[Fuzzybear]

I’m just the same old.. undeserving bear.

I’m waiting for the end of the bear

Maybe I deserve all this pain

[Thirty shades]

((((((Fuzzybear))))))

I am pleased you are here
I would miss you
You deserve no pain
Much love to you

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Thirty shades

((((((Fuzzybear))))))

I am pleased you are here
I would miss you
You deserve no pain
Much love to you

((((((((( Thirty shades )))))))))

Thank you dear friend..
I’m pleased you’re here also and I would miss you if you weren’t here..
Neither of us deserve pain

Much love to you

[MickeyCheeky]

Nobody deserves pain, Fuzzybear. Certainly not a kind, sweet bear like you! You're always helping out so many people with your kind, supportive posts and your hugs here on PC. You've certainly helped me and I'll forever be grateful to you for that. Please don't give up. You're a wonderful bear, Fuzzybear. Stay strong, Fuzzybear. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Try to hang on. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Fuzzybear. You don't deserve to suffer at all. You're a wonderful bear

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Nobody deserves pain, Fuzzybear. Certainly not a kind, sweet bear like you! You're always helping out so many people with your kind, supportive posts and your hugs here on PC. You've certainly helped me and I'll forever be grateful to you for that. Please don't give up. You're a wonderful bear, Fuzzybear. Stay strong, Fuzzybear. Stay safe and take care of yourself. You're awesome! You're strong! You're a warrior! Try to hang on. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, Fuzzybear. You don't deserve to suffer at all. You're a wonderful bear

(((((((((( Mickey )))))))))

Thanks so much, much love to you

[mulan]

Tell us about what hurts you!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by mulan

Tell us about what hurts you!

Thanks Mulan...

This is some of it ...

I guess it’s like your post about being so much misunderstood, lonely, in “survival” mode for so long.. teachers didn’t like me, class mates didn’t like me, parents were disappointed in me and the mother in particular was “indifferent” ...they wanted a perfect doll who had all their interests and none of my own)..I didn’t know me, nobody knew me.. I got good grades (most of the time) But was dissociated too, hiding, surviving ... and I don’t know a way out of the **** hole I’m in (“just” “forget it”and “move on”? ) I’ve never known “normal”

People who don’t know me or like me judging my “potential” No interest in the human who is fuzzy bear...

I don’t think papa bear’s family like me either.. the maternal unit said how “people will wonder what he sees in her” ... ouch I “couldn’t” give my own mother “pleasure” - what a pos of a bear

[Thirty shades]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Thanks Mulan...

This is some of it ...

I guess it’s like your post about being so much misunderstood, lonely, in “survival” mode for so long.. teachers didn’t like me, class mates didn’t like me, parents were disappointed in me and the mother in particular was “indifferent” ...they wanted a perfect doll who had all their interests and none of my own)..I didn’t know me, nobody knew me.. I got good grades (most of the time) But was dissociated too, hiding, surviving ... and I don’t know a way out of the **** hole I’m in (“just” “forget it”and “move on”? ) I’ve never known “normal”

People who don’t know me or like me judging my “potential” No interest in the human who is fuzzy bear...

I don’t think papa bear’s family like me either.. the maternal unit said how “people will wonder what he sees in her” ... ouch I “couldn’t” give my own mother “pleasure” - what a pos of a bear

I believe we were programmed to be this way
Lack of love
Left us in deep need
People sense that and back off
Our peers backed off because we lacked basic social skills

I too learnt to dissociate, hide and survive....
My MU wanted a doll but got a live baby girl
Perhaps if I had been a boy
Or a doll....

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Thirty shades

I believe we were programmed to be this way
Lack of love
Left us in deep need
People sense that and back off
Our peers backed off because we lacked basic social skills

I too learnt to dissociate, hide and survive....
My MU wanted a doll but got a live baby girl
Perhaps if I had been a boy
Or a doll....

(((((((( Thirty shades ))))))))

My MU wanted a boy too .... or a doll who developed exactly to her schedule and whose “needs” ..... I was not a “needy child” whatever that means. Grrrrrr...

