[lifelesstraveled]

I don't know where to put this, but I am posting here. I am at a point where I don't want to do this anymore. I am tired of putting up with the BS. Whenever I try to move forward something pulls me back. In an effort to push through my social anxiety I tried to make plans to spend some time with a friend I haven't seen in ages and I get bailed on twice in one week. We'd originally set a date for Wednesday, then she said oh well I am going out to eat in the city, I will give you a call by or before Friday to set the plans. I never heard from her.I am beginning to think there is something wrong me. I have a job I hate, I am living in a city I hate and Im 400 miles away from the guy I have been dating for 3 years now and I miss him. He's really all I have...him and my sister. I feel safe with him (despite is temper, which is rarely directed at me). I feel like I can be myself with him. I can strip myself of the masks and just be myself. My twin sister is my absolute best friend. She was all I had growing up. She is my only connection to life. The only reason I am still here.

I feel like a complete failure. I have a family full of execs and lawyers and IT geeks, and entrepreneurs and I'm nobody. I hate going to family functions where everyone wants to know what I am doing with my life and the second I finish telling them, they walk away. Guess my life or what I do isnt interesting enough to them when they can go talk to my VP sister who's getting ready to start her own consulting firm. I just don't feel good enough for anyone. Im no one anyone wants to know. And I don't blame them cuz I have nothing going on. I have spent my entire life just being "there"--- almost invisible and my lack of childhood memories proves that. I haven't made an impact in anyones lives at all. I am just sucking the life out of them. I'm tired of being overlooked unless someone wants something from me, unless I can be of use to someone, then thats when my phone rings and it's never to find out how I am doing--it's to get something from me or they trying to get in touch with someone else. If it weren't for the guy I am dating, I wouldn't even have that stupid phone and I could be saving 90 dollars a month! When my mom talks about my sisters she talks about them with this huge proud smile on her face and I wonder if she ever says anything about me...probably not. I really don't care though. I've never had a good relationship with her. She never took much of an interest in me. I always wondered what was it about my older sisters that enabled her to have a relationship with them and not me...It probably had something to do with her regretting having married my father, but it's not like I asked to be here.

I just want to run away.

I want to run away to a mountain side cabin where there's only catalog shopping and i have to chop my own firewood to heat my home, travel 20 miles to get my mail, if anyone cares to send any, from the post office because it's too dangerous to deliver mail to someone who lives on the side of a mountain. Eventually I will either be taken by the elements, be eaten alive by a bear while chopping wood, die of loneliness in the company of my 5 cats and two birds.----OKAY thats a little extreme, but the point is I will probably end up alone for the rest of my life and if that's that case why not just go somewhere and hide until I die...no one will care anyways....

I am just sooooo tired of living my life waiting and hoping to die everyday. I hate feeling disconnected. I hate living like this and I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this! Empty and numb and just being "there". There are chunks of me missing and I don't think any amount of therapy will bring them back or give me what I probably never had... Everyone around me is living and loving life and I just can't get into the swing of things. I wonder what it's like on the other side. I wonder what it's like to be happy and full of emotion. I wonder what everything looks like. There's probably clarity and a sense of peace and love and contentment and a vision of the future...I can only imagine what it's like, I have no idea of what's really on the other side.

Sorry if there's tons of typos or if everything seems jumbled. My mind feels jumbled....

[stefano]

I know, I know. My story is different, but the feeling of passing through life like an irrelevant shadow is well known. And also, I like your mountain retirement, it sounds nice!
And I hate my job too! Nice to meeet you

By the way, spend less time with your family if you can. At a certain point the family is poison, this seems the case IMHO.

