Can you have DID and not know?

Possible Trigger:

I felt like I was "better" when I was repressing/controlling/fighting "everything". The last three days have gotten progressively harder and harder and I feel like it is just the beginning. I have started to post here so many times and delete it (but save it as a "journal" entry) each time. My dreams/nightmares are intensifying. I can't even believe what I dreamed this morning (and I've always had an intense dream life/some whopper nightmares). I've never seen anything so horrifying in my life. But I also got lucid in a dream last night (I had at least 3), which hasn't happened in a long time. I don't trust myself to be home alone with my son 13+ hours every single day anymore. I am discovering that parts of me are jealous/angry towards him, and it is terrifying. It doesn't just feel like normal "intrusive" thoughts anymore. It feels like entirely different thoughts and emotions with strength behind them, and intention. I am cycling through emotions and thoughts that are just too much to handle alone. And I'm facing the reality of having to find out what happened to me as a child, and accept that something did. I don't even want to talk to my family right now. And I'm afraid to post here as it is because of what happened the first time I tried, even though most of you are amazingly supportive and kind, it only takes one person to make me feel like a worthless piece of crap who's just manifesting my experiences as a construct of my own psychosis, and I already have enough self judgement and self doubt of my own. I'm afraid of even talking to the therapist because of what she might think of me.

For the lack of a better term, I'm freaking out.

I know what's causing the distress, it's my own doing... that I've made the decision to start seeing a therapist (which I go to see for the first time on Friday) and "opening" up to whatever is inside via free writing, meditation, etc. (instead of keeping it blocked and fighting it, which I had learned as a way of life) Now it feels like the flood gates have opened and I am completely overwhelmed. It's been about a week since I stumbled upon info about DID and started exploring this direction, and as the past week has progressed, I feel like I'm starting to crumble.

Any therapist or psychiatrist worth a darn, would never push drugs without talking to you and seeing what is going on before taking that step. It is ok to fire a psychiatrist and find a new one, same with a therapist, try them out just like trying on shoes. Some feel good and some just pinch your toes. good luck. My mom had mpd, I do not know if you do, but if you do getting a handle on it while your child is young is much better than when they are in there teens and you have forgotten you have kids. good luck

(((((((((((((((Love)))))))))))))))

My PM box is open if you need someone to talk to more privately.

Loveregardless, I am sorry but I have been a bit out of commission lately. Just want to welcome you and give you support too.

Love,
Hunny

.

((((((((loveregardless))))))))))

My heart is breaking for you as I read your latest entry. I wanted to share a bit of my journey with you so hopefully you don't feel so alone...

I have two little children (IRL) and am 6mths pregnant with #3. I had always been aware of other 'energies' within as I've written about in other threads. But everything always managed to get along. When my first child came along, a boy, there was some minor disruption, but nothing that alerted me to the possibility of DID. Then my daughter was born, and the wheels fell off. My life turned upside down, with the most horrendous harrassing distressing head chatter about myself, my child and my family as a whole. 'Being here' for my family became a huge struggle, as a particular voice in my head had me convinced they'd be better off without me. The depression one of my energies fell into was deep, but then I'd forget I had a baby at all, then I'd just walk out the house to go to the shop and leave both kids behind, plus other stuff that had my family reeling. Life really went mad for me. But the depressed part sought outside help, and, thank you God, I finally, after 20 years of being in the mental health system, I got a therapist who actually listened. Since then, the decision to have baby #3 was a huge one (not that the decision to have a bub is ever a light one). I have the support of my husband (obviously! ), my family (who still think I have bipolar and BPD which were previous diagnosies), and my therapists. Life is still 'mad' but a lot less scarey. I'm learning about me in huge leaps and bounds, but the big thing that I'm trying to prepare myself for after the birth of this baby is for the voice with no name who doesn't want us to be here, who owns hurt, so that a) they won't affect us, and b) hopefully we can help them.
Sorry this was long, but from one new mum to another, I wanted to offer you some comfort that, whether you have DID or not is kind of irrelevant to me, you are reaching out and I wanted to let you know you are being heard and you are not alone in feeling distressed and fretting for the wellbeing of your child. I sincerely hope that your experience on Friday with your new T is a good positive one.
Good luck for Friday, we'll be thinking of you.
kp

krazy, your heart is amazing and so kind. Thank you so, so much.

