[Rose76]

Since mid-June, I keep falling into depression. I recently recovered from a bad episode and was doing real well. I had several very good days. But that was all. Then I started slipping, and now I'm down.

So this is a good two months now that I can't maintain being well for more than a short period of maybe a week, if I'm lucky. This is becoming excruciating.

Over the years, I went for every kind of help there is. I was on just about every psych med. There's no point redoing stuff that didn't work before. I tried stuff repeatedly.

I wish I could talk to someone about it. I don't want to bother family. My primary provider never takes me seriously. It's very hard to get referred for counseling in the system I'm in for healthcare. I can't afford to just pay for it privately. I used to do that. I spent plenty on that.

I think of what was said to me in the past. I called a sister one time - years ago. She said, "It sounds like you need professional help, and I'm not a professional." That was the end of that conversation. I called a different sister once, who said, "Use your coping skills." She added, "Go out for dinner, and go shop for a new book." Those calls were years ago. I don't bother them at all about me being depressed. There is so much stigma. People say, "Well, I've got plenty of things I could get depressed about, but I don't let myself." Once someone has told you that, you know it's no good talking with them.

I see no way out of this, except just eventually getting better for a few days, only to lapse back into this.

[Rose76]

I called 988. They told me to call someplace in my community for referrals.

Sometimes whoever you talk to wants to send you to someone else.

I have to just stop this.

[will19]

I'm sorry about this. I don't know what to tell you. I go through those times myself. I'll feel alright for a good while and then it (the depression, that is) just comes back to me. Another person who I knew some time ago told me that's what happens. It's just that you can feel alright after a depressive episode, or whatever, and then it comes back again.

As I may have mentioned earlier, on the Daily Check-Ins, I was feeling pretty good for a while and then some difficulties happened to me at where I live. It seemed like some sort of enemy was attacking me. As of now, I'm over it but I feel guarded. Even when I feel great and there's nothing to worry about, I would feel guarded. Like something's going to happen that will be bad.

I wish I would know someone else just like you. If I did, then it would seem like we could understand and help each other. I have just one friend but he doesn't get it. Best to you, Rose.

[Rose76]

Thank you, @will19.

It is very disappointing when someone who knows you rather well is completely unable to offer some empathy. I think peer to peer support can be most helpful. Sometimes, professionals don't understand either.

[Rose76]

I managed to call one of my sisters. Chatting with her felt good. I didn't whine about being depressed. I didn't keep her on the phone long.

I wish I could have told her how bad I'm feeling. But I wouldn't dare.

If I were to say I badly need some help and then maybe get rejected, it would be hard to even live with that.

[Rose76]

I'm back to not preparing meals for myself. No dinner today. I just ate some dried fruit and milk.

I left dishes in the sink. Kitchen is messy.

[AzulOscuro]

Hi, Rose!
I’m sorry you are having a relapse.
I need to ask you some questions.
You say that you are in the healthcare system, why is so hard to have psychological helped prescribed? It’s not fair that a person who is suffering can’t find this help. This is why taxes are, after all.
Can you explain a little more about it?

So, you gave up completely on meds. You know they aren’t a miracle but there are many new antidepressants now. There might be a new one that could help you. Maybe, if you give it a new try. I don’t know. What do you think? I tell you because you surely must be out of energy just now to try again with therapy and meds helped me just to recover this energy needed to be able to attend to a therapy and talks to a psych.

And finally, after all these years of therapy, did you get a clue about what triggers your depression or it is a biological depression.

Sorry for so many questions. I need to have a clearer picture.

As much as people may have good intentions, it’s not easy to understand what depression is unless you live it. So, I’m not strange with the reactions you get from other people. It happens the same to me. And I guess most of us.

[Rose76]

The cause is from being alone way too much. In the past they told me there's a long waiting list to see a Counselor.

I take an antidepressant - amitriptyline.

[Violetta75]

You need a purpose, a goal. Even a small one. Without a job or a reason to get out of bed, you don't keep to a schedule. What about volunteering? Or having a pet that you have to walk for an hour twice a day. Something that relies on you. And yes, family is the worst in my opinion to go to about depression. I've had that reaction myself. Just snap out of it. Only people who live with depression know what it's like. Is there groups in your area you could join? You need the right kind of company, the right kinds of friends. It's not easy. I've lost a lifetime friend, she just doesn't respond. It hurts, but that's not a friend anymore. I actually am a woman who has more male friends (and I mean friends not hook ups) than women friends. I guess I have one friend who is a woman but even she hasn't responded to one kind text. I wish you the best

[Violetta75]

Just one more thing. Stop worrying so much about the mess. Messes never go away. There's always dishes to do. Keep your bedroom clean and tidy, that's about it. You'll get there with the rest but if you constantly focus on the problems in the house, you won't get out and enjoy something.

