I know what my t thinks about my foo; that they're all nuts, but that doesn't help when I'm required to spend time with them (especially my mother) and end up feeling suicidal.
I went to a cousins wedding shower today and the topics of conversation would have made most people run for the door. Really innappropriate stuff. I'll give you the mildest example and hope it doesn't trigger....***TRIGGER WARNING

The enormous size of my grandfathers penis and how both grandparents had "friends with bebefits". That's the milder stuff. (Trigger over)

Of course my mother & I ended up in an arguement within the first 5 minutes of getting there.
But I sat there and pretended to be part of the conversation...like a good girl. Once I got home , after drinking too much at the shower, I washed it down with xanax. My t doesn't get the fact that I feel they are slowly (but quickly lately) killing my soul. I feel like my heart is getting ripped out from just talking with my mother. I know they're crazy but that doesn't change how it makes me feel.
Maybe this is the way it's supposed to end up, I don't know....

[Eriksplus]

Calista-

We're VERY sorry you had to go through this!!!!!! If it helps, Host has a crazy family too, and they also hurt us more than help us, though they say they are trying to help. Help. Sure.
sending you hugs if you want them!!!!!!!!!

(Yeston)Erik

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Calista+12

I know what my t thinks about my foo; that they're all nuts, but that doesn't help when I'm required to spend time with them (especially my mother) and end up feeling suicidal.

Hi Calista, thanks for the VM!

My family was differently crazy from yours but plenty crazy nevertheless. The best way I could find to deal with them was by getting as far away from them as I could. In theory it was a bad idea but all the available "good" ideas looked a lot worse. Is anything of the sort an option for you?

In particular, when you're "required to spend time with them" is there any graceful or even not-quite-graceful way you could
duck out of it?

[multipixie9]

You are right Callista+12, they ARE crazy/dysfunctional. That kind of example you gave truly is off the charts inappropriate and I would have had a hard time getting through that too.

I am VERY sorry they put you through that and that they are so sick they don't seem to understand how ugly it is.

I agree with Fool Zero that if you can find any way to reduce the time around them or avoid it totally that it may be the healthy thing for you to do.

At some point we all do have to deal with family stuff and family too, but timing is everything. I dealt myself some hurts by not taking care of myself around my extended marriage family. I know now that I have to take proper care of me because they can't. I did not go to a wedding saturday night because I got so much resistence from my insiders and it made my husband annoyed with me, but that was ok, because I had to do this for me. So I appologised and stayed home and it was right for me to do that this time. Now next saturday, I will have to go to another wedding and I will cope somehow - balancing out my needs and his needs.

I am sorry your family is toxic for you. That hurts a lot.

leslie/pixies

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by multipixie9

I did not go to a wedding saturday night because I got so much resistence from my insiders and it made my husband annoyed with me, but that was ok, because I had to do this for me. So I appologised and stayed home and it was right for me to do that this time.

By any chance did you thank your insiders for their support? (Just asking -- I haven't any insiders of my own and am just learning how these things are done.)

I'm damned if I do..damned if I don't ,
so getting far away or just choosing to stay away doesn't help much. They all have their own preconcieved ideas of who and what I am, and how I act. Nothing will change their minds. I am ready to cut everyone of them out of my life but I'm sure I'd get another nasty phone call from my bro telling me what a piece of ***** I am. (Like I don't already know this!?)
As bad as it sounds, sometimes the only was out of this situation is the permanent way. At least I couldn't hear them ***** at me if I'm dead.

All I'll have left is guilt as bad , if not worse, than when my father died. They must be pushing me out of the picture for a reason.

[Eriksplus]

As cold as it sounds, they are probably pushing you out of the way because either they don't understand, or don't want to. That is how it is with our family, so we understand where you're coming from.
sending you Support and comfort. You can PM us anytime you want.
(Webber)Erik

[susan888]

(((Calista))) Yes...crazy family. Take care of yourself sweetie!

[FooZe]

Hi Calista, I'm guessing you're not in the mood to look on the bright side right now. If you were, here's what I'd want to tell you:

---------------------------------

Originally Posted by Calista+12

I'm damned if I do..damned if I don't...

