shut up head!

many months ago I went back into denial
(people who know me on PC knows this happens
ALL. THE. FREAKING. TIME. Seriously, it's a cycle)

and for a very long time all seemed to be back to normal
Or well.... relatively normal at least...
I thought I figured it out! And did what needed to be done

but increasing every day
Is a kind of tension within my mind
as though these things never really left
and are just lurking, waiting
for the slightest crack in my vigilance
to spring forth again.

It's something I wanted to talk about for awhile really
My issues with these things
but, I just couldn't form the words
I didn't really know what I wanted to talk about
or even why really.

but then I realized this was what it was

[Hunny]

Originally Posted by Kaika

shut up head!

many months ago I went back into denial
(people who know me on PC knows this happens
ALL. THE. FREAKING. TIME. Seriously, it's a cycle)

and for a very long time all seemed to be back to normal
Or well.... relatively normal at least...
I thought I figured it out! And did what needed to be done

but increasing every day
Is a kind of tension within my mind
as though these things never really left
and are just lurking, waiting
for the slightest crack in my vigilance
to spring forth again.

It's something I wanted to talk about for awhile really
My issues with these things
but, I just couldn't form the words
I didn't really know what I wanted to talk about
or even why really.

but then I realized this was what it was

Kaika

It seems like denial is a place to go to, at times, for some good reasons, at times.

Vigilance is pretty common too during this time, it helps hold it all in a static way.

Sometimes pulling in feels like a necessary thing to do and when safe again you can let out what you need to. This is often a bit of a cycle for me too.

Sometimes forcing things make it worse so it is good to let it unfold as it seems to be.

You are doing well for who you are Kaika and now it's just time to be seeing this.

.

[Yoda]

We're here to talk.

It sounds like you are making some positive change.

[Amanda1960]

Hey Kaika, This happens to me too. Everything gets normaland quiet. I have even tried to "make" "IT" come back to just see if I could but it woulodnt so I would go into the denial phase.

Unfortuneately something would ultimately happen to trigger me...most recently was almost in a car accident on the highway...and wham we have peeps again. It like they go away in hiding or something just to make you think your "normal"

But on the good side this was the incident that brought me back to therapy and now I am understanding more about myself.

Hang in there cause your not alone and we are listening

Yes well...

I'm the kind of person who needs facts in order to believe something. (as you can imagine this has consequences that aren't related to my cycling denial- maintaining spiritual health is almost impossible... though I feel I am finding my way a bit recently through the shamanic healing group that we have that rekindled it so to speak.)

The only way to really break the denial is probably a professional diagnosis of... anything really. I like to put names on my feelings.

It makes me kind of wish I could see my T sometime soon because I havn't seen him in months... just as well though, after our last session I have lost the will to write in my journal that is my primary form of communication with him anyways.

[anderson]

((((Kiaka)))) We are creatures of spirit. We go throught he same thing at times we only feel a few part then wham we have all out front and center. There is no physcal name that we can give you or scientific facts I am aware of some brian scans that prove that a person with DID has more brain function all we have to do is learn how to use it but I am havin a hard time getting my hands on it. It is truely amases me as children we have no problem seeing the spirit worl but when we are adults we are noe trianed by the sociaty that the spirit world does not exist to that we have one question "If sprirt does not exist them why in our science have they proven that in the smallest part of an atom it is 90% air." Science is proven that there is a higher life form but like the dark years of the cathlic church we are made not to be for real for if those that preach what we are not to be true then they would have to accept that which can not be seen. We hope that the shamic cicle is more hope then pain. May the great spirit be with you my friend in sprirt.

[Hunny]

Kaika,

it is so interesting that Anderson responded to you this way Kaika as today you were on our minds with reinforcing this exact message.

We agree with a spirit world, like Anderson has mentioned. We remember singing in church as a 'wee child', "God sees the little sparrow fall, it meets His tender view". It occured to that 'wee one' at the time that how could that possibly be God because the windows were up so high and how could He see through. We learned over the course of time that we survived way more than 'high windows' due to a spiritual connection to this universe that has kept us alive to this day!

