[kerria]

so upset. So much is wrong. H was angry . The physical pain is bad abd it always feels like i was just hurt . i always forget that it's nerve injury pain.
i'm having bad flashbacks and switching. Lost time and i became k. and in the middle of woods alone.

Tonight h won't talk to me, playing mind games. Why doesn't anyone love me? tears

it feels like none of me is real. tears

((((((((((((((kerria))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry.. Sending prayers your away.

[misty]

((((((((((((k,kerria))))))))))))))) sorry you hurt so bad and flashes are yuky h's is not nice. i care and believe you are real. you are here talking and that makes you real.
suz

Do you have a T or anyone who can help you IRL that you can call? Flashes stink and some h's can be so insensitive to say the least but please know that we really do care about you. ((((((((((((kerria,k)))))))))
larks

[hillbunnyb]

kerria, Hi, you must be plumb tuckered out... switching in the woods..... whooooo I hate when that happens...... where do I live anyway, and how the blue blazes did I get here in the woods anyway...... I usually blank the getting home part. Just find myself exhausted at some point, somewhere I recognize, sometimes I'm home already....... scarey stuff. I feel for ya. This time of yeaar I keep those hand warmer things and stuff in my jacket pockets, just in case. Be safe.

[Mahali]

Yes...please stay safe and be prepared if it is cold where you are. Do you have certain coats or something you find you are wearing when you find you have lost time? Can you put some things in the pockets? Just a thought.

If you could talk to T that may help. Set up some safety measures.

[dottie]

Hi. I am so sorry that you are going through the ringer now. Can't stand Mind games. A terrible thing to dole out to someone who is suffering. Healing prayers are going up for you. (I have been there) ::

TGC

[kerria]

Thank you Place, Esthersvirtue, suz and larks, Hillbunnyb and Dottie for writing. Today the work part had to work (away from home). She doesn't have anything to do with h or fear of him.

everything is a confusing mess because who i am keeps changing i wish h wouldn't be angry again and could care how hard it is for me. i'm so worried about what will happen.
Thanks for being there

Thinking of you and hoping things get better soon.

Petunia

[kerria]

Does anyone else have trouble with their life being all separated into parts?

i wish there were someone that understood. it's so hard to live this way and i don't have any support from anywhere. my family, my h doesn't understand, they think that i don't love them , my parts don't act the way i do .
H gets into arguement with my part and i don't agree with her either

why does this happen to me? why can't anyone understand and help me?

i wish my T could help me. i don't know what i could do to get better- so that i could agree with my parts and what they do and say.

everyone in my family misunderstands. i say 'it's not me , it's my part that said that"
but all they see is me.
Things are getting so bad. The more upset i am the worse it gets
i wish someone could help. i go to t every week and it doesn't make me any better able to be one with my parts.
Anyone have any experiences, ideas?
Thank you for listening,
kerria

[hillbunnyb]

Dear Kerria, So sorry you are feeling so isolated. Finding others who "really get it" is why I come here. I am so thankful I somehow found this site earlier this month.

I have been working on becoming whole for a long time. I never found any easy answers. Just coming to understand how I broke apart and knowing I was in pieces was big progress for me. Then I had to get to know them each. Figuring our what made them feel safe was priority 1. Giving them whatever that was included moving to the country where I could have quiet quiet quiet.

There are some therapists who specialize in our kind of stuff. Maybe yours could refer you??

PS My family doesn't get it at all. My brother thinks sleep comes with physical activity....... has no concept of not sleeping for years and years. Oh well. Like I said, I love this site, folks are so understanding and supportive my heart gets so big my eyes water.

Welcome Welcome Welcome

[kerria]

Thank you, hillbunnyb.

my T is an 'expert.' i don't know why it's so hard to live, why no one understands and what i'm doing wrong. It feels like everything i do is wrong to at least one part.
We're divided- that's why everything is so hard.

[January]

(((((((((((((( Kerria ))))))))))))))))

I hope you feel better soon. It sounds like you received some good advice on how to stay safe. Take good care.

Jan

I have at last count been able to match 25 names that appear on drawing writings and so on to 25 memory pieces.

It wasn't that hard at first. I had times when I woke up other places and couldnt remember things, new things showing up familiar things disappearing and so on have just always happened. So I didn't know these things didn't happen to others. kind of like someone raised on a farm with rhubarb in a garden patch or growing wild. And every day throughout the day they pick a stalk of rhubarb and eat it, no sugar or cooking just fresh out of the ground sour bitterness. That person can eat stalk after stalk with no reaction from the sourness, bitterness, and if they eat it enough their bodies regulate so that there is no bathroom results either. but then you take someone who has never had rhubarb and they are going to have results upon results from one stalk.

Well DID starts in childhood from abuse so the child (me) grew up with everything that happens with this disorder as being normal and nothings wrong. So when I couldn't remember something I either said ok I forgot sorry. or I went into my mental safe plafe and my body performed from the stored memory of what I had fogotten. No reason for me to get upset when this happened because I thought it was normal and everyone did it.

