[ThePainNeverDies]

I have tried so f*cking hard!! So hard to be ok, so hard to be positive!! But no, no-one can just help me along with it, they just keep pushing me harder and harder to make me be negative and depressed again..

All I want is to just die.. It's what I must deserve.. Why don't they just get that I'm stressed to ***** and taht I need a little help? Not more stressing out! Come on, I even wet the bed!! At 17? I'm so embarrassed.. Twice I've wet the bed because of stress.. I make sure I don'tdrink a single thing before bed.. And I go to the loo just before anyway.. My head's itching like crazy, causing my hair to fall out because of stress..

I'm so, so damned fed up! Fed up of the stress, fed up of the arguing, fed up of the ****, fed up of LIFE.

I just want to cry, then cut, then take some pills, then cut some more and be left to die.. Or for a friend to come and care for me, take me to hospital, stay with me, look after me a bit.. Instead of dumping me on some sh*tty nurse who won't bother doing stitches when my cuts need it, "because you'll pull them out" when, in fact it's because she just can't be f*cked!!

I hate it.

I just want to die it's what everyone wants.

[reddevil]

I don't want you to die.

[nowheretorun]

hi Pain.. the pain will die before you do if you let it... we have several recovering depressed people at PC.. everyone of them felt like you do at some point..

we are a group of survivors ive fondly dubbed 'those who never give up!' ..

please call emergency for yourself and do the best caring thing you are able to as needed..

sometimes we all have felt alone and needed someone to listen... and when someone actually does, its so cool!

welcome to PC and we all look forward to sharing in your miraculous recovery!

[cantstopcrying]

No, no dying. The world hasn't seen all your beauty yet, hasn't been moved by your music, you haven't touched the hearts of everyone you are meant to touch yet. Take a deep, deep breath, walk away from the tools you use, the pills you take. Take a shower and cry it out, dry off and pick up your pencil and write it out, make those beautiful, painful notes come out in a song. A song of pain, of torture and of healing. Because you will heal.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((thepainneverdies)))))))))))))))

I know. I have been there. I hear you.
There are other answers, other ways out.

Be safe, be kind to yourself.
You do not deserve this pain.

ktgirl

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((thepainneverdies))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry that you are hurting so much. It is so hard when you are in so much pain and not feeling supported. Do you have a t or someone to help provide support? A school councellor? It really sounds like you could use someone to talk to. Know I am here and I understand. Please try to stay safe. I care.

BB

[snowflakes]

((((((((((pain))))))))))

Hi there! I am so sorry your feeling this. But let me just remind you that we are all here to listen to if you need someone to talk with. But let me just tell you pain that you, having a recurrence of symptoms/relapse needs to take your medicine for at least 6 months after you feel better to keep you from getting depressed again. If this is not the first time you have been depressed, your doctor may want you to take these medicines even longer. What I can give you is that try to be strong. Try to eat a well balanced diet, avoid alcohol, get some excercise and get a quality sleep. And who knows? All those bad feelings that you are experiencing right now will die down. Just dont let self-destruct. We all care for you. Plus, It may also be helpful if you obtain social support from family and friends which I think that you have already done by allowing us to know and coming in to this site. As for us here in PC, you are not alone. We are all here ready to support you.
Godbless and always keepsafe and always put a smile on your face! Ingat!!!(Take care!)

[multipixie9]

dear someone,

i am so sorry that you are alone and unsupported. i know what that feels like. right now my husband is totally unsupportive and it hurts me where i live. BUT, i do have people here who are supporting me and I will be happy to be supportive of you. when i was 17 i just wanted someone to notice that i was so miserable and unhappy and nobody gave a d***. i can't call you "the pain never dies" because i really don't believe that. you are a somebody to me, not a pain. you can PM me and rant and i will listen. i will choose to care. i can do that for you now, though sometimes i still struggle very hard myself.

please remember you are IN pain - you are NOT the pain. i am glad you spoke up here, you are a survivor, there's a spark of fire lit inside you still, let us all fan the flame until you can keep it lit on your own. hugs,

leslie

[ThePainNeverDies]

I do have a psychiatrist, but since I missed our last meeting and couldn't get hold of her, because she hasn't given me any means of contacting her.. She has my address and number, yet hasn't contacted me in 5 weeks.. Just goes to show how unimportant I am and how little she'd miss me if I died..

