Dark Days

So glad you found work and are feeling better! I am feeling more at peace with myself--the best way to describe it is that I am more comfortable with being myself. Work has been slow for me (lately, I am just teaching about 2 one-half hour ESL classes a week online--something I enjoy)--but I have a one month online work project (I usually choose to work about 25 hours a week on these) that starts in mid April. So I am looking forward to having more work too! Thanks for thinking of me! Have a great week!

I'm not doing well. I'm upset over an incident that took place 2 days ago. I can't shake it. I spoke on the phone to a rude receptionist at my doctor's office. She said horrible things to me and treated me like I was a low life cause I had canceled some appointments. That doctor refuses to treat me now. I tried to explain that I canceled out of fear of getting Covid. She just reminded me that I made the appointments. I don't understand what's so wrong. I canceled them days in advance. I can't get over the harsh judgment. I feel like a degenerate. I can't focus. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I'm ruminating and I'm depressed. My therapist isn't any help. She just says do your stuff. I've tried. I keep thinking that I'm worthless.

I'm feeling somewhat better today. I think I'm over the incident. I'm trying to do the best I can. Tomorrow, I'm getting the vaccine. It's an appointment, which means I have to leave my house. But I think I can do it. I'm rehearsing the event in my mind. I will have to leave a little early to get gas, but I think it's okay. The gas station and the pharmacy are right next to one another, and both are just down the street. I think it will be easier than most of my appointments. I'm nervous about walking into a pharmacy. I haven't been inside a store in a couple of years. I guess it's like going to a doctor's appointment. I do those all the time. It will be good to get my vaccine.

I'm struggling. I don't know what to do with myself and my projects don't seem that appealing anymore. I feel sad. One of the things I learned from DBT was to distract myself when I felt bad. But nothing I normally do seems like it will help. I think of those things and feel awful. If I get a bad feeling thinking about them, then how will they distract from the pain I'm already feeling? That incident with the receptionist burst my bubble. I still haven't recovered. I think that is part of the reason I don't find my usual activities rewarding anymore. I feel doomed.

Delia, this sounds like my life, except I have two rescue pups. They're the only reason I'm still here. Unfortunately, I don't have much advice because I'm feeling just like you. But I wanted you to know that someone else feels the same. I don't know if that helps, but maybe sharing misery can somehow make it a little less painful. For both of us.

Delia, the more I read of this thread and your story the more I relate to how you feel. I wish you a little extra comfort today.

Hi! Yes, thank you! It's helpful to know that I'm not alone. That's great that you have a couple of rescue dogs. Before my cats, I had a little Westie. He was a rescue dog too. They do give us meaning. Animals are precious souls.

Thank you! I am feeling better this evening. I've been practicing mindfulness. I feel more hopeful. I wish you the best too.

Things got pretty bad for me this morning. My depression was an 8 with 10 being an ER visit. I don't know why I have to get so upset. I just felt exhausted, overwhelmed and useless. But I picked one task and completed it. It was a difficult one too. It took me about 30 minutes. I took a lot of breaks because of my back, but I got it done. I'm so glad I did it. I feel much better. It was something for my cats. I guess I'm a good cat mom today.

Today was a bad day too. I received some terrible news this morning and it affected me all day. I did nothing productive. I ruminated all day. In the afternoon I tried to distract myself with a game. It helped for a little bit. Once I was done, my inner critic started up again. My online therapist suggested that I journal. It was a nightmare of an experience. All I did was list 101 ways to call myself hateful things. That was all I could come up with. Tonight is not much better. I need sleep, but for some reason, I'm unable to get rest.

Today is difficult, but it's not as bad as some of my days. I've been using REST and lower my expectations. Family really disappointed me today. I had something wonderful happen. My step-mom was happy for me. So that was good. And my friends are happy for me. But my mom and two sisters don't care. They didn't give me the time of day. My uncle completely ignored me. I feel hurt. But I am not surprised. This is how they are. It hurts. I see people on TV celebrate events like this with family. My family just didn't care.

Tonight is very difficult. I'm struggling to take a shower. I really want one. I'm just anxious about it. I'm always anxious about it. I've been trying exposure therapy where I start off with my thoughts. Thinking about it is terrible. Online therapy is hard. We're supposed to be working on this but we're not. I guess it's my fault. I guess I have to bring it up. But I already have a lot going on. I'm angry at myself. I'm already doing exposure therapy on trying to leave the house. I'm supposed to sit on the patio every day. These past two days, I didn't do it. These last couple of days have been hard. I hate that I have a human body. I hate my body.

I've focused on chores today. It's noon and I'm already too tired to continue. I've taken plenty of breaks, but the back pain just gets worse and worse. The only thing that will fix it is for me to rest in bed for a while. I rest on a heating pad. That helps right away. And my two cats join me. It's comforting to have them there with me. I sleep for a couple of hours and then I'm good to go for the rest of the day. I have two doctors I can see about my back. I will pick one soon and make an appointment. I am waiting until I am fully vaccinated. I get my 2nd shot in two weeks, but it takes a while before you're protected at 95%. Like 2 weeks.

