Curbing Negativity?

Is it possible to break free from a negative world view? I feel like I always see the negatives and don't appreciate the positives enough.

I have tried to curb the complaining I do and regularly post in the 'five good things' thread on here. It helps but I still feel stuck. Has anyone found a way to switch from pessimist to optimist?

I’m reading about DBT now, which focuses on learning to be non judgmental instead of negative. It may help you. I just started it. In theory, if I can do it, it has to work.

Something happened this morning that triggered trauma memories (It was from the person who caused the trauma and regarding an issue pertaining to the traumatic subject). I got upset, but thought about the DBT ‘radical acceptance’ idea. I calmed down and then could think about what I can do to make the best outcome, which I did, and all was okay. I hope the relationship improved slightly as a result. It certainly didn’t deteriorate more, which it could have, had I reacted negatively.

i think it is possible but it may be hard to change our own world-view. i agree with the wise and wonderful TishaBuv about trying dbt. It can take time i think and even be difficult perhaps. It may be worth trying though. i believe it is admirable that you want to take on a more positive outlook. If you're struggling with mental illness that may be a bit difficult perhaps but Hopefully not impossible. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @hvert, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

Do you have a favorite intro to DBT? I have tried to read up on it before but have never gotten very far. I'm interested in it but somehow resistant - when I've tried to get into it in the past, I've abandoned the effort because I don't feel like the problems it was designed for are the problems I'm working on. Focusing on being non-judgmental vs. negative does sound good so I need to give it another chance.

I think part of my problem is that I feel like my negative outlook is fact based rather than emotional and that makes it hard to give up - but I am just so tired of it!

I'll give this one a try, but I don't know if I will make any sense. If I don't, then please forgive me. There are many times when I see things in a negative light. I feel that way personally more about myself than at current events. I'm always thinking something bad will happen for me, even when things are well and there's nothing coming up to dread. I've had bad things happen to me in the past, but somehow I got through it. But there are some times when I can see things as great as far as my life goes but that doesn't happen as often as I would like.

Do you watch the news a lot? I don't, except I pick up some information on line and know about things I need to know in the news. Bear in mind that the media only talks about negative things because bad news sells for them. People seem to be more intrigued with bad news than good. My sister watches the news a lot and some Christian programs about The End Times. I notice that she seems depressed and negative a lot. Maybe that's the cause of it, I don't know.

I got the DBT Handbook and have been reading it by myself. I’m not sure about finding a group to do the class yet.

One of the exercises the DBT book says to do is to watch the NEWS without judgment. I think it’s kind of ridiculous that someone could watch a story on the NEWS about an awful tragedy and just be like…whatever. But the purpose of the exercise is to train yourself to not be judgmental which will help with interpersonal relationships and negative thinking.

"Think globally, act locally." Thats what the first eco-nuts used to say. That's before they started setting the oceans on fire and melting the glaciers, but whatever, sure, i will recycle my glass.

Idk, there is always something you can do to help, even if it is just raise an eyebrow. Someone will see it and know you are a kindred spirit. Thats right - i am going beyond the flutter of a butterfly wing.

The news is an interesting one. I stayed away from the news for years but now I am addicted even though I can recognize the emotional manipulation in the headlines that are designed to make us outraged, sad, etc. I would find it very difficult to read the news without judging. Maybe I am reading the news in order to judge?


Radical acceptance seems hard to swallow but maybe I am missing something. Although I have a negative outlook, I often feel like I can make a difference, I can make things better. I am working with some people on a project that's not going well. I reached out to someone to see if we could improve the situation. That seems like a better response to me, even if it didn't work? I don't know, this is just so hard - I want to change but not enough to actually do it. I would rather not notice all the flaws with the group or the project in the first place so I can stop wasting my energy trying to fix stuff and just focus on the good aspects.


I'm also still trying to figure out this thought vs. emotion thing. To me, my negative perceptions seem like thoughts, not feelings. I was in a class and really enjoyed some aspects of it. I did not like the fact there were not enough seats for all the students and that I had to get there an hour early to get a seat. I felt annoyed and angry about this and still feel justified in that. How can you let ten people in a class when you have room for seven? Every week I felt stressed about whether or not I would get there in time to get a seat. I guess with a radical acceptance approach, I would have done those same things but let go of the anger and frustration.