And if I had been, well, I didn’t know that was a crime. But what do I know..

A boy doll maybe ...

[mulan]

Just be yourself. Its not easy, but don't be embarased. Be yourself, be to much. Show your feelings and be true to who you are it may seem to much and it hurts.
You are smart enough to understand if people are like you. Choose people who are emotional too and share.

I am sharing little by little with people I like from work, I won't tell my sister I am sharing with them, she is emotionaly deprived and she doesn't understands my needs.

I feel like a borderline in need for attention. But I decided I need the attention for now. Its hard I admit, but I am trying with all my strenghts not to care.

Anyway, just my piece of advice. For me is right I have been thinking about this a lot. My therapist might find it strange, but I have to heal somehow.

[Fuzzybear]

What would it have been like to have had a relative, or even a teacher who spoke to me with kindness and enthusiasm..

Who didn’t punish me for every tiny mistake, label me for every time they thought I wasn’t “normal” (what is that ) or just for being a bear cub

I don’t know.. a bad paws who is undeserving of love would not know

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks Mulan

Yes I think the family of origin ... I don’t know.. emotionally deprived, maybe. Almost certainly NPD

Papa bear does find me “too much” and too emotional sometimes. He needs a lot of quiet time

The maternal unit told an abusive boyfriend I had to shack up with as I had nowhere to live I was an “emotional drain”.. thanks “mum”

I thought mothers had something called maternal instinct. I’m sure most do, but as I was “always” a bad paws I deserved the blame, shame and rejections

Originally Posted by mulan

Just be yourself. Its not easy, but don't be embarased. Be yourself, be to much. Show your feelings and be true to who you are it may seem to much and it hurts.
You are smart enough to understand if people are like you. Choose people who are emotional too and share.

I am sharing little by little with people I like from work, I won't tell my sister I am sharing with them, she is emotionaly deprived and she doesn't understands my needs.

I feel like a borderline in need for attention. But I decided I need the attention for now. Its hard I admit, but I am trying with all my strenghts not to care.

Anyway, just my piece of advice. For me is right I have been thinking about this a lot. My therapist might find it strange, but I have to heal somehow.

[mulan]

Mother hitted me if I choosed different clothes from what she wanted. Mother never gave me any emotional support. Father gave me emotional support but suddenly had rage attacks and got me naked to hit me, so it didn't show up. I was hitted every single day: for crying for making to much noise, for not eating everything, for not wanting to go to church. I parentalized my parents, my mother and my father, but wanted emotional support and all I thought about at the time was it was my fault, they weren't well. I was my father's confident at seven because I was the most smart and he was of course my idol (wrong me). And mother just wanted me to succeed at school, she might didn't praise me if I succeeded, but at least did not criticised me. And don't get me started on my older messed up sister, whom I followed everywere.

[mulan]

What suths my spirit is to know I can take care of me (with many doubts sometimes), that I tried to be myself and suddenly everybody seems to like me and my thinking is right many times (although I dought it).
My emotional depriving sister drains me. I was trying to be emotional around her and she ignored me and told me to shut up once again. When I listen to her over and over even when I am not interested and I have other things to do. I told her to check up on that and that she made me sad.

[mulan]

Bite! And be thruthfull. I am trying to wake up the abusers around me that can be awaked. It's messed up because I can't Keep taking care of everybody, but I have the right to gain my mental sanity.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by mulan

Mother hitted me if I choosed different clothes from what she wanted. Mother never gave me any emotional support. Father gave me emotional support but suddenly had rage attacks and got me naked to hit me, so it didn't show up. I was hitted every single day: for crying for making to much noise, for not eating everything, for not wanting to go to church. I parentalized my parents, my mother and my father, but wanted emotional support and all I thought about at the time was it was my fault, they weren't well. I was my father's confident at seven because I was the most smart and he was of course my idol (wrong me). And mother just wanted me to succeed at school, she might didn't praise me if I succeeded, but at least did not criticised me. And don't get me started on my older messed up sister, whom I followed everywere.

I was verbally battered when I bought one item of clothing... these were financially well off people. Insane...

