Burned out and depressed.

Thank you both. I am heartened that you've responded.

Yes, it is true that I would feel much better, if I did pick up, even just somewhat. Yesterday, after my pills kicked in, I got 80% of the kitchen mess cleaned up, and I did feel better - much better. Then I cooked dinner. We ate. Then I was too tired and sore to clean up the new mess in the kitchen. Plus he didn't feel good and needed to be put to bed. Then I didn't want to make noise in the kitchen. He sleeps in a hospital bed in the small living room. It's a "galley kitchen" right next to the living room. But I got some of it done. Then I was weary. I woke up today to a sink full of dishes. (No dishwasher.) Every morning the living room has, as it's center piece, an unmade hospital bed. He needs so much hands-on care (incontinence, mobility impaired, etc.)(plus breathing treatments.) And I'm always behind. He's overdue to be shaved. I'm not having any attendant in because I'm afraid. It's an option - sure. But who wants to take that risk? I've always dreaded respiratory illness. I think it's the worst way to die . . . slowly suffocating. People younger and healthier than I are in ICUs now on ventilators, due to COVID. That's how easy it can happen. So I can't let anyone in to do some of the work. Mainly I used them as "sitters," so I could go out and walk around some store and pick out a nice smelling candle or a good book and just stroll without worrying about him for a couple of hours. So COVID affected my guy and me more than the average household where members are healthy. (I totally realize that ours is not the worse of situations.)

I did call a "crisis line" and talk to a counselor for a good chunk of time. I was not at risk for self-harm, but I asked to be listened to because I was becoming hysterical, and my bf is unable to handle consoling me in that state. Right now, being with him is worse than being alone would be. So the conversation with the counselor helped me to stop sobbing, but I was still awful down. Then I took some pills. Then I saw that two P.C. members were kind enough to read my post and leave encouragement, and that really pulled me up over the awful hump. Seeing the responses was very reassuring. Acknowledging them has focused my mind, while I've waited for the pills to kick in . . . which they have, better than I was expecting.

Fuzzy, your dancing bear is the most poignant GIF (or whatever u call that) online because of the sensitive way you insert her just when and where she is needed. The gentle positivity of her encouraging hula transcends words. I know she is your spirit leaving the cave to offer comfort, humbly and sweetly.

Thank you, divine, for saying nice things to me when I'ld gotten in despair from hearing all the hard things I've said to myself. Your post was a real surprise to me.

Now, before my Vicodin and Ritalin wear off, I will take a shower, brush my teeth and go get "take out" for supper. Not cleaning any pans or pots tonight. I told him it will be take out for the next few days, till I restore some order to this apartment.

Thanks for helping me.

I went and got some KFC for my S.O.'s supper. I didn't shower. I didn't brush my teeth. I put him to bed. A piece of one of my teeth broke off. It's very sore there now. I took another hydrocodone, but it's not helping my sore gum. Guess I'll take another one. I just don't want to hurt anymore tonight.

I was doing pretty good for so long taking Vicodin 10/325 twice or three times a day. Today between my aching arm and heel and mouth, I've already taken five of them today . . . and I need another one right now. That's about the most I've ever taken in one day.

I see how people can get sucked into popping pain pills excessively. It doesn't seem excessive when you hurt. When you hurt physically as well as mentally, you just want the pain to be relieved.

I wish I could go to a doctor and say that I need help . . . that I need pain relief and I need depression relief. But I wouldn't dare. These days that would only backfire. I'ld probably just get my Vicodin prescription taken away, which would ruin my life. So I'm afraid to ask for help. I just have to pull myself together. My mouth is so sore.

I took another Vicodin. I brushed my teeth and gums with salt. It helped my mouth. Toothaches can be fixed. That's what dentists are for. I see mine regularly. I'm just embarrassed at my self-neglect.

The hospice nurse told me to give my bf an Ativan tonight. I did. Now he seems pretty sick. His cough sounds so congested.