Last year I started to work on controlling road rage and feel like I got to a good place. My thoughts about how other people drive aren't going to change how they drive. We all do dumb things sometimes so I assume good intent. All I can do is be an observant, considerate, safe driver myself. That has worked out pretty well for me but I am not sure how to translate it into other aspects of my life.


Does meditation or yoga work for people? I have dabbled over the years but not stuck with it long enough to see any benefit.

If you have a bias towards being negative, that by definition is not fact based. A bias is used to select facts instead. A bias may be desirable, as you cannot make actual decisions without it - but it may also be undesirable based on what we actually want.

So a very basic principle in CBT* and other therapies is to balance the fact finding, get both the positive and negative of the situation, and correct biases in thinking that way. And of course there are other errors too in thinking that CBT deals with. We do not even always notice when emotion affects our reasoning more than usual - this applies to otherwise very rational types too. It can take practice to notice the moments when unrecognised negative (or even positive) emotion introduces unwelcome bias like this.

*: Yes I said CBT, not DBT. Different approaches and therapies work for different people. For some CBT works better, for some DBT and so on. You don't "have to" use one approach even, you can just pick up what works for you at a given moment in the process you are in on the whole. For you, maybe you would also be interested in checking out REBT (Rational emotive behavior therapy). This is the most rational form of CBT-like approaches that I know of. It also has the idea of "radical acceptance", in a different, more rational form than DBT. (I can't remember what it calls it instead of radical acceptance)






Well there are different forms of radical acceptance like I said.... My version of it I call it "take in the cold, hard reality". Lol. But yeah. Sometimes that's what one has to do.... Acceptance can also be the end phase of processing things. Such as in the well-known 5 or 7 steps of the grieving process, but in other processing too.



Maybe think about over-responsibility too. Just an idea.


"Negative" by definition is emotional valence. Emotions have valence, emotion-free thoughts do not. Emotions have positive and negative valence and yes this is related to introducing bias in thinking.

Try to notice the emotional charge of the negativity and try to sense and recognise the emotion itself as well.



Yes. You had emotions here: dislike, annoyance, anger. Nothing wrong with feeling all that. Yes, it's rather annoying to have to get there early if the facility does not have the resources to provide seats to everyone. Not much to do about that though, as a student. That's the acceptance part though I don't think it's radical acceptance. It's just accepting things "as is" but since it's like regular stress in life it doesn't seem radical to me


Anyway, I don't see anything wrong with feeling the anger and frustration. To me, it's part of life, feeling those. Just keep being aware of emotions and keep them under control in line with your goals.



There are different meditation and yoga techniques and schools, you can check them out, but you may also decide it's just not for you...That was personally my conclusion & decision

I don't know if the DBT book meant to be totally unfeeling and callous about a tragedy.

That has nothing to do with being nonjudgmental IMO

“Exercise: Radical Acceptance
Now, using the coping statements that you checked, begin radically accepting different moments in your life without judging them. Naturally, it will be difficult to accept very painful situations, so start with smaller events. Here are some suggestions. Check () the ones you’re willing to do, and add any of your own ideas. Then use your coping statements to radically accept the situation without being judgmental or critical.
Read a controversial story in the newspaper without being judgmental about what has occurred.
The next time you get caught in heavy traffic, wait without being critical. Watch the world news on television without being critical of what’s happening.
Listen to a news story or a political commentary on the radio without being judgmental.
Review a nonupsetting event that happened in your life many years ago, and use radical acceptance to remember the event without judging it.”

This is what it says in the DBT workbook.

Lol, I can’t even read the DBT book without being critical of it!

Hmm. That to me just sounds like an exercise in not making an inaccurate judgment too quickly of the situation in the news.

My personal opinion though is that as long as you are not hurting anyone, it's fine to be "imperfect" and "judge" the news, unless it's like you are stuck in the negativity all day but that's then its own problem anyway.

And the practicing of making more refined and accurate judgments sounds like a useful exercise. Like solving crosswords, logic questions, and whatever, that kind of exercise. It can certainly help remove you from too much negativity, though I don't think it's going to do magic on its own.



Btw this talks about two types of judgments and only the latter is an issue in DBT: Two Types of Judgments - DBT Center of the South Bay

I simply call the latter one a generalised personal criticism or a generalised overemotional conclusion. It is the result of dysregulated negative emotion.


