[whisperingskye]

I deserve all of this.

I am a horrible person. I have been told this in various ways several times by several people in the last month or so. It must be true.

It makes sense then that I would feel so awful, because I'm a bad person and I deserve this pain.

I just don't even know why I am trying to fight this anymore. It's becoming more and more apparent that the world would be a better place without me in it.

[East17]

(((whisperingskye))), you don't deserve the hurt and the pain you are in and you are not a horrible person. The depression is telling you that. Depression lies and makes us feel worthless. Please try not to listen to it.
You are worth fighting for and no, the world would not be a better place without you.
Kind thought xxx

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by whisperingskye

I deserve all of this.

I am a horrible person. I have been told this in various ways several times by several people in the last month or so. It must be true.

It makes sense then that I would feel so awful, because I'm a bad person and I deserve this pain.

I just don't even know why I am trying to fight this anymore. It's becoming more and more apparent that the world would be a better place without me in it.

You don't deserve this pain. I don't know who the losers are that are telling you that you are horrible but you don't come across that way to me at all. Just keep seeking help, ignore the negative people, and keep posting here for support.

I feel like everyone has been a loser in one way or another! My favorite poem growing up was:

There was a little girl
BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW
There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very good indeed,
But when she was bad she was horrid.

I could SO identify with that girl because sometimes I would just lose it and still do. It can take a while to bounce back when you know you have done wrong in some way. The key is self acceptance/forgiveness though I know that is easier said than done. But I was beating up majorly on myself for a couple of years after I made a horrible attempt sending myself to ICU and traumatizing the people who loved me. I had fallen deep into a hole where I wasn't thinking clearly. Somehow, I don't beat up on myself much anymore. It could happen to you too. You are young and have so much potential. Check out the audiobook I posted (I have almost listened to the whole thing https://forums.psychcentral.com/step...lf-esteem.html). Maybe it could help you. <<hugs>>

[markmcc21]

Depression lies. If other people say it, then they lie. Don't buy into the lie that you're a bad person. It isn't true.

[whisperingskye]

I don't know how I can ignore them when two of them are my parents and I am stuck living with them. They shout at me for shutting them out and then wonder why I don't want to talk to them. I need to get out of this house but I can't afford it. That's another issue though..

-->hopingtrying, I remember that from when I was a kid. I think I liked it too. Thing is I don't think I am horrid. Or I can't see that I am being horrid, it's just what people tell me. And I don't how to fix things if I can't even see what I've done wrong. I will try to check out that audiobook though thanks

[Fuzzybear]

You're not a horrible person

You've been a good friend to me, I've never heard a mean word from you.. even if I had I wouldn't automatically judge you as a horrible person.

It's possible that some of the mean people in this world who constantly put others down have.. a problem

What do you think

I'm sending gentle hugs (((((((( whisperingskye ))))))))

Originally Posted by whisperingskye

I don't know how I can ignore them when two of them are my parents and I am stuck living with them. They shout at me for shutting them out and then wonder why I don't want to talk to them. I need to get out of this house but I can't afford it. That's another issue though..

-->hopingtrying, I remember that from when I was a kid. I think I liked it too. Thing is I don't think I am horrid. Or I can't see that I am being horrid, it's just what people tell me. And I don't how to fix things if I can't even see what I've done wrong. I will try to check out that audiobook though thanks

Not trying to say you're horrid--just noticed that you put yourself down sometimes (by saying you are a horrible person). As parents, we need to learn to love our children--period--verses only loving them if they always tow the line. The right to happiness means that you have the right to make your own choices within reason. Part of being a parent is learning to let go and let our children just be who they are. You may be unable to talk to them because they might not tolerate disgreement well, that sort of thing. One of the ways I got "lost" in my marriage was not being assertive enough with my H--I craved his love and affection so much that I would self censor sometimes--I would do this with my mother as well. Both my H and my mother are/were strong, opinionated people. It gets depressing when you have to always be careful what you say. I have been working on being more assertive with him and it has helped our relationship. I don't know if any of these dynamics are going on with you but I do know that when we can't tell significant others important things--it can make us extremely low.

Ooops--your parents said you were horrible and you just said you're not horrid---not trying to pile on. However, that message must make it harder to talk to them! Unfortunately--you can't change your parents though when they say something like this be sure to tell them that you already feel terrible without being told such terrible things!

[IrisBloom]

I'm 59, and was depressed as a child, but back then no one noticed. I first got real help at 30. Looking back and thinking about how I was, I now realize that for most of my life I was pretty much operating on a sort of auto-pilot. Most of my actions and behaviors were in survival mode. I had no support system, no one who cared enough to understand what was going on with me, just a lot of criticism and ostracism. I did internalize the negative opinions and criticism from others, and it did become the inner me. But still, my instinct was to survive. In later years I did start fighting back against my main abuser. It did not lessen the abuse but lessened the effects of it.

I guess I'm telling you this to show you that you can endure more than you think you can, and that there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. I understand wanting a final permanent escape, but I don't think that is what you really want. You are young enough to make a better future for yourself. Small goals and plans could be a start. Of course getting you in mental shape to take care of yourself would be first.

Please remember you are a survivor. All of us here are. Each day you wake up is a new chance to make you and your life better.

[MatBell]

I hope you can try to ignore them and know you have lots of support here, and we don't think like you're a bad person.

