[Overcastbutclearing]

Can someone help me out here? I just recently acknowledged a little girl in side..she is 6. I was dealing w/ that for like 2-3 months when the other day I realized I think I have 2 other "parts" or something. Not sure how to describe what is going on in me but there is more now then just me and the girl. I am afraid to really tell T. But can someone tell me if maybe I am just imagining this or if this is possible being 36 years old for it to just be surfacing???

[allthegirls6]

Well,

I supose everyone is different. I was about the same age, maybe a few years younger. I have sketchy memories about it all. It felt like, for years, there was something I was avoiding, i knew I had these feelings and thoughts and they felt seperate, but more than that. I just wouldnt look at any of it. I then went into T and even then it took about 1 year for me to admit that i had different people in me.

What im saying is, in answer to your question, Yes, you can be that age and only just realise what is going on. It was the same for me. But when i finally did acknowledge what was happening and who I had inside it didnt feel like a shock, it felt a bit like coming home. Sorta waking up to myself. I had always sorta known that something very different was going on for me.

atg

Yup--could be possible to just be surfacing. I'm 52 and though I think I've known for a long time, others started making themselves known about 6 mos ago. My T said it is because my life finally stopped being crazy enough for them to start talking...sounds weird, but it's true.

[Zorah]

It is POSSIBLE, but unlikely, that this would be your first intimation of DID.
Have you had lost time in the past ?
Have you had episodes of dissociation, fugue, or any other symptoms like that?
Do you have memories of a continuous past ? Which all feels like you experienced it ?
Perhaps you have recovered a memory of a trauma, that would still not make you dissociative.
You should talk to your t about this, but don't expect a dissociative dx.

[allthegirls6]

Actually Zorah, you have made a great point. There are all these other things that go with having others. Like, I went to University for 4 years and remeber very little of it. In fact i even still have a hard time beleiving i went. It was like living in a play, where you only got to see one part and following the story was almost impossible sometimes. Oh the confusion and mix ups I had. Not knowing how i had done something or what had been said or even what i was a part of. It was scary. I often thought I was mad/crazy.

[Zorah]

(((((atg6))))), we know exactly what you're saying there

It was like that for us, & we can't even remember our sons

as children, let alone our first time at Uni, or even the

early part of our marriage, or anything before my older

son developed schizophrenia.

Rather, different parts remember different things, & it

depends who is in, what they remember.

It certainly causes a lot of confusion when you can't be

sure what the others have said & when you find yourself

somewhere & you don't know how you got there.

[kimmydawn]

Yes, there are many things that go with having "others" that makes for a dx surrounding it. Things that t here verified to the best of his capabilities.

Having said that, I wasn't dxed till I was 37/38. However, I always "knew" things about self. I just thought everyone was like that as well.

SJ, this is something you need to work on with t and be honest. She will know what to ask. There are many things that factor into dx's and it's confusing. Everyone supposedly is "parted" to a degree, just as dissociation can be normal. It was sooooooo confusing for me WITH discussing it with t. It still can be.

Maybe you should print this out and take it to her?

Love,

KD

[kimmydawn]

the other good point...extensive "loss" of time in life.

for instance, i have periods of time where life was COMPLETELY changed. in fact, i'm still living a life that i feel i didn't create. i won't go into detail, but "i" own very little of this young life, and am missing alot after that. it's though, huh, ladies?

weighing it though, i'll take not remembering to have those who kept me alive and sane.

KD

[allthegirls6]

yes kimmy, it does feel like not owning your own life. I have left jobs and met people years later and been confused when they have told me of things Ive done. I have no sense of dates and tracking back years is impossible. Its all mixed up and one knows this, while the other knows that. I dont lose time to the extent i used to, things are improving dramatically in that front for me.

So i agree that SJ you need to speak to your T. There are lots of things to consider and think about here for you and im sure your T will be able to set you straight and point you in the right direction.

atg

[Overcastbutclearing]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Zorah said:
It is POSSIBLE, but unlikely, that this would be your first intimation of DID.
Have you had lost time in the past ?
Have you had episodes of dissociation, fugue, or any other symptoms like that?
Do you have memories of a continuous past ? Which all feels like you experienced it ?
Perhaps you have recovered a memory of a trauma, that would still not make you dissociative.
You should talk to your t about this, but don't expect a dissociative dx.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is what my answers are to the best of my ability:
I cannot remember too much from my childhood all the way until my college years. My memories of my abuse are not even clear.
I always feel like I am the observer in my life...I am looking in. I can take part of something happening or go off into a nother world but it isn't me in the present.
I often feel like I have de ja vu...meaning ....something will happen and I swear it already happened. But it is stupid stuff nothing significant.

