This sucks

Late last year I started the home buying process which ended up so stressful. The only reason I have survived is I have an amazing realtor that can put up with me.

It has made my anxiety and depression worse for many reasons. One, buying something that is a quarter of a million dollars is scary. It is worth a bit more than that and I am getting a good deal. An 8 year old 2200 sq foot house with no significant issues, and it is a sellers market so I actually got lucky for once in my life. I know I can afford it, the payments are barely more than my current rent but I have just felt dark inside, I can't explain it properly. Doom and dread. I have nightmares and anxiety attacks. Maybe things will improve when it closes in a few weeks.

What is worse and I feel like an idiot even thinking about it is that I will really miss my realtor. I have no illusions that our relationship is anything but professional so luckily it is not that serious of an issue. I am very content and actually enjoy being alone, well used to. Months of looking for houses with her and I have spent a lot of time on that and even just talking about other stuff have made me fear when it closes.

What is worse is that I get severely depressed after coming back home after working with her. What is that about?

She tells me she is here for me for life but I really wish we could be friends. That would be amazing even if we just talked once or twice a year. But, knowing this is nearing the end has made me feel very lonely which is not healthy. I used to never feel lonely even if I went years not talking to or going out with anyone except family members.

Now I do and that sucks! I am an ugly, horrible loser and not deserving of friends and need to find a way to get rid of these feelings. I am not sure if there is a real question in my rant, but thanks for reading.

Congratulations on becoming a homeowner. What a deal!

Would it be too unusual or untoward if you did become friends with the realtor? It sounds like you two hit it off. It might be just what you need (and deserve).

My sisters tell me I should be having fun buying a house but it is just stress and worry for me. I have a fairly fixed income and just needed to get off the rising rent treadmill.

It would be unusual because people of either gender don't seem to want to be friends. I am ashamed to admit that I would love a friendship with her but there is no way would I broach that subject. It hurts getting laughed at. She is very nice, so she probably wouldn't laugh but it would still be devastating to learn that she wouldn't even be interested in even the casual-est of friendships.

We get along really well. We are comfortable enough with each other to joke around and she even pokes fun(in a nice way) about my 'strange' likes and dislikes in houses we see. It is fun and feels very comfortable to be around her. I am very socially awkward so I was awkward with her for quite a while. Over a month ago she went on vacation for three weeks and I told I hope she is going someplace warmer than here. She responded with 'a little' and that was it. Last week during the inspection, she opened up much more about her vacation so we are definitely getting more comfortable. I wouldn't even know how to bring it up if I could find the courage to do so.

There is a bit of an age gap though. I am 49 and she is, well I don't know and not asking , but I think she is 33-35ish. Is that too big of a gap. She was shocked to learn I had grand kids and thought I was in my 30's but I don't know if looking young erases any potential creepiness of being friends with a younger woman.

I am so hopelessly socially exceptional and that fact I am worthless probably makes this whole thing pointless.

Definitely not too much of an age gap. I don't see being different gender friends being an issue either. I don't think you are worthless. I hope you can continue the friendship on terms that you are comfortable with. Sometimes life has a funny way of working out. I hope it does for you.

That age gap isn't close to being too much for a nice friendship. You do deserve friends qwerty, you're a really cool guy, in my opinion. As for feeling severely depressed when the interaction is over, I don't know exactly what it is but I understand.

Good job getting a place, that's no small feat, my friend.

It is a weird thing that it makes me so depressed right after making me feel happy-ish.

Every morning I wake up with such dark feelings inside and everything just spinning. What is adding more stress is the neighborhood. It is very safe and nice for a newer lower end development at least. When I had the inspection last Friday, once school got out I noticed all the kids were out playing and their parents, mostly moms were out yakking also. So it seems like a very social neighborhood which is another stress and something I am not used to or like.

The stress of going through the loan process isn't fun either. I still have the appraisal to go so I could lose it which I sort of hope happens but will be devastating if it does. I continue to not make sense.

At least I can say all of this is my fault for crawling out from under my rock for a few months.

What you're doing, it's a lot, and it's something I haven't been able to do myself, even though I should.

Just because the neighborhood is social doesn't necessarily mean you have to be. Don't feel pressured to engage.

It sounds like you're almost at the finish line, you just have to hang on.

Getting there, just the appraisal which my realtor thinks will come in $10-$15k over my offer and then sneak by the underwriter. Everyone seems positive so I guess that is a good sign.

I would say yes you should, you deserve everything you desire, but the home buying process is long and convoluted.

Positive is good.

And you're right about the process. I tried late last year and it took a lot out of me before I quit.

I understand that. I would not have gotten this far without my realtor. She has been supportive and tough when need be to keep me on track.

I am really hoping that having my own house to maintain will keep me more busy which is always good for my mental state.

I hope it helps you, too. Nothing like having projects to keep the mind healthy.

Ugh!

Got my appraisal this morning and underwriting approved me this afternoon. Took 19 days of torture from accepted offer to today. Still have exactly a month until close.

