Can you have DID and not know?

loveregardless · Feb 11, 2010, 08:53 PM

I have been given several different diagnoses since the time I was around 12. It started with migraines, which I was medicated for. I was experiencing moderate OCD around this time and bouts of depression as well. Then when I was around 15 I began having "episodes" and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and OCD as well as Narcissitic tendencies. I was heavily medicated throughout my teenage years. Around 18 I had a bad reaction to a new med and stopped taking them and seeing my psychiatrist. I started becoming more and more socially phobic around this age. When I was 21 I started experiencing severe OCD and panic attacks and went back to a new doctor and was put on meds again, to which I had a similar reaction as the first time, only this time I thought I was having seizures. I started seeing a new psychiatrist who changed my meds and had me go through testing for epilepsy. She diagnosed me as Borderline and Schizotypal. I continued to struggle with the new meds, only this time in the scariest way possible, and once again stopped taking them and quit seeing that psychiatrist as well.

All in all I have not had the best time finding what I would consider a competent psychiatrist and therefor don't really want to start seeing one again. I am now almost 25, married with a 7 month old son, and feel more "sane" and in control than I ever have. However, I still struggle every day. Some days are better than others, and I'm wondering if it is possible to have DID and not know that you have it? I was reading on other forums, stories of women who didn't know they were DID until their 30's, 40's, even 50's.... which seems nearly impossible for such a severe disorder. I know only what my research has shown me about DID, but I do know that it is possible to experience co-consciousness with your alters, and also to integrate your alters. I wonder if it is possible to have an integrated DID experience after very little time actually losing time.

I have experienced watching my body go through these episodes as if removed throughout my life, although not always. I developed tools to help me keep from "losing it" while learning all I could about basically every disorder on the previous list, and then some, throughout the years. I focus on patterns or objects around me and essentially try to shut out all of the "voices" that take off in those moments. I read that this is actually a tool to keep from switching when you have DID.

I am not aware of any trauma that I may have experienced, however, I have exhibited strange sexual behaviors since I was an infant, and my mother has told me that my aunt used to babysit me when I was very young and that she would have her boyfriends over a lot. So at the very least I witnessed sex very young. I also have an uncle who is currently serving 16 years for child molestation, but it was all on cases against young boys, so I don't think it would have been him.

I also wonder, if you have DID, do you hear actual "voices". Do your alters all have names, and how do they get those names. Do you see images of them?

Sorry if this was too long. I hope to hear back from you all, because I still feel so confused and feel strangely comforted at the thought that if it is possible to be DID, not know it, and be integrated through most of it, that it might actually offer me a closer answer to what is really going on with me. But I can't really know that until talking with people who have been officially diagnosed and hearing their stories and opinions. Thank you.

loveregardless · Feb 11, 2010, 10:35 PM

At the risk of being overzealous, I forgot to include a few things :

I have a pretty bad memory. I do not know where I put things, unless I leave them in the same spot all the time. Like food items, or clothing. When it comes to keys, purse, random tools, etc. Even moments after having them, I have lost them.

Also, I was having obsessive sexual thoughts as early as elementary school, on top of exhibiting the strange sexual behaviors from the time I was an infant.

I have been self medicating with marijuana on and off since I was 17.

My handwriting varies quite frequently. I write poetry, and the handwriting changes when I write. It changes so much, that when I tried to have my last named changed after I got married, the bank told me that my own signature, was not my signature.

I still get migraines and other strong physical symptoms frequently.

I also have sleep difficulties and a VERY intense dream life, which can be emotionally and physically exhausting.

Can multiple personalities operate simultaneously, i.e. experiencing a, b, and c, which are all traits of what would be different personalities, but experiencing it as a community of emotions/thoughts? I don't even know if that question makes sense.

Lastly, can you/have you met alters in dreams before. I have a very vivid memory of meeting myself as a child once. I even wrote a poem about it. I was around 5 and I remember walking along a path and talking with myself while holding my own hand as I am now (or was at the time).

I think that's all in a nutshell.