I have no family.. I have only one friend, who has let me down.. I thought she was my best friend, but no.. I realise now that she's not because I can't talk to her about absolutely everything.. The person more likely to be a best friend to me, is Sky.. Someone I met on another forum, whom I have known for a few months now, who lives in London and who has been there for me through some pretty darn tough times.. Yet, I feel like a burden to her, to everyone..

My family? Here goes.. At the age of a week old, I almost died from bronchitis. At the age of 3, my parents split up and my Father committed suicide, my Mum was an alcoholic by then. At the same age, my twin, me, my brother and other sister were all fostered. At the age of 5, we were adopted.. My Twin and I to Shana and Patrick and my Brother and other Sister, to Joe and Sally.. At the age of 5 was when My Twin (Bryony) and I were adopted. At the age of ten, my adoptive brother (Sahan and Patrick's biological son), sexually abused me.. Now, at the age of ten, someone who's 13, nearly 14 teaching you such things, you don't know whether it's wrong or right, you think it is because you're being taught it by an elder.. Right? Wrong.. He asked me for sex. I said no, that was when I knew all he'd done to me was wrong.. He kept asking and asking.. I said I was scared of getting pregnant.. He said "you've not started your periods yet, have you?" "No..." "Then there's no way you'll get pregnant" still, he didn't get his way.. Then, him and my twin, who knew about it, threatened me.. Told me not to tell anyone at all, or they'd beat me to a pulp, kill me.. So for 6 years I held onto that.. Until for the first time, I told a teacher I trusted at my school, a partially trained counsellor, who taught at the school.. She was so helpful..

At the age of 14, I had my ex ask me for sex. I wasn't ready, but he was, he wouldn't take no for an answer.. Luckily, I escaped before anything happened, but he got close.. Too close.

15, Connor and I got together and slowly, my life unraveled before his eyes.. I told him everything. It took me over 6 months to learn to trust him, well.. Over a year.. He noticed I was down, asked what was wrong, but I wouldn't say.. I couldn't say.. This was the day of our one year anniversary, how could I tell him? I told him and he was fuming..

16, my adoptive parents kicked me out at 9.30 at night, after I'd found my own personal journal entries in their room and confronted them about it. They'd been caught out and didn't like it.. They threw me into a solid pine and glass door, then I was flung across the kitchen, into the corner of a unit, taking a chunk out of my hip. I went to get my phone, Connor was due to call.. Came back down and Shana was stood holding the door open. OUT!! She screamed. "You- You're.. you're kicking me out?" "GET OUT!!! NOW!" That was it, she grabbed me, dragged me out of the door and slammed it shut on my back.. 'click'. The door was locked.

I ran to the only place I knew I could possibly be safe. The park. Connor called and I broke down, the police came and got me and spoke to Shana and Pat. They told them I punched her. I didn't. But they didn't listen. I stayed at Connor's for a week, got a place in a supported housing place and am there a year on, still getting s*** from them. They can't just let me move on..

That's only a snippet of my life..

I know now that I'll not be able to move on from that because of the unconditional love I now have missing in my life. I have love from Connor, my partner, but not love from friends and family.. That is a huge void in my life and always will be, but the friends love will grow I know that.. Unconditional love will be a huge void.. Something I'll never get because I've no family.. Even though I have started to see my birth Mother, because of the 14 years that were missed out.. The 14 years that we've not had to build a bond. I feel like she's just a normal person to me, but I know that she's my Mum and I feel a slight bond between us, but not the strong bond that all Mothers and Children should feel..

I feel lost, hurt, torn a[part, killed, broken, nothingness, numb.. Like death.

What the hell do I do? I feel like I'm only ever going to keep being let down.. I've been let down too many times in my life and everytime something new happens that makes me happy, or feel better, I get let down again..

