my background (long)

This is my first post on a forum here so i'll just give you some background about me and my depression, so here it goes...

From what I can remember, my depression first started when I was very young, probably around jr. high. I was a little over weight and I didn't fit in with the popular girls. I felt inferior to them and nervous around them. I have always had a self-esteem issue.
When I got to high school things started out okay then quickly plummeted, my older brother was always the straight A student and became a popular athlete so I felt like he was the favorite in the family. It made me feel like nothing I did was ever good enough. I was in sports and I was decent but that didn't matter, it wasn't good enough, ever.

Looking back is difficult for me, I have hard time recalling what happened, I have the tendency to block out the parts of my life that gave me any kind discomfort, but I'll keep trying...

My first year of high school I played softball and played pretty well, a starter on third base on an undefeated team, but at the same time I never felt like part of the team, the other girls were all friends and I was often in the background, watching, wishing I was like them.
So I quit sports my sophomore year and got a job instead. My last 2 years of high school were the worst, my grades started to slip and my depression became a daily occurrence. But I was still sane, I found things to keep me busy like working and driving here doing this and that, those things kept my mind off my problems.
After High school, i continued to work at the gym, being a personal trainer and then later at another gym as a personal training sales manager, which i succeeded in and was promoted. I couldn't take the stress and demand of the company so one day I broke and quit. I decided i would do something I could be proud of and prepared for, I was accepted to a design school in chicago. Everything seemed to be looking up in life. Everything was going so well that it struck me as odd, very odd. So I got an apartment on the north side of the city with my boyfriend and got a kitten. Things were great!! (for a short time...) as soon as we moved in I was homesick and depressed more than ever, but I thought I would just get over it as soon as i got used to things, well I thought wrong. It's funny... A place that I wanted to get out of so bad is the place I miss so much. I feel trapped, isolated from the world. I'm in a place with so many people and so much to do but when you're alone and don't know where to go and what to do, it's hard to leave my apartment. Besides the grocery store and school. I feel so alone. On top of things, I don't have any close knit friends that I can call for support, or to come visit. I pace and cry for no reason, more than usual. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Another thing that could have some kind of affect could be that I never really had a mother figure to be a mentor. She was there, physically, but she was always working or sick and we never did much together. It's hard not to blame her a little, but I can't because I know she just did what she had to do, and I respect her for that. But maybe things would have been different if we had a stronger relationship.
I have big problems in talking about my problems, and if I even try to come up with some words to explain to someone i start to cry.
On the bus I think about how alone and unhappy I am, and there the tears go... I cant find anything that makes me happy. I don't even like to workout anymore, i used to lift weights everyday!! and now i have no interest!! I feel empty and that I'm letting myself go and I'm letting this disease beat me!!! All I want is to be normal, to find happiness in something. I hope one day i can find it.

Sorry so long. Thanks for listening. <3

Thank you for sharing part of your story. My story is different but I can so relate to feeling like I never fit in and to the ever present loneliness.

You didn't mention any counseling or medication. I've dealt with depression all my adult life and counseling and at different times medication was vital. I would have been lost without it. Even after more than 40 years of living with depression I know the signs that point to getting help. I can manage it mostly on my own now but when the dark helplessness creeps in for more than a few weeks it's time to get help. Part of my depression is chemical. My brain doesn't produce any of those 'feel good' chemicals so sometimes it needs help.

The other factor in my depression is my thoughts. I used to live and make choices based on so many faulty beliefs about myself, others and the world. I couldn't see anything good about myself, I was unable to trust anyone, always expecting them to hurt me and then leave, and early in life I came to believe I had to take care of myself. So I had this wall up and wouldn't let anyone in. I wanted people yet wouldn't let them in.

Guess what I'm getting at is this; I can't just wake up and will my depression away, I need help sometimes and I need to examine my thoughts, beliefs and attitudes to see how they are feeding my depression. I had several great counselors to help me sort it all out.

I hope coming here and sharing will be beneficial for you. You are not alone and the folks here are caring and there is wisdom to be found when we all share our journeys.

Judy

Hi OS, so your only human connection is with your bf? To me it sounds like you just didn't learn how to connect with others. This stuff can be learned! I did it! Plus it sounds like you have a bunch of hurts stuffed down that are trying their darndest to come out. Have you tried therapy?

Welcome! Glad you are here.....

OS19, I add my welcome and I'm glad you found us.
Thank you for sharing. It shows your strength and determination to know more peace...

Judy shared some wonderful advice with you, and I sincerely hope you find direction within her words.
There is so much you can do to help yourself...baby steps, at first, but it's forward movement.
Sannah pointed out some good things to consider.
It may feel like a lot to handle right now, it's not the easiest thing to begin, but it is worth every bit of the struggle.

Most of us, including myself, can identify with your feelings, OS. Please accept our support and encouragement...we're sharing what has worked for us. Perhaps you will find things that will help you start your healing process.

Cap

Thank you Judy for your support, and no I have not gotten any kind of medication or therapy, yet. The problem for me is that I have a hard time admitting, to my parents especially, that I have a problem. i am not very open with my parents and we aren't close. I need them because even if I just went to a therapist they would find out because being a full time student at 19 I am on their insurance, they wouldn't overlook any medication they did not know about. I thought i would start here and get some advice/help to see if a therapist was necessary, and go from there. Please keep in touch nd thank you very much.

Hi OldSoul.

I take it that you are 19 years old?

Hmm, it'll be ok. Depression's like hole. You're there now but you can get yourself out of there. You said that you used to like to work-out? Get there again. (I have the same problem). Working out produces "feel good" chemicals in your brain, & it can help tremendously with depression. It sounds like a good deal of your depression is rooted in self-dialogue. I realize your brother was "the golden child". But, dear, realize that you have just as much merit. I look forward to getting to know you better. I'm new to this site, also, by the way.

I'll make a deal with you. I'll promise to go the gym everyday/every other day, if you do too? Time to get ourselves out of the hole. It's a start.

I've been right where you are. I fought getting help tooth and nail. I think it's time for you to stop fighting it. Your last paragraph is exactly where I was when I finally saw a doctor. I was at the end of my rope. If you are like me, Just posting your story on this site and seeing the responses.....knowing that you aren't alone, made you feel a little better. Please keep posting on here with updates. Your story is SO similar to mine that I'm interested in how it works out for you. Maybe I can learn something from you that will further help me. Well Wishes, Cajun