That, right there, sounds like one of the ways you and I operate differently. When I find myself damned if I do and damned if I don't, (a.) I think, "Oh, good, then I get to choose freely because there's nothing to lose either way!" and (b.) "Damned, am I? OK, come and get me! "

Sounds like you do mind being damned, though, whether the apparent source of the damnation is your friend or not and whether they have any authority to damn you or not.

I am ready to cut everyone of them out of my life but I'm sure I'd get another nasty phone call from my bro telling me what a piece of ***** I am.

I don't see how your brother could possibly be qualified to tell you what a piece of **** you are. You don't suppose he could be... making it up or something?

(Like I don't already know this!?)

Friendly tip (take it from a Fool -- we're experts on this stuff): you're way better off not knowing anything, than "knowing" something that ain't so.

As bad as it sounds, sometimes the only was out of this situation is the permanent way. At least I couldn't hear them ***** at me if I'm dead.

But you wouldn't be there to enjoy not hearing them, and we'd miss you and maybe even be mad at you. Lousy idea -- cut it out!

They must be pushing me out of the picture for a reason.

It's your picture we're talking about here. Why not push them out instead, till you're good and ready to let them in?

---------------------------------

If, as I suspect, you're not ready to look on the bright side right now, just save this till you are.



FooZe

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((Calista))))))

Then there is the direct way.....
"To me this is an inappropriate conversation so I am leaving. It was nice seeing you. Good bye"
Then turn on your heals and leave.
If you have arrived as a passenger with someone (ie your mother), then go out on the porch or take a walk or to another room. If someone approaches you, walk away. If your brother calls, hang up.
YOU HAVE A CHOICE NOW.
YOU HAVE CONTROL NOW
YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

Took me awhile to learn that. Right now, in this time, in the present YOU call the shots. YOU choose to not answer the phone or stay in a situation that is toxic.
And yes, there is fall out. But you are in a position to protect yourself.

Just my thoughts here for what they are worth...

[multipixie9]

((((Calista))))

Fool Zero and White_Iris said the things I might have (only better) so I support their comments to you.

You have only one chance at life and those sick people in your family are NOT WORTH the loss of your life and future wellness!!!!! It is a challenge to learn to evict people camping out in your head spreading their poisons, but with some help and effort it can be done and YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Sometimes we give people WAY too much power over us and we can learn how to stop doing that. It will feel so light and free as you learn how to refuse their guilt trips and verbal abuse. I do not know who your brother thinks he is to talk to you like that, but the word that comes to my mind is "big, fat, jerk"! My late brother used to call me at 4 am for drunken rants and I had to learn to just cut him off when he behaved that way and kept telling him I would not listen to him when he was drunk. Before he died of his alcoholism he did learn my boundary and kept it.

If you are feeling seriously like doing something permanent to remove yourself PLEASE GET SOME HELP IMMEDIATELY. I would miss you if you were gone from here. You have value with us here and I want you to stick around, so take good care of you, you matter and there is NO ONE better than you here.

Sorry if I got too wordy or ranty, but I care and want you to be safe.

Leslie

FooZe
Thank you. Even though what you said was in a joking way, it was dead on true. If I'm dAmned, and I am, then who cares?
Multipixie and white iris...true, true and true. My head knows I have control but I don't think I can handle the guilt when mother dies, like what happened with my father.
Susan 888 and Fuzzy and Eriksplus, thank you also.
Do not pay any attention to the arse (me) talking about ending it. It's all hot air.
If I forgot to thank anyone.I'm sorry; you were all very supportive. I need to put on my big girl panties and deal, pure & simple.

[multipixie9]

I have "mother stories" in volume - lots and lots of them. If you wish to talk about dead moms and guilt, I'm your gal. I still have my dad and I am open to discussion on how to let go of mom-guilt. It's up to you, Sweetie.

