[Taonuviel]

That's how it is. I have to be strong for myself, because no one's here to catch me if I'm not. I'm surrounded by people who could help, but no one does for long. I've fought for my life two months non-stop, looking for someone to support and help guide me, but I'm still left fending for myself. I took myself to the hospital instead of hanging myself. I brought myself back the next day and the next for the partial program, alone. Thank God my casemanager and psychiatrist there actually saw how far gone I was and pushed me to go inpatient, they would have gotten me in there involuntary if I wasn't willing to go voluntarily. But I was left in partial until then, alone over lunch, free to run, as I almost did. I was so close to leaving and hanging myself, or downing my load of vikadin, darvocet, elavil, effexor, zoloft, glucophage, lexapro and wellbutrin in my purse. That was a real danger, I came there with the thought I would down those that day or the next. I fought right up until they took me into the locked unit with the urge to run and die or let them try to help me. But despite actually wanting to die, not just escape, but to die, I fought and stayed it out.
Even in the locked-down unit, with all possible suicide uses taken away and monitored closely, with checks every half hour, I had to fight. I still managed to find a couple ideas which may have worked, and I had to force myself to stay around people and only sleep at night knocked out by ambien to keep from thinking of it and gathering what I'd have needed. I even gave up and admitted to thinking of using a certain clothing item to get myself safe. I fight hard.
And now I continue to fight alone, to finish out partial. To go to therapy. To search for a job. To finish my school semester. To keep myself safe. To somehow pay for all this. To find motivation to live. To somehow heal. To live with my family and try to shield my mom, and myself from her. To search for someone to listen. To deal with my friend's painful choices and my own involvement in triggering her. To re-commit to my faith. To try to be strong for those I've tried to help.
It's so much to do, and all I have is my own will to do it.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[PlanningtoLive]

It is hard and it shows how a tremendous amount of will power you have. I admire your fighting spirit and ability to hang in there.

I also keep trying to find ways to manage, without any help from anyone around me. It isn't fun and it hurts a great deal to know that I am alone in the world basically.

Hang in there and continue to fight. You will succeed.

Best of luck.

<font color=purple>The key to realizing a dream is to focus not on success but significance - and then even the small steps and little victories along your path will take on greater meaning.
Oprah Winfrey (1954 - ), O Magazine, September 2002<font color=purple>

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Fighting Alone -- I feel the same way. As if I'm a highwire act with no safety net. Like you, people offer help for a little while, but they can't hang in for the long haul, and I don't blame them.

Would I want to be around me?

My brother left a phone message, screaming, "Kill yourself, just go ahead, do it." LIke so many people, he seems to think that this is some kind of act, being a "drama queen" and has no understanding of the lack of self-esteem, fatigue (partially from physical causes), age discrimination, having an illness that impedes putting in a 40-hour week. And just feeling so very alone.

I admire you for fighting, for finding little things to hold onto, the strategies that help.

Thanks for sharing, and please share again. My heart is so open to your despair, and the despair of others in this forum.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((Taonuviel))))))))))))))

[nightdream]

You have touch a part of me with your post. I also fight alone. I know and I understand how hard this can be. I am sorry, I wish someone would be close to you to help and support you.

Please don't give up and keep fighting. We are hearing you!

Hugs!
nightdream

[hamstergirl]

That was a heartless thing for your brother to scream. Does he think that mental illness is fun or something? Something like that would only ADD to your pain.

I'm lucky Doug has stuck with me, so far, I wonder how long it will last, because this monster doesn't look like it's moving. As for my family, hah, no help from them whatsoever in battling this. They're willing to help with supplies , spend hours on housework because the attendants don't have time for it. But tell them I'm depressed and angry over the past and it's "you're wallowing in it!" Even Doug doesn't think I'm mentally ill. I have to describe it as an emotional problem, although if Doug weren't there for me, I'd have suicided half a dozen times already, including today.