I'm struggling with dark thoughts again. I received some bad news yesterday. I've been ruminating about it all night. I am tired and fed up. I have no one to talk to. No one to call. Nowhere to go for help. No one cares. My mom doesn't care. I can't call her. The last time I felt this bad, I just wanted to talk to one of my sisters. My sister C refused to talk to me even after I told her what was going on. She told me to call a hotline. I don't feel comfortable calling those numbers. No one takes the time to listen to you. And even once you're in a hospital, still, no one listens.

I ended up calling the hotline yesterday. I was scared but I didn't know what else to do. It was a big help. I felt so much better being able to talk to someone. The guy on the line listened to me. But most of the day I was depressed. I ruminated all day in the dark. I slept a lot too. I don't feel much better today. I'm very sad. I've lost hope. I have nothing to look forward to. I guess I have sleep to look forward to. That's the only time I have peace. I get to rest in bed with my cats. That's the only joy I have in my life. I'm pretty useless and there's nothing else going on for me. I'm just a waste of space.

My family is being hateful to me again. I was in a good mood today and so I texted my mother. I asked her how she was doing. She said one word, "Ok." She said nothing else to me. Didn't even ask how I was. It makes me feel like I'm bothering her. I will stay away from her. I don't need her rudeness in my life. My sister J isn't much better. She pretty much did the same thing to me. I'm tired of caring about them and them not asking about me. I don't do that to people. Why are they so rude? I'm furious with them.

I'm going through a med change. I'm coming off one AD and starting a new one. This is week 2. Today was really difficult. I'm very irritable. My NP said Effexor withdrawals could include irritability. She said if that happens, take an extra Effexor for that day. I tried that and then took a nap. I feel a lot calmer. I will try to relax tonight. I hope tomorrow is better for me. I'm supposed to stop Effexor this coming Friday. I've been really annoyed with my therapist. I've been arguing with her. I just feel like picking a fight. Plus I think it is negative transference.

I understand how you feel because I feel like this all the time myself. You are not alone

It's good to know I'm not alone. I'm sorry you struggle too.

Tomorrow makes 2 weeks that I've been on Luvox. And I stop my Effexor. I do feel a difference. I don't have as many dark days. Sometimes I get down, but if I stay busy and use REST, I feel fine. So I think this med change was a good thing. Coming off the Effexor was the hardest part. But I only really had 1 bad day.

I'm grieving and I'm going through another med change. The Luvox was causing significant bruising. And today I found out that my sister J has stage 4 ovarian cancer. Things don't look good. My mom gave me the update. My sister J won't talk to me. She's been in and out of the hospital for a couple of weeks, not once letting me know what's going on. I feel like I lost my sister already. Why do people have to be so insensitive? I feel bad for her because it's her life. But to think I don't care and don't deserve an update is really hateful.

Edit: I feel sad and lonely.

I'm sorry for you and your sister.
I hate it when families don't talk freely. And when families are like this I know it can get even weirder when someone gets very ill. You are right, someone or something is not right when they are not updating you about your own sister. Hang in there Deila.

Thank you! My sister J finally sent me a text message. She said she will know more by Tuesday. And if I had questions. let her know then. I feel more hopeful for her. I was so afraid that I had already lost my sister. I'm still in shock. I've turned back to addictive behaviors to cope. I just want to feel numb. I talk to my therapist tomorrow.

I collaborated with a female vocalist on one of my EDM songs. And then I had it professionally mastered for industry standards. I was excited. I still am. I created a music video for it and then shared it with my family. My sisters were happy for me. They liked it. My mom criticized it. She never said one positive thing or congratulations or anything. It hurts. This is the best work of my music career. It's a dream come true. And my mom had to **** all over it. It's typical of her. I refuse to share anything else with my mother. I won't even share with my step-mom. The last EDM song I tried to share she told me it was weird. It's dance music. That's not weird. It's joyful. I think the female artist did a wonderful job. And the mixing is perfect. My mom can go get lost in her bottle of wine for all I care.

I've been really depressed. I'm going through a med change. I finally increase my Cymbalta tomorrow. I hope that helps. It's been awful. I haven't had energy to do things. I forced myself to go to an appointment today. Good news was I wasn't anxious about it. I just didn't want to do it. I canceled all my upcoming appointments. I can't cope with leaving the house. I've been binge-eating I'm so miserable. Today was difficult. I ate three small pies tonight And I had a sandwich. I would keep eating but I am sick to my stomach. I'll just drink coffee. I can't sleep. I'm upset. I have to clean my house. If I clean my house, that means I fixed the awful day I had. I have to fix it. I have to make things right. I would vacuum but it's so late. So I'll vacuum tomorrow. I feel obsessed.