[DechanDawa]

Well, it's Monday and the counselor from my health care provider will call me. She will ask me how my job search is going and if I got out of the house for a walk/run or to go for coffee. She won't mention the fact I am suffering from severe depression and suicidal ideation.

Yes, I got out. Barely. Not for coffee. I can't afford $4.00 fancy coffees out and don't much like sitting in a public place where everyone is glued to their phones or laptops. Is that supposed to make me feel less lonely? How is that supposed to help?

I can't mention the unmentionable. That my severe depression and suicidal ideation are as bad as ever. But now I have decided to stuff them both in boxes in back of the dark closet of my mind.

There is so much online about crisis prevention. But what about all the hours a person lives with and wrestles with severe depression?

There is so much written about how suicide hurts those around the depressed person and it is a selfish act. What about all the friends and relatives who ignore that someone near them is in such deep pain???

I will not self-disclose about the depression to the counselor who is calling. She is using CBT and it's good but how is a 20 minute call once a week supposed to change my life for the better? Does she really think she is helping me?

It's a sad joke...mental health care is a sad joke.

[Alchemilla]

I'm sorry you are suffering from severe depression and suicidal ideation. So am I. You are not alone.

[TaubTaube]

It's good that you at least got out. <3 The fact that you're reaching out shows some hope.

I've been there.

As far as the suicidal ideation, I've been there. It still pops in my head now and then. I've known quite a few people who have killed themselves and it still haunts me. I try to think of that when I think about killing myself.

I wish that I had a brilliant way with words the help you feel better.

You're not alone with this. Depression is a pain in the arse and it oozes into every crevice of life.

[Fuzzybear]

"Mental health care is a sad joke"

I agree, public mental health is a sad joke.. we have no option but to ... realise the truth that it's a sad joke.
I too "deal" with severe depression and anxiety.. you're not alone

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Alchemilla

I'm sorry you are suffering from severe depression and suicidal ideation. So am I. You are not alone.

I am very sorry you are also suffering. Unless one has been there they cannot imagine how bad it feels. I am really trying to "cure" myself because I want to go on with my life. It is boring and a strain to be in this place. Please post whatever works for you. CBT is working for me but it is very difficult and challenging to practice.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by TaubTaube

It's good that you at least got out. <3 The fact that you're reaching out shows some hope.

I've been there.

As far as the suicidal ideation, I've been there. It still pops in my head now and then. I've known quite a few people who have killed themselves and it still haunts me. I try to think of that when I think about killing myself.

I wish that I had a brilliant way with words the help you feel better.

You're not alone with this. Depression is a pain in the arse and it oozes into every crevice of life.

Just you caring is enough. Brilliant words aren't needed. Thank you so much for reaching out. It helps so very much.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

"Mental health care is a sad joke"

I agree, public mental health is a sad joke.. we have no option but to ... realise the truth that it's a sad joke.
I too "deal" with severe depression and anxiety.. you're not alone

Dearest fuzzywuzzybear: Thank you so much. I really do not understand why there is not more work done in the area of public mental health when depression is a global epidemic.

But we have got to do it ourselves then. I am happy that you have papa bear. Everyone needs someone.

I am alone now but maybe in the future I will find some friends. But first I need to exit this dark place long enough to make friends! In the meantime I am grateful for friends like you, dear one, on Psych Central.

[hopealwayz]

I'm sorry you are suffering. Me too.

[DechanDawa]

When the counselor called I said I was great and she was all cheerful and talked to me for 20 minutes. Twenty minutes!

No mention of...where did the depression go? Where did the suicidal ideation go?

I mean I could be lying to her while standing on the roof of my apartment building! How clueless can these mental health people be?

It makes me laugh.

I have decided I need to do it on my own and that's that.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

I'm sorry you are suffering. Me too.

I am sorry you are in pain and I hope you can activate yourself to do something for yourself today. I have some energy today from "faking it" with the counselor on the phone and I think I am going to sweep up all the dust bunnies in my apt. and then go out. I have to push myself. I hope you do something for yourself today.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

When the counselor called I said I was great and she was all cheerful and talked to me for 20 minutes. Twenty minutes!

No mention of...where did the depression go? Where did the suicidal ideation go?

I mean I could be lying to her while standing on the roof of my apartment building! How clueless can these mental health people be?

It makes me laugh.

I have decided I need to do it on my own and that's that.

I understand... these phone calls are "ridiculous" ...

So is much of the other "stuff" in public mental "health"..

Doing it without them is the only viable option ..

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I understand... these phone calls are "ridiculous" ...

So is much of the other "stuff" in public mental "health"..

Doing it without them is the only viable option ..

I think you are in the UK? I have watched documentaries on mental health care through the NHS and it is as bad there as in U.S. Long waits for CBT courses etc.

I think CBT is good...this is what I have been using...but I also have to realize our mental health care system here is not going to help much. There are no CBT courses in my area. So I have a workbook and do it on my own.

