I am such a waste of space

sorry, but I just had to get my feelings out. It is late for me to be posting and I feel bad.
I have let ppl down including myself over something that you will probably think is stupid but it is so important to me and I couldn't do it.
I was actually going out tonight - a very rare thing to go out in the evening, but there was a soul night on in my area. There is a lot of issues around me going to these soul nights locally, I used to go 20 years ago and I have stuff I cannot understand that makes me anxios about it.
My mum, friends and partner - I have let them all down, they all really wanted me to go. He has gone on his own. I feel so many things. I am so exhausted that after I had washed my hair I knew I couldn't go.
I am angry that I didn't force myself to go and that this stuff I feel all the time stops me from going out and enjoying myself, dancing to the music I love.
I know this is nothing compared to what some of you are going through, but there is a lot more attached to it than I could really explain.
Is there anyone out there who finds their illness lets them down and everyone around them ?
Up til tonight I had started to imagine the depression 'standing beside me' like a blurry person and I was thinking that what I need to do is turn and put my arm round it..... I am now getting a lump in my throat- whats that all about.....
I am slipping down into feeling 'what am I actually good for ?' I don't want that, and my way of trying to not go there includes talking (or typing) it out.
Can anyone relate to the feeling - oh no, she can't come out again.......not AGAIN ?
I am at the mercy of this illness, or is that too passive ?
Thanks for reading, listening, I just hope you don't think its too shallow.........
take care, Poppet

Sweetie it's okay, you'll know when you feel up to going out, don't be so hard on yourself
Angie

whoa! I think I fully understand, and that many others here do too! You have to take care of yourself (no one else will) and don't let others force you to do things you really don't want to... (unless it's your T telling you to take your meds, go the ER etc ) Not shallow at all... this is a picture of a much larger issue for you... and not getting overwhelmed by placing yourself in a position you don't wish to be in the first place is good self care imo!

Hello Poppet --

If you had a broken arm or a bad case of the flu, would you or anyone else think less of you for not going out?

Depression is a disease, too.

Be kind to yourself. ((((((((((((((((((((((((Poppet)))))))))))))))))))))))

Your not alone. It happens to me more than i wish to admit and like you at the time and afterwards i'm beating myself up about it. But at times when i feel stronger i just say to myself it's my life and i'll take it at myown pace when i want to go out i will. Most people my age are out clubbing all the time and i think i should be there doing it to. But really it would be pretty boring if we were all the same.
Take a deep breathe and don't worry about it people won't mind if you don't go out it's just what your thinking and probably not what their thinking.
So put your feet up and have a nice cup of tea.

Always does the job for me!!

Well, I happen to love soul music and there's a monthly night going on now... My social phobia/depression/anxiety acts up just like yours.
What I've been doing in the past months is, I know that my brain is trying to be louder than my friends in 3D so I work hard on not letting it be so loud.

Instead of thinking, I just dress up and, most importantly, smear a lil makeup on my face - it's always worked for me. The makeup kinda plays the part of fantasy, as if I could turn into another self.

Believe me, it works. So I just stop thinking and start acting - getting dressed, choosing my earrings, perfume, lipstick; and I leave the house as soon as I'm done.

I never ever regret doing that. Always end up dancing a lot and forgetting my mental issues for the night. The simple effort of going is always rewarded by the fun I end up having.

Good Luck :-)

Poppet

I agree with what others have stated here. This issue is not stupid. I remember after losing my teaching job, I pretty much locked myself in my house for a whole year. If my parents were gone (for whatever reason), I would turn off all the lights, and even worry about the lighting from the television set attracting people to me.

It seems just from what I have seen in my few days here that a lot have the same problems as you, including myself sometimes.

Presently, I work at a job, and work on my Ph.D. online. I got tired of people always having a great time and me not. I got tired of feeling as if I was the only one alone, and I began to believe in myself, that if people did not approve of me, that was their problem.

I hope that you have the same happenings as well.

You are definitely not alone. I feel you already are taking good steps, and as long as you continue to do so, better things will come about.

Best wishes.

that little smiley can't do you all justice in the thanks department !!!! I actually felt like I shouldn't even have posted and that I wouldn't get much reply. How wrong I was ! Do you realise how much all of you uplifted me with the fact that you took the time to reply, and you can relate to it as well !!!!! I went to yoga today with a spring in my step hehe.
You are shining stars, good eggs, and angels - I am not alone anymore, there are ppl who understand - hugs all round
((((((((((((((((Angie, Sky, Wants2fly, Celeste123))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((Ozzie, Maya, Saudade, ClydeMED)))))))))))))

Thank you for that great feedback, Poppet.

The forums worked like that for me, too. I am sad when people receive comforting feedback (such as that others here feel the same way or have had similar experiences, that what one is experiencing isn't silly or trivial, that perhaps there are alternative ways of looking at it, or steps toward recovery) -- and despite all this the person will insist that the s/he is hopeless or the situation irremedial.

I just read an article by the late Christopher Reeve in the February issue of Spirituality and Health magazine. It is inspiring about how he managed his physical pain and hopeless physical condition. Many lessons in his example for we who suffer.

Victor Frankl wrote in Man's Search for Meaning that the prisoners who made it through the prison camp experience were those who managed to keep a small flame of hope in their hearts. The others gave up and died.

I am glad that the Forums gave you a little flame of hope. At least for today.

Wants2fly, just about to call it a day, when I saw your post here.
All through this particular bout of depression I have it has been different in that I have nearly always had hope. It is whats kept me going. I really believe there are ppl out there to comfort and support, its just finding 'em ! I'm pleased (more than that) I have found you all.
Even though supportive replies are done from the heart and understanding is there that ppl are at where they're at, I can imagine it could feel a bit downheartening when a person doesn't seem eased by them (or isn't in a place to reply). Its human nature to want our kindnessess acknowledged.
I have ' mans search for meaning' and remember about those who had that hope - even if it could barely be seen. The other day my family were talking about the holocaust and my mum said to me 'they didn't have counsellors then, jane' - too big a subject to go into right now, but aaaarrrggg.
Sorry to waffle there but my family aren't big believers in therapy/counselling. They do not understand how joining a forum like this can help !
Ta Ta for now.......Poppet

Hi Poppet -- I understand.

Mental illness is not to be talked about in my family, either.

I like what you have to say about remembering that people just are where they are. My concern, is not, however, that I must believe that I helped someone or be acknowledged in some way. I just feel sad when a person is not able to respond to the love and caring expressed for them -- not just by me.

Kinda like seeing a homeless person, giving a dollar, and sadly knowing that a dollar wasn't enough to really make a different for that person. It tugs at the heart not be able to relieve the pain.