Leslie/Pixies

[Miracle1986]

Calista

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((Calista12)))))))))))) I'm so sorry things are hard right now. Boy, do I understand the suicidal thoughts after being with abusers. Some parts of my brain still maintain a relationship with people from my life. These parts weren't witnesses of the abuse and I guess either don't have knowledge of it or are in denial about it. Either way, whenever I come into contact with those people, whether or not I remember it, I become very suicidal. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out what had happened. I'd just have these overwhelming feelings that seemed to come out of nowhere. It wasn't until I was in therapy for a while that T was able to figure out a correlation. While our goal is to ultimately break away from those relationships, at least now when the feelings come, I know better how to self talk and hang on until the waves pass.

It's hard to just break away, I think. I know for here, some parts seem to care for the abusers in some way. Others are terrified still to go against anything they say or do. And then apparently some want to cause extreme harm to the abusers. It causes a lot of problems here at times.

We can only do what we can do. I'm glad you have a T to help you through. As we all become stronger and more aware, I think we can learn to break away from unsafe people in our lives. Please take gentle care through this.

Originally Posted by multipixie9

I have "mother stories" in volume - lots and lots of them. If you wish to talk about dead moms and guilt, I'm your gal. I still have my dad and I am open to discussion on how to let go of mom-guilt. It's up to you, Sweetie.

Leslie/Pixies

I may take you up on that offer. Thank you so much.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Calista ))))))))))))

I understand the suicidal thoughts after being with "them" (abusive family) too
(grrrrrrrrrr)

Being with thm feels like a lamb going to slaughter. That sounds too dramatic...sorry.
I know in my head that there is something wrong with them, but at the same time, something more wrong with me. Something that makes me disgusting and unlovable. It;s the disgusting stuff I'm trying to get rid of when I become suicidal. Disgusting personified....thats me.

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

((((((((((((( Calista ))))))))))))

I understand the suicidal thoughts after being with "them" (abusive family) too
(grrrrrrrrrr)

Thank you for understanding,((( Fuzzy)))

[cracked_butterfly]

I totally understand the whole 'crazy family'. I have had to withdraw almost totally just for my health. I am basically treated like the employee/poor cousin. Like they are doing me a favour when they ask me to do something for them. And, like multipixie, I have volumes of mother stories too!

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Calista+12

I know in my head that there is something wrong with them, but at the same time, something more wrong with me. Something that makes me disgusting and unlovable.

Hi again, Calista, there are a couple of comments I want to make even though I'm not sure you'll follow me. I'm pretty sure I'm getting a ways out in front of you here but perhaps you'd indulge me anyway, if only to correct me.

I know full well you don't much enjoy feeling disgusting and unlovable but I'm guessing this might not be the first time you've ever felt that way. It sounds to me like progress that you're now starting to look at this stuff and talk about it.

Next time you notice yourself feeling disgusting and unlovable, see if you can get any sort of bearing on where that might be coming from. I don't see any of us saying that about you, for instance; I'm not even thinking it. As far as you can tell, is anyone besides you (and possibly some of your crazy family) saying/thinking that about you?

Suppose it turned out to be only you (or at least you were the only one saying it whose opinion mattered much to you). Getting way way out in front for a moment: what do you suppose would happen if you were to stop saying/thinking that -- or else, if you went right on saying/thinking it but stopped believing it?

Don't be too sure you couldn't stop, and don't be too sure it wouldn't make any difference if you did. My own guess (from way out in front of you where I have no business being) is that it would make room for whatever was next for you -- which might or might not be any more fun, but would be sure to be at least a little different.

Ordinarily I would've prefaced this with one of those "leaving everyday reality, please watch your step" warnings but I figure we're already having this whole conversation outside everyday reality, so it's really just a question of where outside everyday reality we go next.

It;s the disgusting stuff I'm trying to get rid of when I become suicidal. Disgusting personified....thats me.

Please look and see whether you're disgusted yourself, or whether you expect someone else to be. I'm asking because if there's something that's supposed to make me disgusted with you, it doesn't seem to be working for some reason.

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

Hi again, Calista, there are a couple of comments I want to make even though I'm not sure you'll follow me. I'm pretty sure I'm getting a ways out in front of you here but perhaps you'd indulge me anyway, if only to correct me.
No correction needed.....