I am tired of being severely depressed and especially suicidal. So I had better find my own ways of curing myself.

[kkrrhh]

I get what you mean, with a lot of this. I know sometimes having a therapist(/other mental health care provider) who seems so clueless can almost feel like it hurts worse than being without one.

I'm sorry you're suffering, but good job pushing yourself.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by kkrrhh

I get what you mean, with a lot of this. I know sometimes having a therapist(/other mental health care provider) who seems so clueless can almost feel like it hurts worse than being without one.

I'm sorry you're suffering, but good job pushing yourself.

Thanks. It has helped to talk about it and get some feedback. This kind of always happens to me with therapy and therapists. I get restless and dissatisfied and I actually think that drives me to self-improve so I can get away from therapy.

[Altarian]

I won't say "sorry you are suffering" because enough people have already said that and eventually it's just lip service and has no meaning to us anymore. I understand to a degree the feeling you have with 20 minute phone call is suppose to solve everything. With the clinic i go to for medical their idea of mental health is getting put on a waiting list for a teletherapist that if you are lucky you will get to have a half hour video session once a month. mean while as you wait you get to meet with one of the two unqualified councilors once a week. Mental health is a world wide disease that the world is not willing to handle because it's not one of the "cool deadly" ones like AIDS/HIV, Cancer, or whatnot.

But luckily or not we all have this site to try and help each other since the "professionals" are nonexistent at times.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Altarian

I won't say "sorry you are suffering" because enough people have already said that and eventually it's just lip service and has no meaning to us anymore. I understand to a degree the feeling you have with 20 minute phone call is suppose to solve everything. With the clinic i go to for medical their idea of mental health is getting put on a waiting list for a teletherapist that if you are lucky you will get to have a half hour video session once a month. mean while as you wait you get to meet with one of the two unqualified councilors once a week. Mental health is a world wide disease that the world is not willing to handle because it's not one of the "cool deadly" ones like AIDS/HIV, Cancer, or whatnot.

But luckily or not we all have this site to try and help each other since the "professionals" are nonexistent at times.

Thank you for sharing this. It does hurt to come to the end of a long journey (2.5 years) and a lot of research and trial and error...and to realize that there is not that much help out there. It is complex. I am a writer and I would like to start writing about my experience. Especially for friends and family of those who are suffering. But maybe for health care providers, too. And finally, for those of us who suffer, perhaps we need to raise our voices and be heard.

I read a story about a woman who went to my particular health care provider although she was in a different state. She was jacked around...taken off one AD...put on another...then taken off that and put back on the original...etc. And all with weeks and weeks of not being able to be seen by a pdoc. Well, one morning she drove to the health care provider facility and jumped to her death off their parking garage. A needless wasteful tragic death that left her husband and children reeling.

This story affected me because it was an older woman who was struggling...and all the medication changes probably greatly contributed to her suicide. Her care was inadequate.

As we get older medications act differently in our bodies.

Well, I will stay unmedicated and find a way to get well.

[wiretwister]

as I said earlier ... there is only one "cure" ... all other paths though helpful are not a cure ... a cure means it is over ... depression is a condition .... not a broke bone ... it is like diabetes ... it must be treated ... and it can be sucessfully managed ... and it has no cure outside of death ...

" ... It does hurt to come to the end of a long journey (2.5 years)..." ... management ... not cured ...

and I truly hope you have many many more years .... and you find the peace and happiness you crave ... write a good story ... let the world know ... here is a good title ... "Living Joyfully in a world of sorrows" ...

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

as I said earlier ... there is only one "cure" ... all other paths though helpful are not a cure ... a cure means it is over ... depression is a condition .... not a broke bone ... it is like diabetes ... it must be treated ... and it can be sucessfully managed ... and it has no cure outside of death ...

" ... It does hurt to come to the end of a long journey (2.5 years)..." ... management ... not cured ...

and I truly hope you have many many more years .... and you find the peace and happiness you crave ... write a good story ... let the world know ... here is a good title ... "Living Joyfully in a world of sorrows" ...

One thing I have learned from Psych Central is that there is no one way to look at depression. You say depression is a condition...and you say that there is no cure outside of death. But others would disagree. I, in fact, disagree.

If I say I always have low-level depression does that mean I have a condition? What if along with it I always have a desire to change. Is that an incurable condition? Some would say, yes, it means I am maladjusted. Anything can be turned into a condition.

To me depression is a signal and a sign that things have to change. Maybe our behaviors have to change. Maybe the way we think has to change.

Maybe it is a sign of weakness in body and spirit.

My depression took hold when my only sister died. I def had complicated grief issues and it also forced me back into contact with a dysfunctional family of origin. Add some kindling to the fire...a situation of being stalked forcing me to move...two jobs I loved ending..financial problems...and a bad move geographically that has forced me into isolation.

Life is change and when things get stagnant we get depressed.

