depression, ptsd anxiety,anger

How's that for a subject line? I have been in a deep depression and am on new meds. However, I went through a period of uncontrollable anger/rage inside and now that it has passed I feel that it was fear, excrutiating fear from old and new life events grabbing hold and that the anger was just one of the ways I learned to isolate and protect. Does this ring a bell for anyone? It's like I have parts of me that are supposed to protect, and the rage was protecting me from the disabling horrible fear. Also, my depressions always present with more anxiety and closing off from the world. Just wonder what others think.

Hello wisewoman, and welcome to the forums here.

I think a lot of people have the same feelings you do. My depression is often accompanied by a lot of anxiety, sometimes bad enough that I can't sleep or concentrate on anything. Not really the things you are describing though.

It seems to be a quiet weekend here, after the holiday I expect you'll see some more activity, maybe sooner. This is a great place with lots of caring people.

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--http://www.idexter.com

Welcome to the forums wisewoman. I think I can relate to what you say and I look forward to talking to you more. There are a lot of great people here. If you feel like chatting, there is often someone in the chatroom.

Take care,
Fuzzy

Hello Wise Woman,
Just wanted to say welcome to the forum and thank you for your insight!!!
I have found that with Stress and Anxiety comes Depression!!! The walls we build to protect ourselves are strange and stronger than any we could ever build by hand...
Take Care troubled1

Hey, nice subject line -- you described my "issues" too. :-)

I'm on the other end of the rage spectrum, however. PTSD can also cause *inhibited* anger, which is where I find myself -- I don't get angry, at anyone, for anything, unless it's at myself for not living up to my expectations. I so desperately need to get it out that one morning, after a therapy session discussing anger the night before, I woke up to find myself punching my pillow and screaming "F*** YOU!" over and over. Time to let it go, wouldn't you say? :-)

Depression and anxiety go hand in hand, IMHO. I've never known anyone, self included, who had one without having the other. My anxiety levels seem to wax and wane, but depression is forever, unfortunately, even when I'm properly medicated. I was hospitalized for a week in mid-Feb. and have been doing OK since then, although in the last couple weeks I've seen the physical symptoms start creeping back in. Do you ever feel like there's no escape??

Glad you found the boards!

Candy

<i>There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers</i>

Yes, I often feel that way. I am trying to be hopeful. The anxiety is too much right now. What are your physical symptoms of depression? I am still having some trouble seeing things clearly and having energy. It's hard to focus. Interesting about the anger thing. I have been having such a rage. Can we trade? Actually the rage is taming now that I am recognizing the anxiety. it's just been hard. I feel like I am fighting old and new demons and stepped on a land mine. I am glad you were punching your pillow and not someone else. I have woken up with dreams where I have yelled and smacked my husband. At least he has a sense of humor. Anyway, thanks for your support.

Lack of focus/inability to concentrate is a biggie for me. Zero appetite, wanting to isolate instead of socialize, waking up frequently throughout the night, lower than normal energy are the things I'm experiencing right now.

You're lucky you're married and have an understanding husband. I try to be upfront with potential partners, which usually ends up getting me rejected because they don't want to deal with it. (Just happened tonight.) Oh well. I like cats better than people most of the time anyway :-). And since all my meds wreck my libido, I don't really miss sex, so what do I need somebody else for anyway! :-)

Candy

<i>There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers</i>

Everything you are saying makes perfect sense. I've been there and done that.

Once you start dealing an healing from PTSD and working out things in your life that is causing this and anger your depression will lift.

Takes time, and alot of postive thinking...

Hope you are doing better.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

I feel like it's two steps forward, one and one half back. Hubby tries to understand but he also gets angry and overwhelmed. I have never been this paralysed. I am exhausted. Giving myself permission to be absolutely lazy and sleep and do nothing I don't have to. There has been too much in my life to deal with. Anyway, thanks everyone for your support.

It is ok to take a step back when dealing with this stuff .... I do that, you can't force yourself to keep leaping, you can get overwhelmed that way, little steps at a time. If you take a step back, that's all good as long as you don't keep taking those steps backwards.

As for your hubby not understanding, it's hard for anyone to undstand anxiety, depression and ptsd. How can someone understand if they themselves have never gone through it.

I deal with anxiety, depression and ptsd as well, and my boyfriend doesn't really understand .... Why don't you try to explain it to him? Let him get a better understanding why certain things happen?

I have done that, and my bf is getting a better understanding of it, maybe not to the extent that I want him too.


<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Today I saw my g.p and she said to keep the meds as they are for now and see her in two weeks, She also stated that I have to learn to find the ideas that I have that have kept me in this place and find something to replace it with. For example, she said that I should learn to tell myself something different for the belief that I have had that was a grown up I would have power and stop bad things from happening. Or, if I can function well enough, handle everything well enough, be good enough, indespensible enough that I will be safe and bad things won't happen. She wants me to go to this place called the Options Institute in Mass. Does anyone remember Barry Kaufman, the author of sonrise. I looked at the catlog and I can't figure out if it's a big punch of programming, cult stuff or what. If things were only so simple. So If I could change the thoughts I would, am trying. Pretty loaded stuff. Of course this place cost mega bucks. Couldn't do it if I wanted to. I want to change the way I think so I will not always feel so frightened. Obviously the being perfect thing ain't working for me. Bad stuff still happens and I am still scared. Okay, enough rambling.

