[lenjan]

I dunno, this place is great, but sometimes there's no substitute for "face to face" contact, and all my real-life friends seem to have forgotten me lately. I call, they don't call back. I email, they don't write back. I've been absent from somewhere I used to go weekly for a month now, and nobody has bothered to see what's up or where I am. I talked to my mother last week for the first time in probably 3 months -- actually a good thing but still, if you can't even get your own MOTHER to call .....

Having determined just last week who I can and can't trust at work, I get really anxious now in the evenings. Not even my boss likes me anymore (we used to have a really good relationship, but she made clear last week whose side she's on, and it ain't mine). Hell, about the only person who cares to see me regularly and treat me like a human being is my therapist!

It's not like I'm hiding and not reaching out to people. I'm trying, and I'm getting ignored, and I'm starting to wonder WTF is wrong with me. I *do* bathe regularly, .... I dunno. I guess I've just had some sharp lessons lately in who my friends are, and the ones I thought were closest are the ones most actively ignoring me. It hurts!

Candy

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}

I'm sorry you're feeling alone. I can relate - no one in 3D really gives a damn about me. My own mother told me today that she busys out the phone because she doesn't want me to be able to leave her a message on the answering machine. Aren't parents awesome??

We're almost neighbors here. I'd be happy to talk to you anytime, through email or whatever. You're not completely alone - it just feels that way and it hurts a lot.

You need a shoulder, just holler. I'll hear you.

[Myzen]

Hi candybear,

This is an issue very close to my heart. A few years ago I got into such a mess by doing a co-counselling thing with the friends I had that I just decided to withdraw from the situation. I know that this is a depressive reaction, but also I didn't like the way the relationships were heading. It was like I was playing the truth game, but I couldn't reverse it. I still keep in touch, but only a little, and I tell them that things are OK with me now.

I have since moved to a new town, and I'm meeting some really friendly people. I am super cautious about what I say about myself. If I am really pushed I might say that I am recovering from some ill health, but I don't even like disclosing that much.

It's different on this board, I can say what I like, "the whole truth and nothing but the truth". It's so good. I guess what I am expressing is that I hated turning my friends into therapists, and I don't want to get into that spot again. I guess it's pride. (candybear, I'm not saying you did this, it's just what happened to me).

One thing I do these days, is just smile at people when I'm out walking, and say hello to the neighbours in a friendly way. It's a simple thing, but the response is lovely. Also, when someone is out with a baby or a dog, I often say something complementary. People love it. You know, it can be such a nice world.

A last thing, I go to a healing group where we don't talk, we just meditate together. We don't know what issues there are in the room, we just feel a closeness with each other and sometimes we hold hands. For me, this cuts through the loneliness at a stroke.

I hope I've helped a bit.

Good luck, Myzen

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Myzen -- I agree with every single thing you've said!

1. Being a bit cautious when we meet people. Disclosing on a "needs to know" basis.

After moving to New Orleans, I cut off relations with a woman I'd been friends with -- off and on -- for about 20 years. She has big-time money issues. Last time that I had to drop the friendship was when I was poor and struggling. This time, same reason. And I've seen her treat others in her life the same way. Even when I'm struggling with keeping a roof over my head, she wants me to be her therapist about boyfriend and self-doubt issues. I decided that it was a dysfunctional relationship bec. the only times is works is when (a) we are in bad stuff together or (b) I am healthy and be there for her. But there is never any of her being present for me.

2. Being friendly with strangers. Yup, it works miracles. Research suggests that when we smile, we actually start to feel better. The "acting as if" thing.

3. Yes, prayer, meditation, reiki healing, even massage, can work wonders, too.

Thanks for the wonderful post, Myzen!

[shakes]

Candy,
I too can relate like lots of others can. It seems that so many people are "happy" to be with you as long as the friendship is happy and good all the time. People just dont seem to want to have friendships with people who are depressed because "they are too much trouble." I have had others actually say that to me before. Remember like it was said before it is not you it is them!! If people were really good and wanted to be your friend they would stick through all the good and the bad. Not just having you around as long as you do not trouble them. That is not a real friend.
Just try to protect yourself... You are sweet and trusting and people just take advantage of that it seems.
Becareful who you really let in.