I've striven so hard to give him good care for the past few years. I did most of it myself because his care is best when I do it. That's not egoism. Anyone nursing a family member can likely say the same thing. I'm not young. I knew it might get to be too much for me. I tapped in to all resources, so that I'ld have help when that day came. I got out of the VA system all there is to get. Same with Medicaid "Home and Community Waiver Benefit." Same with "hospice." I had a home attendant from each of those 3 systems lined up. I used them just enough to keep the benefits alive for the day when I might really need them. Attendants liked coming here. I'ld have the bedside care already done and ask little of them. Just to stand by while I went out to the store. They could just sit and watch TV with him. Last week I released them from coming over because of the risk of COVID. From March, 2019, until Xmas, 2019, I had no attendants and did all the care myself. Now when I'm becoming unable to cope - physically and mentally - the attendants are dangerous to let in because of the virus. Now, going to a nursing home is so dangerous. It's so cruel for this Corona thing to come along now and take away the options I thought would be there went he approached the end. I earned the help that I was going to use only when absolutely necessary, after doing so much on my own for so long. This is so unfair. I totally realize that there are thousands of stories across the nation of people adversely impacted by Corona, lots far more pitiable than mine.

I'm so sorry you had a tooth break. I had a doc tell me once that tooth pain was some of the worst pain there is so you have my utmost sympathy.

I wish I had something of value to add but I'm afraid I'm pretty useless in that department.

Wishing you strength in this horrible time

Hi Raindrop. Just you dropping by is more than you know. It is a horrible time. My individual circumstances wouldn't seem half so bad, if there weren't that awful, black cloud hanging over all our heads. And it follows us and creeps in everywhere, like the most miserable fog.

I better think cheerier thoughts. A radio to play in the kitchen might help me get my work done in there. Think I'll order one online. There! I just made myself feel better.

And . . . thank you all.

Loving vibes and good thoughts! I'm anticipating a depression flare-up in a few weeks. Personally for me, one of the most effective ways to refresh my mood is to spend some time cooking. I adore baking cupcakes. Cupcakes tend to dry out quickly, so I store them in a carrier, you can click here to read more about it. I love keeping them fresh to enjoy later. The physical act of cooking alleviates symptoms of stress and anxiety almost immediately.

I agree that cooking is a wonderful diversion. I love homemade cupcakes.

I love cooking and it often helps but only shortly. When I cook I need to try it and eat it at the end of the day not only my problems come back but also I feel bad because I've eaten too much.

Keep brushing your teeth regularly as well as flossing and rinsing etc You could also contact your dentist and ask for advice regarding tooth ache. Oh radio is a good idea! Play something cheerful. Hang in there.

Yesterday, I did tackle the housekeeping. That got rid of the depression. Today I was very busy. But a lot of heartbreak today. Sadness is different from depression. I felt grief. Painful, but glad not to be so depressed.

((((((((((((( Rose76 ))))))))))))))

I had a bad spell of depression last evening. But I managed to go get Chinese takeout for supper for my s.o. and me. The kitchen was too much of a mess for me to cook in. Today was a bad day. I did n o t h I n g.

My s.o. lives in his own world. He either sleeps or stares at the TV. And he's quite content. He talks to me once in a while - like, to say, "What's there to eat?" or "Could you change the channel? Put something else on." or "Could you take me to the bathroom?" or "Could you get me some water?" Finally, after supper, it's "Well, I'm ready to go to sleep." It feels like I'm just here to render one service after another. I've been doing this for 6 years. At times I get depressed. Then I get over it and keep going. I've done pretty good. Now I'm demoralized. I'm not caring about anything. I'm neglecting everything. I feel like I have nothing left in my heart.

!!! "Everything" except for everything you mentioned in the paragraph up to that point. I'd be running on empty.