It was my fault my mother was depressed as I had “ruined” her life.. the PU’s serial affairs from very early on in the marriage had nothing to do with her mental state

I don’t think either of them knew what emotional support was. But they knew to label me as “emotionally immature”

The PU kept a mistress and a boat.. I didn’t know of this or maybe I did? He was my idol in a sense too when I was little (wrong me too..)

I wasn’t praised when I succeeded.. but I wasn’t blamed. It was “expected” that I’d get a scholarship for university.. otherwise I wasn’t allowed to go, eventually that was got around, don’t get me started on that. The parental units paid nothing towards it as I wasn’t training to be a medic as the PU had wanted. I was hit too as a cub

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I was verbally battered when I bought one item of clothing... these were financially well off people. Insane...

It was my fault my mother was depressed as I had “ruined” her life.. the PU’s serial affairs from very early on in the marriage had nothing to do with her mental state

I don’t think either of them knew what emotional support was. But they knew to label me as “emotionally immature”

The PU kept a mistress and a boat.. I didn’t know of this or maybe I did? He was my idol in a sense too when I was little (wrong me too..)

I wasn’t praised when I succeeded.. but I wasn’t blamed. It was “expected” that I’d get a scholarship for university.. otherwise I wasn’t allowed to go, eventually that was got around, don’t get me started on that. The parental units paid nothing towards it as I wasn’t training to be a medic as the PU had wanted. I was hit too as a cub

Thank you for sharing! our mothers could have been the same mothers. I Just remember in childhood to cry myself to bed and wonder why anybody liked me. So messed up. My father confided me when I was little than he didn't only left home and mother because of me and that he hated everyone around whom I with my children eyes liked. When I wanted to cry I hided myself and imagined why anybody came to ask if I was ok, and wished with all my heart that some of my parents showed up. Messed up.

[mulan]

My father saw is lost long brother and his lost friends from other part of the country in me. He just couldn't.

[mulan]

He felt lonely and missunderstood, but I just diserved to be a Child.

[mulan]

My mother was depressed because her mother was messed up too. And my father parents where messed up too. This is not my weight to carry.

And have been applying must of my strengts to get rid of it.

[mulan]

Today I wanted to be with someone and I realized it was my abandoment Schema working, my fresh made friends will be there and won't leave if I ask for help. I had a brief thaugh of them as my parents and that thought helped me so much. They won't be instable and unavailable as my parents, because with all deficits they are good and smart people I can discuss music, books and stories with and rant on other people. I suddenly felt so much calm and decided I should keep going on with my life and making decisions on what to do next without validation.
I can expect them to be available for me always but they appreciate me and be there whenever I need. It's calming thinking about this.
Anyway I need so much validation even so.

[Yzen]

Deserving or Undeserving....there is nothing but people that might label us as deserving or undeserving. Animals (including bears) live in a world without that judgement.

Originally Posted by mulan

I suddenly felt so much calm and decided I should keep going on with my life and making decisions on what to do next without validation.

mulan, I like that thought about making decisions without validation. We need to trust our own decisions more. Trust ourselves.

[Fuzzybear]

[Humpty Dumpty]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I’m just the same old.. undeserving bear.

I’m waiting for the end of the bear

Maybe I deserve all this pain

You're right Fuzzy. You are undeserving. You don't deserve to have been treated by so called professionals the way you have. You don't deserve to have been treated by your family the way you were. You are undeserving of the pain you are in. You are undeserving. Just not in the way you think.

[mulan]

Having childhood traumas suck. It's terrible for your own happiness. I have made 80% of the path towards my well being without any understandment irl. And is so ****ing important to be validated.
I barely had someone to asks me if I was ok, any time, I screamed depression and my shink sister couldn't see it, just lecture me for all my falts... I was só much afraid to ask for help, not because I didn't want it, but because of the criticism and lack of emotional support around. It got guts to look and schedule appoitments with good shrinks and therapists. But here I go on my own. I am very goal oriented (childhood trauma result?) and I know what I want (feel good)... I am trying to ignore all the abusers abuse and have anyhow cordial relations with them and find my own group of non abusers (I have some ideas).