[Rose76]

I had a couple of real good days. Today wasn't so hot, though this eve improved. The key to feeling okay, I've found, is to stop escaping into cyberspace and take care of what needs doing. I've caught up on dealing with some paperwork, such as unopened mail. Paperwork is what overwhelms me, partly because I compulsively hoard stuff, like junk mail.

[mugwort2]

My weekend was somewhat challenging. A woman who can be a good friend . However she can be a challenge when staying over. Reason for her staying over was she lives in housing where curfew is 8 pm. We went to a poetry reading that let out at 9[pm OTOH I did get through the weekend okay.

It was very busy at work this morning, even though there wasn't much volume in incoming and outgoing stuff. A lot of stuff to do within the building itself. I really prefer to do the job that I was called to do or that I had applied for.

Still feeling very down and guilty about not working out and standing up to the manager at my place. I have a very difficult time in starting a controversy. Also I had been feeling down about life, being sick of my routine. But on the other hand, I have to be and truly thankful, too.

[Rose76]

I'm doing fairly okay. My bf seems sick, and I think we may need to go to the ER. Bit I'm not sure. He has spells that he sometimes gets over. So I'm waiting to see if this is a passing period of weakness. If he gets worse, we'll have to go.

I've been more organized about my housekeeping routine.

[3rd rock]

I have to make an important phone call today. It can wait until Monday, so it will.

My depression is weighing on me and I've been feeling under the weather. I am going to let myself eat whatever I want this week and I will take walks as often as I can. Oh, and I am not going out at all this holiday weekend.

My depression is there, in the background. One day at a time.

[3rd rock]

I have decided that my current project will be done by the end of September.

Been feeling alright today. Busy with cleaning and shopping. My friend might come over here to visit with me late this afternoon, but I haven't heard if he really will or not. He had told me that he was going to be in my area late this afternoon.

I feel like a failure.

[Rose76]

I'm surprised to see posts of mine above where I reported feeling sort of okay. It shows me that intervals of feeling very down come, and they go. This morning I've been down. Already even had a crying spell.

I want to know how much longer my s.o.'s terminal illness is going to last. A year ago I was happy he was still alive. Now I think everyday how I wish this could be over for both of our sakes.

The apartment is messy. I keep him clean and fed. Beyond the essentials, I have no motivation. Thick, visible dust covers everything. The floors are dirty.

I do always feel improved when I get something cleaned. So I have a goal of doing that today.

It has been a pretty good weekend so far. Nice to have a Monday off from work. Yesterday I took a 2 and a half hour bike ride and then my friend came over to spend the night. I was anxious about it because I worried about being a good host. And I worried about getting proper sleep last night because, once before when he had stayed overnight, woke me up a few times in the middle of the night. And breakfast was a bit complicated this morning as he wanted to go out to eat. I got up at 6:45 AM and was all for it until the café he wanted to go to didn't open until 8AM. So I ended up making breakfast for myself and then went with him at 8 to the café. I was disappointed with the café, since I had never been there before.

It was nice having him at my place, but felt like it went on a little bit too long. I preferred him to just come in the middle of the day for a couple of hours. But I think from now on he can do it that way because he had figured out the bus schedule.

Nothing much after he left to go to his house. I'll see how the rest of the day unfolds.

I had a mini vacation at my dad's. It did me a lot of good. Both my son's are well at this moment. That, that's what makes my heart sing.

[bornunderabadsign]

I'm not feeling very okay. I've considered checking into the hospital but I don't really want to do that. I don't like being locked up. I have no motivation and I've been having unkind thoughts. I'm going to see if my therapist can work me in on Wednesday. I need to get on my meds again but that brings up the issue of paying for them and therapy. I don't have a job and I'm not on any kind of welfare. I don't have anyone to help me financially either. I feel so lost and useless. I don't know what to do.

Recently had a career change, well more like a break in employment, and I am working less hours. My days are long and somewhat uneventful.

[3rd rock]

I don't know what to do. Book sales are at a low ebb. I'm not making much money. It seems nobody likes my books.

Life is like walking through a fire sometimes. I was happier without my roommate.. I do need to leave him for my own sanity and peace. I now realize how much more I am worth than the way he behaves with me.

[3rd rock]

It would probably be best if I didn't check my sales reports at all. I think once a month is ideal. I'll try and work down to that.

It was a fairly good day for me today. I'm feeling pretty good lately, even with not working out because of my downstairs neighbor. I have been bike riding every day.

About the weight-lifting I have done for many years that I have halted for now, I have been doing a lot of thinking about it. Lately I had been sick of it and not look forward to doing it. Maybe I'm living in denial, I don't know. Also I had been getting hurt a lot doing it for the past year or so. So I guess I'm just going to do strength training with something else. I don't know what I will do but I'm sure something will come along that might be better than what I have been doing before.

[Deilla]

I have an appointment today. I'll try to remain positive and think of how it will benefit me. It's close by, so that's good. I have to shower and get dressed. Will try to keep the stress low so I can manage. The biggest hurdle is getting dressed. After that I'll be fine.

I think I'm going to enjoy some of my life now. Things can change. Time for a cool change. Love to all.

The day went alright until after work when I went to a Laundromat near where I live. I thought that I would try it for a change. What a mistake that was! It ended up costing me much more than doing the laundry at my place. The reason I wanted to try the switch was because the washers at where I live are not reliable. Why does doing the laundry have to be so hard?

Speaking of laundry, I have that problem too. This building has one washer for way too many people. I'm doing ok physically lately. I'm ready for part time work when I find the right place. My depression seems too much to do with others. I don't like being what I feel is selfish. But I do need to take care of my needs first.

doing ok, not bad, not good... treading water.

Manager told me I’d have another week training. Can’t help but feel like a failure. And can’t help but feel betrayed that coworker who is training me ratted me out because I forgot how to do something. And that we’re not friends since he’s reporting on me to manager

I know these aren’t productive emotions but I can’t help but feel that way. I just feel ******.

And always as always I’m alone.