Stay strong and take care,
Jessica

[dreamcatbuddhagirl]

Hi,Just wanted to touch base,I also feel very much alone right now.I have my family & know they love me,still i'm really depressed,but trying to be a possitive force in this world. I looked at your website, you have a lot going for you! Sometimes we tend to get too much going. I saw Eyore on your page,can relate I have an Eyore watch! "Don't bother about me!",well its good your able to reach out to others.Sometimes people do let us down & are'nt really friends. You sound like a good person,hang in there kiddo! It will get better,trust takes time and it sounds like the folks here are giving you some good advice! Remember,"A journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step".- Lao Tzu I'm real tired,hope this made sense!

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((((candy))))))))))))))))))))

[Myzen]

Wants2Fly,

I agree with everything you've said. One thing - "never anything of her being present to me". That is so true. Once you are able to recognise and express that stuff, then I think you are on the mend. You are ready to take control of your relationships.

Good luck, Myzen,

[lenjan]

I'm resurrecting this thread because nothing's changed, and I still feel like crap. I have no invitations anywhere for Thanksgiving -- usually SOMEBODY takes little spinster me in -- so I'll have two days next week to sit around feeling sorry for myself. ONE person who hasn't seen me in a couple of months finally got around to asking if I was OK. Everybody else has been "busy" or has some other excuse for ignoring me.

I swear, you guys, I am not a horrible person. I *used* to have friends I could count on. Most of them saw me through an actively suicidal phase last winter that ultimately landed me in the loony bin. If they could handle THAT, why can't they handle simply sad and lonely? It's making me feel like dirt -- you know, gets walked on and eventually swept up and thrown away without a second thought.

The part that *really* pisses me off is, I'm a good friend. I remember birthdays and difficult anniversaries and I'm always there when needed. Why is it so freaking hard to get other people to treat me the same way? What is wrong with me? Am I some kind of freak because of my mental illnesses? Why can't people deal with it when I'm not all Suzy Sunshine all the time? You'd think if they cared about me, they'd take me as I am.

You know how they talk about people "doing something stupid" like bad self-injury or worse "just to get attention"? I swear to god, I'm almost there. I don't understand what is making me invisible, but I'm tired of it. Really, really tired.

Sigh, Sorry for ranting.

Candy

[wisewoman]

candy, don't know what we are doing for thanksgiving as we are vegetarinans with no family around. But you can come here and do whatever we do. Maybe there will be snow and we will go sledding? Candy, holidays are invented to make most of us feel miserable.

[(JD)]

sigh. much of what you say applies to many of us... big sigh. and most of the restaurants are closed on Thanksgiving.. and only serve fake turkey if they are open.... but the local BBQ place will be open guess I'll eat there...

Have you checked with your local church? Or what about the local rescue mission? They often serve a special meal for the homeless... and it would do you good to help there too, plus get a free meal.. not be lonely... it's quite an experience...

just a thought.

[lenjan]

Yeah, the Chinese places will be open too, I've done that on Christmas Day before ... :\

It's not even the holiday thing that's bugging me that much, it's that I haven't been around much for a couple months now at any of the places I used to go, and nobody's noticed. Not even my alleged friends, especially the one who called me at work to ask me a question, said he'd call me at home that night, and I haven't heard from him since (2 months or so). Every time I confront him,he just says "Oh, I've just been so busy." Sorry, but I'm busy too and I still find time to remember my friends.

The university where I teach part-time always hosts Thanksgiving dinner for the international students and others who couldn't make it home -- I had to do that too one year, and you want to talk feeling lonely in a crowd? I think I was the only English speaker at my table. It was like, all the American kids had lives, and here I was stuck with people who had no idea what the hell Thanksgiving was, except a lot of free food.

At any rate, if their email server will ever return to life so I can check my mail, I might think about volunteering there. It's only 2 hours out of the day and I might get fed.

I've been doing so badly lately, and I've practically been screaming at the top of my lungs that I need a little support, and the only ones hearing me are ones I've never met. :\ I love you all, but I need some face-to-face contact with people who at least claim to love me. :\

Candy

[Wants2Fly]

I'm so sorry, Candy. I've spent so many holidays alone. I used to volunteer to work holidays at newspapers. I figured people with kids should be allowed to be with them, and it was a way out for me. I hate it, but unlike you, I don't have any big plans to volunteer or anything productive.