The merck website listed information in a much different way than a lot of other sources I found. This is part of what led me to explore this direction.

anderson · Feb 11, 2010, 11:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by loveregardless

I have been given several different diagnoses since the time I was around 12. It started with migraines, which I was medicated for. I was experiencing moderate OCD around this time and bouts of depression as well. Then when I was around 15 I began having "episodes" and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and OCD as well as Narcissitic tendencies. I was heavily medicated throughout my teenage years. Around 18 I had a bad reaction to a new med and stopped taking them and seeing my psychiatrist. I started becoming more and more socially phobic around this age. When I was 21 I started experiencing severe OCD and panic attacks and went back to a new doctor and was put on meds again, to which I had a similar reaction as the first time, only this time I thought I was having seizures. I started seeing a new psychiatrist who changed my meds and had me go through testing for epilepsy. She diagnosed me as Borderline and Schizotypal. I continued to struggle with the new meds, only this time in the scariest way possible, and once again stopped taking them and quit seeing that psychiatrist as well.
There have been different times that we did go on meds and each time they gave us a small repreive from the real issue but when pushed came to shove the meds only gave us bad side affects. ( sucidail, self harm type) yes it did stop the voices but they did not take away the pain born in those voices.

All in all I have not had the best time finding what I would consider a competent psychiatrist and therefor don't really want to start seeing one again. I am now almost 25, married with a 7 month old son, and feel more "sane" and in control than I ever have. However, I still struggle every day. Some days are better than others, and I'm wondering if it is possible to have DID and not know that you have it? I was reading on other forums, stories of women who didn't know they were DID until their 30's, 40's, even 50's.... which seems nearly impossible for such a severe disorder. I know only what my research has shown me about DID, but I do know that it is possible to experience co-consciousness with your alters, and also to integrate your alters. I wonder if it is possible to have an integrated DID experience after very little time actually losing time.

This is a survivers skill yes the main person can time share with out knowing about it. (this is from my exsperiance of DID) we had a group that was seperated from the whole due to trama after we were patial intergrated. But the ones before that had known safety did share the safety and helped others to join together when they learn it was safe for them.
I have experienced watching my body go through these episodes as if removed throughout my life, although not always. I developed tools to help me keep from "losing it" while learning all I could about basically every disorder on the previous list, and then some, throughout the years. I focus on patterns or objects around me and essentially try to shut out all of the "voices" that take off in those moments. I read that this is actually a tool to keep from switching when you have DID.
Yes it is good to ground. but when feeling safe try to let voice communicate with you. If you do have DID journaling and help with others will get them to work together and heal.
I am not aware of any trauma that I may have experienced, however, I have exhibited strange sexual behaviors since I was an infant, and my mother has told me that my aunt used to babysit me when I was very young and that she would have her boyfriends over a lot. So at the very least I witnessed sex very young. I also have an uncle who is currently serving 16 years for child molestation, but it was all on cases against young boys, so I don't think it would have been him.

I also wonder, if you have DID, do you hear actual "voices". Do your alters all have names, and how do they get those names. Do you see images of them?
Yes to all of the above and more!
Sorry if this was too long. I hope to hear back from you all, because I still feel so confused and feel strangely comforted at the thought that if it is possible to be DID, not know it, and be integrated through most of it, that it might actually offer me a closer answer to what is really going on with me. But I can't really know that until talking with people who have been officially diagnosed and hearing their stories and opinions. Thank you.

You can Pm us any time or read my bio page good luck on you inner jounry!

loveregardless · Feb 11, 2010, 11:23 PM

Last night was the first time that I seriously considered this as an option to explain what I experience. I decided to try and start an inner dialogue as I lay in bed and sort of meditated my way through it. Normally when I try to meditate, especially at night, I become quickly afraid of the mental images that follow. (What I always considered OCD)

Last night, the first image that popped into my head was of a grim reaper, scythe wielding and all, repeatedly cutting at me from all directions. Normally this would scare me off of "meditating" further, and even though another voice was telling me this was all nonsense and I was making it up/forcing, I just tried to breathe and remain open. After the "grim reaper" I saw the image of a baby making the "wah" face. I don't remember hearing anything, just seeing these two images. The baby was essentially BEHIND the "reaper". It looked like that cartoon baby at the beginning of 'Who Stole Roger Rabbit' the movie. Then I rolled over and tried to go to sleep.

