more than i can handle

i apologize if anything i say here is inappropriate and i understand if it needs to be edited. i pasted the trigger icon because i dont want to upset anyone.

theres an expression and i'm not sure of it exactly but it has something to do with only being given in life as much as we can handle. i passed that point a long time ago and now i'm on overload and i'm about ready to go nuclear. the past few weeks have been horrible. i'm alone all night, which is when my anxiety peaks, i've been sick, my baby almost had to be admitted to the hospital he was so ill, our car fell apart and costs too much to be fixed, we are financially strapped, my doctor has told me that if the results of my newest biopsy are as she anticipates i will have to undergo a more invasive procedure than i am comfortable with, my parents are crawling up my *&^ trying to get me to leave my husband, who is himself extraordinarily miserable, and my only friend in this entire pathetic universe washed his hands of me. i dont know what to do. my husband is home from work keeping an eye on me but its noon and i'm drinking. beer. probably not the right thing right now.
whats made this all so much harder is that the few people still hanging around in my life dont understand why i dont take help from my parents, who are financially comfortable, and i cant tell anyone. i guess thats why i'm posting here. i hate my parents. my father was an abusive bastard and my mom stood by while he turned my brother into the same monster that he is. its been many years since all of this, and the family seems to have swept it all under the rug. i tried to talk to my mom about it failry recently because its one of the reasons i am this incredible *&^% up that i am and my t thought i needed to express how i was feeling and she has this nervous little laugh and she brushed me off. . ."these things happen". do they? is it the norm? am i overreacting here? i remember one night when i was little i was lying on my bed writing in my journal. it was late and i should have had the lights out already. i never heard the door open, didnt realize he was standing over me until i felt the first slap. my father started hitting me and he wouldnt stop i remember screaming and crying and it seemed like it would never end. with my brother he used the belt. he turned that kid into a nice little clone. my dad didnt have to hurt me. he hurt my brother enough, left the dirty work to him.
so no, i dont like to take help from my parents, i loathe them. i dont have anyone in my life really. sometimes i have no choice but to turn to them. i speak to my mom. i know i can ask her for help on certain things and no matter how odd the favor, she helps with out questioning or criticising. shes a different person entirely around my dad. then i cant stand her.
so it all comes back to right now. i woke up this morning my heart racing as i was lying in bed. took my meds, did my breathing, but it wouldnt slow. finally got up to deal with another day and as i was sitting in my car listening to this *&^% on the phone justify why i should be alone, why its all my fault, why i'm this coward that always gives up so why should anyone support me, thats when i had the thought. arent we only supposed to get in life as much as we can handle? what do you do when it passes that point? i am alone and miserable and at my breaking point and i hate feeling like theres no hope in sight, no end to all this. what the *&^% am i being punished for now?

(((((((((((Greenfairy))))))))))

I wish I could say something to help.

((((greenfairy))))

I'm sorry you are having it so tough at the moment. You sure sound to have a lot on your plate.
Can you break it down into individual issues and then look at what you want to do about each one? Seems to me you have made a good start ont hat here by posting. So can you identify what you want to happen in each situation and how far you can make that happen, what you can do to make that situation more bearable. I find that just doing something - as little as I can - sometimes helps me, because I feel I have done something. I appreciate that there is nothing you can do about some of these things, and in that case maybe your goal needs to be to find a way of acceptinga nd living with the situation.
Hope this helps rather than hinders.
Be gentle with yourself.

I wish I could help, I am thinking of you ((((((((((( greenfairy)))))))))))))

No suggestions but

((HUGS))

You are not alone.

(((((wi_fighter, caroline, fuzzybear, gossamer))))))
thank you for the support. i'm trying, i swear i am. and i'm sorry i keep going on and on. i dont want to burden anyone but my husband, who happens to be the only person here at the moment, is falling into his own depression and cant take this right now. he and every other person around keep telling me how i have to do this on my own. "take care of it yourself" was the message i got this morning. when have i not done it alone? every doctor appointment, the lawyers, the mechanics, the flood that wrecked my home, the abuse, every crappy thing thats ever happened. . . i got through it alone. i dont want to be told to fix myself. is it not what i've been doing the last twenty-odd years of my life? taking the &^%$ that comes my way and picking up the pieces. i'm tired. just for once. . . maybe somebody could have stuck around and given me just a little leg up. i dont want much, i dont ask for much, maybe just for someone to listen and say its okay when i'm blue. or a ride to the doc when i'm feeling afraid and anxious. or a shoulder to cry on without being told "pull yourself together" or "you need to get over this". i dont ask for much and its still too much. i cant fix everything else and myself and take care of my kids and make money and put my life together. i'm so tired. ever feel like you just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and maybe you'll wake and somehow it will all be ok? i cant even sleep. i'm so tired and i cant even sleep.