[MINIME]

ok so about the mountain thing.......can i come visit alot? LOL. Im sorry that its so hard now. The thing is that I have learned is that in our bleakest moments just when we feel we cant do any more someone comes. Things change so fast and tomarrow is a new chance for something better. somedays I sit and think how much of this can I take how much more can I do and then somehow i keep going and slowly things seem to fall into place. You need to look at how you look at u. (dont throw something at me) I hate when people say that to me, so sorry but maybe its true. maybe your a highly sensative person like me and you view the world different then other people...we see thing in life no one else sees and that makes it harder. I dont know. I just wanted to let u know I am here I read your writing and I am trying to connect with you.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( lifelesstraveled )))))))))))))))))))
I also dream of a life in isolation in the middle of the wilderness but there would be people that would miss the both of us. I also experience the only getting calls when someone needs something, occasionally someone will call to see how I am doing and it totally freaks me out, I figure that they want something. I don't know any words to really make you feel better I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and if you disappeared and quit posting I would miss reading your posts.

[oneinleftfield]

Wow, I thought I was the only black sheep in the family. You aren't alone and I don't think this makes you feel better but I kind of understand. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
Do you suffer from depression? Are you going to a T or Dr? Just asking.
Thinking of visiting my family after Christmas is freaking me out. I'm the gay, drug addict, single mom, never married, not a home owner,tattooed, blue collar, etc. kid in the family. I have to hear, when are you going back to school so often I'm thinking about printing an index card and handing it out when they ask.
I know it hurts.
I know when your friends cancel it hurts and I'm sorry for this. Maybe don't get rid of them but maybe add some new ones?
Thinking of you,

[lifelesstraveled]

Stefano: thanks!Its nice to know Im not the only one who feels invisible, i was beginning to think maybe I was losing my mind in feeling like that...

Minime: Thanks for the kind words! You can come visit anytime! LOL...but its hard to think of better days when everything/everyday is just never right. And no one comes. No one has come, ever. Its just starting to get to me. I need to look at how I look at me? Well ,I i look at myself in a negative light all the time. I always have, but it stems from how I grew up i guess. I know that I do that, and I need to stop but it's hard to do stop it when I've been conditioned for so long to feeling irrelevant and invisible unless I was being screamed at to do something or having my feelings shot down or told my thoughts or ideas or opinions were wrong or dumb. I know that I am a good person. Im patient (extremely), i love to help people. But the negative over shadow the positive...I dont know im just so lost.

Gimmeice: Hope you had a good weekend! Thanks for your kind words. Again, it's nice to know Im not alone. I just hate feeling like this. I feel like I have been this way for so long. Im scared I will be like this forever. And the thought of being this way forever terrifies me and makes me think dont want to be this way forever....

Oneinleftfield: Thanks! I haven't been officially diagnosed yet, I took one of those intake surveys and the behavioral health company affiliate with my insurance company contacted me and wanted discuss other resources available to me(i received a letter in the mail. I missed their call I guess). I am seeing a T, and she is advising medication. My thing with that is i have body image issues and I know some medications cause weight gain...

Yea with the holidays coming around, I just don't want to go to any of the functions. I will prob end up staying at home alone for turkey day. As much as I hate being alone, I just dont want to deal with it. i I used to LOVE the holidays. It was the one time of the year my family was some semblance of a family and I loved going to the functions. Now, I feel like such a failure as it is and then I get around my family and it makes it worse. When they ask what's going on with my life and work etc. I dont have much to say. I am working and trying live. I dont have an exciting job--im not a vp or exec, I am not having kids or getting married (at least not yet anyways), I dont own a home and probably won't for a while, I havent traveled anywhere exotic or done something extraordinary. Then they wanna know if I am going back to school etc. The answers are usually brief and obviously this isn't interesting enough so they end up finding someone else to talk to. Im just completely different from them. Deep in my mind I am secure with getting by. All I want to do is be happy and I can't even get the right...sigh. Im an absolute disaster LOL.

