How Do We Handle Getting Better?

Hello All -- My sense -- at least for today -- is that my depression is improving. That I am coming out of it. I've been rereading my journal, and noticing the themes, and I can see the generally upward curve despite fallbacks.

Of course, I'm so scared of backsliding into the black pit. Remember, as recently as September 30th, I went to a psych hospital and spoke with an intake counselor. As I was deciding if I could afford it, my meds kicked in.

I still don't have a job and my financial situation is . . . uncertain, at best. That alone is enough to kick anyone into depression.

So that's one of my first concerns @ depression/possible recovery: How does one handle the fear of backsliding? It recurs for many of us. I'd have to say that this has been one of the longest and worst, most paralyzing with terror.

Second, I feel guilty. People I have come to love on the forums are still stuffering. I can't do anything to help them. As I was rereading my journal this morning, I came on a sentence: Don't people see that their words cannot help me?"

Perhaps words did help me in the long run, but I couldn't see it. People saying that they loved me, that I was sick not worthless. People saying to get a meds check, get a counselor. Eventually it penetrated the fog of my depression.

Nonetheless, the second thing I am struggling with is guilt.

The third thing is a different kind of guilt: Doesn't this really prove that I'm just a drama queen as my brother insists? I got a lot of attention -- so now I am getting better? It's almost as if I feel a need to stay sick to prove that I really am sick -- which is a sick idea in itself, isn't it?

Then, too, the fact that I found companionship on the forums through being sick makes me wonder if I can put together a life of supportive contacts that does not depend on my disease.

I decided on Sunday to return to South Florida. Being a part of a Sufi community is more important to me than being in New Orleans for its history, or literary scene, or music. There's a very, large active Sufi community in Austin, and maybe someday I will move there. Right now, because I am unemployed, I can't justify to myself spending a lot of money to move to New Orleans or Austin, when I don't have a job in either place. I collected moving estimates and they are in the thousands. It will only cost me a few hundred dollars to have Mr. Jimmy move me locally in S. Florida.

So I hope that having this spiritual group will be a good start toward building some kind of nourishing life for myself.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning, so my computer access is going to be spotting until I am settled in my own place. I hope the transition is smooth and swift.

To summarize: issues I am grappling with are:
1. Fear of back-sliding -- still a lot of financial stress in my life, plus moving again
2. Guilt that others I love are still suffering more than I am, at least for today
3. Fear that getting better proves I really am just a drama queen
4. Fear that I won't be able to build nourishing relationships and will be backslide

Let me take a shot at these. Remember, free advice is worth what you pay for it. :-)

1. Fear of back-sliding
Good grief. I'm SURE this is one we all have. I spent a week in the hospital in February and am scared as hell I'm going to be back there before the end of the year. And when I'm feeling well, which I do occasionally :-), I'm terrified it won't last. You'll just have to join the club on this one. :-)

2. Guilt that others I love are still suffering more than I am, at least for today
People are going to be in different stages at different times. God forbid we all crash at the same time -- what a disaster that would be! :-) Those who are doing well can help those who are not, and someday the favor will probably need to be returned, and the scale can even out that way. No guilt required. You can be sorry that someone you care about is hurting, but it's not your job to take it upon yourself, other than to be supportive.

3. Fear that getting better proves I really am just a drama queen
You get called that by people who don't understand. Getting better proves you were sick!! i also get accused of using my mental health issues for attention, and you know what? I've stopped talking to those people. Life is too short to take crap off people who haven't ever walked in your shoes.

4. Fear that I won't be able to build nourishing relationships and will be backslide
I have good relationships with "normal" people, so it's doable. but in the end, it's going to be the ones who have been in the abyss themselves who will be your best friends. My dear, lovable, wonderful therapist really digs deep down and tries to get down in there with me so he can understand as much as possible, and I adore him for it -- but he's still never been depressed himself. As hard as he tries, and as much of it as he DOES get, he's never going to "get it" all.

As I try to tell myself in better times: One day at a time -- no guilt -- move on.

Hugs,
Candy

Let me add one more thing on the "drama queen" vs. "illness" debate:

The first year or two I was on meds, I used to rebel by quitting them periodically. I didn't like being numbed out, and when I started feeling better, I decided I didn't need them anymore. Every time I did this, my pdoc would very patiently say, "If you had bronchitis, you wouldn't think twice about taking medication to get rid of it. Depression is an illness too. So what's wrong with taking medication for it?"

Took awhile, but he finally got it through my thick Polack skull. :-)

Tell your brother it's a well-documented biological condition and hand him a DSM-IV or something.

Candy

I agree with Candy all of the way! she stole the words outa my mouth. You are okay.

Hi Wants2Fly,

Lots of wise words from Candybear. I just want to add one thing.

For me, the key to getting through this illness is to iron out the peaks and troughs. I do this by thinking of myself, at all times, as a SURVIVOR.

This means that if I slip back, I survive the relapse, if I recover, I survive the recovery. I never think of myself as cured because this would encourage the fear of relapse that you mentioned, and I never think of myself as hopelessly lost, because this would deny the recovery phase which has always come along.

I try to think of this as like the seasons of the year. I like summer, but winter has some good things about it too. If I'm in summer or winter I always know there will be a change coming. There is no need to be fearful or feel guilt about summer or winter, because I can't do anything to change them.

Maybe depression is like this, There is no point in beating ourselves up about this state which we sufferers are in, the secret is to go with it and allow it to pass through us. Grasping at any part of it will only make it more important in our minds and make us want to obsess.

So for me it's just the one word - survivor.

Good thoughts to you, Myzen

Hi Wants2Fly,

I am Bipolar II, but I'm much more depressive than hypomanic so I hope that my information is helpful.

My T told me that I was focusing too much on my moods. So maybe when you start feeling better, try not to dwell on getting depressed again. Focus on something pleasant. Or do something that brings you pleasure.

I know: Easier said than done! But it may help you.

Droopy (Pam)

Thanks for wise advice, all. My printer already is packed, but I want to print out this thread and save it as soon as I'm up and running again!

Wants2Fly,
First of all I want to say congrats for being so brave that you want to move to a better place to make yourself better.

Fear of back sliding- I think that this is very common especially when you are starting new. I have faith that you will do just fine!!

Guilt- This shows a sign that you are really a kind person. When I feel really good somedays I feel really bad that others (especially people here on the forum) might not be feeling so good. Be proud that you are feeling better!! That is a wonderful achievement.

Getting better- You are not a drama queen!!!! You are battling and overcoming something that can be very difficult to even keep your head above. Again this is something you should be proud of. Just because you are getting better does not mean that you should feel afraid to come back here for help.

Relationships-This one I do not have advice for because it is something that I am currently struggling with. Just give it time. I am sure that when you find people that you want to have a meaningful relationship with (friendship or more) then you will. Don't rush!!

Above all else take care of yourself.

Jessica