[Monty_girl]

i can hardly do this. i completely shut down now. i havent been out of bed for 2 days now. i have to go to work, so i am here. i didnt shower today. i did that late yesterday afternoon. i just put a t-shirt on and some work out pants and put my hair up in a pony tail and i'm here. it took me 2 hours to get dress and to work. now i can sit here. i cant to anything. i have so much paper work to do i dont even know how to start. overwhelmed with just the thought of it. i would call my t but i don't even have the energy to do that. beside what would i say. i tired? i cried because they didn't have any of my cigs at the store this morning when i went to get a pack. i cried yesterday because i was hungry and was to tired to make a sandwich. paraniod. think everyone is making fun of me and laughing at me. why wouldn't they. i look like %#@&#!. i know i'm the talk of the office. oh poor Lisa. i just want everyone to go away and leave me alone. hate when people feel sorry for me. someone has already come into my office this morning and gave me the talk about how I need to get out and cheer myself up. if you dont understand what i'm going through then dont come in here and say cheer up. i just cant do it. i'm doing the best i can. i'm not hurting myself in anyway. so why dont people just leave me alone. i know i'm a basket case. i cant eat. all i do is sleep. just want to go home and crawl back in my bed so people will leave me alone.

[nothemama8]

We're here Lisa, if you need to talk
Angie

[Monty_girl]

Angie, I know I need to talk. But I can't say how I feel or anything. Just in a deep dark hole. Numb to everything. I can't say what feelings I'm feeling. Just know I'm in darkness. I know I'm depressed. I've been here many many times before. I'm just tired. I don't know if what I started doing in T has triggered all of this? Started hypnosis to have my pieces share their memories with me. T thought this would be a better way to work with the memories instead of the horrible flashbacks I've been having. I haven't had any flashbacks since we started doing this. But I'm just so depressed now. Maybe I'm grieving? Maybe I'm just nutz? Either way it feels the same.

[nothemama8]

It's ok to feel the way you do, just remember it's all stuff from the past and it can't get you now, if it helps write your feelings down on toilet paper then flush them away, this has helped me many times
Angie

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( monty )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) i'm so sorry that things are this bad right now. i understand. i won't try to tell you what you should do, because i understand that even one little thing is too, too much! please just do what you can when you can for self care. rest as much as you can. hopefully the rest will help you to have some energy.

what has the dr said about the physical stuff? is that applying here as well? maybe if that gets better, it will help depression? i sure hope so.

i feel like i'm so stuck and i'm so tired...i understand...feel like can't move.

love,

kd

I often mistake my grief for being completely loopy and around the bend.

kimmy asked about the physical....have the docs found anything more about the kidney pain?

From what you write it could be a combination of both the emotional grief and subsequent feelings that go along with that AND the physical discomfort you express.

Oh Monty I wish things were easier and we had magic words here to help.

The therapy work you're currently doing sounds intensive. Please take care and maybe ask the T about pacing a bit more so as to help keep you from being this worn down? just an idea.....

[Mahali]

monty,

I too wish there was more we could do. Sometimes it just does not seem that words are enough.

I wish I could lower a ladder down into that hole and climb down and help you to lift yourself into the light of the day. The ladder is there Monty. You are not stuck in that place. I hope you can find the energy to grasp it and start climbing soon. I know you will and we will be here to extend our hands and help along the way.

Please take care of you.

place

[fairygirl]

hugs if you want
((((((((((MG)))))))))

thinking of you
Fi <font color="green"> </font>

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((((monty))))))))))))))))) (if ok) ...

That sounds a horrible place to be... especially with the lack of understanding and care at work. However, you've got great support here at these forums, and I am glad thta you can get yourself to come here, even for a little while. I really hope this lifts for you soon. It sounds such a frightening, paralysing place to be.

[Monty_girl]

TY to everyone for the hugs. I'm just so lost right now. My physical pain is in check right now. I don't go back to the doc until May 7th. It rans in cycles. I'll hurt for a couple of days, then be OK for a week or so. We are trying to pace things in T. Feel like we are going at a snails pace. We have started with some of the memories that aren't so overwhelming. But it seems like even the small stuff is overwhelming for me right now. If this is one of the less tramatic memories then what are the others ones like? I know it will get worse when we get into those memories. My T has told me that there were several times that we were sexually abused by more then one person during different episodes. Think maybe that knowing this is making me scared. That this is something I'm going to have to deal with and I feel like I will need to deal with it soon. Like it's something that is bubbling up and wanting to be dealt with. My T has given me things that I can do to calm myself. Most of them work. Just feeling like I need to prepare for what's coming out. Just knowing that you all are here to listen means a lot to me. Most of the time I feel very alone. Right now I'm around, but unable to write or say anything much of anything. I'm not much of a support right now. Just trying to support myself right now. So I'm not much good to anyone right now. But maybe in the future it will be different. But thank you to everyone for the encourgement. I need it right now.

