SETTING BOUNDARIES?

<font color="#000088">I have been venturing outside of this forum and have posted in General about this privacy issue, which I don't want to bring here.

Lately, I am having a lot of panic attacks and triggers from post, even here, when I'm reading or replying. I absorb peoples feelings and take them on as my own.

I have been told about boundaries and never knew I could set them for myself. I don't know how or that I have the right to. How do I get myself to believe that I have the right to set boundaries for myself? And what kind of boundaries do I set?

I really don't understand and am getting upset, panicked, triggered, fearful, and feeling like I should protect myself and leave. I'm not looking for "please don't go" although I appreciate it and feel the sentiment.

I'm in a state of confusion and fear and triggers and sadness and feel the need to run. I'm on the verge of tears, which is unusual for me. I'm overloaded.

Can someone help me? I don't know how to help myself right now. I'm scared </font>

Songbird

SongbirdandDaisy.... I would like for you to stay... you and a wonderful blend to this community.... I will miss you......I find myself triggering at times when I read the posts.... I just leave it alone for a while and come back to it later. I am sorry you are having a rough time righ now. It must be the season we are in. Soooo many people are feeling it right now.......
Always Lilith PM if you need to talk......

(((((((( Songbird )))))))))))

My counselor, (t), helped me learn to have boundries. I more or less had almost none. Talk to her or him. There are wonderful books about it. Every human being on this earth has a right to have boundries. If you were like me, you weren't allowed to have them and now you don't know how to set them in place and what is appropriate.

Talk to your t. He/she will know just what to do to help.

I noticed that you posted in General and thought to myself that you were bring very brave. I'm proud of you for doing it. For a couple days why don't you play it safe and just post where you feel most comfortable. Then the fear will subside. Ok?

I hope this helps.

Hugs,

Jan

Thank you Miss Jan and Lilith,

I think that is good advice. I will stay in DD for awhile. I wrote t an e-mail and he hasn't responded. But he usually does, unless he's trying to let me figure it out myself - he can be tricky sometimes (I always tease him about that).

I worked outside all day and am getting ready to go out again and draw. I re-rocked the garden pond and made it deeper - how's that for a stress release?!

Maybe I can take a picture of some of my drawing and post them here?!

I like all of my DD friends and should have never ventured outside the walls.

Songbird

Hon,

You can always post outside this forum. It can just be a scary thing sometimes until you are used to it. I remember my first post. I was so afraid! I was! You'll get used to it eventually.

Please do share your drawings with us. I'm sure we'll all enjoy them.

Love and hugs,

Miss Jan

SongbirdandDaisy...... I am glad you are going to stay awhile..... You are wanted and needed by me and so many others.... You are so special....
Lilith

Oh SongBirdandDaisy, boundaries are like the bottom line of everything. You must be ready to do some important healing!
There is no rush. Take your time. Your t will lead you in the right direction.

I didn't have any boundaries either! I thought that if I felt something it must be mine, not realizing how much I was picking up from other people.... . I am so proud of you finding words to reach out. Hope I can encourage you to claim any boundaries you want, whenever you want them. No explanation necessary.

You can always change your mind!!! Again and again until you find your comfortable space. It's scarey to say "No" and other boundary related stuff.... Nibble at it, start safe, I bet you get the hang of it, it's kinda habit forming.

Starts to feel good instead of scarey, especially with special friends who you can talk to, and play with, and practice these new boundriful ways of thinking and being. Has a lot to do with respect, for ones-self and for others.

hillbunny,

where do I start? I'm really confused on the matter. Why do I have the right? I really, truly don't get it.

Songbird

Miss Jan,

I want to take baby steps. It seems the most appropriate right now, since I'm confused.

But, I think, I should proboblly stay in here for awhile. I feel too vulnerable. I don't know where to start. I am totally confused!

Songbird

Lilith, thank you.

It does make me feel good to know that everyone has not abandoned me. No one here, but others. I think, in some ways, I have abandonded myself - but I don't know how to fix that.

Songbird

Hillbunny,

Where did you find your info on boundaries? I did some on line research and only became confused and scared. They say things that I don't want to do. I emailed T but he hasn't responded, yet.

Songbird

I think this is a very important thing to work with your t. I hope he has emailed back by now. I think once you start to find your boundaries you will start to feel safer. Please take care and be safe. (((((((((((SongBird)))))))

Hi Fuzzy White Bear,

Nope, no word from T yet. I guess I just have to sit back and wait.

Hugs,
Songbird

Dear SongbirdandDaisy, It is a bumpy road road to rediscover yourself... and really believing that you deserve the best things in life. It is something I am working on now both personally and with my T... I can take care of everyone else but I can't seem to take care of myself... That is when dissociation comes in handy...
Altheia...Lilith

Lilith,
Sometimes dissociation is nice.

Got your pm one back atcha.

Me and boundries - at first I didn't understand the concept until a therapist had me stop and think about that day and everything I could remember doing. Then she pointed out some simple things to me for instance when setting down to dinner I had my son go wash his hands. she asked me why I did that and I told her that he liked to dish out his own food on to his plate. he had just come in from outside so his hands were dirty and I didn't want the dirt in the food. She said so the rule is that he washes before dinner because you don't want to be eating dirt with your food? And I said yes.

she then told me that was a boundry. everyone observes sertain rules and conduct for themselves and others from the time they wake up all the way into the night including when they go to bed what plans they have for activities and so on.