Edit: found another article. When Judgments Get In Your Way - Personality Disorders

Funnily enough, the "bad" example about spending too much money did not include any generalised criticism of the person. Only of the action, it was just stated in a blunt manner.

I skimmed the DBT book today. It does not speak to me as much as CBT does. I copied a couple of exercises down - there was one about examining your own role in a distressing situation that seemed really good, reviewing what happened, what part you played, what part the other person played, what you could have done differently to reduce suffering.

Also, I am good at closing my eyes and guessing when a minute has passed.

I love this quote from Alive99: "If you have a bias towards being negative, that by definition is not fact based. A bias is used to select facts." So my problem is that I prefer to select negative facts and I want to change that. I want the positive facts to stand out at least as much as the negative thoughts. I don't want to focus on the negative facts or to feel like I am personally responsible for solving these (perceived) problems, communicating these problems, etc.

I will have to read more about valence, I am not familiar with that.

Both DBT and CBT suggest keeping logs of negative thoughts. I'm not sure that's great for me - I know they are there and I don't have the energy to argue with all of them. And maybe that is one place where CBT is a little weak for this particular problem - I'm familiar with the tools that deal with individual negative thoughts or situations, but is there anything that addresses chronic negativity/frustration/annoyance? Maybe I just need to reread some of those books and refresh my memory. I guess the DBT or mindfulness approach is letting these thoughts or emotions in and then letting them go... and maybe I can look up what techniques work to counteract discounting the positive.

One technique is to 'count the positives' and list everything good that's going on. Maybe I will try that.

I agree. Try to look at what is right more than what is wrong. Try to give something negative the benefit of the doubt by coming up with alternate reasons for why it seemed so negative, but possibly was not so negative for some other unknown reason.

I’ve been using the radical acceptance technique. It helped me to not get too upset like I used to. The flood of negative thoughts took me down before. It felt natural to let myself get into this downward spiral of thoughts, which sank me into depression. Honestly, it took this book to tell me to focus on something else and move on. Had I been of this new mindset when I suffered two traumatic episodes which led to fallouts with family, my sufferingcould have been avoided. (But only my suffering, their callous behavior still would have been).

I think our perception of seeing the positives vs. the negatives, in general, also may have to do with our moods to begin with. Sometimes, I get frustrated at my house when I see all the things that need repair. Then sometimes, I see the things at my house that make me happy and I get a feeling of well being. This must be a result of a bad or good baseline mood that I am in that I am not even aware of.

Heh well I'm with you on that but I find it interesting to find DBT principles in other approaches, CBT types of approaches included (like I mentioned it about REBT). It's the same idea, translated into a different approach, so to speak. And yeah, other approaches can speak better to you.



Yes, that is what I call discovering all reactions to all points of a situation, along with examining responsibilities (including what part everyone played) and then after processing the reactions (yours and other people's), you are ready to take responsibility for your own part and find a more constructive solution that does not cause suffering






Same btw



Glad if that helped!



The question is where the chronic negativity comes from. There could be many sources, from overload with stress, neglecting yourself, e.g. over-responsibility, neglecting fun, not taking enough care of yourself physically, not going in a satisfying direction in your life, or it could also be from your emotional environment, bad relationships, some people continually mistreating you in those relationships, and you absorbing their negative attitude towards you or just negative attitudes in general, like if someone likes to vent and offload negative emotions on you a lot. These are just some reasons I thought of, there can be more.



Yes. I find for me the trick with that though is that first I have to know WHAT I am letting go. What is the emotion, and what is that emotion about, and what is the linked thought about. And that can get complex sometimes......But then it works, the letting go, the disengaging, coming back to normal rationality.





For this, to find the positive direction for your general/habitual emotional state, I think there are a few approaches too yes. I liked stuff on how you have to work on negative beliefs towards beliefs that serve you and make you more positive and happy and empowered. And that this may be a gradual process reworking the belief, coming towards the more positive belief that serves you better in the long run. Because it's completely normal at first if you don't feel you can believe the positive belief. Completely normal if you feel whatever positive things don't have a strong effect on you first. It takes time getting used to them, absorbing them more, and changing it all (habitual emotional state).

Yeah sure. I read some people have waves coming "up" emotionally and then "down" emotionally and then it's for processing in the "down" wave I think. Maybe that's your thing here. Or maybe you are just tired when you are annoyed and frustrated like that. Or maybe you had an enjoyable interaction not long ago before you looked at your house and felt good, lol. Etc.