When things get really intense, I hear what I call "the screaming in my head". But this baby wasn't screaming, just to clarify for myself I guess.

Today I managed to leave the house with my son and husband, who took the day off of work to be with me, because I've been fighting really hard lately and just needed some extra help/love. As I was getting ready to go I started to get very anxious and hear all of the fearful/worry thoughts coming on, I went into another room and tried to talk myself down. I just told myself that going out would be good, it would be fun, and that there was nothing to be afraid of. Later in the day I had another of my "sides" show themselves and I did the same.

I don't know whether or not I have DID or not, but thinking of the varying parts of myself that behave in such drastically different ways as individual personalities made today a more successful day. And that gives me hope.

P.S. Meds have done the exact same thing to me.

amandalouise · Feb 12, 2010, 01:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by loveregardless

I have been given several different diagnoses since the time I was around 12. It started with migraines, which I was medicated for. I was experiencing moderate OCD around this time and bouts of depression as well. Then when I was around 15 I began having "episodes" and was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and OCD as well as Narcissitic tendencies. I was heavily medicated throughout my teenage years. Around 18 I had a bad reaction to a new med and stopped taking them and seeing my psychiatrist. I started becoming more and more socially phobic around this age. When I was 21 I started experiencing severe OCD and panic attacks and went back to a new doctor and was put on meds again, to which I had a similar reaction as the first time, only this time I thought I was having seizures. I started seeing a new psychiatrist who changed my meds and had me go through testing for epilepsy. She diagnosed me as Borderline and Schizotypal. I continued to struggle with the new meds, only this time in the scariest way possible, and once again stopped taking them and quit seeing that psychiatrist as well.

All in all I have not had the best time finding what I would consider a competent psychiatrist and therefor don't really want to start seeing one again. I am now almost 25, married with a 7 month old son, and feel more "sane" and in control than I ever have. However, I still struggle every day. Some days are better than others, and I'm wondering if it is possible to have DID and not know that you have it? I was reading on other forums, stories of women who didn't know they were DID until their 30's, 40's, even 50's.... which seems nearly impossible for such a severe disorder. I know only what my research has shown me about DID, but I do know that it is possible to experience co-consciousness with your alters, and also to integrate your alters. I wonder if it is possible to have an integrated DID experience after very little time actually losing time.

I have experienced watching my body go through these episodes as if removed throughout my life, although not always. I developed tools to help me keep from "losing it" while learning all I could about basically every disorder on the previous list, and then some, throughout the years. I focus on patterns or objects around me and essentially try to shut out all of the "voices" that take off in those moments. I read that this is actually a tool to keep from switching when you have DID.

I am not aware of any trauma that I may have experienced, however, I have exhibited strange sexual behaviors since I was an infant, and my mother has told me that my aunt used to babysit me when I was very young and that she would have her boyfriends over a lot. So at the very least I witnessed sex very young. I also have an uncle who is currently serving 16 years for child molestation, but it was all on cases against young boys, so I don't think it would have been him.

I also wonder, if you have DID, do you hear actual "voices". Do your alters all have names, and how do they get those names. Do you see images of them?

Sorry if this was too long. I hope to hear back from you all, because I still feel so confused and feel strangely comforted at the thought that if it is possible to be DID, not know it, and be integrated through most of it, that it might actually offer me a closer answer to what is really going on with me. But I can't really know that until talking with people who have been officially diagnosed and hearing their stories and opinions. Thank you.

alot of things stand out to me in your posts. one thing is that you use pot on and off. doing this can cause the same symptoms of having DID, thats why at the moment the criteria for having DID says if the problems are because of drugs and alcohol you dont have DID. so to rule that one out you would need to be clean and sober for so long of a time and still be having the symptoms that come with DID.