[Mahali]

Take care of you Monty. Do what you need to be safe. You will get through this and be stronger when it is addressed.

Take care.

place

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((((Monty))))))))))))) don't worry about having to support other people right now. You're right, the person you have to worry about is yourself and that's what you're doing! I agree that knowing that some bad memories are going to come isn't at all pleasant, but at least you can put up a few mental protecting barriers in the meantime to help protect yourself/ves...i dont know if that works or not. or may be youcould journal your worries, if you feel capable of doing it. i think you should just try to pamper yourself right now and just try to deal with things as they come...imo.

[cat_eye]

keep yourself safe, hun

safe hugs:

(((((((((((((((((((((((monty))))))))))))))))))))))))

[RhysMadison]

At least you're attempting to write 'bout all this. That is a wonderful start. You know what you are going thru & want to correct it. Some people are so far gone they don't know which end is up & they definitely can't say anything. But you are talking. That is good. I hope things get better for you soon.
Love,
RhysMadison

[Monty_girl]

RhysMadison, most days I can't tell which end is up. I just curse along on autopilot hoping that I don't crash somewhere along the way. I don't feel like my talking does any good. It doesn't seem to be helping anything at this point. But I'm one of those people who are always talking. Which is very different from what I used to be. When I was in a deep depression years ago, I didn't leave the house for a year and I would go for days without speaking a word to anyone. So I know from that I have to keep talking. So I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm having to leave tomorrow to go out of town for a training for work. I'm very scared to leave. And I can't deal with the topic of the training. Is just to close to home, but I have to go. Called my T for some help. He said just to leave if it gets to be too much. I just don't want to explain to people at work why I have to leave. I'll just play sick I guess. Is better then having a flashback and trying to attack people who aren't there. But the training is at the lake, so maybe I can escape.

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((Monty)))))))))))))) (if ok)

I hope it goes ok for you tomorrow.

[Monty_girl]

((((((((((((((((((((((( silver )))))))))))))))))))))))))))) & (((((((((((((((((( everyone )))))))))))))))))))))))

I'll drop a few lines been I get back. I'll try and take care.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( monty )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

we're thinking about you while you're gone!

kd

[Eva1nder]

((((((((( Monty )))))))))))

I'm sorry to see you going through so much pain ... it's so difficult.

you do what you need to... I'm thinking about you and hoping you can feel relief soon.

Please take good care...you're missed much.

Eva

Monty,

I'm holding two things in my heart for you. One: that the training goes smoothly and is without any bumps. Two: that in case you DO need to escape out there at the lake that you have a peaceful, safe getaway place that returns you to grounded and calm.

Take care. Thinking of you M_G.

[Monty_girl]

Hmmm well I said I would play sick. I didn't mean to get sick. But I did. Was just so nervous and upset and trying my hardest to hide it. It all explosed with me having a panic attack and getting sick. We were at the cookout after our meeting and it was hot and we were in the sun. Being hot is my biggest trigger. And I just freaked out. Some of the lady's I work with are understanding and one went to get the car and the other walked with me. We didn't get far in the walk before I just started vomiting. Ya know you have friends when they stand beside you and hold your hair for you. By this time the other lady had come back with the car and got out and found wet wipes to wipe my face for me. I had sweat just rolling off of me. The whole time this was happening I kept fading in and out. I was trying so hard to stay present. They took me back to the cabin and went back to the cookout. So I got a wet washrag and sat out on the back deck overlooking the lake. I'm still not quite right yet. But I'm home with my hubby and cats and had hugs. I'm just going to try and calm myself the rest of the day. Might call into work in the morning.

Be very gentle with you Monty. Your body sounds worn down from this stress. I'm so sorry you got so ill

Rest, take care and we're all here when you're up to visiting again.

Much concern and care to you.

p.s. calling in sounds like a good idea to keep recovering from this icky sicky thing you've just had.

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((( Monty )))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear that happened

At least you're back home now

[Monty_girl]

Thank You for your concern _zh
I went on into work today. Just felt like I couldn't sit at home today. I not planning on stay the whole day. Just think I need to get some work done so that I won't get to far behind in work cause that will cause even more stress. I'm just dizzy with a headache today. But it's quiet here at work today. Just trying to take it all really slow today. My T is in the office all day on friday's so I'll call him in a bit.

[Monty_girl]

(((((((((((((((((( Silver )))))))))))))))))))))) Thanks for the hugs.