And it's hard making new friends at 25 almost 26.Plus I have social anxiety, which doesnt make it any better. My friends are good people and I am blessed to have them, especially since i havent been much of a good friend, as i havent really spent time with them in almost a year. They have every right to break up with me and I couldnt and wouldnt even be mad at them.. But when I finally make an effort they cancel on me TWICE.... I guess Im not upset that she bailed on me. I kind of expected it. I am starting to think something is wrong with me. Maybe something everyone else sees but me? I dont know. I just want to run away or go to sleep and never wake up.

**Sigh...I feel like i just completely complained here--I hate it when I do that, sorry. I tend to apologize a lot. I dont know why I do it. Sorry...**

[skeeweeaka]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

Stefano: thanks!Its nice to know Im not the only one who feels invisible, i was beginning to think maybe I was losing my mind in feeling like that...

Minime: Thanks for the kind words! You can come visit anytime! LOL...but its hard to think of better days when everything/everyday is just never right. And no one comes. No one has come, ever. Its just starting to get to me. I need to look at how I look at me? Well ,I i look at myself in a negative light all the time. I always have, but it stems from how I grew up i guess. I know that I do that, and I need to stop but it's hard to do stop it when I've been conditioned for so long to feeling irrelevant and invisible unless I was being screamed at to do something or having my feelings shot down or told my thoughts or ideas or opinions were wrong or dumb. I know that I am a good person. Im patient (extremely), i love to help people. But the negative over shadow the positive...I dont know im just so lost.

Gimmeice: Hope you had a good weekend! Thanks for your kind words. Again, it's nice to know Im not alone. I just hate feeling like this. I feel like I have been this way for so long. Im scared I will be like this forever. And the thought of being this way forever terrifies me and makes me think dont want to be this way forever....

Oneinleftfield: Thanks! I haven't been officially diagnosed yet, I took one of those intake surveys and the behavioral health company affiliate with my insurance company contacted me and wanted discuss other resources available to me(i received a letter in the mail. I missed their call I guess). I am seeing a T, and she is advising medication. My thing with that is i have body image issues and I know some medications cause weight gain...

Yea with the holidays coming around, I just don't want to go to any of the functions. I will prob end up staying at home alone for turkey day. As much as I hate being alone, I just dont want to deal with it. i I used to LOVE the holidays. It was the one time of the year my family was some semblance of a family and I loved going to the functions. Now, I feel like such a failure as it is and then I get around my family and it makes it worse. When they ask what's going on with my life and work etc. I dont have much to say. I am working and trying live. I dont have an exciting job--im not a vp or exec, I am not having kids or getting married (at least not yet anyways), I dont own a home and probably won't for a while, I havent traveled anywhere exotic or done something extraordinary. Then they wanna know if I am going back to school etc. The answers are usually brief and obviously this isn't interesting enough so they end up finding someone else to talk to. Im just completely different from them. Deep in my mind I am secure with getting by. All I want to do is be happy and I can't even get the right...sigh. Im an absolute disaster LOL.

And it's hard making new friends at 25 almost 26.Plus I have social anxiety, which doesnt make it any better. My friends are good people and I am blessed to have them, especially since i havent been much of a good friend, as i havent really spent time with them in almost a year. They have every right to break up with me and I couldnt and wouldnt even be mad at them.. But when I finally make an effort they cancel on me TWICE.... I guess Im not upset that she bailed on me. I kind of expected it. I am starting to think something is wrong with me. Maybe something everyone else sees but me? I dont know. I just want to run away or go to sleep and never wake up.

**Sigh...I feel like i just completely complained here--I hate it when I do that, sorry. I tend to apologize a lot. I dont know why I do it. Sorry...**

I'm sorry that you are feeling like this, but as you see you are not alone... I also feel the same way, invisible! I have isolated myself and I must say I don't really think that is the thing to do. I think we have to challenge ourselves, especially during the holidays, to get out there in the family events and try to have a good time as best we can.

I understand the feeling that people don't particularly want to be around you... For me I believe it is because I am so negative and people don't really want to be around negative people, they want upbeat, positive people to be around. That is why, I am sure, my friends don't call me anymore... It seems I have the same old story to tell and there is nothing new to report.