is it ok for me to say i am not okay right now? i am panicking and panicking and i called the only people i could think to call, my friend who basically said dont bother me and my pdoc who cant see me til next thursday and i dont know what to do with myself. . .

tried to reach out to the only person i can really talk to. . .he said it was my fault. that i have to stop blaming everyone else and i cant stop thinking that maybe it is. maybe if i'd just been a better person things wouldnt be this way. maybe if i'd done things different. and i feel so guilty that i let everything happen, and all this time i thought it wasnt my fault but i was wrong. i've been so wrong about everything.

(((((greenfairy)))))

Greenfairy

Don't blame yourself for the present situation! It's not your fault you were abused as a child - this is where all your problems spring from, quite obviously.

I know you can't stand your parents, but don't you think that they owe you something? Maybe you should take whatever assistance (financial or otherwise) that they offer you.

It seems as if your mother is trying to redress the balance a bit. In that case, let her pay for the car or something else that would give you some hope and start to get you on your feet again.

Otherwise you could be digging yourself in deeper. Look upwards and outwards and make fresh moves.

I'm trying to suggest things tactfully so as not to upset you further.

Best wishes, FG

Greenfairy,

I second funnygirl's helpful post.

Greenfairy,

I have been embattled myself a few times in life and it is very hard to think clearly or make good choices when we are in crisis.

My feeling is that we need some peacefulness in our days, just a small space where we can find ourselves and come down quietly.

I found that talking about my troubles when they were really bad just focussed me more on my own unhappy situation. What I did was (I know this is an old chestnut) - I went to a church when there was no one else there and I sat quietly for a while, and I lit a little candle for myself and all the people who were hurting like me at that time. I did this regularly for a long time, maybe a year.

I'm still not a Christian, but I know that this helped to turn my life around after my father died (he was an unhappy and abusive man). I found some strength inside me. I haven't needed to go to the church for a long while now.

Anyway, today I am going to drive over to the city and sit down in that place and light a little candle for you. Whatever you are doing today, I shall go and do this for you. I'll think about your posts, and how you are feeling and try to share a little of it with you.

Your time is different over there, but I'll be there from about 3-3.30pm UK time.

Good thoughts, M

having trouble right now. finances are a mess (just went through a bankruptcy) and with all the things on my plate i know i need to retrench and dont know where to begin. theres so much. . . the car, my pdoc, t and meds, my lawyer, upcoming surgery, gas and electric are both asking for deposits because of the bankruptcy. its overwhelming. started out a good day and then when husband and i sat down to sort through everything i just went into full blown panic. i know i might need to stop seeing pdoc and t for a while because of the time involved and the cost, and i'm afraid with the way i'm feeling lately i might not be able to keep it together without them in my life. my parents have been around more than i'd like them to be because of the financial thing and the fact that without their help i'd be on the street right now, and being around my father sets things off, the nightmares, the panic, anxiety, and i dont know how to continue dealing with him without the therapy. i was supposed to go to my parents house today to discuss legal stuff and i became physically ill. called my mom to tell her i couldnt keep my food down and obviously she knew i wouldnt be showing up. is that normal? to become ill like that out of fear?
i'm afraid of surgery, of how i'm going to feel afterwards, how it will affect my future, and i dont really know anymore how to put things in order. i feel like i'm losing my grip. the other day i wanted to hurt myself. dont know if its okay to post that so maybe this will be edited. it scared me enough that i told my husband and so hes around me constantly now making sure i dont do anything foolish. its comforting but annoying. there is no easy way out and so i've been looking for one and i try to tell myself not to think that way but the thoughts have ben running through my head all day like a broken record. it seems unfair that life revolves around money, that if you dont have it you have to suffer, whether youre a good person or not. dont know what to do so i'm just venting. hope thats ok.

{{{{{{greenfairy}}}}}}

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...it seems unfair that life revolves around money, that if you dont have it you have to suffer...

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I totally agree and have thought this MANY times.

Can't think of anything different to say or suggest that hasn't already been posted, but wanted to let you know I care.

thank you Azalysa. having a bad day today. reading your post felt like a hug.
too much going on right now. trying to keep it together, but not sure if i can.