[Miss_Understood]

For anyone who stays at home and doesn't work: What do you do with your time?

I get up and make sure the kids are awake and ready for school.....then when they are gone, I'll wash some dishes or maybe even do a load of laundry......and then I read and read and read. Kids come home, I tidy up after them......and then I read and read and read. Feed them, get them to bed on time....and then I read and read and read.

What a WASTE of air and space. Good people die every day.....and I still am here.....just existing.....not worth the air I breathe.

I can't work because I'm too scared of people.....which means I can't even volunteer. I have no artistic abilities so I can't do crafts. I have no friends because I'm too scared to open up to people......I can't do that. But I would LOVE to have a friend, I would LOVE to have a career, I would LOVE to have a purpose.

What do you do with your time?

[blackdragon]

Well, u do have friends here... And what to do with ur time, u could drive around town (great time waster) sleep (i wouldnt recoment it though dreams do get addictive), Find a hobby like drawing, painting, puzzles, modle building, or even sculpting.... lots of stuff to do.. and the best part is u dont haft to have artistic abilitys.. if its ur own work and u put alot of time in it, then thats all that matters...

And if ur really bored u can come on line.. im usually on during school hours on the weekends or late at nite, or early morning like in the 6:00 am central usa time..

Just to let u know, i consider u a friend...

[dexter]

Oh my, what a different train of thought I have...

To me, reading is one of the most VALUABLE things a person can do with their time. Reading fiction, reading science, reading scripture, reading magazines... because they all represent the desire to gather knowledge, whether that be technical knowledge or a better understanding of the human condition.

I have been largely unable to read because of my depression. I just can't concentrate.

I have to admit one of the small prejudices that I hold against people is people who seem to proclaim proudly that they don't read. My old boss use to brag that he wasn't curious about anything. To me that is like not being alive.

Reading is fundamental.

Don't worry about the things you can't do. Lots of people don't have obvious talents like being artistic. Lots of people have fears that limit their daily life. As depressed people, these often hit us in combination and leave us with very little hope. I think being able to read, and taking advantage of that is a wondererful thing. If you want to be more social that is something that you can work on, but do so because it is something you think will improve your life, not because it would be a "waste" not to.

I am extremely shy and I am trying to work on that. People here know I have been going out on the weekends which is a huge step for me... but I still can't bring myself to talk to anyone or meet anyone or make any friends. I know it is hard.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[itsjustme111]

Hmmm; I was on the same wave length as Dex. But its sounds like you are wanting more than being home. Its a full time job in itself to take care of your kids and I am sure they love you. Maybe take up some kind of hobby, try things and see if you like it. Its important to get some time out of the ususal daily activities. Good luck and let us know.....

justy

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Miss U --

Like Ozzie and Dexter, my first thought is that reading is never a waste of time. And like Dexter, during this year of deep depression, I've been cognitively disorganized and can't focus to read very much. I miss it.

The list of other time-wasters left out two that can lead to profound trouble in people's lives -- shopping and, because I see it all around me here in the casinos -- gambling. I went to a casino outside Miami once and boy, are those electronic "slot machines" dumb. You put a buck in the machine, touch three boxes on the screen, and pouf, your buck is gone. I figured I could throw it out the car window and take more joy in the idea that someone who needs it might find it and brighten their days.

I also agree that taking care of your family is PLENTY to do. I just a read a post where some other person was beating up on self -- and my current T is pointing out to me all the little things I say to myself, big and small, that put myself down. So I am alert to all the self-critical things we tell ourselves and share on the list.

I think there are writers' groups online. If you love to read, perhaps writing, journaling, recording family history would be appealing? Family history might give motivation to contact family members for bits and pieces of the family history? I find I don't have as much stress being with people if we share something in common (and if I keep the time together manageable -- right now, about an hour or two at most, but in better times, 3 or 4).