[divine1966]

I think it’s not as much stigma as people just don’t know what to say. They might advise you to see a professional not because of malicious intent, but because they don’t know what to say that’s helpful. It might be perceived as unhelpful or even be harmful if people say the wrong thing. Regular folks aren’t trained in this.

Personally I am a practical person and usually offer practical suggestions. If a person isn’t taking me up on those suggestions and don’t use any of it, it’s a sign that my ideas aren’t helpful. I’d not continue making suggestions as it does not help. My next step would be to suggest they see a professional. What else would I say? Saying “I am sorry you are depressed” is kind of condescending and say “you’ll be fine” is just dismissive.

I know a lot of people with mental health issues. Friends, family, coworkers. I don’t see stigma per se as the society is quite open about it. But I don’t really see how regular folks could help much with it on a regular basis. I think most people do their best

If you want people to talk about your depression and don’t want to be alone: Are there any peer support groups since you can’t get therapy? I’ve seen groups through meetup: for anxiety and depression. There are also groups for widows and widowers, which you’d qualify for. But here I am again with practical suggestions

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Rose76

The cause is from being alone way too much. In the past they told me there's a long waiting list to see a Counselor.

I take an antidepressant - amitriptyline.

I understand.
What Violette says makes a lot of sense to me. I mean what she does is also what let me to put depression at bay. It doesn’t mean I have no days low.

I guess your energy is now very low as to even get out of bed. You deserve to have these moments to rest, don’t feel guilty because you are doing the best as you can at the moment. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever feel better. Only you need to restore energy.

I would do the following: As long as you get a little of strength, trace a plan. Few things to do each day and make sure one of this tasks are gonna provide you with some kind of excitement ( meeting someone, visiting a place you still don’t know in the city…) Little by little. Something that makes your level of satisfaction grows.

And mainly, let yourself being low. Notice depression as something is sending you a message. It makes you stop for a reason. Look for this reason.

[Rose76]

Everything above is true.

[Rose76]

I'm not doing anything to make myself useful in this world. That's why I don't mean anything to anyone.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I'm not doing anything to make myself useful in this world. That's why I don't mean anything to anyone.

You were a nurse. Doesn’t get more useful than that.

But if you want to be useful now, you know there are many things you could do.

[Rose76]

Yes. I certainly could find worthwhile things to do. I hoped that my last interval of being ok would be an opportunity to look around and find some opportunity. There must be opportunity out there. But my good spell only lasted a few days. Since the 2nd week of June, these tailspins been coming in quick succession - one right after the other, with just a short string of good days in between. I barely get up on my feet, and the mental tornado comes at me again.

Right now I can't keep from sobbing for long. I make no noise. I long ago learned how to cry hysterically without making any noise. If I let the sound out, neighbors would call the cops. Mountains of tissues from wiping my nose. I can stop for a little while.

Maybe, if I can just get out of the house and walk around. Maybe drive toward some nice scenery.

I have beer and wine and liquor in the kitchen, but I don't even think of having any of that stuff. I never get drunk anymore. Many years ago I would sometimes do that, if I got in a desperate state. Then I'ld be sick as a dog. Then I'ld feel better. It never became a reliable habit. There's no escape for me. What helps is being with others. Right now there is no one.

Three years ago, a month after my bf died, I was hospitalized in a psych facility for a week. I discovered that I was alright as long as I was conversing with others. So I went against my reticent nature and tried to socialize with everyone and anyone. People were very friendly. Staff were talking to me a lot . . . mostly about their problems on the job. Other patients were friendly. I didn't talk much about myself. Nobody wants to hear whining, so I kept a lid on that. That's why I know my problem now is being alone.

If I venture out anywhere, I'll be a stranger. There's no one I can call.

I managed to get from the bedroom to the living room. It took a few attempts before I could stay put in my chair, without wanting to go back to bed. Now, if I can just leave the house.

Usually, I tell myself that I'll get over this because I always do. But to recover just to relapse soon after has me shell shocked. I bought some THC edibles for the first time. They helped me get to sleep last night. My only escape is to be asleep.

I saw a bible group on the calendar at the community center. I would like to try that. I have to make a plan - a schedule of things I'm going to do. If I just could talk about it with someone who could encourage me. I have the expectation that, wherever I go, no one will like me or want to talk to me. So I stay home by myself, where I am losing my mind.

[divine1966]

I thought many of us have been encouraging you all along. Or you mean irl?

[FloatThruThis]

Hi Rose76, I’m sorry you’re struggling. Something that has helped me in the past is attending a support group through the national alliance on mental illness. Link here: Find Your Local NAMI | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness Whatever you do or don’t do, I hope you find something that helps.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I thought many of us have been encouraging you all along. Or you mean irl?

Yes. I come back here because of the encouragement. No amount of social media can take the place of connections IRL.