All of you taking the time to share your experiences with me, to be there for me and support me and to make me feel so welcome means more to me than I can even say. I am glad that I finally made it into the chat last night, even if it was late. What happened for me in the first hour or so of that chat was more insightful that I can even describe. It was very intense, but also very comforting.... because so many of you were there to make it all ok. Afterwards I tried to allow myself whatever I needed to feel "ok", and I ended up falling asleep with my son's favorite teddy bear in my arms. Every time I woke up I was still clinging on to it very tightly, until my son was tossing and turning this morning next to me, searching for his teddy to stick his face into (that's what he does to cuddle with it, lol), and I snuck it back in place for him and felt a calm and peace in my heart. <3

I love you all so much!! You are amazing people!!

I had another dream/nightmare last night about losing my husband and son. I was trying the entire dream to make it to my therapy session, and had all sorts of obstacles along the way. Usually the symbolism in a dream isn't as clear to me as it has been the last two nights, but in writing it down I knew that my fear in the dream was my fear in real life about losing the ones I love as I travel farther into myself and down this path.

But I know I don't have to be afraid of that, so hopefully tonight will help to calm some of those fears. My husband and son are coming to the therapist with me, even if they just stay in the lobby, even if they just stay down the street. I'm bringing in some journaling and writing about my dreams for her.

I am going to try to stay as positive, and if not positive, then distracted as possible leading up to the apt. tonight as I can.

After the apt. I think I might swing by the toy store and get a teddy of my own. I used to collect them as a child, and I still have a bin of my favorites saved in storage that I've never been able to part with.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

((((LOVE)))))) go get those tedies out of storage you may have parts that will feel better to have their own stuffies. we glad u have fun last night too that be first ime in awile we be in chat to. wove u

I wish I could get my old teddies out from storage, but they are in Florida, and that's a long way from NY. I'm getting more excited about going to the toy store as the day goes on. But I'm trying not to think about any of it too much, which is of course nearly impossible... one thing I always do is start getting ready for things wayy to early, so today I'm going to put that off until about 4pm. Watching too much tv for now.

Sky, I didn't know there was an arcade or I would have been headed your way long ago!!

One of the things that gives me the most strength right now is my husband being able to connect the pieces for me from an outside perspective, and his belief that this makes as much sense to him as it does for me. I am worried about how to approach the therapist about it, but I'm just going to try and take a lot of deep breathes and keep it together.

Ok, have to stop talking about it now. More television.

Hi. I'm determined to read all that you have written here on this one thread someday. I just can't seem to concentrate at the moment. How old is your baby? I had very bad postpartum depression when I had my son. And also, my PTSD got a lot worse. Not only because of where he came from, but also because I was triggered by the way my father acted around him and my son's cries, etc. I was abused since was a baby, this is why I feel my PTSD got so much worse for combined reasons. My hand writing changes a lot too. It can get very sloppy, bigger or smaller, and almost perfect. I have very big problems dissociating. I do almost 24/7. So much that sometimes when I see other people they ask me if I have been sleeping. If I have DID, I don't know it. Although, I have started to question it also. But I think I have a non-specific dissociation disorder. I'll wait to see a T though, to see what he/she has to say. I don't know if this has anything to do with this, but I have gone to the gas station before and was told that my ID was fake. They say I don't look like myself. It's so aggravating.

Thank you, Shadow. And (((( huggs ))))) to you.

I'm not in a place to really get into much right now either. Too much vampire tv and scary movie adds sort of counteracted the positive spin I was trying to put on my day by distracting myself with tv in the first place.

I will get back to you though, as soon as I can. And I totally understand about not being able to wade through my hefty novels all in one sitting. I'm of the overwhelming sort.

Hi loveregardless,

You have been in my thoughts, and I was wondering how you went with your T on Friday? Please do not feel pressure to divulge anything, just hoping that it was a positive experience for you...
Hope that life has calmed a little or is at least giving you a little hiatus from the intensity you were experiencing a little while ago.

kp

It was very positive krazy, thank you for asking. I really like my T and she said she likes me, which made me feel much better to hear. She didn't get too many words in, because I didn't want to leave anything out, and I just sort of go on rolls like that. But she said that right now she just wants to respect my defenses and not focus on a dx because a dx changes over time and the patient changes/heals. I was a bit put off by that at first because all the psychs I've ever been to handed out dx sight on scene, but now I am really comforted by that.

I do not yet know how to balance being open and keeping this manageably slow. I am told by my T that we are going to work on learning containment and taking things slow, which I can't even fathom, because I never do anything slow. But I hope it works.

Right now I am still trying to nurture every part of myself, DID or otherwise, and allow them the patience, trust, love and acceptance that they need to feel safe and either choose to present themselves or not. I'm just trying to be here and keep it all as linear as possible. I'm starting to feel a bit shattered, but holding on as best I can.

Thank you so much for your continued kindness and acceptance. It means so much.

Love to all.