Safe Place

*protects So from the world*

We love you here, So

Thank you everyone.

(((((((( So leigheas ))))))))

I'm at my therapist's office. Needless to say I'm anxious. After last night... I haven't stopped being anxious, angry and just not motivated to do anything other than sit and deal with all of it. I don't know why things decided to get bad out of nowhere like this. My hallucinations have also increased and the voice in my head keeps telling me that someone's coming for me. I don't know who, but I think he means the woman (one of my more terrifying hallucinations). I don't want her or the man to come back. It doesn't seem to matter what I'm doing, it's all just right here in my head. I don't know if I can do this.

I've calmed down since yesterday. My anxiety isn't bad at all right now.

Has anyone else ever woken up and just realized something about yourself? I do that a lot. This morning it's simple: I'm mediocre at best. Everything and anything I've ever put time into learning, I can never pass mediocrity. Not in sports, music or writing. Nothing I've ever done is something to be impressed by. Not a single thing has ever resulted in excellence, no matter how much I practice and how much time I put in it. So, if I were to die, how would I describe my myself in the end? Mediocre.

I wonder if that is not so much a realization as an attack on self, caused by depression?



The belief that “I am not good enough” certainly can be caused by depression. It can be caused by trauma. It can be caused by many adverse childhood experiences.



You are good enough.

I appreciate that Bill, but it's like, I don't know how to describe it.

It's not that in my life I've never been told that I'm better than mediocre. I just can't see anything else. It's like when I was cleaning this unlisted house with my friends. We cleaned this place, stained the floors and fixed a bathroom from hell. We cleaned on this house for five days straight, spending at least eight hours there a day/night (none of us really slept). By the time we were done, my two friends were proud of what we did, of the work we put in and the "fantastic" results. I didn't see it that way. I still saw dirt, I still saw mold and cobwebs. It wasn't clean. I told them that and then told them I wanted to do one more once over with sweeping and vacuuming at least. They didn't let me because that'd be the fifth time I would've done it. They saw something pristine. I saw filth. I've been told I excel at writing stories. I still only see all of the errors and reuse of words, terrible descriptions and poor set up. I still only see mediocrity. So, I try and teach myself better ways to write but to no avail. It's still and will always be mediocre.

Yeah, I have depression but I'm treating it. I have trauma and not the best childhood, but who doesn't? My work is pathetic. I'm pathetic.

You could be right, if I look at this from an outsider's perspective I can see that you could be right. But when I look at my work, it's just **** in comparison to those who excel.

They're back. They're trying to take control, but I'm giving them a run for their money. They must obey me, not the other way around. I will win this fight for my soul.

It really matters what your definition of 'mediocre' is. Don't compare yourself to those "who excel" or other ******** like that. Look, I know friends who are perfectly normal teenagers in every aspect, starting right from driving expensive geared bikes of rich friends to going on dates every weekend. They still are in the first year of getting a diploma of engineering. Here I have completed junior college and now even a B.Sc student. I think it would have been real nice if I was normal just like them, but since I am not, I don't need to go back into my mind and blame myself for not being normal, it's just what is, and as my primary doc put it, I still (he didn't use the word 'still') can be a successful doctor and I will eventually learn how to ride geared bikes and my parents' grip on my life is going to lessen eventually.

Now, I don't want to feed you bullcrap, but here's what is, I am academically mediocre but I still have chances of going into med school. I still can give the Medical Entrance Exam and ace it and get admitted in a government medical college. My other friends may quit education and end up homeless (I don't want it to happen , of course) but I have something they don't, they have something I don't.

I can convert this situation with enough effort, getting admitted to a hostel and live my life the way I want to. Of course, there'd be some problem, like the fact there are no barbers near the college, but I cannot expect the situation to be perfect.

I am not feeding you ********, it's just how I genuinely view the situation now. My advice would be do improve yourself weekly by whatever amount you can, and compare yourself to yourself only. Then after a year, you'd be excellent too.

...............

Don’t feel bad about posting. You can write about just how you feel no matter what. I too feel like I ony write negative posts. But I often use this place as a place to vent and then I often feel better.

I woke up to see texts about my nephew being born. After a while the texts stop, so I'm hoping things are okay. Wish I knew which hospital it was.

Aside from that, I'm sorry I wrote my last post and the one before it. I was dissociating a lot and sometimes when it gets bad I start getting a little delusional. I felt like I was battling for my soul (that's about all I remember), which is pretty metaphorical if you think about it.

I'm also supposed to be taking my little sister to the fair today. She's not a little kid but she's never been to the fair so this will hopefully be exciting for her. I know I'm gonna have to take my PRNs with me to handle that many people in one place. I just hope I can keep it together today since I haven't been able to stay completely stable all day for the past week and a half. I just need to keep it together for my little sister and hopefully not freak out before we leave the fair.

To the post about mediocrity, TheLonelyChemist, thank you for your post. It's hard not to compare myself, more than anything, to my older sister. She's always excelled at everything she worked on and I'm happy for her. My whole life I've been compared to her and my other siblings. Let's just say I'm not impressive. I know I shouldn't compare myself and my accomplishments to others, but my mind does it before I can usually even realize it's happening. I'm kind of a family let down. I know I've let my dad and grandpa down. I don't know, I just feel pathetic, I guess.

I used to excel at studies and even social life too before I became very psychotic and eventually aware of it. Even won school level gold medal for science in eight grade. Excellent in science since it was introduced (fifth grade) but poor at math.

Long story short, you don't need to strictly follow what I say, but you need to ACCEPT that you have some flaws. Comparison is the thief of joy, I read over a blog. If you have time, check the blog post out. >> Comparison is the Thief of JoyAspiring Docs Diaries |


It's from a medical college point of view, but that's the most relevant topic I have read that is relevant to your situation.

Also, enjoy the life you always wanted. I know it's hard, and I myself have been in therapy for two years before it finally started making changes in my way of thinking, I think that's the best I can offer.

To accept my flaws means accepting myself, I'm having a hard time doing that. Especially when all I see are flaws, nothing good about me and I'm ultimately annoyed by my own existence. I don't know why I'm like this. I just know I well and truly hate myself.

I'll definitely check out the blog today when I get time and can focus. I appreciate what you're saying and I know self-acceptance is something I really need to work on. I'll try to look at the good things I do today, if there are any. Anyway, thank you for your post.

You don't have to worry, feeling low exactly what depression is.

Depression gives distorted images.

Yes—that is all that depression sees.

Depression is like unknowingly wearing thick orange glasses and then honestly concluding that the world is orange.

Be aware of the orange glasses!

Just something getting me through some crap.

You're right. I guess I just thought since my depression lifted some that it was completely gone.

((((Fuzzybear))))

I’m happy to know that your depression has lifted some!

Remember though that a strongly negative sense of self often arises not just from depression but also directly from trauma and adverse childhood experiences. For this reason it is really important, in my view, to make an extra effort to take seriously the compliments and positive assessments that you receive from others.

Pain is different for everyone. Your pain is just as valid as anyone elses. Give yourself a break, please.