[MtnTime2896]

Very rarely does a person come along who's "bad" enough to deserve the pain you are in. No, you don't deserve it. You aren't bad. Hell, you're one of my better friends. You just don't strike me as 'bad'. What those people say, it's all out of ignorance and frustration. Ignorance of who you really are and the people here you've helped and frustrated that there isn't an magic 'fix it' button (I ****ing wish, right?). Don't let their bias become your thought process. You beat yourself up enough, they shouldn't join in like it's a damn birthday and you're the pinata.

[subtle lights]

(((whisperingskye)))
I'm sorry you're suffering. These thoughts sounds so painful...There is usually a true voice inside us, that's unique and fresh and loving...But it's easy to forget about it from time to time. It's not loud, but it's genuine, it's coming from our core.
Depression and other monsters are loud and manage to convince us that this is who we are. I know it's freaking difficult.
This is no magic pill, or "you should do this or that" reply.
It's just a gentle reminder, that you are beautiful and worthy

[jps123]

No, you don't. I felt exactly this way just a couple weeks ago. I didn't think anything would help. I was having terrible dark intrusive thoughts, and I was hospitalized for being suicidal. I finally let them do electroconvulsive therapy just to get my family off my back. After the third treatment, I felt much better. I'm also on meds. Don't be afraid to get help. What have you got to lose? You can't go on like this. Please give it a try and keep trying. It's a process and it's different for everyone.

[whisperingskye]

**** this.

One rule for everyone else, another for me. I can't keep up with my mum. I'm amazed she can keep up with herself. She's at the pub moaning about parents calling their kids "horrid". Wondering how a parent could do such a thing.

Does she not hear herself? Can she not see what a ****ing hypocrite she is?! I can't handle her. I feel like I just need her out of my life.

Originally Posted by whisperingskye

**** this.

One rule for everyone else, another for me. I can't keep up with my mum. I'm amazed she can keep up with herself. She's at the pub moaning about parents calling their kids "horrid". Wondering how a parent could do such a thing.

Does she not hear herself? Can she not see what a ****ing hypocrite she is?! I can't handle her. I feel like I just need her out of my life.

It sounds like a lot of your stress is coming from your parents, or at least your mom. Are you able to move out on your own? If you are able to work I would recommend getting a job, even part-time, and save up money until you are able to rent a small place of your own.

If you feel unable to work, perhaps applying for disability would be an option as well. At least then you would receive some sort of income each month and you could put it away towards renting an apartment of your own.

You don't deserve the stress and pain in your life.

[whisperingskye]

I do have a job, but unfortunately I can't seem to handle enough hours to be able to afford to move out. If I could I would be long gone.

I feel like I'm doing everything I can to get out of this but it still isn't enough.

[Bill3]

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much right now.

You do not deserve it.



This thread is testimony to how people here think of you, and how all should treat you: with affection and kindness.

[MickeyCheeky]

You're the exact opposite of horrible.. please, don't listen to them, otherwise you'll give them exactly what they want.

[Fuzzybear]

[nadia533]

I know how you feel, trust me, I do. Some people can't see your awesomeness. That's not your fault. Ignore the people who can't. Focus on the huge amount of people (especially on this website) who do care about you. I don't know you but I care. Your existence is important. Don't ever forget that. If you're ever feeling down, you can message me. I'm here for you and again, I care. You deserve to be here. You do not deserve to hurt.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by whisperingskye

I do have a job, but unfortunately I can't seem to handle enough hours to be able to afford to move out. If I could I would be long gone.

I feel like I'm doing everything I can to get out of this but it still isn't enough.

I'm sorry
It somewhat reminds me when I was still living with my parents ten years ago. They couldn't get me...But pretended they were..Fights with my father, feeling the worst person on the face of the Earth. Never good enough for him.
Back then my therapist suggested repeatedly that I should move out. But I couldn't see that happening. I was working my *** off, getting more and more depressed and my parents were totally oblivious..they'd just considered my suffering some kind of defiance against them. It was hell. The more I tried to put on an "I'm okay" face the worse it got.
Now I'm thinking back...and I realise I was stuck back then. Stuck in that invisibly dysfunctional hell.
I'm thinking now...why did I stay for so long?
I know there are always explanations for this.
But really, I should have left. I still don't know the specifics, how. But really, I should have...
I know, being stuck is real, the situation and feelings are real.
I wish you'll find a way soon to move away from there.

[Fuzzybear]

I somewhat relate too

I don't want to offer any unwanted advice ... some living situations (and some relationships ) are so toxic we can only fully recognise this long after we left them

Originally Posted by subtle lights

I'm sorry
It somewhat reminds me when I was still living with my parents ten years ago. They couldn't get me...But pretended they were..Fights with my father, feeling the worst person on the face of the Earth. Never good enough for him.
Back then my therapist suggested repeatedly that I should move out. But I couldn't see that happening. I was working my *** off, getting more and more depressed and my parents were totally oblivious..they'd just considered my suffering some kind of defiance against them. It was hell. The more I tried to put on an "I'm okay" face the worse it got.
Now I'm thinking back...and I realise I was stuck back then. Stuck in that invisibly dysfunctional hell.
I'm thinking now...why did I stay for so long?
I know there are always explanations for this.
But really, I should have left. I still don't know the specifics, how. But really, I should have...
I know, being stuck is real, the situation and feelings are real.
I wish you'll find a way soon to move away from there.

It's not just the depression is lying. Those people you know are the worst liars