I agree that it seems like there is a baseline mood that sets us up for seeing the good or the bad. It's kind of a chicken or an egg situation. Which came first? The negative bias or the depression or whatever? With CBT and DBT the theory is that if we can change our perception of negative/positive, we can change our mood. Sometimes I wonder. I started doing CBT over 20 years ago and still seem to see negatives more clearly than the positives. Can it really be because I haven't worked hard enough? Is there something chemical or hormonal going on that is not going to be rationalized away?


I do need to dust off those books, I guess. My life would have a lot less suffering if I stopped ruminating on things that are not really in my control. Most of it is just so dumb - like I've spent several hours today thinking about whether or not I want to quit that group that's not going well. I finally decided to ask to switch to a different group and was told no. What do I do now? Quit the group? Escalate my request? Live with the group I have? In the scheme of things, is this group really worth spending this much emotional energy on? Nope. Will I stop? Nope.

Baseline mood...that's in part chemical/genetic/personality makeup too. Even newborn babies have their baseline temperaments. You can still learn to work with yours if it's a pessimistic one by default. It has its advantages too sometimes. Just it's like, keep it inside bounds so it doesn't stop working for you and become something that's too maladaptive. So it's still worth doing CBT or whatever other approaches work for you, and lifestyle changes if needed, normalising of relationships, changing or adjusting some views, etc.




It's not just books that will help.

It does sound maladaptive if you spent several hours on this topic.

As for the last part of your post. To make decisions, getting in touch with emotion always helps. Emotional reactions to all parts of the situation, and then seeing a big picture of those and organising and prioritising the reactions help make a decision.

Maybe give yourself time to feel all the reactions and preferences of yours, relax a bit about it, not think about it all and wait until it comes to you, where you can feel the reactions and are able to make a decision on what you really want.

I mean, if this is what your problem is.... it's just a tip from me.

It's like each day has some kind of crisis, some issue I fixate on. Do I just not have enough to do?


My husband's old college buddy and his wife are coming into town the day my husband leaves for a trip. I listed out all my negative thoughts - there were more than a dozen. I feel pressured to play host in my husband's absence. I worry they are fishing for a place to stay but my house is trashed and I don't want to spend my alone time preparing it for guests. I don't want overnight guests. I have been looking forward to alone time and am heading out of town myself a few days after he does. I have things I need to get done before then.


All of this stuff is just in my mind. The fact is that my husband will not be here when his friend is here. They couldn't be bothered to coordinate their schedules ahead of time. It's not my problem. No one is asking me to do anything.

Why can't I think, oh, it would be nice to see them? It would be kind to show them around and return the favor since they have hosted me. Because I don't feel that way, I feel like I must be a bad person. In the end, I did offer to meet up with them one day because it seemed like the right thing to do.


I don't want to spend so much time thinking about these kinds of things.

Your feelings are your feelings. You don’t really want to be with them. Although you’ve stayed with them, you just feel obligated to return the favor. You can’t force yourself to be someone you aren’t. You can agree to politely host them, which you have done. You are a good person to reciprocate a favor.

It's just that every day there's some stupid thing like that, something I completely overthink and then can't even remember two months later.

You are not alone. I’ve noticed others here feeling this way over life’s little annoyances. It may simply be a symptom of depression? You can work on lessening this habit (Hasn’t it become an involuntary habit?).

For me, it’s not small annoyances at all. I’m quite chill. It’s major issues with a few closest interpersonal relationships. It’s emotions taking me over from these triggers.

You may feel down and irritated by more triggers in general daily activities. I feel severely emotionally reactionary to 90% a trigger from one person. Maybe for me this is not a symptom of depression, but a different disorder.

But a trigger is a trigger. The first line of defense is to avoid the trigger. If not possible, then try to handle reaction to it better.

We all have paradigms formed by our beliefs - both conscious and subconscious. Some of these beliefs are limiting. You may have a proclivity to being a pessimist (me too) but paradigm shifts are possible with some work. You can challenge those beliefs that are not helpful and/or don’t serve you and begin gathering evidence to the contrary and start building new neural pathways. Little by little.

I totally understand where you are coming from.

I think it is possible....

I want it to be possible but it just feels hopeless after so many years.