I just told someone this past week that I just wanted to run away, just go and keep driving. Unfortunately, as stated there are those people who will miss us. The work is not with other people, it is with ourselves....at least for me it is!

Hopefully we can all support each other in getting through these difficult periods... If anyone wants to talk please message me any time... I'm always lonely!

TJ

[lifelesstraveled]

Thanks Skeeweeaka Honestly, I try to be positive all the time. It's a mask I wear. I just can't bring myself to talk to anyone about my problems, mainly because i dont have anyone who really cares. Plus I dont particularly like talking about myself. I am currently seeing a T and it's excruciating for me to sit there and talk about myself. I hate it. I come on PC and do it because I guess I feel safe here to vent.

My family is a whole other issue. They are no fun to be around for me. I feel about the size of an ant around them. As each year goes by the smaller and smaller I feel. It's just not comfortable for me. It's painful too sit around and watch everyone happy and successful in life--gushing over their children and fabulous jobs, how so and so is at an ivy league school pursuing a masters, watching my mom gush over my two older sisters and say nothing about me. And then having them ask me about myself. It's embarassing. I just dont want witness it this year. I dont know.

[Sannah]

Hi Life, sorry for your distress. You say that your family asks you about yourself and then you tell us how you don't like to talk about yourself. I'll bet your discomfort of you talking about yourself comes across loud and clear. People usually get uncomfortable around people who are uncomfortable. They just might be taking your lead? It also sounds like you don't start any conversations yourself?

I see you giong along with life without you taking any control over it. What is holding you back?

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi Life, sorry for your distress. You say that your family asks you about yourself and then you tell us how you don't like to talk about yourself. I'll bet your discomfort of you talking about yourself comes across loud and clear. People usually get uncomfortable around people who are uncomfortable. They just might be taking your lead? It also sounds like you don't start any conversations yourself?

I see you giong along with life without you taking any control over it. What is holding you back?

I start conversations, but somehow they always end up back to me no matter how hard I try to divert it. I hate attention on me. But it's hard to be comfortable with myself when I have a family full of successful lawyers and VPs and entrepreneurs...it's itimitdating and embarrassing. I don't want them to know that I am failure, so I beat around bush and try to take the attention off of me. It also stems from growing up in parents who didnt take much interest in me ( i dont know if you've read any of my posts in the PC forums about it). No one ever cared about how my day was or how I was feeling. So I spent most of my time with my twin sister or by myself feeling completely unwanted. I'd go days without talking to my parents or seeing them (i think almost 6 days had gone by when I was keeping track of the days) and we were all living under the same roof. We are just disconnected. And I have carried that with me into my adult life. When I went to college I was thrown into a completely different world than I was used to and everything just spiraled. I dont know. Im just confused.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

I don't want them to know that I am failure

It also stems from growing up in parents who didnt take much interest in me. No one ever cared about how my day was or how I was feeling. So I spent most of my time with my twin sister or by myself feeling completely unwanted. we were all living under the same roof. We are just disconnected.

I don't buy the idea that you are a failure. Whose standards are you using? Do you think that it all started with your parents lack of attention and you are just continuing to replay that in your head? Your parents weren't paying attention because of their own problems. They didn't pay attention because something was wrong with you. I had this same problem growing up and I put the problem right where it belongs - with my dysfunctional parents...... Throw out that recording that keeps telling you that you have little value. Start acting like you are valuable because you are........

[lifelesstraveled]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I don't buy the idea that you are a failure. Whose standards are you using? Do you think that it all started with your parents lack of attention and you are just continuing to replay that in your head? Your parents weren't paying attention because of their own problems. They didn't pay attention because something was wrong with you. I had this same problem growing up and I put the problem right where it belongs - with my dysfunctional parents...... Throw out that recording that keeps telling you that you have little value. Start acting like you are valuable because you are........

thanks sannah...I will try