[Taonuviel]

The question is stuck in my mind, and I don't know. Why does anything matter? Why does the thought of devestating my mother pain me? I guess I've been detached lately, and suddenly I'm not so detached.

I thought I was doing better today, but if my thoughts continue as they are I ought to get myself admitted inpatient - they're dangerous. I just don't know. I'm so tired of facing things and wonder... you can guess.

I don't know. I'm starting to see some good in life again with this medicine, but I still feel like forgetting it all. And the fight is getting stronger in my mind, and I realize I may not be able to make it through this night alone as I am - my roommate's gone, as is everyone in my hall's section, it's Fall break. So I have three options, but I don't want to think about any of them, none are simple enough. Stay, go, exit... I wish there were someone unbiased to them all to help me decide, but I suppose they'd look at me and see potential and rule out exiting. Why won't I let go of it? It's too painful living and fighting.

Maybe I'll go back to my room and think, cry, and make some calls... oh how I don't want to face this anymore.

[ktp]

Tao:

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I was wondering how you are feeling now? Better, even a little?
I am so glad to see you post about thinking about inpatient, because you realize you are not safe. The MOST important thing is to keep yourself safe and if you need hospital to do that, please PLEASE consider it.

It's hard when there's so much going on in your head. I know. And it seems like people just don't notice because you don't show it on the outside. They'd never guess the battles going on on the inside. But there are some of us who do understand and who do care about people being in dangerous situations.

I really think if you're still thinking the same way you're not safe and I hope that you will do what you think is best for you. Please let us know.

Take great care.
K.

[Taonuviel]

I'm thinking of going to the hospital again. I don't think I can make it otherwise.

[Wants2Fly]

(((((((Taonuviel)))))))

[silver_queen]

Aww ((((Tao)))).

Hope you make it through the night ok...

You say yourself that you see that life is getting better a little with your meds...why not give them a chance?

Please don't kill yourself, I don't know you but it would upset me.

I mean...you have the strength to fight through this, ok? Don't give up now! Ring some suicide hotlines, or a friend... go here. Get in contact with your mother! Try not to be alone...go to the library, or go to a bar or something, where you're surrounded by people.

I know what it's like to feel in danger and to feel like you're going to do something and to be afraid to be alone. Oh Tao I'm so sorry for you. Hopefully going to the hopsital will help you. But if they refuse to admit you...please don't see that as desertion! Please live through the night...

Please PM me and tell me how things stand with you.

[nightdream]

((((((((((((((((((Tao))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm thinking of you and hoping that you are safe. We care for you here a great lot! You are important to us and you have a special place in each of our heart. You are loved!

nightdream

[ktp]

((((Tao))))

I'm sending some good thoughts your way tonight. I hope that you are safe and are doing what needs to be done to stay safe.

Take Care of yourself.
Kimberly.

[cms39]

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Tao.

[eskielover]

I hope since you are not posting, that you decided to go to the hospital. When you are in that state, it is much better to be safe than sorry. I've been in both, & someday, the cycle will end. But until then, use the safety of the hospital & the groups to get you through the impossible times.

Thinking of you
Debbie K

[Maya]

We all wish you to feel better - if you have not gone to the hospital I hope you found someone or something to help you get through this. Please keep yourself safe - however you can. We all battle with these issues and this forum is a safe place for us to talk about it without the risk of being judged by those who don't understand. Please, please, keep yourself safe. Do whatever it takes to maintain your inner sense of self and value.

[Wants2Fly]

Hope you're ok, Taonuviel, whether you are "in" or "out."

[silver_queen]

I really hope Tao hasn't replied because she's in hospital, not because she's killed herself or hurt herself in some way... . I wish she'd write.

[Taonuviel]

I'm really sorry, I did try something stupid that night, started to od, but stopped after one kind and called the hospital. So I ended up in the psych unit over the weekend. It was one of those new/changing meds moments they warn people about, feeling better all day until an impulsive 45 minutes. Got out of the hospital today, going back for partial tomorrow morning, try to figure out how safe I am then, I know I'm safe for now, but I think I could have gotten a lot more out of the weekend had I been at the other hospital here - the one that had room drove me crazy because it was too laid back and I need structure. I'm going back to the better one for partial, but it's possible I may end up back inpatient depending on how I really am - which I haven't figured out yet, figure it'd be safer to figure out while I'm somewhere safe.

[silver_queen]

I'm glad you replied, Tao - I was getting worried about you. I'm sorry you had to go into hospital, but if it keeps you safe, what other option is there?

Please keep us informed.