[nowheretorun]

hi Pain, sending caring thoughts for your situation.. those are some really hard things to have to deal with... i know much of it makes no sense to you and you are struggling now trying to understand...

i get the sense that you have tried really hard in life and you've had some unkind experiences happen to you.. yes, i know thats a mild way of putting it..

i say it mildly because we are talking here about some real serious stuff that has you in a place of feeling very hopeless about your future...

i wont disagree that that is a lot of awful stuff in a short life, but i want to emphasize something for you..

it has so far been a very short life...

time is really your friend but it doesnt seem like it right now...

thankfully you found a place to stay and you have Connor.... you have us and you have your local support community... no, it doesnt add up to unconditional love in your current view of thngs, but thats the way its supposed to be right now for you... not sure why, just working with it...

you are the pilot of your own vessel in some ways, and in other ways we rely on the strength and hope of other individuals around us...

there is no shame in this.... we all can help each other somehow, i firmly believe it, and there is someone who can reach you... in time...

dont let yourself believe that good and true love can never happen for you if you can avoid it... there's always hope as long as we breathe...

you have a lot of sensitivity and many times that is our dark enemy if we let our inner voice tell us things that will eventually cause us great harm...

you can still stay on course to a productive future though you cannot fix the past...

sending hope to you..

[ThePainNeverDies]

That's all I ever do, is think positive, force myself to be happy, show people that yes, I am trying.. But no, when I have an effing down day.. I get shouted at for it like I do it all the f*cking time!! It's unfair!! I have been so positive for what.. nearly 3 weeks now? I had a bad dream on Saturday night and woke up in tears.. That spoiled my weekend a bit because it was a really happy dream, but waking up ruined it because it put me back into the here and now, and the reality where the dream wasn't real and I felt that same empty hole I've felt for years..

I know there's time to have good and true love happen and I believe I have found true love.. But the person I am in love with and am in a relationship with just doesn't get that.. I have tried so, so hard to make him happy, to make me feel better and him, to make me feel happier.. On Sunday, I bought some nice chocolates, dressed really nicely, did my makeup really nicely and made such an effort with my hair and everything about the way I looked... I bought some stuff to cook dinner and puuding, got home and he didn't seem to notice. Just said "You do know that I think you're beautiful, don't you?" That was generalised.. He didn't comment on my hair, my makeup, the effort with the clothes, so it just made it seem so pointless.. I have had a down day today and already, he's gotten angry and ranted to me about always being dramatic, how I haven't had a crap weekend, how I'm getting some good things happening... etc etc etc. BUT. I told him how I fetl, which normally I don't.. No.. He didn't give a flying s**t about that, all he cared about was the fact that I'd been happy since nearly 3 weeks ago, up until now.. It took him out of that comfort of knowing that I was being positive. He took advantage of that fact and now is paying for it and he doesn't like it..

If I don't tell him how I feel, he gets annoyed, if I do tell him when I'm feeling down, he gets annoyed and acts like I do it all of the time.. So how the hell do I win???!!

How do I deal with this? I don't know what to do.. I love him so much, but sometimes I feel like I could hate him for the way he treats me.. I'm worried about him because stress is making him physically sick.. I am taking on so many other people's troubles at the moment, but that's just to cover up my own problems to deal with them when I'm ready..

I feel like a good person for doing that, but no.. He says I'm wrong in doing thta.. I feel like a better person for doing it, it makes me feel happier.. Does that not matter? Maybe it brings me down sometimes, but maybe that's because I just like to be able to help and sometimes feel like I can't.. Everyone gets like that. Don't they?

sorry, rant over.. I'll quit complaining now. *phew*

[cantstopcrying]

You know I don't think you are ranting or complaining. Thank you for sharing those hard and horrible years of your life with us. It was said beautifully that yours is such a young life. I know, I know you don't want to live it any more, you don't see the reason. I've told you before that you have a spark, a talent and a beauty that can be seen without ever having seen you. You have passion and strength and strength of character. Read back over your posts stating all you've been through and you'll see that in all the pain there is strength. You want to feel happy, you want to make others happy. Make you happy, do things for you. Trust me, I haven't changed my mood icon from "lonely" in a long time, so I know how crappy it feels to be alone, but sometimes its easier to heal if you are only trying to heal yourself and not the rest of the world, too. I know you love Connor, but is in a place to be able to give you the respect you deserve, or is he hurting too? You can't fix him, honey. But you can fix you. Believe in you. I do.

