[KarateKid]

I was having one of my imaginary therapy sessions at home and finally realized that yes I do hate myself and also realized why.

I was failed by everyone throughout my life. Teachers pulled my hair, pinched me, and called me stupid. Kids picked on me, threw balls against me, one tried to drown me. I got pulled out of therapy at six years of age after one session because they weren't going to pay for someone to play games with me all hour.

Well, I let myself down too. I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't stand up to the teachers, the bullies, etc. And so I projected all the anger I have against everyone who ever failed me towards myself because I failed myself too, and I'm the easy target to hate. All the hate I didn't realize is now projected onto me. I'm the easy one to hate, the one without backbone, so I'm doing the same the other people did. I'm picking on myself because I'm the easy target.

So, I hate myself because I didn't do anything. I should have stood up for my six year old self. I should have stood up for my 14 year old self. And I didn't. I hate myself because I didn't do anything.

[dexter]

A six year old can't be expected to stand up for themselves or even to understand the concept of standing up for oneself. A fourteen year old is in a similar position.

Now that you recognize this you CAN stand up for yourself! I think you are doing so just by posting what you did... thinking about it and realizing it, coming to an understanding, realizing that what they did wasn't right, and using your voice to acknowledge that it wasn't right by posting here.

You can't go back and change what happened but now that you realize it you can take control back... stand up to yourself, for yourself, and don't let you keep causing pain to yourself by blaming yourself for things that were out of your control.

{{{{{{karatekid}}}}}}

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--http://www.idexter.com

[(JD)]

I agree with the others... 6 year olds do not have the capacity to take care of themselves... that's why we have parents and families and teachers and neighbors... or supposedly that's why they are there.

sometimes therapasizing ourselves can be dangerous... so does your anger go back that far or are you finding your current anger and trying to find a reason for it? I think you can be angry at 6, but because of family dynamics, have to repress it because otherwise you might be reprimanded.. and it just wasn't safe to express it.

Maybe all that anger is now coming out? It's tough to realize you had no control. It's easier to blame ourselves, say that IF we had done this and that THEN ... because then we can reason it away. But it isn't that way. This makes it harder to deal with, because to try and reason the meaness of some people is difficult.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[KarateKid]

Therapisizing?

What's happening is that I've repressed feelings my whole life. We're talking a whole different level of repression. 4 months ago I couldn't even verbalize "I'm happy." Now I cry myself to sleep every night because of the pain.

Maybe I repressed my feelings because I wasn't strong enough to handle them. I really don't believe there's anything G-d gives us that we can't handle. I'll be crying myself to sleep every night on a regular basis now but one day, days, months, years from now, I'll find one day there's no need to cry. And that will grow into two days a week, five, etc. I'm reliving the pain of all those years. I'm going back, so to speak, and allowing myself to feel the feelings that I didn't feel then.

The anger is different. I don't think I've forgiven myself for throwing myself to the curb. I stopped caring what happened to myself. I mean, I take baths, I went to school, I have always had a job, but other than that I just sit home and play Minesweeper. I stopped caring. Other than the basics to keep myself alive, I really didn't care what else happened. So I guess by allowing myself to go back and revisit all these feelings over and over again, I'm hoping I'll come to understand and accept them and I can move on with my life and improve my "quality" of life. I could go on living like this forever, but I know my quality of life could be better. I could do more with it than simply eat/slee/bathe/keep a job.

I've always been interested in the why's too, though, and I guess this is what it's all about. Feeling the feelings and trying to find out the why's behind them.

[(JD)]

Wow! You are sure packing a lot of therapy into a short time period! I hope your T can help you slow it down so you can not become so overwhelmed.

(Therapasized is a little known made up term for being in therapy)

And what you are going through, well, as you can see, they are not mutually exclusive and also, just because you are going through them now, doesn't mean you won't revisit these feelings again later.

Often we deal with things on many levels. Right now, you are on one level... later on, when you are ready and have more knowledge and better therapy skills, you might revisit some of these things, ideas, feelings on a higher level and work through them again...

It's all part of the process, and it's exciting to me to see you progressing through it! But don't be so hard on yourself, it can be easier!

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>