I may have to give up this role. He may have to go to a nursing home. Now would be a heck of a time to arrange that. I don't want him to die from COVID 19. However, this crisis may wind down. He's gotten a lot out of me. He never was big on being appreciative. Maybe I've done as much as I'm able to do.

I had this vision of him slipping away peacefully at home, with me gently tending to him. That was like a screenplay I wrote in my head. Life conforms to no one's imagined screenplay. It wasn't ever a very good relationship. It's not now. I'm very miserable, which may not even be due to what I'm doing here. Maybe that's just how I'm always going to feel . . . recurrently. I'm not always miserable. I have good intervals . . . just not lasting long recently.

If he has to go to a nursing home then he has to go to one. You have fought a good fight and taken care of him for how long? I couldn't do what you have been doing. Whether you feel like it or not you have to be one of the strongest people I know.

How are you doing today?

I improved a lot yesterday . . . after my PCP allowed me to refill my Vicodin ahead of schedule. Plus my pdoc ordered me a refill on Ritalin - which I'ld been out of. Taking them made quite a difference.

Thanks, Raindrop. Yes, I have hung in here for quite a good while. He would have gone to a facility by 2014, if not sooner (2012), were it not for me. That's a big hunk of my life. His daughter who's way far from us, told me yesterday to seriously consider the n. home option.

Today I feel so good. But I have to see if I can sustain that. My right arm is bad this a.m. He's been demanding since 2:30 a.m. to be gotten out of bed. I did just get him up @ 6:30 a.m. Now I go back to bed.

My bf is in the hospital with pneumonia since last evening. His oxygen level went too low and he was going into delirium. Because of COVID, I can't go visit him. They tested him and he was negative for that. At the VA he gets good care. They even have a sitter with him because of his confusion.

I feel strange here alone. I'm glad of a rest though.

Since you can't visit can you use this time to take some me time? Just focus on relaxing and unwinding if you can. Maybe this break will let you recharge your batteries Please let us know how you are doing without him being there.

Thanks, Rain. After he was taken away late Thurs eve, I started catching up on rest. Today (Sat) was the beginning of me not feeling awful tired. I went to Home Depot to pick up a new shower chair I had ordered. At "curbside pick-up" a young guy put it in the back seat of my car for me. I pulled away and started crying, wondering if I'll ever get to use it.

I an awfully glad he's at the VA getting what I believe is very good care. They have a sitter constantly with him because he's confused. I did talk to him on tbe phone today. He sounded pretty good. Still kind of confused.

It feels empty in the apartment now alone. But it is soooo good to get off the hampster wheel for a break. My right arm is still very sore. But I want to get the kitchen cleaned.

Me time is a good idea. After the kitchen, I want to shower and then get cozy. I'll have some soup. I'll put a warm heating pad on my arm and look for a movie. I'll tell mysekf to just relax.

It means a lot that someone posted this advice above. I had been sitting here crying. But now I'll try to be nice to myself. One of my sisters has been phoning and being a very good friend. I live far from family.

I hope the hospital doesn't call me to come get him tomorrow. I'm not ready. I can't handle it tomorrow. The newest thing is that he can't stand. We have a "lift," but we've not used it yet.

Well . . . kitchen . . . then, take care of me and my arm.

Thank you, friends, for checking in. I've been close to a breakdown. COVID has messed up my options very badly. Like the rest if the world, I just have to do the best I can. Good night all.

My bf is still in the hospital. No doctor has talked to me recently. I expect they will tomorrow.

My arm is too sore to allow me to clean the apartment. Sink is full of dishes. I feel useless. Like I've given up trying to take care of any thing.

Wow. I started this thread in March of last year - over 13 months ago. Well, I did make it thru another year. So did my guy, with me caring for him.