We support you entirely on your spiritual quest. Keep searching 'little one' you are sensing in a direction to the truth of it all.

Love,
Hunny

.

when I fall asleep it feels as though when you are swimming underwater but looking at it's surface (have you ever done that some time? I suggest you do with goggles because it's really pretty) however when I try to sink deeper then just below the surface like the buoyancy of the body keeps it afloat, so to does the buoyancy of the mind keep me from going further into myself.

[anderson]

WE love the way you said that. Now the next question is have you ever took swimming lessons. It is the same way with the mind. You are safe and comfortable in the place that you are now in. Just like the beginning swimmer is but once you feel safe in the water you will be able to go deeper into the water with out thought. Now this is olympic training of the mind. It is not as easy to do now that you are an adult. As children we took so much on faith that it still amazes me that we survived that which most adults could not have done so.

Originally Posted by Kaika

when I fall asleep it feels as though when you are swimming underwater but looking at it's surface (have you ever done that some time? I suggest you do with goggles because it's really pretty) however when I try to sink deeper then just below the surface like the buoyancy of the body keeps it afloat, so to does the buoyancy of the mind keep me from going further into myself.

my brain feels leaky...
I forgot things that I remembered before
and I remembered things that I didn't before
not bad things, little mundane things
and it makes me feel like I'm not missing anything at all

though there are still things I find impossible to write off as power of suggestion, etc. though both things are PTSD related and not DD related.

[anderson]

Hugs from us til we feel stonger, but it is true we all have to go one step at a time as we heal and grow too!

[Typo]

(((((((((Kaika))))))))

Dear you are far from stupid, this is all very hard and complicated stuff, it is very normal to go back to the safety of denial ( I do it quite often) it's sort of like a defense mechanism for the mind.

Things will get better hun, keep journaling and know you always have support and love here at Pc and you can stop by and pm me anytime

Lots of hugs
Typo

I keep thinking that people are saying mean things about me behind my back around here. I know in my head that's probably not true but the thought is still there. It's not even a matter of anxiety because it's not something that I fear- just a sort of sinking feeling. I don't have a lot of trust anymore.

you know depersonalization and derealization happens to me a lot... I dissociate a lot... not in the losing time/DID sort of way but of being pulled away as though a barrier exists between myself and the situation... a thin one yes, but it is still there. But it's never when I feel like I need it- it's kind of random to me really... there have been so many times these past couple of years where I have felt intense feelings of fear, sadness, and anger, and it's during those times I wish I was away how firmly cemented in I was.

[Hunny]

Not sure what to say Kaika but maybe I just could give you a gentle hug and say, I care.

Love,
Hunny

.

I appreciate both the hug and caring

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Kaika

many months ago I went back into denial... and for a very long time all seemed to be back to normal...
but increasing every day
Is a kind of tension within my mind
as though these things never really left
and are just lurking, waiting
for the slightest crack in my vigilance
to spring forth again.

I'm with Hunny on this:

Originally Posted by Hunny

It seems like denial is a place to go to, at times, for some good reasons...

Sometimes forcing things make it worse so it is good to let it unfold as it seems to be.

Throughout my teens and twenties I worried that, bad as things seemed at times, I was obviously in denial or they'd look and feel even worse. In retrospect it looks like a lot of my problems stemmed from obsessing about being in denial and/or not vigilant enough.

I understand that a very similar attitude was (and apparently still is) known in religious circles as scrupulosity. I'm not Catholic (nor even Christian) but although this article is clearly from a Catholic perspective, I found it very interesting from a psychological one as well. I'm taking the liberty of "linkluding" it here, not for the explicitly religious discussion in it but for its surprisingly enlightened views (IMO) on scrupulosity:

Liguori Publications: Ten Commandments for the Scrupulous

I'm not quite sure if I fully understand what you are saying

[anderson]

Kiaka, we be sending you safe hugs if u like and to let u know we be here for u we thank u be a good person and want u know we wove talking to you. The jurney with in is never an easy trip but pleace keep coming here .