I'm so lonely and desperate for love that I'm cuddling and kissing a teddy bear, over and over again. The more I read of other patients with BPD, the more frightened I getersons with multiple sexual partners, walking into traffic, praying they'll get hit by a car... And I have no significant other at all at 33. I don't want to run into my father all over again. My daydreams, my sole defense against the worst ravages of the disease, allowed for no deep thoughts, like how scared I was of my father and how lonely I was. It even protected me from suiciding, because I was only fantasizing about it for an alternate self.

Those defenses have been down for months and may never return. I want them back, because my life has become terrible without them. I am tenderly loving a teddy bear, wishing for a real person to love (but can't, because of how he might feel about my disability and because I might hurt him like I've hurt the people here and elsewhere.) I am fighting off suicidal impulses often, previously unheard of for me to consider suicide.

I will lock myself away for the rest of my life, praying and singing hymns to God and hope that will be enough to ease the pain.

If we are heroes who fight alone, it's because those closest to us leave us no choice. Don't be a hypocrite and applaud my courage. Courage implies I chose to live like this, that I wanted to live like this. Neither of these options apply. I want to be well. I want this agony gone, I don't want to spend the last of my days kissing a teddy bear over and over again because of how lonely I am and fearful of human contact.

Our families are the least understanding of the lot and mine should know better. Many of them are depressed themselves and rather than draw us closer together, it tears us apart and is treated like a filthy secret.

Faith family friendships healing...those are the four things that Father Lindsay said I needed to heal. My family ties are precarious and close to non-existant, friendships unstable because I isolate myself, so no healing can take place.

Family....NUTS.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[Wants2Fly]

oh, Hamster Girl, you have courage. Courage is onlly demonstrated when we are undeer fire. Some general -- Patton of someone of that stature -- told his scared boys, barely men, going into bloody battle, that courage meant being scared and fighting on anyway.

You definitely are fighting on, even though it may seem like barely so some days.

Pllease, please recognize these good qualities in yourself. You deserve not only hugs here, but your own.

PS -- When I am very scared and lonely, I cudlle a stuffed Lassie that I've had since I was a kid, and I am 56. A young man in my church is very proud that he carts a teddy bear that he's had since boyhood with him.

[dexter]

hamstergirl I am 42 and have no significant other, nothing even close to a significant other, and never had anything close to a significant other or even a potential significant other for my whole life.

I used to be OK with that because I had lots of friends and lived a fulfilled and fun life. But now I feel betrayed by those friends and the lonliness is really really getting to me. The feeling of betrayal makes me feel it is even worse than if I had no friends to begin with.

Which brings up the old adage: "Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Wonder if the people who say that think about how much that hurts people who have never loved at all.

Its another horrible complication to this illness. At least you have your teddy bear. I have my stuffed dog Winston. I think it is a way of loving ourselves, as hard as that may be to realize given how negative and undeserving we may feel. Something deep inside knows that fundamentally we can love ourselves. I think that is important to recognize whether or not you have people around.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[dexter]

T

The "alone" part of your title does indeed make it difficult, but focus on the "fighting" part. Something is keeping you going. You have a strong drive to survive this. It may feel like you are close to the edge but seeking and following through with help is a huge resource. Sometimes it may seem like things are so bad that you can't survive without that professional help, but the fact that you are getting that help shows that you ARE doing what you need to do to survive.

Survival doesn't necessarily mean being strong enough at all times... it means doing whatever you need to do to stay alive, and a big part of that is recognizing weaknesses and getting help in those areas.

Strength doesn't always mean overcoming weakness, it means not succumbing to weakness and using whatever tools are available to help.

Think of it the same way the cliche goes about bravery... bravery isn't not being scared... where's the bravery in that? Bravery is being scared and fighting anyway.

If you've read around my posts you know I can relate to the "no help" thing as if we had performed a Vulcan Mind Meld. That still hurts me, and still tortures me with regard to my future... but for now the important thing is to focus on getting through this whether you have friends around to carry some of the load or not.

Someone close who could lend emotional support would certainly ease the burden, but you DO have help... you have the doctors and professionals to help with the important details of getting well again, you have us to offer understanding and support, and as you are learning, you have yourself to count on.


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--http://www.idexter.com

[Fuzzybear]

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