Boundries is just a big word for common sense rules that people live by - wash hands before meals, don't watch scarey movies if you don't like scarey movies, don't order something in a restraunt that you know you dont like, going to a doctor when you are sick, taking daily medication if you need it. they are all boundries people live by every day.

the same concept carries over into my on line life I don't read anything I know will upset me, I don't go into chat very often because I know I can't keep up with the conversations if there is more that a couple people in there. I turn off my pms when I need a break, I use the "ignore" icon when needed, I space my on line time around so that not only do I have a chance to be here but I also have time to instant message friends and play some online games like majong and zuma. These are all things that keep me safe healthy and I have a great on line experience with my computer.

SB&D, you asked where I got my info on boundaries. . . practice. Like myself said above, "rules of conduct" that we keep as individuals and as a society, for whatever reason, are boundaries. Another way people refer to the subject is regarding "my space" or "your 'space" which is defined by boundaries.

It's knowing what works for you and "digging your heels in".
Or, knowing what does not work for you and staying away from it. It could be ethical questions. Like hearing a racist joke and speaking up to say "not around me" that kinda talk!!

With usn's we have to start over, from the beginning, before our abuse began, to construct our own custom fitted comfort zone. Safe space,

I use visualizations a lot, to create, a world in which my very being is accepted, respected, cared for..... no cutting put down self talk allowed. Once I got good at that, I found I didn't like being around that kind of energy at all. I had to make a conscious committment to start weeding it out of my life as much as I could. It's become a thing I practice. Positive self talk or can it. Tell a friend i'll catch them later if they're on a negative rant.......

Does that kinda getcha going? More questions gladly pondered. Make it a game to figure out what works and reward yourself when you get it right, even if you "disappoint"or "frustrate" or "anger" or "---" other people or person. You are not responsible for somebody else's feelings. They have to deal with their own boundaries too.

Just observing yourself in your life. No judgement. Check in with yourself, your friends, your t. It'll evolve and, just like learning a new language, one day you'll be doing it religiously if not naturally.

Hey Songbird & Daisy
We have put in mega hours working on the whole boundaries thing, with much success, so if we can get onto the road, so can you.

We do alot of writing around this topic, and what worked for us was for each of us to work out where we began and where we ended. What was it that was important to us and how far would we go to keep that intact. Sometimes for us its just a case of putting the hand up and saying STOP, its not the right time, and walking away. When we feel better we go back to the issue thats bothering us and pick it up again.

A thing that really sets us off is feeling overwhelmed in trying to learn something new so we have a rule about respecting the pace that everyone needs to work at.

Another thing that we do is practice making boundaries with friends and we also practice saying NO with friends. For example, we ask our friends to ring us up and ask us out to dinner when they know we have something else on..and we practice saying no....and our friends coax and support us in this.

In regard to 'where do i start' the easiest thing we do, is just take a deep breath, hope like heck and pick something....sometimes its the actual getting started thats harder than the actual work.

You are all so talented and strong. I see that here on the posts that you make. There are probably numerous talents that you haven't even tapped into yet - believe me, my friends, they are there. You have the skills, BELIEVE that you do, cause we have seen them

you're talented and special and important to us.
Storm
PS: if by accident we ever post anything to offend you, we ask that you PM us and tell us, that way we can work on it - don't stew on it or run away cause we would miss you too much

Hillbunny,

It does make more sense, what you're saying. My abuse memories start at the age of 4 so I have no good belief system. T and I are working on it. I have big trouble discrning my feelings from others and always hold myself accountable for how others feel. I know I do it, but can't resolve it. I'm like a giant sponge .

I will put your suggestions to use and see where it goes. Would it be okay if I printed out your response and had T help me with it? I won't if you don't want me to.

Thanks dumpling,

Songbird

Myself,

Thank you for the information. I understand it better, now. But, what if I hurt someones feelings by keeping my boundaries? What if people get mad at me because I protected myself? It's a road block. I know I'm not responsible for how other people feel - I know that but don't hold it in my heart.

I do feel responsible for other people. I guess it's just going to take time. UUUGGGGHHHH.

Songbird

I so understand about feeling responsible for how other people feel. I do it too. It's really scary to me to do things that might upset or annoy someone else.

(((Songbird))))

SongBirdandDaisy, Yes, print away, hope it helps!!! Hope you have a good t visit.

SongbirdandDaisy,
Sometimes the smallest word in setting up boudaries is the word NO! That is the hardest word for me to say.... It is a new concept that I am learning.... Lilith

Yes, the word NO. As a kid, I wasn't allowed to use it. As an adult, finally finding my way to help...... finding my way to people who didn't have a problem with somebody (-ME-) saying No..... Golly, the mere concept of sticking up for myself would put me in a cold sweat with the shakes. As a kid, sticking up for myself nearly got me killed. Repeatedly. Dad was a booger. From a very young age.
It's still hard for me to get "No" out my mouth, but my body is very good at walking away. Whatever peels yer potatoes, ya know?

NO???????? What in the world does that mean???????

Tough one. Another tough one is "not having to explain myself" T tries, but duh, I can't get it.

I keep getting told that I can say "no" but whenever I try, bad things happen. So, back to square one. I guess as long as I keep trying . . . . .

Songbird