[Taonuviel]

So I get in to partial, and find out I spent the weekend in the crappy hospital for no reason - when my insurance checked for room they thought there wasn't any at the hospital I've been going to - there wasn't any, except the spot they were holding for me! So then I call to schedule a time today to meet and get back into school, as it seemed she was saying yesterday we'd do today. Not only did I find out I'd have to wait until a meeting tomorrow, she sounded SO serious, I'm really afraid now that they're thinking I shouldn't go back. I couldn't handle that! Then I get stuck waiting around partial 45 minutes afterwards because they weren't sure if I was safe to leave and wanted to doctor to see me, I never ended up seeing him but finally got to leave. Then I went to fill my prescription - Cymbalta - which is actually working! And find out my insurance doesn't cover it, and I'm out. I don't know how this will work out, but I don't have it in me to think about. I was about to go back to the hospital because I didn't feel safe, but calmed down. Then I get to the gas station and my credit/debit card is denied, so I get home and look online and find I'm $30 overdrawn and I have no idea where my record went wrong. I can't even begin to compare it, I look back a month and I was off way back then, and I have no idea how, I was so careful. Now I'm home, feeling like crap, and nothing to do for it. I'm entirely overwhelmed.

[(JD)]

Criminy Tao! Are you following me around? Those are the kind of days I'm having! My T tells me to ride it through (my words, not his I can't remember his exact words, I'm too depressed) that there's nothing I can do about it today and it will work out... blah blah blah....

but he's right... when we are so depressed we can't figure anything out any way and react wrongly to everything... and depression tells us what is truth is a lie and what is a lie that it's true! We're upside down in the world. Glad to meet you!

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tao}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

To "exit" is not an option and we all know it, particularly us three that I know for sure share the same faith. Please, both of you, stay safe!

Tao, Sky brought up a very valid point. Depression lies to us! Everything we thought was truth, it tells us it's exactly the opposite. Please don't listen to your depression. That goes for you, too, Sky!

You're both cared about dearly. Again... please stay safe!

[ktp]

(((((Tao))))))

I'm so sorry you had such a crap week. Please do what you need to to stay safe and I will be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. Please keep us informed on how things are going.

((((SKY))))
I'm sending good wishes your way that things start to look better for you.

Take Care all and stay safe.

((((((Sept)))))) you had it right exit is not an option.I hope you're taking care of yourself lady.

K.

[Taonuviel]

I can't go back on campus, they won't let me live there anymore! I can't handle this, I have to live at home, and that thought makes me want to die, it's so hopeless there. We talked forever trying to come up with ways to make it better, even with my dad there there were no answers. The only way I'm able to consider surviving now is that I'll still be able to commute to school, but not living on campus is so horrible I can't bear it. And I was going to go into the hospital, but there's no room, so I have to go home, and that's the last place I want to be. I have to push through this night, and then go inpatient tomorrow, there's no way I can handle this weekend.

I really thought they'd let me live on campus still, the od had so much to do with the medicine, but they're just not confident enough in that to "risk" it. Thank God they're confident enough I'm responsible enough after showing them how I look for help that they're letting me continue the schoolwork. But I'm not ready to deal with this, I left home this morning thinking I'd be moving back in my dorm room, and I'm not, and I hate the thought of having to go back home overnight.

But I have to go, so I'll write more later.

[Taonuviel]

I can't have anything more to say, I can't let myself think about it, I'm going to wait until partial tomorrow because I don't feel safe with myself really thinking about it.
It just hurts so much...

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Taonuviel -- I don't have the backstory on your situation at home, so I don't know how bad this is going to be for you. I do understand the position of the school. I hope that you are able to find the right meds and therapy to help you see the light. Peace & blessings & hugs if you want 'em.

[(JD)]

sorry Tao... I fully understand... however I can offer suggestion:

if you truly wish to get out of the situation... if you really want to help yourself... (I believe you do want help...)

Take a look at your postings. Take a review of your speech.
TRY and quit using (even though you might continue to think them for a while... that will change later too..) those words!

stop using words : Can't
there's no way I can handle this
I hate the thought of...

I know your situation isn't what anyone would want... but if you can correct your speaking like this... well it's in your best interest to...

If you can also replace them with...

I don't feel like I can... but...
I can do this
This isn't what I wanted but...
Somehow I will....

it will help you feel better at least... because you won't be feeding yourself all those negative thoughts (and you do have enough negative things happening to you already.)

[Taonuviel]

I'm feeling better for now... like maybe I can be strong through this, maybe I won't have to turn to the hospital again to make it through(well, besides partial, but it's not the same), maybe this can be ok. I'm still not thinking it entirely through, I won't until I'm at partial tomorrow, but I'm seeing some good. At the same time, I can feel the nagging crushed feeling I don't know if I can handle... I have to process this like a loss, it is to me, and I just have to wait until tomorrow to see how well I handle it. I have to admit I'm doing well so far, I guess.

[(JD)]

yeah... when we get to that point we have to have someone remind us WE CAN"T THINK RIGHT NOW LOL! and that nothing we decide will be very good anyway... and to let it ride and maybe things/thinking will improve

[Wants2Fly]

I agree that the language we use is so important. Given that it's always all about me me me me me in the final analysis -- my last T and this T are constantly asking me to look at the language I use in my self-talk. Just yesterday, current T said that the language I use to put myself down is "subtle," but still needs to change.

During the great troughs of my depression, I often remember one tip I read, which is to make space by offering qualifiers when I use totalizing, all or nothing, language. Example: "I can't go on anymore." (which I say a lot when I'm really down.) Change it to, "I can barely go on." Or, "I almost can't go on."

Keep posting Taonuviel. You are loved here.