Depression, Anxiety and Anger

I am so angry at censorship and Autocratic behavior and the belligerence of a-holes. I have been taking anti-depressive medication (started out with Prozac and Cymbalta) and ADD-medication (Strattera and Concerta) and am now taking Paxil, Buspar, and Strattera.
I am in psychotherapy and have been since I was 8. I do not feel any of this helps, because you cant get rid of Rednecks, Anti-Semites, and Apologists (esp. Jewish Apologists) and drug users, abusers, wife beaters, Adulterers, etc.

I feel no one cares about me, except a >>few<< brave and >>kind<< souls, when I need to talk, unless I pay them first or unless I start cussing and go into a temper-tantrum. Sometimes I want to respond with a religious, political or antisocial epithet. Only by the grace of a beneficent G-d do I manage to restrain myself.

Some times it is an ignorant remark or driver or human rudeness that sets me off.

The usual unkind remark is you are weird, an idiot, stupid, derelict. My response is well at least I don't have a gun, knife, don't do illegal drugs, don't drink except on Jewish Holidays and the Sabbath, don't smoke, am not homosexual, am not a killer,am not a pimp or solicitor of prostitution, don't tattoo my G-d given body, am not a pedophile, etc. Why can't people reason with that and try to talk to me like a person.

Is violence and anger the only social responses this world responds to? It is easy to hurl anger at an Omaha mall-like incident than it is to befriend someone who needs kindness, or to act like a bully and push someone or hurt someone who needs help, rebuke respectful language, like Sir or Ma'am, etc.

I hate living in Frederick, MD, where although the Rabbi of the non-denominational synagogue is kind, where Jewish life is 'nil or antipathetic towards Orthodoxy.

Waiting for a kind, but helpful reply -- not censorship or rebuke or Anti-Semitic remark from those who worship according to the Gospel of Hate, including my fellow Jews.

Moishe in Amber Meadows.

in all the old western movies, it was the guy who lost his temper and couldnt shoot straight that lost the shootout..

there is a lot of frustration in your words and this is such a better way to express than some of my old habits...

you are looking for connections... in my depression there is a veneer over the world i see... a layer of disconnection... whether it is the depression or myself which lies... i believe the idea of disconnection is a lie...

has your community maxxed out on space rent? start a group of your own? i dont know about these things well, but reaching out is a good start... i hope someone will have better ideas...

Moise, can you get closer to Baltimore or down 270 to Potomac or somewhere which has more choices in synagogues? I agree, Frederick doesn't have much to choose from.

Thanks for your kind reply.

I am somewhat happily married (My wife is wonderful, 90% of the time), have 2 smart stepsons, a yummy foster kid, 8 cats, a dog, and a hamster. The 10 per cent of my marital issues or adversities are brought on by my anger, frustration or failure to take my meds (like today). My wife isn't perfect, but she is my rock, the best thing that's ever happened to me. I hate it when I embarrass her or act immature. I just wish i could act in a manner that endears me to strangers or people outside my inner circle.

I hate being related to as the guy who's smart and has so much potential, but in reality a dork and relegated to the arena of social/intellectual outcast.

Mark - Moishe

yeah... anyone would hate that i think... i used to call myself a lot of different things and i guess i acted out those tapes in real life too..

but it is my perception of myself which has influenced the outcomes in my life most i think ...

you know youre a good guy.. its hard when you feel isolated... hoped Perna's idea helped you too...

Potomac and Baltimore will have to wait. My wife used to live in Potomac and i have a special place in my heart for Silver Spring and Potomac, Chabad in Potomac, SE Hebrew Congregation or Young israel.

Frederick's Beth Sholom Congregation's Rabbi is Orthodox and a Mensch of the highest order. Unfortunately some in that shul prefer more liberal Judaism and have asked him toi leave (after 50 years as Rabbi of the Congregation).

Were it not for the cost of real estate, I would move back.

I'd get you a stuffed animal, probably a dog. You could keep it on your desk(s) and think of it when you got angry and frustrated and give it a mental kick :-) I worked with a woman, I was part-time and it was fun for me because I was older and didn't have to work. But everytime she had to go in to see her boss (the executive vice president/co-owner of the company) and get chewed out, she'd come back to our room and yell at me. Didn't matter that it didn't have anything to do with me, she'd find something to criticize but I could see what was going on and am generally laid back and looking for humor anyway so I actually offered myself up as "dog" and told her not to feel bad when she got unhappy to come and be unhappy with me (instead of her kids or actual dogs). Maybe you can come up with a symbol that will grab your eye when you're starting to get embarrassing or immature or whatever you wish later you didn't do and head it off at the pass.

I like to laugh and find amusement with what goes wrong for me and how I catch myself. The other day I was cursing the driver in front of me for going so slowly but thought of "The Universe" and its opinion on such things (how can one know why the car in front is going slow and if it were one's parents or other loved one would we want others yelling at them? What if it was me and I was lost/looking for street numbers/directions, etc.?) but anyway I thought of how it probably would be a good idea if I slowed down myself and weren't so impatient and the car immediately slowed down even further. That got me laughing, "ask for" patience and you'll get something to really be patient about. :-)

Bluethunder - way to post! I admire your clarity; I like the way you spill it. I'm really glad you're here and look forward to getting to know you.

Oh, and I'm sorry that you're suffering. Hang in there.

All:

Thanks for the reply. I think there are some wonderful suggestions here. As I have calmed down now, I think I can contemplate and reflect on the behavior I exhibited earlier this evening.

I think the onset of emotions and intensity were fast and furious. It was as if my emotions and reactions to others and situations (stimuli) were instantaneous and off the chart. It was as if I was striving to generate a record level of intensity and was trying to provoke a similar response from others to get them to realize that how they treat others must be as important as how they react to me. i think the code word was baiting and the desired effect was to provoke a change in their behavior. I think my behavior was unfair and may have had the opposite effect, esp. with those with whom I have never interacted.

I wanted to provoke change of behavior without harm or perilous effect. I am not so sure now that this behavior isn't perilous or harmful in its own right. i have no intention of doing harm to myself or others (although i may have libeled or besmerched the good citizens of Frederick who were within shouting distance).

It depresses me, when I am creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can never have a meaningful encounter with others after I rant and rave. Would you want a relationship with an angry person?

Have a good and restful evening, Mark (Moishe).

Doh:

BTW, I am an animal lover. I have my own zoo here at home. When I am having a rotten emotional day, my cats, dogs, hamsters, and sugar gliders were a comfort to me.

I hope you'll upload some pictures of your animals in the photos section. I just put one of some little guys I miraculously got to see.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/galle...php?photo=6196

I like what you said about intensity. Sometimes we just want someone to match our state. I can sometimes accomplish that at a beach where the waves crash on the rocks. Psychcentral is the best place to vent. People once told me I could even insult them and they'd still love me.

p.s. What's a sugar glider?