I am happy, scared and freaked out. I have been devolving every day. Worse and worse and I fear it will actually get worse now that it is really happening. It is not just MH stuff I worry about, it is seizure also. This could get life-threatening fast. It has gotten so bad my daughter mentioned how worse I seem, and that is saying a lot!

I can start tossing stuff out and packing which will help with my MH issues. I had been running a bit to take the edge off but mother nature cut that off by bringing blizzards and subzero temps with wind chill.

To make matters worse, my realtor is confusing me. She called the other day to check up and let me know what is going on and then we chatted a little. She essentially asked if I missed her since we aren't out together nearly everyday looking at houses anymore. I didn't want to sound like a pathetic loser so I just said 'yeah it is a bummer'. *sigh* I am pretty pathetic that the idea of casual friendship is causing so much anxiety.

You're not pathetic. The idea of having someone close like that is scary. It's okay to be a little anxious. Maybe she would like to be friends also. Hopefully she can be straight up about it. You're almost to the finish line, just hang in there, my friend.

Do you take any anti-seizure meds?

No, I don't do well on them. It is difficult to keep me below toxic levels and the one that didn't makes my memory and concentration worse.

I am fortunate that I get weak auras that initially warn me well in advance before it becomes a grand mal so I can take a benzo and shut my brain down, that seems to be my only saving grace.

Thank you for always being here for me. You are the best!

I am renting in a nice place. The person who helped me through the process was very friendly. I think I got a little confused because after I moved in that was that. I really wish professionals would be "professionally friendly" and not over-the-top friendly as that can get confusing. I have read this entire thread and I cannot really determine if your realtor is just being professionally friendly...or more than that. By the way, even though I am in a nice complex my particular apartment is not that desirable. It is dark and faces a building. I was in a very bad place at the time I was looking and this property management person was kind of pushing me and pressuring me - saying the apartment would go in a minute if I didn't take it. I signed. But other apartments here are empty for months and months. I didn't consider that facing an office building would be a deal breaker but it has really depressed me. Everything else is fine. But I have to keep the blinds closed. Never again will I get a place without a view! It was a good deal financially but I have been unhappy. It sounds like you took your time looking. If you heard the sounds of a school...that probably isn't going to go away. I think you will be okay. Don't fret about the realtor. Just be happy in your new home. (Snow/ice also crimping my running. ) Spring is around the corner! Like I said...I just could not get a feel for whether this person was being over-the-top professionally friendly...or something more. But I would hate to see you get hurt as you seem like a nice guy.

I wouldn't mind a no view place but my daughter and grand daughter live with me so I try to keep everything but my bedroom a nicer and happier place.

I am sorry you got pressured, it can be hard to deal with.

Yeah, I looked for about 3.5 months and saw so many houses I lost count. I was not being pressured but with my MH in decline, I think I started overlooking things important to me so the last few houses I would schedule to see at least twice.

Although, the sellers market is extreme so I had to be quick. I lost a couple of better houses at around the same price including a really nice 4 level(it was really 2 level, but each level was a split level) new build because of my indecisiveness. It was insane, some houses weren't even on the market 24 hours before they were gone and others had a dozen offers within that same time period.

It took a while getting comfortable making offers so quickly. I really got lucky on this house. They were fairly passively doing marketing and I just came across it on zillow listed under 'make me move' and had my agent reach out. They had no agent so I had a weekend to poke around and the only competing offer was a ridiculous low ball offer by an investor. No one else came to see it. They are a military family getting transferred and I think they liked selling to a vet. If they had a realtor I would never have gotten it. I lost a lot of bids and I saw houses like this jump up $15-$20k over asking price which was well over my preapproval limit. It is just crazy right now. It's funny, I lost two other houses in this development and both of them were gone in a day and bids got close to $20k over asking.

That is how lucky I got which worries me as I usually only have bad luck. I am telling myself it is just meant to be to try and keep myself calm.

It is confusing about professional relationships, well all relationships. I think what made it worse is that my niece came up for about 5 weeks and spent a lot of time looking at houses and she and one of my other sisters really think she wants a friendship. They told me I have zero awareness of body language and other cues which is probably correct. I think I will just see what happens as this winds down. She did say she will drop by now and again especially for the first year to make sure things are well (she really is a fantastic realtor) so I don't see the need to go out on a limb and embarrass myself.

Thank you for your kind post and I hope your next place makes you happier.

Haha. I love the idea that you are nervous about good luck! It's because you have been through the mill and are probably just exhausted.

I only purchased one home in my lifetime (with my ex) - I saw it from the outside...an initial drive by...and that was it. I knew it was mine. I fell in love. It was a gorgeous little vintage house with an insane amount of windows and I loved it like it was a second skin. Very happy there until the bankruptcy, foreclosure, and surprise divorce after a long marriage...in that order. So, as for good luck, I would say, embrace it! (I am still not getting a very good sense regarding the realtor. But maybe a lot of feelings are just overlapping. I mean it sounds like she did very well by you.) All in all, a happy time for you. Enjoy!

I am trying but I barely got any sleep last night and what little I got had bad dreams and not only about the house. It seems my worries are not disappearing but going to made up places. Hopefully after I am settled my mind will settle.