Another thing that stands out is you said you have or had seizures. one of the things about DID is that your time loss and problems cant be because of having seizures. so to rule this one out you would need to go to a medical doctor and go through a battery of tests for all the known seizure disorders.

Migraines did the medication work? if so then you can safely rule out that symptom as pointing to having DID. Medication usually doesnt help with the headaches and migraines that come from switching alters.

As far as I know being socially phobic, OCD and having panic attacks does not point to having DID. people with DID can have other problems like those three but they are not exclusive to just being DID.

and as far as I know being sexually preoccupied also isnt a symptom of having DID. it does point to possibly having been sexually abused at some point in your life because alot of kids that are sexually abused act out those things that was done to them by themselves or with others too.

All that said yes you can have DID and not know it. I didnt know it for years and I had it all my life since I was 2 through to my 20's. With in the past year my alters have been integrating with me. this wasnt something I could do on my own because it entailed recovering repressed memories, learning to accept those memories as happening to me, and learning how to not dissociate when under stress and problems. I had to be in therapy for many years before all the work needed from beginning to end in order to integrate my alters. yes I actually heard the voices of some of my alters, some had names and some didnt, those that didnt my therapist and I did not give names to. No I never saw images of my alters in my head nor out.

A friend of mine though who has schizophrenia hears her alters voices inside and outside her head and sees the alters outside and inside of her head.

All the stuff you wrote for your symptoms and problems could be so many things. like google hearing voices and you will get at least 7 different diseases and mental disorders where one symptom is hearing voices. reading here isnt going to tell you one way or the other if you have any of the mental disorders here. to be diagnosed with accuracy you will need to see your doctor and a psychiatrist for testing.

WePow · Feb 12, 2010, 08:32 AM

In our case, it was suggested by a counsellor that we might have MPD (called then but now DID) and I about went off on him. In MY world, that was not an option.
But I did have missing time, would have people talk to me saying they were taking classes with me (classes I had no memory of taking but saw later on my college transcript!) and a host of other things such as the handwriting differences and odd partial memories. Anyway, it was not until a year ago when I got my official DX that I could actually research DID and "accept" it was my truth.

The very best thing you can is have an expert work with you. Might not be easy and might take some time to build trust. But an expert is a life saver with these things. DID is not a true "illness" in a traditional sense of something being "wrong" with a person. DID is a "wellness" and a defense of the mind that allows mental and emotional survival for an individual. If you think you do have any of the DD symptoms, then working with an expert to find out the roots is going to be what allows you to heal properly from the past.

Feb 12, 2010, 09:01 AM

((((((((((((((((loveregardless))))))))))))))

I didn't know until I was in my late 30s, although I had been losing time, etc. for many years. I thought everyone else experienced the world the same way I did (forgetting what day/month/season/year it is, losing days) and once I found out that wasn't true, I thought that I just had a really really bad memory.

Working with a therapist is helping me. It's painful to look at all of the reasons I split off, but I'm getting my life back, and that's huge.

loveregardless · Feb 12, 2010, 11:08 AM

Thank you all for taking the time to share with me your experiences and thoughts. I really, really appreciate it.

I am seriously considering finding a therapist soon. If I meet someone with the firm decision to not go back on meds, from the beginning, things might go much better in the long run. Maybe a psychiatrist isn't the best way to go, maybe a psychotherapist or counselor would be better??

In answer to some of your questions, I was tested for seizures back when the meds were reacting very badly in my system and I thought I was having them, and the results were negative.

I don't remember how well the medication actually worked for my migraines over all (I was about 12), but I do remember still getting them (only because I remember the torture that I went through from the other children in middle school making fun of my for them), and more than that, passing out from the medication they had me on.

In the merck information it said that people who eventually discover that their diagnoses is DID have usually been "in the system" for nearly a decade and have an average of 3 previous diagnoses, that's why I thought my previous experiences would be relevant when sharing/asking.