I am not looking for a DID dx...just help in understanding WTF is going on in my head. Very afraid to tell T....
I started trauma recovery therapy about 6 months ago and it seems most of what goes on in me is new.

[January]

Sometimes my heart breaks for all of you.


Many hugs,

Jan

[hillbunnyb]

...started trauma recovery therapy 6 months ago...? Hey, I guess it's working. "Stuff" is coming up like roses....... congratulations, you're working hard and getting somewhere.
I try to keep my safari hat on, ie, see myself as my own adventure into the unknown, and use the excitement of discovery to help keep the scared feelings at bay.

[kimmydawn]

girls,

we sound very similar in our pasts and in our present. The job thing? OMGoodness! We've started many jobs that I couldn't maintain...good jobs requiring certain qualifications that I didn't even know how I got, but knew that I couldn't maintain them. It's been a wild trip on many levels, yes?

Whew. I'm glad my awareness has so majorly increased. These parts of this dx I DO NOT miss!

This is turned into a very sharing thread. It's so good to know that I'm not alone. That possibly was the worst part when I realized just how different I was.

KD

My T had a bit of a clue when she asked me about my high school years and I just shrugged and said I knew I graduated because there is a picture.
Funny thing today I was reading a post I wrote on another board. Said I trained to be a grief counselor...hmmm, would like to know who that is. Husband asks if I remember working the suicide crisis line for 4 yrs or Who worked as a parent coordinator for Headstart program when my son was almost 3...or went to nursing school and worked as a nurse and a Vet tech?? went through some old records and looked at the old day planners and all the notes on them for all the things done--so like journals---different writing, very diverse activities. What I remember is going to a T and saying I was so depressed that I sat around and slept all day. Even have a copy of her plan that says I needed to incorporate some activity into my day then a note that says I haven't followed the plan...yet the daily planner is so full it barely left time to breath...
(never showed the T the planner cause I didn't know I had one!!!)

[allthegirls6]

absolutely kimmy,

When i first really got to grips with what was wrong with me I felt like the lonliest person in the world and also the weirdest. I was embarassed and felt like i should be trying to hide the problem. I mean, other people inside me?! How could it really be true and was i the only weirdo on the planet.

As for qualifications, I have an honours degree in Politics and when i think back to it and how i got it I shudder. I doesnt feel like my degree and, even to this day, i dread the day someone asks me to explain how i got it! I even expected someone else to stand up when my name got called at my graduation ceremony as I was sure i shouldnt be getting it.

It really has been a wild trip on a whole load of levels.

Its been good to talk on this, it really does help when you find others with a similar experience. It sorta makes me think "hey, maybe im normal" ( well maybe not! )

Audrey

[kimmydawn]

Yep, yep.

I think the thing that I still have the most problem with today is having to rely on, then trust, others.

I have to rely on those in my life to tell me when I don't know, then I have to trust them to be telling me the truth. I used to think that I was surrounded by liars. That really made the trust issues that much more.

At the other end, hubby and others were suspicious of me as well. I couldn't answer questions about where I was, what I'd been doing or why "I" did certain things.

One of the last attorneys that I worked for was more like an uncle. He would know when things weren't right and would come out a bit later and ask me what we had discussed in the office. His fav saying, "You never cease to amaze me." LOL. A part of me could write up legal pleadings, complaints, answers, etc., better than alot of attorneys...from scratch. LOL. One day, a magistrate stopped me in the hall of the courthouse and asked me to attend a class she was having for attys and paralegals on new domestic relations laws. I was honored, but freaked. LOL. Once I found myself in an interview for a job that I knew I couldn't do. However, we were there and had "passed" and was being offered the position at 20 yrs. I ran out of there. I can go on and on.

I didn't understand these things and would just "put them away". A couple of really big things happened and I sought therapy. It became clear pretty quickly that I wasn't the average cookie. Not long ago, a memory came out of an even 8 yrs. old where I had no clue, but there was documented proof. It helped me to trust my memories so much. So much has been validated. That's good and bad.