I know full well you don't much enjoy feeling disgusting and unlovable but I'm guessing this might not be the first time you've ever felt that way. It sounds to me like progress that you're now starting to look at this stuff and talk about it.
FooZe This is weird that you ask because my T just said the same things to me. I did look at when I feel this way and why, and it boils down to what I have been told by the family AND (very big AND) the way I felt when certain abusive situations were happening. There is a lot more surfacing now, especailly since the comments from the family on Sunday. And, YIPEE I have another family function coming up Saturday!! Where are the "party alters " when I need them. Since that happened, (the innappropriate comments) I have had very bad flashes and partial memories, to the point of making me throw up.

Next time you notice yourself feeling disgusting and unlovable, see if you can get any sort of bearing on where that might be coming from. I don't see any of us saying that about you, for instance; I'm not even thinking it. As far as you can tell, is anyone besides you (and possibly some of your crazy family) saying/thinking that about you?
Nope just me AFAIK.

Suppose it turned out to be only you (or at least you were the only one saying it whose opinion mattered much to you). Getting way way out in front for a moment: what do you suppose would happen if you were to stop saying/thinking that -- or else, if you went right on saying/thinking it but stopped believing it?
Sounds like DBT to me. I tried it. I hate it. It feels too much like mind control .

Don't be too sure you couldn't stop, and don't be too sure it wouldn't make any difference if you did. My own guess (from way out in front of you where I have no business being) is that it would make room for whatever was next for you -- which might or might not be any more fun, but would be sure to be at least a little different.
Please don't think you have "no business" being wayyyy out in front. Thank you for raising these points and questions. They are coming up very intrusively on their own now so I need to look at them.

Ordinarily I would've prefaced this with one of those "leaving everyday reality, please watch your step" warnings but I figure we're already having this whole conversation outside everyday reality, so it's really just a question of where outside everyday reality we go next.
I live in an alternate universe so no problem....

Please look and see whether you're disgusted yourself, or whether you expect someone else to be. I'm asking because if there's something that's supposed to make me disgusted with you, it doesn't seem to be working for some reason.

(shall I try harder...)

Originally Posted by cracked_butterfly

I totally understand the whole 'crazy family'. I have had to withdraw almost totally just for my health. I am basically treated like the employee/poor cousin. Like they are doing me a favour when they ask me to do something for them. And, like multipixie, I have volumes of mother stories too!

Thanks Cracked Butterfly
I am quickly getting to the point of total withdrawal from the family. I never get asked for help unless one of the "chosen ones" aren't available.

Originally Posted by wanttoheal

((((((((((((Calista12)))))))))))) I'm so sorry things are hard right now. Boy, do I understand the suicidal thoughts after being with abusers. Some parts of my brain still maintain a relationship with people from my life. These parts weren't witnesses of the abuse and I guess either don't have knowledge of it or are in denial about it. Either way, whenever I come into contact with those people, whether or not I remember it, I become very suicidal. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out what had happened. I'd just have these overwhelming feelings that seemed to come out of nowhere. It wasn't until I was in therapy for a while that T was able to figure out a correlation. While our goal is to ultimately break away from those relationships, at least now when the feelings come, I know better how to self talk and hang on until the waves pass.

It's hard to just break away, I think. I know for here, some parts seem to care for the abusers in some way. Others are terrified still to go against anything they say or do. And then apparently some want to cause extreme harm to the abusers. It causes a lot of problems here at times.

We can only do what we can do. I'm glad you have a T to help you through. As we all become stronger and more aware, I think we can learn to break away from unsafe people in our lives. Please take gentle care through this.

Thank you so much for this. I am becoming more aware recently and that in itself is causing problems. My children are and will continue to be in the family's lives and that, also, is a big issue. I'm trying ..that's all I can do for now. My T is very helpful with all of these new issues. He doesn't want me to move too quickly OR ignore them totally.
All of you have been great to respond either with comments, questions or hugs and lots of support. Thank you all.