[Rose76]

It's just made an appointment to see my PCP. Thought I would see if something could be tried for my depression. I take Elavil. I thought maybe a stimulant in the morning. I don't feel hopeful that this appointment will lead to me getting any real help.

[JustTvTroping]

Wow...how many of my childhood memories are not as good as I originally thought? On one hand, that means I won't end up regretting burning my yearbooks in time for my college graduation in December, but on the other hand, that just explains the loneliness before college even more, and it feels that socializing at those points in time seem even more pointless. I think in addition to what I've been doing to help myself feel better, I'll add more self-love into the equation since that seems to be working.

[Olanza-what?]

today I had a rude awakening... I learned that I am worthless, I kinda always knew this though...starting to accept it.

[IcryWhoAmI]

Been feeling really down lately. Dont know what to do, have no one to talk to.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Olanza-what?

today I had a rude awakening... I learned that I am worthless, I kinda always knew this though...starting to accept it.

You are worthwhile. Don’t believe otherwise. I’m here if you want to talk. Sending big hugs.

[952p65823]

There ought to be a version of this chart for depressives. The concept of a monthly menu of stuff is great, but she lost me when she started talking about washing walls.

[Rose76]

I went to the local psych hospital. It was a waste of time.

[bornunderabadsign]

Today was a bad one. Didn't want to get out of bed all day. Slept most of the day and broken down twice. I wish the past would stay in the past.

[nikon]

Rose76 - really sorry that that happened. i imagine you must be feeling very defeated and desperate

I'm doing ok had some horrible memories coming up this morning - sometimes I remember bullying that went on between me and friends in junior school, but i struggle to recognise it as bullying, or bad, or validate it. rationally i can see it would be a good thing to talk about it in therapy but part of me feels like it would be stupid - part of me always feels like talking is a bad idea.
last night i had dreams on a recurring theme - this time was a combination of tidal wave and planes crashing. i have so many dreams about planes crashing. in this dream i thought it was real and was telling someone how i always have dreams like this. it was very vivid and graphic.

[lotusblossom19]

I don't want to wake up to another day. I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond help.

[regretful]

Working through this today...again. Determined to stay above the threshold as best I can. My hope is that all of us struggling will have a moment or two of peace of mind today.

Slept for almost 24 hours.

I should try to eat and hydrate.

Still feel like hiding.

[Rose76]

Still in bed. I just keep falling asleep. But I stay awfully tired.

[MatBell]

About to go back to the night shift job I had such a bad experience with on my first shift. I hope it goes well.

I hope all of you are doing good.

[Patagonia]

Living in a ranch style, smaller house with 4 others, that has an open floor plan is not ideal for an introvert with depression!

[Rose76]

I thought I was just starting to improve. Then my s.o. just snapped at me for not looking at his mail and writing checks for him. He likes everything done right away. I'm hurt that he's not considering that I went to the psych hospital last night.

Once in a while a caregiver needs some care. With his dementia, he can't seem to hold that thought for 30 seconds. Then that's kind of how he always was.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

That is hurtful, poor you.

I'll probably look back on this post as proof of my unraveling.

But... now I'm in the mindset that if I want something, I'm going to get it. Mind you, I don't think I need anything. I could just die. But if I want something, I'm going to get it. If I want a ton of nice new clothes, a nice car, nice house, just to shove it in your face, I'm going to get a good job, I'm going to be dynamic, successful, charming.

If I don't know the rules, I can break them all. I'm not sure what's good and bad, and I can't find it in me to care right now.

Mind you, I don't need any of that. The only things I really need, to put me in my place, are a severe punishment and to die.

Just going to ride this wave until I come crashing down, as usual.

[mulan]

So, today I "almost" did a very stupid thing.
I came home from work to lunch and accidently spilled some soup all over my shirt. So I toke my shirt off and I dressed my pijama sweater.
In the afternoon, a couple of hours later, I had to came back to the work place to do a small and quick errand. I toke the long way, walked around the block and only then I noticed I still had my pijama's shirt. My snoopie grey shirt! God!
I thought it was funny and at the same time "hello alzheimer"! I had just put my coat before leaving home and I didn't even noticed it.
At the street no one seemed to noticed too at least or maybe people thought it was a new fashion!
To add to my forgetfullness I totally forgot this story afterwards and I didn't tell it to my sister. Hello dementia again.
I am used to it. I have been saying for years that my memory sucks. In reality is not my memory, it's how little present I am in the moment and how distractfull I am.
At least I think this story is funny.

An OK kind of day. I don't feel much depression. Pretty slow at work. I really hate it when it's like that. The new company had hired me and I find it ironic that their goals are to cut operating costs. And yet I feel like I don't do much all day.

I worked out after work and had added a little more weight. I feel better about myself. Went to the pool area tonight. It was great and then a couple of people had to ruin it for me at the end.

I've been sinking these last few days. I didn't really notice it until today. I'm isolating more, with both nearby and online friends, and I feel bad about it. The volatile internal critic has been pointing out everything I hate about myself lately, and it's taking its toll. I need to shut it up, somehow.

Originally Posted by Bjørnen

I've been sinking these last few days. I didn't really notice it until today. I'm isolating more, with both nearby and online friends, and I feel bad about it. The volatile internal critic has been pointing out everything I hate about myself lately, and it's taking its toll. I need to shut it up, somehow.

[Rose76]

I am afraid.

[nikon]

sending strength to those who are feeling very down and struggling.
I'm doing ok. Trying to get some college work done - doing psychology - and this week the topic is reality therapy/choice theory, which suggests that there is no such thing as mental illness - mental illness is stuff like brain injury, while "mental illness" as we know it is a chosen thing. agh, I just find it stressful to read, because it brings up horrible memories. I was in inpatient treatment for a long time and the counselling I had there, while it was extremely effective in changing my behaviour, left me with mixed feelings and issues. I think it had some elements of reality therapy in it, not so much the no mental illness part, but implying that everything is a personal choice. My brain just doesn't work like that (not "work like that" as in, it's different from others - I just can't be at peace with that concept). I really struggle with seeing myself as a bad, evil, wrong person, and this whole theory reinforces that idea - that I have chosen to do bad behaviours, I deserve to feel depressed because I have chosen it etc. That element of the counselling really didn't help, but somehow I feel ashamed and scared admitting to myself that it didn't help, because my brain tells me that it's my fault it didn't help.

sorry for the long writing! apart from that things have been good. I sold something which at least gave me some money. When memories like these come up it's a struggle not to feel down. I have meditated which I'm really happy about though

[Rose76]

Awake, since 3 a.m. Very tired now. Think I'll go back to bed.