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Kaika

I'm not quite sure if I fully understand what you are saying

I meant that sometimes we might find ourselves coming from a place where we've had a hard day or week, we're at the ragged edge, the only thing that promises to make us feel better is (a drink, a smoke, a long nap, a two-hour bath, a box of cookies, watching a night of bad TV, flipping off the boss...) so we do, whether it's supposed to be bad for us or not, and don't see that we have much of a choice in the matter. Somebody watching from a safe distance might say we're "in denial" because we aren't worried enough about what we're doing to ourselves.

Other times we might find ourselves coming from a place where we're expecting to find we're "in denial," being too easy on ourselves, but aren't about to let ourselves be caught at it. We go out of our way to prove we're not: no drinks, no smokes, no napping, no sugar, no TV, suck it up with the boss. It looks like the very opposite of denial even though it's no better a place and probably not a whole lot better for us. My parents seemed reassured to see me in this space because they were afraid of finding me in denial, "spoiled". I don't have a good name for this place but "scrupulosity" seems to point in the same general direction. I found it fascinating how that article I linked to, managed to nicely debunk the way I think when I'm being too hard on myself. I was wondering if it did anything of the kind for you.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Kaika

I keep thinking that people are saying mean things about me behind my back around here.

You're not by any chance saying mean things about yourself and expecting the rest of us to pitch in?

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

You're not by any chance saying mean things about yourself and expecting the rest of us to pitch in?

no.

Originally Posted by Fool Zero

I found it fascinating how that article I linked to, managed to nicely debunk the way I think when I'm being too hard on myself. I was wondering if it did anything of the kind for you.

Also no.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Kaika

no

Also no.

We must not be on the same wavelength or something. Sorry 'bout that.

It's ok, it happens

had another episode of weirdness tonight, feeling like such a failure at life I went to my room and decided to lay down (hey, it's what I normally do in these situations) just staring at the wall, it was newly painted white, I thought to myself, that maybe I can draw on the walls and fill up the blank space... at first I wanted to use crayons but I knew that'd be hard to wash off, and I thought as long as it will wash of maybe i could draw on them. I thought about my washable markers, those bright colors, and wondered what I'd write about. Immediately I knew I wanted the subject to be sex. I kept wanting to reach out and touch the walls, as though trying to grab at them in some way... it's hard to describe, but I had the feeling I did that before when I was a kid and in what I'm assuming is an equally unbalanced state. I looked over to a chair in the corner of my room, I really wanted to hide behind it... but I never did. I wasn't entirely against the idea so I'm not sure why I didn't but I guess I wanted to see how far this little rabbit hole goes and thus didn't want to break the weird trance like state that when I had almost the same thing earlier it actually led to a legitimate flashback (and then not to long after, maybe a few weeks but it's hard to tell because having no real schedule doesn't help my already lacking sense of time... was followed by another one). anyways, when thinking about it... the little me refers to the abuser as daddy but I know it wasn't him, for several reasons really, so I guess that's just a nickname. This state didn't last that long though because my mom knocked on my door and that startled the crap out of me and after telling me she found what she was looking for (a completely unrelated story) she asked me if I was ok, I told her I was (and it wasn't really a lie either because being startled like that is an effective way of grounding for me) after she left even though I was pretty much in a normal state of mind at that point I did take a note to self looking around my room of all of the different hiding spots in my room. I tried really hard not to fall asleep but I did. After I woke up I ate a lot and now I'm not feeling well, I'm not sure if it's related to the "slept to much" feeling or the "I ate too many carbs and my blood sugar and insulin levels are probably wonky" feeling or if it's the "I'm messed in the head" feeling or all of the above.

[Fox]

{hugs Kaika}