When I was descending into the pits of depression, my T urged me to do things to satisfy my "inner child," bec. my whole life had been work, the discipline of exercise without much joy in it, the focus of reading, but very little play for play sake. I started making bookmarks out of construction paper, ribbon, glitter, a set of tiny little acrylic accent paints, holiday greeting cards, and a Hodgepodge type clear-drying glue-finish for a stiff clear coating. It was a great change from the little scraps of paper I use to mark books. I also invented a way of cutting up refrigerator magnets so that they could be glued to a fold-over bookmark and grip the page, instead of falling out. My cousin liked it so much that she brought it to an elementary school class to use as a project.

Well, I guess that shows how "childish" my little project was. But I did like playing with the glitter. Now that I am moving around so much and can't tote glue and ribbon and glitter and scissors etc. with me, nor spread them out someplace to work, I miss it.

Is there some little thing that seems "silly" that you might do. Because I think it is the silliness of some things that finally makes us smile -- and perhaps, one day, even laugh out loud.

And great, because if I lost one -- as I am always doing -- I could always make another. Now that I am moving around so much and have no stable home of my own, I do not have my bookmark making kit.

[dexter]

I should have mentioned that two... I was originally responding to the idea that you spend all of your free time reading... but your non-free time, taking care of the house and kids, is also not only a lot of work but a very very important function. Kids are our future, I believe so strongly in education, parenting, etc. If that turns out to be your only "purpose" in life then that is a very important accomplishment.

Which is not at all to say that you can't or shouldn't pursue other things that may be of interest to you. But do that because you want to explore some interest, not because you feel like your time is "wasted".

Personally, I think after dealing with kids and cleaning up after them, an appropriate activity would be "soak in bathtub for two hours until fingers get all pruney" . If you still have the energy and desire to read you are doing very well. It is depression that is making you think otherwise.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[Wants2Fly]

I love that picturesque description -- soak in a bubble bath til fingers get all pruney. made me smile.

[friedgreymatter]

Taking responsibilities for the kids is a job, Miss. So is doing laundry.

Reading sounds good, but you may need something else to do with your extra time. I wish I could focus on a book.

I, too, am phobic of people and have no career, etc.

Are you REALLY too phobic to volunteer some of your time, Miss? That's what I thought. I am phobic, but I pushed myself to do it. I did it a few times. I am still uncomfortable around others, but I did manage to help out a bit.

I am still nervous about volunteering, but I must get back into the habit of being around people and functioning.

It makes me feel a bit crazy being outside and amongst other human beings. The city is full of reaaally crazy people, so I don't feel too self-conscious.

Push yourself to do one day, just one day of volunteer work and see how it goes.

I have been working on grammar and learning another language with my time for the past few months. I really must find employment, though.

Now, that really makes me nervous and angry.

Good readers make good writers. Have you been writing at all, Miss? Think about it. You don't have to be around people much for that, right? I believe most writers are phobic and sensitive.

How is your voice? I wonder if you could get a gig doing some kind of voice work.

There has to be something out there. There just has to be. Must think out of the box, I guess and find it.

Good luck, Miss.

[Miss_Understood]

I want to thank you all so much for your kind responses. I have so much to say to each message! You are all lovely, lovely people.

But I'm having difficulty just making it day to day right now, and I don't have the energy to express my thoughts and appreciations to you all. Can I just give you all a hug? I think if you hugged me back right now, I'd collapse at your feet in a little puddle of tears. I'm not doing too well at all.

Today is an anniversary of the beginning of something for me. Maybe that is why I've been having such a difficult time the past week or so. It was quite a traumatic event I was involved in, and maybe that's why I can't stop crying lately. As soon as I hit the bed, I'm off and running with the tears. I become so despondant. And now that the kids are back in school, there aren't many distractions during the course of the day, and so the tears come in the daytime now too. I don't know how I'm going to hang on. I don't think I am.

But again, thank you for your messages. They all touched me. I couldn't believe how beautiful you all are. You have such lovely thoughts. Thank you for finding the energy within yourselves to actually put your thoughts into printed word for me. You are special people. Hugs to you all!!!!!!

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Miss Understood -- Anniversaries can be hell. I think there's some psychological research about it --you might troll the net if you have the energy.

Perhaps the crying is cleansing? My therapists have been persuading me for the past year not to hold it in. And a friend who went through a really rough time in her family, gettting rid of a violent hub who incested a daughter, said "I cried so much that I became allergic to my tears." But that the crying had to happen.