Sorry for bumping this. I figure it is better than a new post.

My depression and anxiety started getting better after I got my lease renewal notice. They want to raise my rent $75 a year. That is more than the previous 9 years here combined. It also brings it very close to the principal and interest payment for my new house and by next year rent here will surpass that. I get charged separately for water/garbage/sewer so I am used to those extra fees. If I took much longer looking I would have to go month to month, which used to be an extra $100 but is now $300! So I dodged a very expensive bullet.

So I should now be very happy I got this done in time(interest rates have already risen close to 1% since I first got my prequal letter, although it went up 0.3% by the time it locked). If I tried to buy it today I probably wouldn't even qualify and would have to start looking at older houses that are more expensive to live in and need more repairs. So yay?

After a few days of relative inner-peace, because let's face it, this is a huge purchase for me and will always be a source of stress, I have had three bad days in a row. This morning was as bad as ever. I woke up with close to what could be called seizure auras although I think it was just an extreme anxiety attack. So I took a klonopin and slept 4 more hours ruining my day. Oh, yeah, my psychosis symptoms are getting worse now also.

I have an actual question this time. What is a good way to help keep myself on a relatively even keel? Is there a supplement that won't knock me out or some kind of mental exercise? And for the excessive depression. While I have these things daily, and probably forever, this seems to be an acute, situational case and not the new normal, I hope. I hated taking the benzo, first time in months, but I really do think I was heading for a trip to the ER which would increase the odds of commitment which would kill the house deal.

The increased depression is from not talking or seeing my realtor in nearly 2 weeks. I guess I could contact her with a dumb question but I know for a fact that she is very busy and I don't want to be a pest.

I guess it is over. House closed today. I walked around aimlessly, don't really feel like moving in or doing anything. I have 5 weeks before my lease is up so I have time but is this normal? It doesn't feel real at all. The house feels like it is someone elses house and I am trespassing. I do have someone that will help me with picking paint colors and whatnot so I can make it more my style. Hopefully that will help.

Even more surreal is my realtor really will keep in contact with me, so I think a casual friendship is possible. I don't know if I could be more pathetic, excited about a casual friendship(it is a very rare event in my life). Plus, she wants me to help her nephews learn a bit about programming and asked me to help, which is so exciting to me! Pathetic.

I really am worried about seizures or whatnot. About an hour after signing my life away yesterday I had a large seizure aura, it felt like getting hit in the head with a bat. Once I settle into a new normal, I really worry about that. Plus my psychosis is not helping. The only question is what part of the VA hospital do I get admitted to.

I suppose it's normal until you really make it yours.

Making a casual friendship and being excited about it isn't pathetic. It's good and could be healthy for you.

If you're talking about being admitted things must be pretty serious, in both cases. Not sure talking about seizures helps with seizures (hasn't in my experience) but maybe talking about the psychosis could help. I'm here if you want to.

Yes, you always are.

I was pushing at closing to make sure I can get the mortgage posted in my account soon so I can setup auto payments. They seemed really taken aback by my insistence and ended up having to tell them why. I am shocked they didn't ask if I had ever been judged incompetent. Especially after a few minor episodes where I started shaking uncontrollably and could barely understand what was going on. I am happy my realtor was there to explain everything. I didn't trust anyone else in this process except her. I trust her unconditionally which she earned over and over again. That kind of scares me, I don't trust easy.

I don't know if it will be a seizure, I expect it will be. It could be MH. For over a month I haven't fell asleep before 2AM and haven't slept past 7AM, usually I am up earlier than that. What wakes me are severe anxiety attacks. I kind of want to go in and see a pdoc, but am deathly afraid of them trying to force meds. I am not ready for that again, at least not yet.

What is stressing me out at the moment is kind of dumb. I did something entirely out of character and let her take a picture of me. It was an advertisement type picture. Like "check this out, I am so good I even got this idiot a house" It was me and my daughter and granddaughter holding a sign in front of the new house. I guess that is a common thing. It really bothered me to get my picture taken, it always does. What is worse is that I let her post it publicly in her various business pages and even her personal FB page, but I can't stress enough how out of character that is. I did it because I want to help her as much as I can. There has never been a picture of me on the Internet before, at least publicly accessible or even on FB regardless of privacy settings. I work hard to stay invisible online(and in person if I am being honest). It really bothers me that people I went to high school with all those centuries ago have seen it and commented on it.

Why? I don't know. I think it goes beyond the fact I am ugly, but I really don't know. Most people don't care but here I am obsessing about it when I have much bigger things coming up, like fixing up the house and most importantly getting a visit from my grandson.

Man, I can understand the stress. I actually have a similar thing about pictures of me online or anything. I've gotten slightly better about it but I still obsess.

Finding something that will help with your sleep should be of the utmost importance. Strange, my severe anxiety attacks have been waking me up, too. I've been very stressed out lately, also. I think that maybe with all of the stress that came from getting your house, anxiety tagged along and wants to stay. Hopefully, now that the process is finished, the anxiety will begin to lift and you can sleep, again.

Your realtor sounds like a really good person. I'm glad she came into your life.