Truth..

I'm not "good enough" - I'm really sorry about everything I've ever said, done and posted that shows me for the nothing piece of **** that I am. I wish I could crawl under a rock and die. Why am I still here

I wanted to help people.. I "failed" at that too

I'm disgusted by almost everything about myself. I hate myself

what have you done that is so bad fuzzy...what haven't you done that you want to do...fuzzy

I got angry at the mother when I was about 20, I don't remember much except some of the very mean things she said...

I'm not good with "relationships" - sometimes I don't pick up people's .... not sure how to put it

I can't be everybody's friend.. although I wish I could

(Forgot to say I was "trained to be excessively compliant".... I did not "rebel" at the age of 14 or whenever.. to be tossed out onto the streets at that age would have been... sub optimal )

Perhaps she said some nice things too? Unfortunately, we remember things that people say when they are emotional (upset about something). Sometimes parents have different "plans" for us than we do and things can escalate when minds don't meet. Sometime insecurities and misunderstandings contribute the mess--both parent and child end up feeling unloved. Do you feel like your mother loved you but was "flawed"? I know you had an extremely stressful childhood.

I don't know what to say....I have been so screwed up with this depression thing...and I am not good at relationships...they scare me..

Relationships scare me as well

(((((((( little turtle )))))))))

I don't feel that the mother did love me... so this makes me an "empty" and "horrible" person. She had plenty of good in her.. I was not "good enough"

These are the messages I received.. I could elaborate but I need to "move on" - so don't have anything to say ... the professionals were prolly right.. "talking doesn't help some people" - they basically leave us to our own devices .

Reality is terrible.. I don't want to live in it any more

I think any "professional " who would tell you such a thing isn't very professional! Because something doesn't work out doesn't mean you give up. It means you keep trying.
I don't do so well at the whole relationship thing either. They scare me. I have too much anxiety anyway!
Good luck Fuzzy... here's wishing you the best of everything!

Keep resisting those false messages!!! You are always so caring; you turned out well in many ways--we can see this from the things you write....

WOAH Fuzzy!!!!

You are much more than "just" good enough!!!
And you have absolutely NOTHING to apologise for AT ALL in my eyes
You have been amazingly caring, considerate, empathetic and supportive to LOTS of people on here..........to say the least!!!

And trust me.........not managing to have a relationship with her...........you are so much better away from her.........from the type of person she was..........the type of person who could treat another person.........you...........as she did!!!
The lack of relationship is her loss.........she didn't deserve you in her life IMO

Alison

Thanks guys, I appreciate your replies

I haven't "achieved" what I "should" have done.. I haven't "achieved" my "potential"

That alone .......

Worse, I've hurt some people by not shutting my stupid mouth

Thanks Alison

I read somewhere a long time ago how having an "inadequate" mother sets someone up for a "lifetime of unrequited love"

I think there is a lot of truth in this.. I'm not sure what her "diagnosis" would have been, as neither of the parents, nor the step unit went for "help"..

So I received all the "glory" from the professionals, all the labels and the blame...

I was honestly concerned about passing on.... ah but it's too late now, not much matters any more

Hi Fuzzy

With you having been through so much of the stuff you've been through, and stuff you're going through now, still, it's not at all surprising if you haven't done what you otherwise could have done..........so zero "beating yourself up" on that, hey??!!

But if you're talking about "outsider" views on "achievements" and "potential"............well we/you know that "achievement" can be so subjective, right??!!
Well you might already remember my view on that
Just because someone hasn't e.g. passed x exam, got x job, got x promotion, thrown x amount of parties........that does not in my eyes make them any less worthy as a person..........and I'd say that there can be so many more worthwhile things about a person than those things and that's all about who they are as a person, deep down inside
Well, I'll stop there.........you know my views on that from past posts anyway

And do you want to talk more about hurting people??

Alison

The mother always said how I was a "very selfish young lady"...

When I was 18, a girlfriend of mine said something about me to her.. I was far from perfect, I was pretty screwed up even at that age

She told my girlfriend "she's always been like that"



Absolutely not I was just beginning to become a "person"

I have no idea where the mother was coming from with that statement. .....

(This same girlfriend said how the mother was a "sad person" ... the issue she commented upon was a behavioural issue - no physical or even emotional abuse on my part )

That ****ing long black train, it's playing again..

How long do I have to knock for

PS this is not a "big deal"

I "should" have been "over it" years ago..

After she had thrown me out, as she was "sick to the back teeth of me" .... she told a sub optimal boyfriend I was staying with (he was an abuser) how I was an "emotional drain"

And of course he had to tell me

Big ****ing deal fuzzy bear. Get a ****ing life



Exit line from T irl "get a life"

Wow. You know right? I'd never have thought of that myself..

I'd completely agree that "difficult" experiences with parents when you're growing up, more vulnerable, more impressionable..........they say children can be like sponges taking so much in unquestionably..............can have a big impact on your self worth, self image, relationships, so much..........in later life............
But it is so good that you do have/have managed to find that "space" in you where you do see her for what she was...........and she was completely wrong to treat you that way
And...........it is great that you can step back and recognise that x or y difficulty can be due to the faulty messages you received when you were a child/younger adult..........that can be a weapon in the armory to challenge the inner thoughts/feelings behind what you're struggling with

But the labels.........the blame..........the blame bit can only come from the "uneducated"...........those who don't "get it"...........so if you can maybe use those labels in your favor.........in getting the help and support you need..........and if that can't be from professionals right now.........then at least from online support..........because there should never be blame attached

Alison

I'm wondering if you're trying to make sense of things like that she had said...........trying to reason why she might have said things either to disprove things to yourself/"convince yourself" you weren't the person she saw".........or to explain to yourself how you could be the person she saw..........or have it fit in/"feel right" with the "logic" e.g. of it wasn't your fault etc.............
But to truly, absolutely make complete sense of it, as she felt/said those things.........you would have to feel like her/have some of her responses...........and I wholeheartedly doubt you could ever do that.........you're just way too good a person.........and that is a good thing
But either way, maybe you could agree, that she was already way, way, way more screwed up than you ever were at "even at that age"........??

Alison

((((((( Fuzzybear )))))))

"Fulfilling one's potential" can become an insatiable tyrant.
It's tempting to read this as a classic "identified patient" situation. You bore the dysfunction of the family. You became the "flawed" one allowing the others to see themselves as flawless.

How to proceed when the ghosts won't die...?

fuzzy fuzzy dear fuzzy...we have been bad....but not that bad...we need to start loving ourselves for everything about us...we are equal humans in this tough life....we need to be kind and patient to ourselves...to ourselves...fuzzy...come on..fuzzy...hop on board the fuzzy bus

You said "I should have been over it years ago"
Do you know what happens to me?
Things that i have been over them years ago, and I was over them, really, are coming back, "reloaded".
Not sure if this is a depression thing or if it is that I am a grown up person now and as such I become more aware about certain details (for example, hidden intentions of other people, their real "agendas", their flaws). And this is not for free, I mean, it is not innocuous to me.

Yes this resonates for me as well

((((((((( Clara ))))))))))

(((((((( Rohag ))))))))

Thank you

Thank you little turtle

Thank you Alison and everyone - it helps to be able to talk here

I appreciate everyone who has been here for me