[ThePainNeverDies]

That's the thing.. I only ever want to help others.. Because I know I can.. But I just can't help myself.. I feel like my singing is even failing now.. College.. I can't even learn the songs.. I just don't get the time anymore, I'm too busy trying to help others, I mean.. Teaching others singing now.. That's another thing.. I suppose I could teach them the songs that I'm trying to learn, but they wouldn't neccessarily want to learn them..

he is in a place to be able to give mke what I need, but he just doesn't think abotu what I need, doesn't think about what he knows will help.. It's like he avoids it and then gets annoyed with me for posting something similar to my original post here, on another forum that he's on.. Because it scares the s**t out of him.. I have told him, he chooses to read it, I don't make him.. So he can choose not to read it and just wait for me to talk to him, see that there's a post on the site and ask about it.. Then I'll tell him about it..

The voices, the people that belong to the voices.. They make me have to hurt myself.. They tell me that if I don't hurt myself now, they'll hurt me every day that I don't obey their demands..

I'm completely stuck, I don't know what to do..

[bipolar_bear]

Please get hold of your pdoc. Somehow you got hold of her intitally didn't you? Doesn't she have an office number? I think it will be very beneficial for you to have the chance to talk to her and let her konw what is going on with you. I am sorry things are so hard.

BB

[Capp]

I am so very sorry you are hurting so badly!
Please follow the advice about contacting your psychiatrist...
A random thought here, but if you are on meds then they may need to be adjusted.
Feeling overwhelmed and so full of anger is probably some of the worst things we can feel--along with the helplessness that comes from feeling we have no control over anything.
If there is any way possible, find someone who can help you walk through these feelings...loneliness stinks.

We care about you! Many of us have been in the same kind of hell and could not see a way out.

I salute the courage you have shown by sharing with us.
It may not have felt like it but the strength you had within you to survive the abuse is commendable.
Perhaps you can now use that to help you get to a place where you feel safe...

Please keep sharing--it lessens the power these things have over you when you refuse to keep them secret.

I care...the details of our abuse are different, but many of the affects are the same. With the unconditional love of and support of those who have survived, you will find self respect and a measure of peace.

Cap

[ThePainNeverDies]

I saw her today and it was just like an ordinary conversation with friends.. How are things? How did you deal with such and such a situation? I think you dealt with them quite sensibly.. How crappy is that?? But.. At least I understand myself, even if she doesn't.

I have had my meds adjusted quite a few times and just been put on a higher dose about 5 days ago now.. But.. I guess it would help to have a change yet again.. I have an online friend, who I am very close to.. She's the only person I can talk to about anything.. But I can't always get hold of he, but.. it's always good when we have a chat.

I just need people to talk to who have been through it, that's all. Just helps a little bit more, you know?

It sucks. I suck.

[nowheretorun]

it sucks, but not you and you can change things.. either in your perceptions or reality... try to bring into focus which of your wants/dreams are now achievable.. let yourself get there in steps.... practice lots of kindness to yourself, such as halting negative thinking and replacing it with something more positive, such as ok, ok, i didnt get everything done, but i got this done, instead of blank generalizations that everything sucks, tell yourself its this thing that sucks, but there is still good available and i can have some now.. then take some time, enjoy something, one small thing is enuf... then you can go back to thinking about everything that sucks but you have just had one good enuf moment.. those can really help when they begin to add up... dont give up...

see your doc as needed and as able.. get IRL support happening for the times you are unable to connect with current life lines....

[ThePainNeverDies]

All I've tried to do is change my attitude to life, it's all I've wanted to do for the 5 f***ing years I've been like this, this nasty, conniving, depressed little *****.

