[Bmee2]

i do not know how others do it. i am ashamed of this diagnosis. i thought here would be an okay place not to hide so much but....i have read posts that suggest i be more than a little careful. Crap! i am embarrassed even with my pdoc. i keep thinking it makes us less than....the mother thinks i am not capable because i am "sick". i just want to vomit. My fault for being poor and too stupid not to die but instead hung on to not be able to put the past in the past and leave it there. No too stupid to figure that out. So it is hard to connect to the world if you have to hide all of you, hide your past, hide your scars, fake being ordinary, and relatively happy just to socialize. How can you tell who is safe and who to stay away from? Is everyone a wolf in sheep's clothing? Why do not we know the difference? Why cannot that lesson be taught now? If only all this negative past, present and future stuff could be vomited. i just want to be accepted, loved, wanted, believed in, trusted, and valued. Okay i am asking for too much. There is no point in me getting upset here. No point is this conversation. Just more rambling on my part. i will close the lips and mind as best i can and try sleep.

[Irine]

Can i ask - "i will close the lips and mind as best i can " - whether you have done those before? an dhow many times? and where has it led you - if not to the current condition?

I was diagnosed with this too. I know how society is trying to ignore people with traumatic past, etc, because it reflects it to itself. But you are by far not alone and not stupid. You need to stop hiding at least from yourself. I understand the embarrassment.

But death will not solve the problem either. I don`t think it is what we think it is. I understand your feelings so well! This self sabotaging, angry feelings. I have them so often too!! Still - it helps because not ALL the parts we dissociate from are self hating or destructive in this way or another.

To tell the difference between those who are safe and those whom you need to stay away from is listening to your instincts, waiting and looking at the ACTION the person makes, rather than at the words they say. Actions, deeds of a person show much more than what they say.

In order to " be able to put the past in the past and leave it there" you need to process it first. You probably don`t hand on to the past, but the past will be hanging on to you until you listen....

I know how you feel, my friends. But inside you, among the dissociated parts, there are those who hold treasure for you - significance, meaning of life, freedom, joy self esteem. When you own your story you get connected again you will be happier. It does not mean not suffering but it does mean much more strength to deal with it. The suffering DOES go away slowly. It remains - but less and less....

[Omers]

I have read some research on trauma that suggests that during traumatic events it takes more intelligence to learn to disassociate than many other kinds of coping.

It also feels like you are feeling things very deeply right now which is the opposite of disassociating. It also feels like you are doing a lot of processing right now and that is a good thing.

I remember a point about 3 years into therapy (I take my dear sweet time) when I started feeling like it would have been easier if people hadn't told me what I had been through was wrong. If people would have just let me be even if I was dissociative. How it would just be easier if I could go back and never have to learn about my trauma and the impact it had on me.
I have since learned it is better to push through. Allow the hard times to rush over me and then let them recede like the tide. Letting the water take a little more of the pain with it each time. I have learned to allow my body to release all the things it couldn't at the time. To cry when sadness fills my eyes and to scream when anger fills my lungs.
I have a part, a very young, scared part, who "lives" in my belly. At least that's where I feel her. She came into being on lots of cold hungry nights. When she is upset or remembering something I get all the symptoms of a stomach bug but none of the medicines help and the Dr. couldn't find anything wrong. I have learned (slowly) to ask her what she needs when I start having feelings in my belly. Some times we sit and slowly sip a warm cup of tea or hot chocolate, really feeling the warmth of the drink as it slowly fills our mouth and moves down our throat. Other times it is pizza, hot wings or ice cream...

OK, now I've just made myself hungry! good thing it is lunch time!!!

Anyway, know that you are not alone, know that you should be proud of all you have done to keep yourself alive and know that this too shall pass leaving you feeling better when it does.

just my 2 cents

[Bmee2]

Thank you ladymacabeth and omers, not talking has not helped at all. It has made therapy harder and longer. RA reinforced the "never speak" so the slightest hint at rejection for being "me" the instant we, i , run. Angry that i need to hide and do not want to. and just Angry. Our first T sort of abandoned us and we are just now beginning to process it. That was six years ago. We got a new therapist but a year ago she stopped working nearby and now just works from home. So for over a year now we just have had our pdoc. This has made us feel stifled and afraid to open up with pdoc ...afraid to be left again. So we have embarked on trying to find a T not too far away that is willing to treat us. So all of the shame and embarrassment and unprocessed feelings about the departure of the first T have resurfaced.
Please i am sorry for the outburst. i should erase that post. i hope you do not dislike me because of what i posted. i will see if i can change it.

((((( Bmee2 )))))

Hello, Bmee2. Please do not apologize for being human and having to endure the remnants of severe trauma. You will not be ostracized for seeking support and understanding. I hope you are able to seek the assistance of a therapist again.

Be well.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Bmee2))))

First thank you for posting and sharing how you are feeling. You are never stupid. The questions you asked and the feelings you have are valid. I think many of us have asked the same questions more than once.

Truth is what we did to survive was very creative and good. Even saying that I know that feeling of not wanting to be this way and of trying to make it go away by ignoring it or beating myself up.

Connecting to the world is hard and something we still have not been able to do in so many ways. Belonging was something we never felt and even today we feel we do not belong. So much lately I feel so disconnected and not able to find me. It is like I am standing on the outside of it all watching and listening to everyone within.