I'm by no means looking for a diagnoses from these conversations, or assuming that anything means or concludes anything. I do however appreciate anyone that takes the time to welcome me and share with me such as you all have. =)

Jewels · Feb 12, 2010, 12:02 PM

I agree with Amandalouise. Her points are valid and telling. And, just because you have been dxd with 3 different things doesn't mean you are DID. You aren't simply because of that. And being non-compliant with your former psychiatrists tells me that you are Borderline. I think that dx was a correct one. Bouncing from psychiatrist to psychiatrist suggests that you want a certain dx and won't stop until you get the one you want. I think you need to find a psychiatrist, and let that person dx you, and then go on and stay on the drugs that you need to be on. Bouncing from one to another is not good for either you OR the psychiatrist. They will, in the long run, not look at you very long before they drop you for non-compliance. You need to stick with one, regardless of whether you feel you are having the same symptoms as your dx. Sticking with one psychiatrist will also cause a bond that will help being able to talk to each other about problems that you are now not sharing because you aren't going to anyone. Find a psychiatrist and stick with him/her. That is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Feb 12, 2010, 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jewels

And being non-compliant with your former psychiatrists tells me that you are Borderline. I think that dx was a correct one.

I just want to peacefully and respectfully say that we really can't diagnose people here...

loveregardless · Feb 12, 2010, 12:58 PM

I have had two psychiatrists in my life. One for a few years as a teenager, and another briefly when I was 21. The first, was quick to diagnose and medicate me. I spent my teenage years HEAVILY medicated, on the strongest dose of depakote that they could give me, and something else I can't remember. Paxil I think. I was numb and thought I was invincible. When my mother left at 18, I became severely depressed and my doctor switched me to an anti-depressant. The anti-depressant reacted in my system and I became VERY manic. I stopped taking the medication before I could get in for another appointment because I was having suicidal thoughts and not sleeping/acting out in other ways. When I went back to see my psych, she said that I was lucky that I didn' end up in the hospital. After hearing her say that to me, I did not trust her anymore.

When I was 21, I saw a psychiatrist who was aloof and impersonal. I was on Medicaid at the time and she was a part of a very low funded community of therapists in my area, and when I reacted to the meds she prescribed me by having what I thought were seizures, becoming obsessed with suicide, and self-harming repeatedly, I tried to contact her to get in to see her asap and she told me that she could not make time for me and suggested I hospitalize myself. She took no personal responsibility, nor showed any concern for what I was experiencing, and I decided at that point that I would never choose the route of traditional psychiatry again, because for the second time in my life I had nearly ended everything as a result of medication.

When the first psychiatrist diagnosed me, I went along with that diagnoses. I even carried it over to the psychiatrist I saw at 21, and she told me she disagreed with my previous diagnoses and gave me a new one. When making the decision to see the psychiatrist at all I was completely willing to go along with whatever they said and wherever they led, otherwise I wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place.

I only came to the idea of gaining knowledge and reaching out to people with DID in the past few days. And I do not even believe in traditional diagnoses enough to WANT to be diagnosed as anything. I just WANT to understand myself and others as much as possible. And by saying that, I simply mean that everything is more complicated that JUST being one thing or another. There are no black or white answers to anything in life.

I am not someone who denies things about herself. Self awareness, healing and growth is my #1 goal.

I am here to form positive relationships and gather helpful information and insight. I appreciate anyone who shares my intentions with kindness and open mindedness.

Jewels · Feb 12, 2010, 05:56 PM

Treehouse...I wasn't dxing her...she said that was her dx when she went to her psychiatrist...that wasn't my dx at all...but with all the hoopla...perhaps that was overlooked when you read just my interjection and did not read the original post by the poster...

sabby · Feb 12, 2010, 09:33 PM

Hey everyone, thank you for your input but please, let's stay on topic supportively. Remember that sometimes our "matter of fact" wording can sound somewhat harsher than we intended them to sound.