I have no IRL support that I trust enough.. My psychiatrist is rubbish, see doesn't even see how s**t I'm feeling, how much I'm trying, but feeling like a failure.. She doesn't get it, she doesn't even know what the hell she's doing..I thought she helped.. But now, I see that she doesn't.. Not anymore.. She just acts like everything is easy to resolve, the voices, the people after me, everything..

How can she say it's easy? How can she say that me wanting to die, slashing myself to pieces, f***ing up even more.. How?

What's left to do now? I'm extremely unstable, yet I have no-one to talk to, no-one to trust, no-one to.. Just know is there for me.. No-one at all.. I've never opened up so much, I always make out I'm fine, but this time, I just can't hold it in anymore, I've burst, like a big, fat, ugly bubble..

They tell me to kill, or harm someone, or myself.. If I don't they will hurt me more and more each day, they demand it of me.. They're screaming at me for telling all of you this, they're screeching at me, saying I WILL starve tomorrow and for as long as I can possibly get away with.. So I will.. It's easy.. Just don't eat, I've done it before, I can do it again.. No more miss fat *****. That's what they say.. Piggy, look at you eating that.. Ugh, you make me sick.. Starve *****, die!!

See??

I feel like you're all seeing me as crazy now.. Maybe I should just delete this.. Say I'm ok and then everything will be fine again..

Sorry

[cantstopcrying]

But it won't be fine...you won't be. Crazy, no? In need of help? Yes. What about that really nice nurse you met? Can you find her?

can you call a help line or your T now...
It sounds like you need help now
not crazy just in need of help .now
remember self care
there is the crisis line too
or if you are feeling you are going to harm you... call 911
please help you
you are worth it
muffy

[nowheretorun]

((Pain)))) no one here thinks you can just snap out of it.. we know about the stuff that makes us feel so low we want to give up.. we know about cycling and feeling like you describe.. its just that we have been working on feeling better and now there is some payoff for us... if you want, come and talk with us a little more.. you'll find that what is most important is the opinions you hold inside, whether they are correct or not they will influence us accordingly..

keep trying... being kind to self never goes out of style, be sensible and healthy to yourself also..

we can look into our own eyes and find the kindness we need when times are this bad... see eyes of caring and concern, eyes that understand the inner pain.. you are doing what you can, something we all have done... reaching out and asking for help, getting the feelings out of you to someplace else where they lose thier power on you... maybe writing all that gave you some feelings of peace? i hope so, sending caring thoughts always...

[ThePainNeverDies]

I don't know what to say.. I feel like I've just ruined everything..

Everything.. My whole useless, worthless life.. I have nothing to live for.. Everyone I know wants me gone. Everyone IRL.

[cantstopcrying]

Live for YOU.

[nowheretorun]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

I don't know what to say.. I feel like I've just ruined everything..

Everything.. My whole useless, worthless life.. I have nothing to live for.. Everyone I know wants me gone. Everyone IRL.

this is not truth hon.. you feel that way yes, but it is not truth... sending cares..

[ThePainNeverDies]

How is it not the truth, when.. I just keep upsetting my boyfriend and he's been contemplating breaking up with me for months now? And when college is rubbish, I have lost people that I thought were my friends.. And I can't talk to anyone..

All I have to live for is my music, and even that is rubbish.. I can't write songs anymore, what the hell? I'm supposed to be a singer/songwriter!!

I didn't make it through day two.. Yesterday.. I ended up needing stitches. First time for everything eh? So that's got my boyfriend angry.. He just doesn't get it. Yes, it hurts him and it's putting a strain on him, all the s**t I'm going through.. But does he not think how much of an impact it'sall had on me? All the crap I'm going through and have been through?

I wish my foster Dad and my birth Dad were still alive.. Maybe then things would be okay.. Then I'd have someplace safe to go, to stop such things happening..

I don't know.

Just in so much pain this morning and I have a headache, I'm weak, tired, ill, anxious.. I don't know what to do with myself at all..

Nothing's helping, so what the hell do I do?