Ouch

Hey everyone,
Well I had a bit of a fallout...a large one actually. I just got out of the hospital...I tried to kill myself again. This makes time number three for me and I feel lousy in every aspect of my life.
I do not know the main reason behind why I tried to do it but as much as I can figure my inability to find work after graduating just got to me and I snapped. Unfortunately the situation is still dangerous because I am still getting nowhere and am still very frustrated and extrememly depressed. No one understands. My boyfriend and my family is telling me I just have to keep trying, but they do not understand that to me my inability to find work reflects on who I am as a person. I feel like I just wasted four years of my life and now no one wants to hire me. I am a failure and I have no future...and I just did not want to continue going on like this.
I do not know how I am right now..I really dont, but I am here. I guess that is a start.

Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>

>> they do not understand that to me my inability to find work reflects on who I am as a person.

"Outsiders" may never understand how much depression makes us seek out and focus on events that "prove" to us that we are a "failure".

I do hope you understand that it is the depression making you feel that way, and that you are not a failure. It seems so strange the way depression alters our perception of things. We can't look and say "Hey I just graduated from college successfully!" instead we find any point of weakness and use that to "prove" we are not worthy.

I didn't finish my time in college, spent three years toward my degree in Electrical Engineering. Year later I am now working in the field of graphic arts. Go figure. But I NEVER think of my time in school as a "waste" because I learned so many troubleshooting skills, as well as learning a lot about myself, what I was capable of, what kind of person I "wanted to be."

Of course I wasn't suffering from depression at that point in my life. Negativity colors everything now, even though I can look back and remember what it was like to "choose my state of mind".

I know hearing what other people have done often doesn't make us feel that we can accomplish the same... but try to remember that with work you can reach a point of feeling successful. Don't give up looking for work... something great may come up when the time is right... but also keep an active goal toward working on the depression itself, the "prize" being a time when looking for a job is no longer a measurement of your own worth.

Good luck on all fronts shakes. Being here and getting help are more than just a start... you are set on a path or recovery.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

It was great to meet you through the chat room this morning.
I want you to know (if it helps ) that I graduated college in 1991 and didn't landed a "professional job" related to my field until the end of 1993. Now I consider myself succesfull profesionally speaking, but at the beginning it was hard, very hard.
It must make you feel very special to have people that love you around you, hang on to that love!!
I wish I knew how you feel ... I don't .... But I remember how i felt ... it wasn't fun. However, it will work at the end.

gab

One thing that I memorize is that "Every soul that lives has hope." Every time something really great happens, you didn't know it was coming weeks before. I just wanted to encourage you that you are not a failure. Its not the end. You have so many days ahead of you for things to turn around. Pain is temporary and your spirit is resilient. It must be. Look at all you have dealt with. I'm rooting for ya! Hugsssss

Hello again shakes. Now that you're back, I realize I "missed" you.

I understand how you feel, let me relate why:

I had many barriers in my life growing up, yet I somehow kept going and persevered to go to college. The day of graduation, a Bachelor's in Education, was the greatest, highest high I had ever had! I had struggled and made it, finally. After receiving my diploma, shaking hands, moving the tassel, I looked down at the certificate and saw my name misspelled!!! My spirit plumeted.

It took many weeks for me to recover from such a "trivial" thing. The depression made me think that it wasn't really me who did all that; I wasn't the one who had been rewarded with a degree. I was still nothing, nobody.<font color=purple>

Dex is right about how depression PREVENTS us from thinking correctly. If you can remember nothing else, REMEMBER THIS. Don't try and change what you are thinking, just try and think, that is probably depression talking. OK?

Also, don't try and go too fast, you have been through a traumatic experience, again. Just try to do day to day. Or hour to hour. And know that you don't have to plan and be in good health right now.<font color=green>

good wishes coming your way

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

You've had some great replies ... I want to add my fuzziest, warmest wishes for better days for you! I am rooting for you too! ((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Take care,
Fuzzy

hey you GRADUATED


don't forget that part.

"don't kick the puppy" ~ j.e.p.

Everyone,
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone and their kind words. It really helps to see that others do understand and care. I am just trying to take things one step at a time...but that is also my weakness sometimes. I hate waiting for things to happen because that means that I do not have control over a situtation. I just have to realize that I cannot have control over everything so I shouldnt stress about it.

Thanks again,
Jessica

<font color=blue> You are in this snowglobe. It is encovered in glass and secure. But one day someone comes and shakes the globe and the pieces go flying everywhere. Now they will eventually settle but they won't be the way they were before and they can never be that way again. </font color=blue>