Keep coming back, Miss Understood.

[dexter]

There is no obligation for individual response here . Post as much or as little as you want and are able to talk about with NO GUILT. We understand how difficult it can be to work up the energy to do anything.

Just keep hanging on and working towards your goals and remember we are always here if you want to post.

{{{{{{Miss_Understood}}}}}}

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--http://www.idexter.com

[Miss_Understood]

Thank you, all, for being so supportive.

My anniversary is that I was part of the recovery team on a major airline crash. Six years ago. Maybe that is why I'm feeling so totally useless the past little while. Good people (exceptionally GREAT people) die, and I'm still here.....doing nothing.

Anyone have a "happy" drug?? Ha ha. I guess I should be grateful that I still have opportunities to experience this wonderful world of ours. I *am* amazed by the beauty around me. Just wish I could get my soul to be happy with me.

Thinking of you all. Thank you again.

[Wants2Fly]

Be kind to yourself on the anniversary of this terrible event.

Miss_Understood.

I was also in that area after the crash. Mum isn't far from where it happened and was awake for most of the night/morning.

I happened to be visiting the day after and remember much of that visit with sadness and respect.

Went to a beautiful memorial service and cried my eyes out at the injustice of it all. I will never hear Amazing Grace the same way again. There was no grace in all of this was my thinking back then. (and I still think that on bad days now)

I hold with enormous gratitude the kindness and absolute hospitality of the Maritimers shown to the world during that tragedy.

I'll be at the cove in a couple weeks and say my prayers then as I can't believe it was six years ago. I still have the newspaper clippings from the Herald from back then.

I'm very sorry that you were a part of that as it was a very hard time for everyone involved. Thank you for doing so. I'm sorry that it was a recovery and not rescue.

I will always have the fishermen and locals in my heart as they opened their homes and hearts to the people so pained by this tragedy. Thank you for being one of those incredible people who cared enough to get involved.

With respect,


<font color=purple> --zh </font color=purple>

[Miss_Understood]

Zen,

You brought tears to my eyes. But you would have done the exact same thing as the rest of us if this had happened in your back yard. It's just not something that you can turn away from.

Were you at *the* memorial service? I came in on the buses with the family members and airline personnel.

I don't have any newspaper articles, but I did save all the paperwork from everything I was involved with. The recovery was entitled "Operation Persistence" by the military......we were going to get everything from the bottom of the ocean. It was important. Every day the military held briefings for the family members, explaining everything happening and even showing videos of what was under the ocean (making sure not to show body parts in the videos presented to the families). I remember one video.....bits of pieces of the aircraft, with pretty colored little fish swimming so lazily through it all. It seemed such a contrast.

This is the first year we didn't have a public remembrance, as everyone wanted it that way. Did you happen to be back home for the 1st year anniversary? All the family members came back and got together with us downtown. It was very, very emotional.

Enough.

Hi Miss_Understood,

I wasn't at the main service but I did watch some on television. I was overwhelmed by that point and could barely stand to see another crying face or hear another name read.

Your experience of that time is something that I hope you have talked about or will talk about with professionals. The 'support staff' of which you were one are often the ones last dx'd with ptsd.

Mum said that she was relieved there wasn't any public thing this year as well. She still is uneasy when any jet comes in low.

I read your mention of an upcoming air show. I'll go post in that thread now.

Please take care and don't feel anything is wrong with you for having an especially difficult time during an anniversary like this. I wasn't directly involved in any way but from having flown in the very day after and being so close to all that was going on at the time it is an event forever etched in my memory.

[Miss_Understood]

(((Zenhussy)))

What an experience we BOTH have gone through. You arrived in our part of the world at such a sorrowful time. I'm sure your mum was so happy to have you there with her.

You mentioned in another post that your mum lives close to the cove? When the family members started arriving, they of course were taken directly out there. The problem was that there was still soooooo much mulch (and other items) coming in to shore, and trying to keep the family members shielded from seeing the coastline. It was such a terrible time. I did not know the human face could make such expressions. It was really quite overwhelming.