My behavior was different when I wasn't aware because I was acting out the stored memories but because those memories are situations and experiences that I experienced no one questioned the differences. People around me just thought I was moody. I could be quiet one minute and loud the next, laughing one minute and crying the next. one minute I could be sitting playing a piano and the next punch a teacher because she took my hands of the piano.To me this was normal. I didn't know any different.

It was only after I was in therapy for nightmares and depression that I found out this isn't normal and then got scared about it. Thanks to a terrific therapist Im back to not being scared of the things that happen. I now know why I act like I do. When something upsets me or reminds me of what I went through I relax myself by going into my mental safe place called la la land and my body goes on a sort of autopilot of acting out a memory. For example when I punched that teacher I was in la la land and my body was acting out a memory. That morning I had been abused. I went to school thinking about playing that piano. The day before I had been practicing my piano right after being abused so the next day after being abused before school when I went to la la land my body acted out by leaving my first class (gym) and finding a piano and playing it. The teacher came looking for me and trying to get me to stop playing the piano. No matter what she said I couldnt stop playing the piano because my body was rerunning a memory. When she couldn't stop my playing the piano by talking she picked up my hands off of the piano. my bodys reaction was to match her picking my hands up with another memory and during that experience I had punched my abuser so I automatically punched the teacher. Now that I know the process of what happens with DID. To fix it just takes finding the triggers and matching them with the right memories. Once I found out someone grabbing my wrists causes my brain to rerun the memory of punching my abuser I was able to take precautions so that everyone around me knows you don't grab my wrists to get my attention. Then to desensitize myself from this trigger I started wearing things on my wrists. First it was a small sticker for a few seconds throughout the day now I have no problems with wearing watches and bracelets and people can touch my hands and wrists without fear of my punching them.

Talk with your therapist. tell her you are ready to know what is wrong with you and why you act like you do and she will help you to start your own research and develop a therapy program to help you find your memories and the triggers for those memories so that you no longer act on them.

You will also find some great books and so on to help you along the way in the thread called - resource list - pinned to the top of the main page here.

[kerria]

Thank you for sharing, it's too hard to share.
i don't know how many insiders i have- so many are outsiders too and live in the outside world and make everything a confusing mess. My T doesn't want to know the memories . When i know them it doesn't ever make me better.
tears, kerria

Your therapist is right just knowing the memories isnt going to make a difference. the person has to look at their present life and find the trigger in the present that is causing the memory to rerun. Its like the above post and the memory piece called Margo. Just knowing the memory of being abused then practicing my piano lesson right after didn't fix the problem - my punching people. I had to think about what was going on in my present life at the time I punched and that was people walking up to me and grabbing my wrists to get my attention. Then I had to actively work on not being triggered when people touched my wrist first by starting to feel normal things on my wrists. its perfectly normal for people to walk up to someone and take their hand. its not normal for someone to overreact by punching people so that is where my focus had to be not 100% on the memory.

The memory is a done deal there was no going back and changing it and making it not happen. Knowing the memory just helps in understanding where the present behavior comes from thats all. memorys arent this big got to do something about it kind of thing they are just there. Your therapist is trying to keep the focus where it should be on the present behavior. it isn't that therapists don't want to know the memory. its their job to find out what your memories are. thats what cognative therapy which all united states therapists practice is about - taking care of todays problems by understanding where your beliefs and behaviors come from then putting new coping skills in place. It may feel like she is not wanting to know the memories because she has been trained to stear the clients to the present day problems but knowing memories is the therapists job.

Sometimes people can get so into the memory factor that they don't take care of the present. The key is to balance one - the memory - to take care of the other - the present. Once your therapist sees you know how to not get stuck in the past but use it like it should be used as a tool for the present she won't have to stear you away from the memorys so much you will be able to do that yourself.

As for insiders and outsiders. All memory pieces are insiders and outsiders.

Basically insiders are ALL memory pieces because they are memories inside your brain.

Outsiders discribes the acting out of those memory pieces.The memory is not just a memory but the person is acting on it which can be seen by the behavior, posture, expressions.

If you did not act out on the memory piece they would not be considered alternate personalities (alters, fragments, parts, memory pieces). The normal for example a cooking dinner memory that is stored consciously and is not triggered into rerunning is not an alter. Outsiders are not just the bad ones and insiders the good ones. They ALL have good and bad elements to them.

My 25 memory pieces are both insiders and outsiders. they are parts of memories stored in my brain (insiders) but ALL have been triggered in order to act out by drawing cleaning punching, whatever the memory content is (outsiders),

Talk with your therapist. She can help you if you really are ready to find your memories and triggers and actively use new coping tools so that your present life can be better, thats her job. Thats what therapy is.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Thats a very hard place to be in and I do not know what it is like..sorry ... I can tell it is very scary and frustrating. I am sorry h gets mad and that it feels like nobody unserstands ..I am thinking someone in here may understand where your family doesnt....

Many prayers

[shadowdancer]

i care about you kerria.

i'm sorry that things are so rough for you right now. if you want to talk, you are more than welcome to PM me anytime. that sounds like a scary way to come to and to not have the support you need from H during this time has to be incredibly upsetting. i would like to help, if i can. i am here to listen or talk or just be whenever you need someone.

please take care of you and try to stay safe.

(((((((((((((((kerria)))))))))))))))))


shadow