KD

[Fuzzybear]

Fuzzy

Sj -I can't tell you if you are imagining this but the first step I would take if this was me was looking at the DSM IV TR requirements (the published book that professionals use in starting their diagnosis process. The very first requirement for Dissociative Identity Disorder is TWO or more personalities that are repeatedly there right? There are other Dissoicaitive sypmtoms listed in the book under other dissociative dissorders.

So if a person sees a professional for any type of dissociation the professional keeps in mind the criteria for each one and as the clients behaviors show any of these symptoms they log them in to their reports and eventually have what they need to know how to treat t hat person.

Your therapist is most likely already seen this other child part and has not disclosed it to you which is the protocal here for people who are denying their diagnosis or don't know they have this. They basically wait until the client brings up the issue but they already know and are treating that person for the symptoms they exhibit but is ways that the client accepts.

Some of my memory pieces became known to me only after my therapist talked to me while I was in them and explained it was time I knew about them.

Talk with your therapist. Whether or not you get and accept a DID diagnosis most likely your therapist has already been meeting with this other child and or is keeping the fact that there could be more according to the DSM in mind so its not going to shock her/him.

Not talking about it could cause session problems like The therapist can't talk with you about this other child until you disclose you know it there, and you not tell the therapist you know that child is there. during therapy you may end up not talking at all because you are hiding this secret and therapist not knowing you know so not bringing it up. no work will be able to get done and it could interfer with the client therapist relationship because your therapist may think your sudden change during sessions means you don't have trust and so on for them and refer you to someone else.

Take care.

Could be that you are experiencing something like this.

Depersonalization Disorder

As with other disorders in this category, an acute stressor is often the precursor to onset.

Symptoms

This disorder is characterized by feelings of unreality, that your body does not belong to you, or that you are constantly in a dreamlike state.

Dissociative Amnesia

This disorder is typically brought on by a traumatic event.

Symptoms

The primary symptoms are memory gaps related to traumatic or stressful events which are too extreme to be accounted for by normal forgetting.

Reference

[Gemstone]

From what I have read Dissociative symptoms are quite common in Borderline Personality disorder.

A lot of experts also believe that everyone has an inner child or inner children. Having an inner child does not mean that you have DID.

Take a look at this article. Its about BPD and your inner child.

http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/3661/85236

[Gemstone]

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

I took this from http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx10.htm

[wanttoheal]

This is a great thread. It really helps to know I am not alone too. I remember one time arguing about the fact that I apparently argued about saying something. I didn't remember the saying it and I didn't remember the arguing about saying it. So, I ended up arguing about saying it, and about the argument. (Does that even make sense?) What a confusing mess.

It's funny what I think is normal and find out from T that it's not actually a "normal" thought. I say all the time, really? People don't do that? People don't think that?

I have had too many events that happened that have affected my life today even though I have no memory of doing them. It's shocking to say the least when another piece of the puzzle comes up.

Everyone has such good advice. I just want to wish you well in your therapy. Thanks for reading.

[kimmydawn]

i understand that, wantto.

when t and i would talk (once i was somewhat honest with him), he would point out things that were "different". I told him once, "i have trust issues and i have no choice but to trust you when you say that everyone doesn't do what i do when i thought they did!" however, somehow, somewhere i knew.

KD

[kimmydawn]

that's really great information, gem. i've read that as well.

KD

[Overcastbutclearing]

Not sure Gem if you knew I was dx w/ Borderline Personality Disorder about 13 years ago. Actually, first they thought I was schizophrenic. They treated me for schizo for 18 months. Then I guess @ one of the many hospital stays I had they re-dx me w/ BPD.
The T I see now was my T about 10 years ago and is quite aware of my DX and my history of dissociation. I can "split" as she calls it. But, since I do not like to really talk about it I keep a lot of stop hidden inside of me.
I just started seeing the T again in March 2005. And, in Sept 2005 is the first time I said yes to trauma recovery work. I refused to talk about it before.
Perhaps these "people" inside of me are just parts of me?
Maybe it is just going to last temporarily while I am still dealing w/ my abuse, childhood. I am sure no one can determine this at this point.
I was journaling earlier today. I don't remember the actual moment I journaled but reread it a few hours later.
I named 3 parts of me ...Big Susan, Little Susie and Monster. All three play different roles in my life and come out at different times....
Can anyone help me sort this out?