No, I haven't talked to a therapist about my involvement with the crash. We had debriefings during the time I was there, but I never attended any. We did so much talking as it was out at the morgue that I really was all talked out. Everybody talked and talked and talked out there. It was how we survived....we had to talk about what we were doing each day.

You are a sweetie, Zenhussy. Thanks for being so nice to me. You're such a nice person.

(((Zenhussy)))

[ivan777]

O boy do I know what it is like to be in your shoes! I would constantly agonize that I was wasting time, space and resources that could be used by someone "more worthy" than myself. I would argue that those"good people" who are dying every day may not need to die if I gave them the resources I was needlessly consuming. Most of that thinking was in the throngs of a depression and seemed to get better when my meds kicked in. Some of it I needed to mentally fight using the techniques I read in David Burns' book Feeling Good. As starters I threw out of my vocabulary the terms worthy and unworthy. Then I made a list of things I wanted to do, things I felt mentally able to do, things I could do and things I could not do but wanted to do and felt mentally able to do.Those things that overlapped in the first three columns I dove into--gardening, reading, writing, puzzles, etc. and the last column I left for a time when I was feeling better. Now I'm learning the piano (something I always wanted to do but never learned)!
I had to first get over that worthy/ unworthy problem which was reaaly hard---I had these posterboards and cards that I made up and put around the house to remind me that since every person has equal worth then no one can be unworthy and then so the terms worthy and unworthy when applied to people are meaningless Just know you are not alone in this struggle and if we all help each other, none of us has to shoulder the burdens of life alone! Hope this helps...let me know how you are doing and God bless.

[(JD)]

What a good question! I have been asked this before, but by ppl IRL who didn't really care, but were nosey and didn't understand how I battle pain 24/7. I am no longer "bored" which is what you sound.. in a way...

You are suffering and need help... I'm sorry to hear you didn't attend the debriefings, as those who receive help soon after a trauma are less likely to have it affect them as severely.

Please do seek out those who debriefed the others... contact whatever agency was there, as they would have first hand knowledge of not only the trauma, but of what the others were expressing... they will understand and be able to help you better than others.

These things affect us in different ways... your depression, feeling of worthlessness, are not the real you... but you need time to allow yourself to just "be"... and you are doing plenty with raising children and keeping house! OMG! so much...

Reading is good, especially if you can learn new things. My depression hits me differently and it is all I can do (and I force myself to do this, for others and myself) is to read the posts here and respond. I can't read many of the long ones even, because I have trouble concentrating...

There are ways to volunteer when you are really ready for that, without meeting ppl... plenty of non profits need filework or just organization stuff some just on computer, at home... others, like the gift shop at the zoo might need someone to work in the inventory room with stuff, not people... but I suspect you are not up to any of this right now...

Take your time, but get help, please. You're suffering so much, and deserve to feel better!

[(JD)]

sheesh I didn't even answer your question!

I don't work, being permanently, totally disabled. I still go to physical therapy 3x a week, and see a PTSD expert... pain and stress management psychologist 3x a week... so that takes up time.... and wipes me out for those days...

the "days off" as I call them, well, I have to do sets of stretches that take me another hour to recover from...

I have to choose what I will do with any energy I might have left... I don't cook... and if I eat, it's usually once a day at a restaurant (but I haven't been able to do that for weeks)

I have a service dog that requires attention! food, water, brushing, lovin... heheheh etc and he demands more if he doesn't get enough!

I do try and volunteer... because of my previous abilities, I have a "high" position which doesn't require me to do anything day in and day out... which I just couldn't do anyway. I'm not sure how well I'm doing this anyway so... But if something is coming up, I "bank" what energy I can (no anything else: laundry, phone calling, bill paying etc) take extra medication to help with the pain and the brain fog from pain... and push myself to "do" the event... still on a good day I only get maybe 4 hours of functionality total.

I totally understand your comment about good ppl dying every day and here I am: taking up space. I think Ihave said that in therapy many many times. I am learning to deal with PTSD along with the physical problems from my accident (work.) I am learning to be patient with myself, yet work hard on some important issues ( I am disabled, I do the best I can, some days the best I can do is rest and shut the world out.)

Does this help you at all?