Not sure I can take this and not sure therapy is helping

I am not sure I can take this anymore. My heart aches, I feel exhausted, emotinaly drained and like I am just slowly spiraling down. I try so hard all day to be upbeat and social at work with those I work with so no one will catch on that something is wrong but truth be told I think it just drains me more but I can't let others think something is wrong I can't risk losing my job and have already had to take sick leave the past 2 years. I have pretending everything is ok at home as well or at least ok, hiding the fact how bad things are till yesterday when at my therapist she asked my how things really were and when she finally dragged it out of me she left me with 2 options to be hospitalized or to call my mom and to fill her in so she knew I would be ok. After she pulled the truth out of me and left me with 2 options neither that I liked or wanted to agree to I couldn't talk and spent most of the time crying trying to say something with not much being able to come out. At some point yesterday my T said that it is often like pulling teeth to get information out of me which has left me thinking maybe therapy isn't working maybe I should stop or at least take a break. Shes right if I can't open up and speak about what needs to be talked about maybe I shouldn't be in therapy. My world is falling apart, my heart is crushed, I feel exhausted and yet somewhat numb. If I stop seeing my T then do I stop seeing my med provider who is in the same suite they work together, Maybe I should just try going off my meds and not seeing my therapist maybe a new approach would work. Maybe I just need to do something different and there are only two options that I can think of. Oh I just want to go somewhere and hide. I don't know if I should email my therapist before next wed and cancel the apt to at least take a week off, should I tell her I just need time. or should I just not show up. Can she force me to see her? Then there would be explaining to my mom who I live with why I wasn't going. I feel so trapped. I feel like a kid. Oh if only there was another option. Does anyone have advice has anyone been in this low of lows before. How have you gone on. I want to cry but even the tears I think have dried up. Even my breathing feels like it hurts at this point. I am sorry I think I am rambling I don't know what to do I'm afraid if I stop typing then things will just get worst. Falling apart and not sure I can pick the pieces up maybe that is just how it just supose to be.

(((((((((((( andycamp ))))))))))))))

For me expressing myself in therapy has been a really big part of the therapy process, so my advice is to stick with it but maybe I am wrong I dunno. I am sending you some hugs
I am reminded of something my T said to me once, during times of great distress we should not make life altering decisions except one's that save us because at the time we are not thinking rationally. Please take good care of yourself, try to do some calming things that you enjoy it may help.

Hi AndyCamp, i'm Claudia, a somewhat newer member, but full of sage advice for you.

Now don't panic, just slow down and breathe. That's the first thing to do when your mind is awhirl. We are all here for you and right this moment it is me. So, you say you have a great therapist, so stay with her. Yes, you are feeling vulnerable, something you are not used to, eh? (I'm from Canada, btw) But this is good. You are doing good work. You are learning how to open up more and often. This is good. Maybe painful, but good.

No need to cut all ties immediately. That's your panic talking. Give yourself some time to make the right decision. Yes, it's difficult to open up during therapy, no doubt about it. But no need to jump off the deep end, just because it's a skill that does not come easy to you yet. Try little things first. Open up to only one thing each week. Take baby steps till you feel stronger. Don't let your therapist scare you or discourage you. She just needs you to step it up a notch. Trust her so she can help you.

At work you put so much pressure on yourself. Relax at little. Yes, still smile, but you don't have to do cartwheels to impress anyone. You are exhausting yourself. You won't lose your job, just go easy. Nobody can see your turmoil on the inside. You are safe. It's all ok, just take a deep breath through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth, and repeat a few times.

Yeah, that's it. You got it! Ahhh ....

Hi Andy, I just registered tonight, trying to learn how to do everything..
I read what you wrote, and it was exactly what i wanted to write..
I feel so lost an empty,Im hoping to make friends here,and hope you are one of them. I really need friends and someone to talk too...

Hi Andy,
I was in some really painful therapy for two years. It was helpful therapy, and I was able to understand that the bad things that happened in my childhood were not my fault. However, those very painful things aren't what I talked about on the first visit. I talked about current problems and situations. My therapist was able to connect the dots. But I never had to "go back" and talk about the things that happened to me until I was ready. Once I was able to talk about the bad things, the grip it had on me lessened. It was a painful process.

And yes, there were times it hurt so bad that I wanted to die. Like something was piercing my soul and wouldn't stop.