[wiretwister]

again I wish you complete recovery ... but I know no one who has been depressed (not talking about feeling sad or even seasonal) ... but laying down and trying to off yourself depression ... and even if they survive and have a great joyful life now .... does not still entertain the random su thought ... does not under certain conditions fall back into a period of depression even if slight and short lived ... I (personally) do not believe it ever leaves you ... it is always in the back of your mind ... if this is not your experience then I am so happy for you ... I would love to be wrong ... so many have been managing this for so many years ... some get better ... hell I am better than in years ... but many do not ... maybe those that are "cured" just leave ... good for them ... but it is not my experience ...

[SROB1983]

Sorry you are suffering. It's the absolute pits.

I am in Australia, and here you have to make an appointment with a GP, then you have to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist/Psychologist that can take weeks for anyone to get in.

There is a crisis team, but unless you are actively trying to harm yourself, they won't take you.

There is hardly anything for the people who desperately just want help.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by wiretwister

again I wish you complete recovery ... but I know no one who has been depressed (not talking about feeling sad or even seasonal) ... but laying down and trying to off yourself depression ... and even if they survive and have a great joyful life now .... does not still entertain the random su thought ... does not under certain conditions fall back into a period of depression even if slight and short lived ... I (personally) do not believe it ever leaves you ... it is always in the back of your mind ... if this is not your experience then I am so happy for you ... I would love to be wrong ... so many have been managing this for so many years ... some get better ... hell I am better than in years ... but many do not ... maybe those that are "cured" just leave ... good for them ... but it is not my experience ...

Maybe you are right. William James wrote about this in "Varieties of Spiritual Experience..." He said that people return from a "dark night of the soul" experience in two different ways. The first category is people who do not have a dark thought left and who have a light and cheerful disposition. The second category is the one you describe...people who remain somewhat somber. Leo Tolstoy is the classic example. He wasn't cheerful before his suicidal period...and he did not become cheerful after he got through his suicidal period.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by SROB1983

Sorry you are suffering. It's the absolute pits.

I am in Australia, and here you have to make an appointment with a GP, then you have to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist/Psychologist that can take weeks for anyone to get in.

There is a crisis team, but unless you are actively trying to harm yourself, they won't take you.

There is hardly anything for the people who desperately just want help.

This is terrible. Terrible. Terrible. Terrible. What the hell are they thinking??? This kind of care is totally inadequate. I am sorry. I actually thought mental health care was pretty good in your country. Because a lot of time there will be good articles written online and they are from Australian organizations. Maybe nonprofit in your country is very active?

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

When the counselor called I said I was great and she was all cheerful and talked to me for 20 minutes. Twenty minutes!

No mention of...where did the depression go? Where did the suicidal ideation go?

I mean I could be lying to her while standing on the roof of my apartment building! How clueless can these mental health people be?

It makes me laugh.

I have decided I need to do it on my own and that's that.

Wow, unbelievable she did that. I thought they have to pay a visit. The system is stupid, sorry I am blunt

[DechanDawa]

It's about a month later and not much has changed. The counselor who calls once a week has now decided to call every other week...for 20 to 30 minutes. She thinks I am "doing well" at managing intense emotions.

But I still have suicidal ideation.

Last night I messaged an online crisis chat line...and texted with a trained counselor - or maybe they were a volunteer - but they seemed very professional. They spent a lot of time asking me questions. I don't have a suicide "plan" and don't self harm.

I also don't drink alcohol, and don't do any drugs including psyche drugs.

My sleep schedule seems fine. I don't have insomnia.

However, every morning I wake up with suicidal ideation.

Since the professionals I have been in touch with seem to think I am "doing well" I don't really know if there is anything more I can do.

I don't understand how it can be determined I am doing well when I wake up every single morning with suicidal ideation. This seems to indicate I have severe, severe depression.

I believe the professionals keep treating my severe depression as if it is mild depression. Is this because I don't self-harm, don't break down on the phone or in public?

I seriously don't know if I am okay or not. I don't feel okay.

This morning I decided that I have tried to do everything correctly. I eat well, don't drink, take vitamins, get proper sleep, and moderately exercise. I keep my apartment in order. I pay my bills on time.

But I am still unemployed...and I have to find a new apartment because where I live is too expensive. I feel like the stress of these two things is going to send me over the edge.

I have never bee IP. I have never even gone to the Emergency Room of the hospital.

I do call crisis hotlines to talk about coping skills and how to improve my coping skills.

I wonder if I am doing everything right in order to heal but I am just impatient. I have been experiencing suicidal ideation for about 10 months or more. On and off for about 2.5 years. This seems like a very long time.

But now I am thinking that no professional is going to be able to help me. I have severe depression and suicidal ideation. It is chronic. I have been shocked that a professional counselor knows this about me and yet seems to think I am "doing well."

[Sunflower123]

I understand where you're coming from. You're not alone. I have chronic, severe depression with suicidal ideation more often then not and my doctors know this. They trust me to surf the ideation and sometimes I think that's a bad strategy.