confessions of little turtle with love

thanks katydid.....please be kind to yourself...

I’m one messed up bear. Bad sad paws

Time.. yes, and all those things too. Hard because I don’t want to be on the planet.

But I’ll put up with it, although I’m so “horrible” I have to stay

((((((((( little turtle )))))))))

There are times when I don't want to be on this planet too. The depression and panic attacks are so painful. And they go on and on. This episode has been a very long one since aug 2017. But then I think of my bf. He is far away yet he loves me very much. He said he'll lose his mind if I die. So I have to live for him.

I have been thinking about forgiveness....self forgiveness...
I am having a hard time forgiving myself for leaving private practice...
I still blame myself about that breakdown..i blame myself..
I don't understand what happened there..i just don't know...
I just cant let that go....I wanted to die..i need to understand..
please anybody help me with this if you can...

things were getting harder in private practice....
I was all by myself without a secretary...
and more people were coming for help...
I was not prescribing any medicines...
but I really was not trained to do psychotherapy...
it was too much...I broke down..
I took Elavil and I think it helped after awhile..
but I had no sex drive...my wife was not happy...

Yes—you did the best you could under the circumstances.

It is really harsh not to forgive yourself, you know?

Show yourself some kindness, the same kindnesses you have in you for others suffering.

Please be kind to yourself

thanks to all the members on the fuzzy bus...
self forgiveness....be kind to self...yes

I just got very mad in my house...I am alone right now and I started screaming and swearing...I let myself let it out...and it felt damn good...I am amazed at how we keep all this stuff in....my celexa keeps me quieted down...but today I just let it rip...

the more I can cry and scream...the better for me today...
the sorrow that has no vent in tears makes other organs weep...

Good little turtle for letting the anger out sorrow that has no vent in tears - so true (sadhug)

(If only... “medication” alone ....won’t “fix” much of anything certainly not for me or little turtle :-( )

I wish I’d been “scared” of antidepressants before and never taken the **** things or at least insisted on some sort of support from “professionals” while taking them

I think the medication knocks out emotions including sex and sad and mad..

And it makes more and more people recommend medication and maybe without looking for causes (it’s not simply biochemical for all, IMO)

I really am a very kind person....but I can get very very angry...and there are so many things that I am angry about..but I am a kind sensitive person...I have never ever killed anyone...and you cant go to jail for what you are thinking...I don't intend to kill myself unless I am dying from cancer and there is no hope..

I understand.. I’m a very kind and sensitive person too

In my case both meds and therapy have helped. Therapy is expensive and there are not good therapists at my place, but the advice and suggestions I get from PC serve as therapy to me and to this day have helped me a lot.

Meds like lamotrigine(thank God I never had the rashes!), buspirone, amisulphride(very low dose - 50mg) have helped me a lot but then some have made life miserable for me like olanzapine, risperidal, lithium, quetiapine etc etc. SNRIs have sent me down the manic spiral. So its both ways I guess.

I’m allergic to all of them

So even if they could help (which they otherwise could) .. they can’t

I feel for you. Only if you were not allergic to all meds. But now you have us and we care about you. Hugs

I’m not a “good bear” - I’m not freakin perfect

Neither am I. Nobody is. But I like you a lot.

I cant believe how much suffering there is....
all kinds of suffering...I don't like what I see..

what is all this crap ...that you are weak if you cry............