But, Andy, you have to decide what you feel comfortable talking about in therapy right now. And you don't have to stop seeing your doctor because they share the same suite.

I am new here to this website, but I have, unfortunately, dealt with the pain for a long time.

Regards and you'll be in my thoughts.

my heart goes out to you. it sounds as if you're in a tough spot right now. but you're also in a pretty important spot as well. Don't cancel on your therapist. That's just another way to avoid and withdraw. Depression is really hard to fight, but avoiding and withdrawing only worsen it. You mentioned a med provider... are you being honest with this person? Because you said you were trying to tell your therapist that everything was going well until the day before you posted. If you're not being honest, it's pretty hard for your psychiatrist to help you. I do know it's hard to say when things aren't going well, but try opening up a little. Your psychiatrist can try a medication adjustment. You need relief from the pain you are feeling. I would just advise you to try not to withdraw, and to be open. Hospitalization doesn't have to be the only option. If you are taking an anti depressant right now though, it sounds clear its not working for you, so I would try to get in to see your psychiatrist right away to make an adjustment. I hope you find some relief.

i can certainly relate to the despair you are feeling (((andy))). the low can drain you of all your mental energy. your description is so right on. have you ever considered why you are afraid to open up in therapy? you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain by letting the "pain" vomit up('scuse the graphic wording).
i have mixed feelings about what you T said to you. perhaps you would feel more comfortable with another T. the relationship with a T should be based on trust. if you don't feel like you can open up perhaps it's because that connection is not there. i realize since you are so vulnerable right now that changing T's might be difficult. just thought i'd throw that thought out to you tho.
as for hospitalization, that might help you. don't know. when i was in the state of mind you are in that worked for me. i was just so tangled up i couldn't make progress. matter of fact i was going backwards. the hospit. for me was good cause i could just focus on me and the rest of the time my brain could take a break...there were no outside stimuli interfering with me. i was able to open up and talk about things that were stuffed for so many years. it was like riding a jet versus riding a bus to get where i was going. it speeded up my recovery.
said enough for now but hope some of my experiences will help you. i hope you find the help you need. please don't give up...you can feel so much better! i know because i went from the darkness of hell to the light of life.
please keep us posted, we care.

Hello, I am new to this site but I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you wrote about. I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. For a long time I had a very hard time talking in therapy, it's hard to open up to a stranger and tell them all about yourself, I am glad that I stuck with therapy though because it has helped me a lot. I would encourage you to stay in therapy however I agree with madisgram that maybe finding a new therapist would help you, I started out seeing a different therapist from the one I see now and I felt like I could never talk to her and that my sessions with her were not helping at all or just making things worse, once I started seeing my new therapist it still took some time to open up to her but right from the beginning I felt a lot better with her then I had with my last T and in the long run she really helped me a lot. My thoughts are with you and I sincerely hope you are able to find some peace. Don't give up, we are here for you!

Thanks everyone for the suggestions, encouragements, words of wisdom and more. My therapist and I have had a very good relationship for many years now it is just that when things are not going well I freeze up to anyone. I will try harder.

]Hello, I am new to this site but I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you wrote about. I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. For a long time I had a very hard time talking in therapy, it's hard to open up to a stranger and tell them all about yourself, I am glad that I stuck with therapy though because it has helped me a lot. I would encourage you to stay in therapy however I agree with madisgram that maybe finding a new therapist would help you, I started out seeing a different therapist from the one I see now and I felt like I could never talk to her and that my sessions with her were not helping at all or just making things worse, once I started seeing my new therapist it still took some time to open up to her but right from the beginning I felt a lot better with her then I had with my last T and in the long run she really helped me a lot. My thoughts are with you and I sincerely hope you are able to find some peace. Don't give up, we are here for you![/quote]

You shouldn't stop seeing a therapist, but maybe this particular therapist isn't working for you. I've had a rough time finding the right one, and the right one makes a difference. I know it's tough to start over with someone new, but when I did, it made a world of difference and I actually made progress. I was emotionally dead, faking my way through work and around friends and family, but she was finally able to make me cry! I know it sounds crazy but I needed to cry and I never could before! Don't just give up. Never give up because there are others out there that can relate to you. You have to see the sunshine through the rain even when you believe it isn't there.........it is.