Time to vent I guess

There is no question in here, just mindless ranting so there is nothing of value here. Any insight is always appreciated though.

Why is it that people in the psych field make a big deal about self-harm? I get stopping people from hurting others, that is a no-brainer. But I am literally hurting zero humans when I hurt myself. Why do they pretend to care? Is it legal reasons? It is beyond me why it is a big deal.

My psychosis has gotten to the point where I am considered a crack-pot by default and the psychosis isn't really that bad. Last week I bought a new sound card for my computer, I loved it. It produced great sound although it was a little finicky with Linux. It was squealing in pain today, making my music sound just awful. Nothing I did fixed it and after 3 hours I gave up and returned it to Amazon. I told my daughter about it and she said "Are you sure there was something wrong with it and not in your head"?

I mentioned this before, but sometimes right when I fall asleep it feels like I die and am trapped in my body. It happens a lot these days. It made me wonder if maybe I am dead and none of this is real. The rare times I leave my house, nothing feels real. Walking through a store makes me feel like a ghost and when driving it seems like I could drive through anything without causing damage. I am not even sure if I am typing this.

The only things that give me any feelings of peace are my grandkids. Without them with me I am a blob of nothing. The only other thing that helps is watching videos from a British bipolar(I think) lady on YouTube. They are oddly serene and I don't know why. She doesn't talk about happy things but they are nice to watch. Is that weird?

This is probably too long, sorry about that.

hi, I am new, I am a 38 yr old woman. I have dreams of goinh into psycholdogy SOMEDAY, my kids r 2 young. I read ur post. I can help u though. You aren't crazy. Well we all are in our own way. I am a survivor of domestic violeve of 14 yrs. I still feel like I'm living it. I have ptsd, bipolar-depression, & some medical issues, but long story short I retain info well, & educate myself. I got what u needed. what you are suffering from is called
sleep-paralysis, google it. Then take it from there. & from my experience. If your therapist isn't helping , it's time to find another one u feel comfortable with and sae with kinda like a friend. good luck

I think they make it a big deal because if you are said to have been hurting yourself whenever you go to a hospital at least from what ive seen. say I was caught cutting and someone saw me I get that lable of selfdestructive or whatever they are calling it nowadays. and now because of that whenever I go to the hospitals either someone is watching me like a babysitter making sure I dont try to do anything self harming. or they will strap you down to the bed.

i have some questions if you dont mind me asking.

your definetly older than i am. no offence i do not have kids. but can i ask where your fear of being dead already or nothings real, where did this come from? how did it originate?

Self harm is a physical demonstration of internal suffering. To be honest, it's really just a coping mechanism. My T also believes this which is very reassuring to me.

When it comes to the psychosis. Only insight I can manage is a "Hey, me too." With a couple things you said. Last night was a bad one for me and I don't remember it well. 'Davey' was coming for me and who the **** is Davey? That's my summary for last night.

Venting, questions or messages, it's good to see you around, qwerty68.

my cousin was found hanging in the garage...he was homosexual and couldn't come out of his closet....I wish I could have helped him....I see that as tragic...

That is a good question and I have no answers. It is not a fear of dying, not really. I am conflicted on the subject. I am genuinely surprised when I wake up every day. I have no reason for most of my issues. A few physical issues have reasons but those reasons have no cause. For instance, I have a damaged shoulder that hurts every day that was caused by a seizure 22 years ago, but the seizure has no cause. I have no trauma in my past to explain my mental illness, nothing wrong with my brain scans or blood work, etc.

I simply suck.

You are 100% on the self-harm thing. It is instant, but temporary relief.

I am sorry you had a bad night. I wish I had insight into it. It seems like I should since it is happening to me. It is not right that you are suffering!

It is always good to hear from you.

I am very sorry, that is beyond tragic!

That is terrible you had to go through that. I hope you are finding this board to be a good place.

I am aware of sleep paralysis, but I hadn't considered it might be that. My other episodes of SP were very textbook, minus the feeling pressure. In this new thing it happens when I am drifting off to sleep, I think. It is hard to tell sometimes. I don't know that there is any use to knowing it could be that, unless you know how to keep it from happening.

Regardless, thank you for that and welcome to PC.

Anyone else ever think things are as bad as they can be but the next day things are worse? And for no reason?

It is the no reason part that gets to me. It is the very worst of the worst, at least for me. I have no reason for any of this and I have always prided myself on maintaining mental toughness, but somewhere along the way, I lost that. I obsess over whether or not it is my seizure disorder driving anything but I never get answers. It is maddening!

That does sound very frustrating. I can only sympathize with the seizure disorder. Everything else, and the questions, I empathise greatly. I don't know what's happened to make my psyche so much worse and it's driving me up the wall trying to rationalize it all. My breaks from reality have become longer and more intense each time and it's finally crippling my ability to care for myself. I wish I had advice to offer, here. I don't and I'm sorry. Just know you're not alone

I guess if there was an easy answer, PC would not exist.

I hope you are having a better day.

Very true.