Thanks!
_sabby_

wanttoheal · Feb 12, 2010, 11:03 PM

(((((((((((((((((loveregardless)))))))))))))))))) I think it can take a while sometimes to figure out what's going on. I was not diagnosed with DID until my 30s I think (have a hard time with time). Getting the right diagnosis can be very helpful in getting well, imo.

Also, having a T that understands and knows what goes on for me has helped me immensely. We are able to cover a lot of ground because she knows what's going on.

No matter what the end diagnosis will be, I think it will help you to know (even if it's scary sometimes). Perhaps instead of a psychiatrist, you might find a psychologist? Then you don't have to address the issue of meds right now but can get to the root of what's going on for you so you will know what is needed to treat it and heal.

Best of luck to you as you figure things out. Please keep us posted, we care.

paddym22 · Feb 13, 2010, 01:15 AM

((((((((((Loveregardless))))))))))) I think you are admirable and quite intelligent and insightful. I hope you find your way soon.

Rhapsody · Feb 13, 2010, 04:25 AM

Yes, it is possible to have DID and not know it... I was not Dx with DID until I had a mental breakdown at age 30 (i am 42 now) and from what my therapist and I came up with I was probably aware that some thing was different with me around age 12 - I just didn't know what.

Seeing a professional that can correctly Dx you is the way to go here, but feel free to share and ask question in the mean time... ((( hugs )))

loveregardless · Feb 13, 2010, 09:04 AM

I don't know if I'm overusing these Thank You buttons, but...

Thank You, so very much everyone!!

paddym2, that was remarkably sweet of you, and it put a huge smile on my face. I definitely needed that this morning. =)

loveregardless · Feb 13, 2010, 01:10 PM

I have found a therapist that I am going to meet with for a consultation, and see where it goes from there. She is not nearly as expensive as I thought someone would be in the NYC area, so that means it would actually be feasible for me to see her regularly if it worked out. She is a psychoanalyst.

I am actually really excited about it. It took me a long time of looking through websites and links to arrive at the decision to contact her. She stood out to me from all the rest.

I'll keep you posted! (((huggs)))

wanttoheal · Feb 13, 2010, 01:39 PM

Yay! Good job

I hope she works out well for you.

darkpurplesecrets · Feb 13, 2010, 04:09 PM

((((lovereguardless))))

Thank you for posting. I know that trying to figure out what is going on is hard. I was not DX'd until later in life. I went to a t for a long time and she thought I might be DID but she did not know. At that point I was scared and did not want to hear that.

It was not until years later that it came to light. It was hard to accept but I knew something was happening and I was losing so much time and my migraines were such that could not be stopped with any medicine. I still get those headaches today when I which out. And they really hurt.

I am not sure what you have but I really think getting back into therapy would be good for you. Having a t would help you as you walk through this path. Sometimes it takes years for those within to appear as they are not trusting just as we are not trusting.

For me, I am still receiving and finding out of others within. And some that were present one time went back into hiding after a traumatic event happened and they are just now re-appearing. Slowly and with fear they are beginning to reach out.

So I think the answer is yes to your question as far as having DID and not knowing it. But the best thing you can do is find a t and begin seaching with them. Only you know what is really taking place within but they can help you sort through things that otherwise might not be sorted through.

I wish you luck on your journey. And I hope you will keep posting and reaching out here. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. I know it is trying and hard but there is hope out there. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps

krazy_phoenix · Feb 14, 2010, 07:43 PM

if okay... (((((((((((loveregardless))))))))))))

kp

loveregardless · Feb 15, 2010, 05:01 PM

Of course it's ok, krazy!! I love hugs, and the last few days I certainly needed them!!

I go in for my first apt. Friday evening. I am excited and nervous, and just hope that I don't panic before hand and actually make it to the apt. I think I will. I feel surprisingly positive about it. And I'm going to work on maintaining a positive internal dialogue all week so that I'll have a better chance of "success". I usually know from the beginning when I agree to something that I have a slim chance of making it to. This doesn't feel like that.