Ritalin is still proving helpful. I went off it for months. I guess for part of the past year I didn't feel too bad. But now I need it. I'm finding that 40 mg works better than 20 mg. I want to ask pdoc to up my supply. But I'm scared I'll get labeled as drug seeking. About 8 yrs ago a pdoc offered me 60 mg a day. But the older I get, the more I figure they won't want me on these drugs. But stimulants are even used for elderly, dying patients. I need help to function. I need drug help. Once I get up and functioning, I'll improve. Maybe I will call for a phone appt tomorrow.

Hydrocodone and Ritalin combined helps me a lot. My arm hurts less and I get up doing the housework. Then I feel way better. Today I did nothing.

And I need more hydrocodone for my arm. Afraid to ask for too much.

Sometimes you just have to let the dishes soak and try again later. I'm sorry your arm is so sore. Is it a strain or could you have done something more significant to it? You may have to have it looked a to make sure it's not something serious like the rotator cuff.

I know it's not a permanent solution and not environmentally conscious but sometimes ya gotta do what's best for you so have you thought about paper plates, cups and disposable silverware? Cut down on dishes as much as possible so you have less to do and more time for your arm to heal. Maybe look at meals that are just a one pot meal like soups and things so you have less cleanup from cooking.

Also remember little steps can equal a long journey. Even if you just manage to tidy a little as you walk around it all adds up sooner or later. My mom has trashed my car(I'm sharing with her) so every time I'm going to walk past a trashcan I grab SOMETHING out of the car even if it's just one little old napkin. Slowly the crap pile in the car is going down but I've accepted that it's a fight I'm not going to win overnight because she will continually add to it day after day. But as long as I'm making my "tiny steps" every time I walk past a trashcan I'm putting a dent in it

Remember above all else be gentle with yourself. YOU deserve just as good care as you give everyone else.

Thanks Rain. We think a lot alike. I have every size and shape of paper and plastic disposable u can imagine. I kind of did that for the home attendants. Then for me. I buy in bulk at Sam's. Disposable plates, drinking cups. I buy plastic forks in a box containing 600. But you have to dirty a pot once in a while. Truth is that I get real lazy when I'm depressed. I will start buying more TV dinners.

I do have to get rid of the all or nothing mentality. Like you say - incremental progress.

The arm is from just too much repetitive stress. I'm no muscular, but I've been doing a lot of lifting, with moving my guy around. Kitchen work stresses my upper arm. This has gone on for months. I never rested it properly because I couldn't stop doing the stuff that was aggravating it. I went to my PCP.

Pain tells you to stop using a body part. I take pain pills to blunt the pain, so I can keep doing the very thing I should stop doing. I'm prone to inflammation where muscle attaches to bones, tendonitis. Indocin is wonderful for me, but it has side effects.

Now I'm home alone. I can finally rest my sore parts. That's what I did today. Maybe that wasn't such a bad way to spend the day.

I think tomorrow I'll buy a radio for the kitchen. Then it won't seem so bad being in there.

I'm depressed. Depression isn't a character flaw, but character affects how well one manages depression. Right now my character weaknesses are running the show. I just don't care.

My love is in the hospital. I can't even be there with him. He's doing better. Tomorrow they will probably want me to take him home. I can't. It has be one too much for me. I can't keep up what I've been doing. It's even gotten to where the care I give him is becoming negligent. So I'll tell some doctor on the phone that I can't come get him. Then a social worker will call. She'll offer to find him a bed in a nursing home. I'll tell her to go ahead.

So I'll send my love to a crappy dump with Corona running wild through the nursing homes. How can I do this. I'll do it because I'm tired and burned out. I'ld rather be dead than do this to him. But I can't find the wherewithal to bring him home. Why did he have to outlive my strength?

If I find some help, I risk bringing the virus into the apt. I'm very afraid of getting COVID. So is he. And he hasn't been too nice to me lately.

It's this epidemic. It took away the bit of help I had. It makes the nursing homes like leper islands. He's dying. The little time we had left has to be ruined. How rotten does life have to get? This is all so mean and cruel.

How are you holding up today? Did they try to send him home?