I think just for the simple fact that you are saying that you will not suffer, you will get on with your life, you will beat this is very postive, on your low nights why don't you write something postive down, even if you don't truely believe it, getting it out on paper works, I have done that, and whenever I feel myself sliding I look at it. It keeps the spirits up. I think you already have a really good attitude about this, you will be fine, there is light at the end of your tunnle.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Hi. I'm not connecting too well tonight but here's a try when your T says to replace you ideas of when you are grown up you will stop bad things from happening... why? I mean why is she not happy with that?

Are you an adult? If you are, then you know that's true, we can keep ourselves safe in many many regards, especially when compared to as being a child. If you are young, then waiting till you are grown up to fix things, that wouldn't be any good for you now.

just thinking.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

I am very much a grown up and gray. I always thought that when I was a grown up I would have power and be able to stop bad things from happening. It's not true, bad things still happen. My daughter was molested, developed ocd, my foster daughter died, my son got cancer, mental illness. My spouse and have legal troubles, my kid was harrassed and beat up at school. Kept trying to be good enough too, perfect enough. Indespensible with my job, too good at it. Good, calm reassuring etc. None of these things have made me safe. Still scrutinized constantly with my work, still make mistakes, still vulnerable. Never take time to care for me. Long story but here I am and I can't get out of be today. Feel like I've been run over by a truck.

Oh yes, I see, where you are viewing this from now...

no, just because we become adults, older, wiser? doesn't mean we can become God. We cannot rule the world or cause only good things to happen in life.

Yes, from your perspective, I see what you mean.

I'm sorry you have had such troubles.

When we are adults, though, we do NOT have to succumb to the whim and rule of others over us. There is a different price to pay, but it doesn't have to be our wellbeing. When a child, we didn't even know for sure what was right or wrong, and thus relied upon all-too-often adults who were so wrapped up in their own problems and ills, didn't teach us correctly.

When we are adults, we can read and think for ourselves. We have choices. We do. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what life is doing TO us, we forget we can DO something about it.

When we are adults we can say NO. We can also say yes. We can reason things out usually, and realize that the "way life treats us" isn't personal. Bad things happen. (I have my own perspective about why.)

When we were children, we just knew bad things happened! As adults we can find the real reason why, make the best of it, even prevent much of it from affecting us...

But control it? No. No on the outside. But when we are adults, we can learn to control life on the inside. We can be at peace with what happens in life. We can decide to allow it to change us, or not...and if that change is good or bad.

I don't say any of this to put you down or blame you for feeling the way you might. Shoot, anyone who's been here awhile knows I struggle along side you. I, too, as a child, always knew things would be different when I was a grown up. I'm still learning how different I can make them.

The philosopher in me caused this post... and I approve. heheheh

Hope you feel better soon.


<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

Sky

Another well worded post that exactly agrees with my chain of thought and "personal philosophy" of life.

I am curious if you ever saw the PBS series "Joseph Campbell and the Power of Myth" as he promotes much the same philosophy. I find the series very uplifting when I am down. Your mileage may vary .

I am currently reading his book (still) "Hero with a Thousand Faces".

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--http://www.idexter.com

Thanks Dex! Sometimes I get on a roll....

Yes I'm familiar with Campbell... and you can utilize a lot of what he says... but there's always poison in the pot when he speaks... he was so totally without God... he made his own.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

I guess this is exactly whaT I am getting at. As an adult now I may chose how to embrace or not what goes on in my life, and I get to make choices about who I will be and if I see challenges as defeats, abuse, trauma, or opportunities. The way that I reformulate my ideas gives me power. The ptsd makes it more difficult but not unmanageable. I can do this. I can notice the fear move and change and tell it that my life is fairly safe now. I can choose to celebrate that my youngest is an incredibly briught, talented, moral expression of humanity and she has grown with her ocd and trauma. I can choose to celebrate that my son has been cancer free for 3 1/2 years now, I can be thankful for the grace of my foster daughter's 12 years with us. I can know that I will continue to grow in my ability to care for myself and in turn for others. One step at a time. It's hard to make giant steps.

>> One step at a time. It's hard to make giant steps.

That's the way to do it... You are right that change like this is a process and I actually look at it as part of the process of living just as much as all the events that play on us are.

Personally I think the best idea is to keep reinforcing those ideas whenever you can. Clearly you understand the challenges and it sounds like you also have a strong foothold in "controlling" those things that you DO have power over. As you reinforce them they will become more and more "natural" to your way of thinking.

Sometimes reinforcement can be just reminding yourself of the good things when the bad ones become overwhelming... if it helps you can write things like you have written here on a piece of paper and carry it around with you. I think it is also wonderful to talk about those wonderful things here... your son's health sounds like a real triumph for him and for you also, something you really deserve to be happy about, as if the pride you have in your daughter.

It certainly brightens me up to hear you talking about them in such positive terms. It sounds like you have really raised them well in that regard, so I do believe you have the power within you to make the changes so that you can live comfortably too.

I know it is very difficult but that's what support is for... we're here to help and support and so are people in your life.

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--http://www.idexter.com

Thanks a bunch for your support. A baby step daily. I think there are times when it's more difficult then others. I really want to take care of the depression too. meds may be slowly working and I am trying to say good things to myself. I went to an older woman's house tonight to set up her new Dell desktop. It is a lot of work to unpackage all of that and flatten the cartons and configure email; etc. I took the ancient IBM I had given her and will configure it for a yonger woman with a developmental disablility I know who has wrecked three computers I have given her. So that was my voyage out today. I am pooped but it's cool to see her with her new toy at 83 and being amazed about the speed compared to the IBM. I like your idea Dexter of writing the things down in my poket that are positive. I think it's important. Thanks