For us we cannot tell the difference because so many times it was all mixed up never allowing us to feel anything but the confusion and fear. Telling who is safe and who is not takes time and takes listening to your self. Asking questions and feeling it out. If it does not feel safe then you are probably right, but often times things do not feel safe and we have to back away.

Not hiding here is okay. You are not judged and there are no expectations. You are accepted for who you are, and wanted. You are valued because you are a human being. We believe you for we have no reason to not believe you. I think as we begin to believe in ourselves we can then begin to accept that we are believed and valued.

I am glad that you shared your ramblings as you call them with us and felt safe enough to do that. As you continue to post and reach out it will become easier to do so. Give yourself time. None of us got this way overnight and it will take time to work through it all.

You deserve to be heard and to be cared about. What you have to say is important and it means something. We all have experienced different things but we all have many thing that are similar. You belong here and we are glad you are.

I know the feelings you feel and I know the terror that pulls us back at times and makes us feel no one understands or can relate. We go through times we cannot post because the fear feels too big. But we know that when we are ready we can post once again and others will be there to listen, support, encourage, and care.

I am sorry your first t abandoned you. You did not deserve that. I do hope that you find a new t. But until them I hope you will keep reaching out and posting. We are listening and hear you.

I can relate to what you are feeling and the need to hide and to "never speak." Those two words along with the threats terrified us for a long time and still do. Fear and terror do something to you and it steals away your ability to sometimes be able to feel or to say anything at all.

Know that we are here for you and that what you have to say is important . Please keep reaching and posting as you can. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[invisigirl]

you are not asking too much at all. what you are asking are basic human needs. and you have just as much right to them as anyone else here! to be loved, believed, trusted, valued... these are all things that all people need. and, for now, you can find them here with us. I hope that you are able to get a good T who can stay with you much longer so that you do not have to experience that abandonment again.

[krazy_phoenix]

((((((((((((Bmee))))))))))))))),
if ok.

[Irine]

Originally Posted by Bmee2

Please i am sorry for the outburst. i should erase that post. i hope you do not dislike me because of what i posted. i will see if i can change it.

ugh! i can completely relate and identify. I am always afraid of that too. Believe it or not - your words do not make such a huge impact - i know that to YOU the feelings you describe are painful or disturbing...and i can feel you because i am going through the same all the time. When i read whatever it is what you write it is not disturbing at all. You are the one who is angry - for reasons that many can understand.


we are not angry. You have said nothing but what hurts you. And the same things hurt many others in these forums.These are clear and simple tings - but when feeling like this - its nice to have a reminder.

[DancingAlone]

dear Bmee2,
is hard to say. we feel the same. fear to tell, fear to feel, hide so so many years, never tell. was shame to tell, was me was wrong, not the others who hurt us. was my fault. oh no, so wrong that is!

scared to come here to d.i.d area most days. would rather run away and laugh it away or cry silent tears and hide again. this is not good i know now. is very important to face and go through memories and then better on the other side is healing.

so tired of the mask i wear for the world. so tired of the lies i say to stay accepted and not called crazy in head. only trust a very few.

sunday had to go to emergency room for fall...hurt knee. told the nurse new diagnosis d.i.d. then yelled "no no! don't put that down! work might see!"

ladymacabethadmunsen is right:
In order to "be able to put the past in the past and leave it there" you need to process it first. You probably don`t hang on to the past, but the past will be hanging on to you until you listen....


is time Bmee2. *i* am 63. we can do this together. am holding your hand. we deserve a good life. no blame, no shame, it wasn't our fault.

[Crew]

(((((((Bmee2)))))

Your so easy to care about, did you know that?

Just thought you ought to know,

Peace,
Crew

[Bmee2]

Originally Posted by Crew

(((((((Bmee2)))))

Your so easy to care about, did you know that?

Just thought you ought to know,

Peace,
Crew

Crew you made me(s) smile. thank you and i wish i had a Maggie may to find oscars....lol. Did you know i have been traveling on the wings of my green little
birdy and sleeping with my dolphin friends.

[Crew]

YaY ((((Bmee))))) and I've played with dolphins and breathed the water deep withing as if I were a ocean being..................... and Bmee, you eventually learn to walk through your shame, learn to cry, learn to do many things. Know what though, gotta kick that "Shame" out of that door cause it just doesn't belong to anyone, imo. It is hard to deal with this diagnosis however you learn you and you learn how you will choose to heal from this. It is so possible, we know you can do it and will be with you along your journey. Maybe we aren't suppose to find a T for us now, so we think well I have PC with all my friends that truly care about me. Time to shed the shame that those that hurt you put on you and you choose to keep. Now were looking at everything we picked up good and bad from our bad and we throw away those things that have SHAME on them. Does this make any sense?
Our heart is with (((Bmee2)))) for ever and ever. You are not alone and people care about you and I'm first in line. Maybe your journey is where it's suppose to be and somehow we have to maybe learn from what is right in front of us. Just please know were here to support and we will do that with every ounce of our being..................
This is a really long post but so what, cause I am Crew supporting my friend at this time........................ Crew
WERE are Beside YOU BMee all the way............................

Crew