[wanttoheal]

I have a really hard time posting, just from fears of my own. But, I am struggling so much and so here I find myself trying to figure out how to survive in a seemingly unsurvivable life and get the support to do that.

That said, I guess I need some support. I have always wanted support, always needed it I guess, though admitting that is sometimes harder than anything else.

I have DID, PTSD, depression, an eating disorder, and I self injure (though that is getting better). The first year (or two or three), I spent more time in denial of any and all of these things than I spent doing anything else I guess. My t has said I have come a long way from when I first started, but it often feels like a "two steps forward, one step backward" process.

Recently some things have been going on in my life that are causing major distress in my brain, more so than normal I guess. People dying is causing major triggers at a time when it should feel safer because they are gone. Things are coming to my brain that I did not know existed and it's causing more stuff, like a domino effect.

Even at home, I live on constant eggshells, waiting for the inevitable to happen. And it does. The problem is that I never know when stuff will happen and so I live day to day waiting for it, trying to be relieved when it doesn't happen, and yet realizing that it causes more fear because that just means it hasn't happened. Blow ups are almost a relief in that I know I then will have peace for a couple days.

I don't even know what I am asking for here. I guess a connection, an understanding, maybe someone who has been there done that and can offer hope.

Thank you for reading.

I understand a lot of this wantto.

Even at home, I live on constant eggshells, waiting for the inevitable to happen. And it does. The problem is that I never know when stuff will happen and so I live day to day waiting for it, trying to be relieved when it doesn't happen, and yet realizing that it causes more fear because that just means it hasn't happened. Blow ups are almost a relief in that I know I then will have peace for a couple days

I hope it ends for you soon. It can happen.

[(JD)]

((((WTH)))) Do you realize that all of those "DXs" can be attributed to the one of PTSD? It's the nature of the beast! Maybe that will help you feel a little better...that it isn't you, it's the PTSD that makes you feel this way?

Can't heal from PTSD on your own, no cure for it, need to have plenty of expert support to retrain the brain in proper responses. It is so tough! ((hugs))

[LILITH]

Hello Wanttoheal..... the words you wrote could have been written by me..... I live walking on eggshells always waiting for the other shoe to fall..... or the next catastrophic occurance to happpen..... and it usually does..... I am here write to me anytime....... Lilith

[kimmydawn]

Wantto,

I've been able to watch your awareness grow, and your denial diminish which has been a gift to me. Thank you for that.

It will take time. However, accepting enough to make that post is monumental. Know that I see that for what it is. I'm proud of you.

You have many here to offer and share what you're asking. You are not alone...not by a long shot.

It's day by day...

KD

[wanttoheal]

Thank you so much for your encouragement Petunia. I'm so sorry that you understand; I wish that you didn't. Thanks for letting me know you understand. I wish for peace for both of us.

[wanttoheal]

Yes, sky, thank you so much for understanding too. I can't seem to get past the PTSD triggers to do a lot of the work. I seem to be always dealing with triggers. Thank you again for your support.

[wanttoheal]

Lilith,
I'm so sorry that you share an unsafe today too. Maybe we can support each other through our todays and yesterdays. I wish you peaceful days.

[wanttoheal]

Kim,
Thank you so much for your support. Acceptance and awareness have been a long time coming, I know. I got brave, didn't I? Sometimes upsets cause growth, whether or not we want it.

You have always been such a support to me and I am so thankful for you. Thank you for being there for me through tears and laughter. Thanks for telling me over and over again that there is hope, even when I don't see it.

(edited to add):

And thanks for kicking me in the butt when I need it.

Cures? -

PTSD - well given just about anything can trigger a panic attack in someone from time to time theres no cure for that as long as there are things that stress a person that person is going to have anxiety and panic. so on comes the next best things learning coping tools like relaxation and breathing and ways to release the anxiety be it by journaling and other things all the way to medications for anxiety and depression.

DID - well thats kind of cure but no cure kind of thing. A person who id DID is considered no longer DID when they have remembered and experieced while aware (otherwise known as co consciousness and integration) their separated memories so they are no longer acting out those memories while unaware. When the person reaches that point they are considered no longer DID but are considered a person with dissocaitive features. and for that there is no cure because to a certain extent everyone dissociates. The person who was DID will always know that once they floated off to their mental safe places and so they will always know they can do that again should they decide to forgo the tools learned in therapy such as grounding techniques. So basically DID is curable but the ability of using dssociation is not.

wanttoheal

The unexpected sometimes sends me spinning. Death always does. and yea sometimes its like some invisable force has set up the dominoes and I just go from one problem to the next. I don't walk on eggshells though. I've experienced enough to know if the other shoe is going to fall it will and straigh on my head theres no avoiding it and trying to avoid it makes me so tired that when it does I don't have the strength to pick the shoe up let alone lace it and tie it up into a neat souvenier. So I just take it one day at a time and one problem at a time and the rest has to wait in line. Im only one biological person with only two biological hands. I know I will get there but only as fast and my hands and feet and brain can get me there.

Hang in there

[hillbunnyb]

wanttoheal, for me, it doesn't end, it changes and I become better at riding it all out... As life pulls me along, I am better at not overdoing, which has been a biggy. I want to do/be so much more than my bod and mind are capable....

Accepting my limitations where they are today while leaving room to heal is a delicate balance. I've tended to push it past my limits but, with age, I'm improving on stopping before I'm a total mess. Better at turning my focus to something else... I take little bites from a lot of "projects" with lots of time outs to reset all my parts back to go. (Traction and meditation.)

I make lists: things I can do, things I need to do, want to do, etc.. Then, when I need to move on, I can remind myself of my options. Self acceptance. Brain training. Perseverance furthers. Ya can't rush it. Darn.

[allthegirls6]

Wantto,

I understand too. Its hard to keep on track and moving forward if all you are waiting for it the next derailment. At least you are here and able to express whats going on for you. That in itself is a bonus.

Im here to listen and help if i can.

[nothemama8]

seeing how much you've grown has filled my heart , you are sooooo easy to talk too, your kindness and support is awesome

[January]

(((((((((( Wantto )))))))))))

I know the eggshell life. I've been there. Since I live by myself and have had to keep myself physically safe thrown certain people out of my life, it's not so bed, but yet I wait with bated breath sometimes waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Please take good care of yourself. Things can and will get better. I know this from personal experience, but oh, the growth hurts so much sometimes. I am here for you. Please know that.

Hugs,

Jan

[wanttoheal]

Myself,
It sure is hard work, isn't it, learning how to cope, how to feel, what to feel. Thank you for understanding about the unexpected and reactions to death. I tend to walk on eggshells, not only from daily life struggles, but also due to behaviors of others. You are right about being one biological person. I do need to remember that and concentrate on the things I can do now, and not focus on what I am unable to do. Thank you so much for your kind words.

[wanttoheal]

Hillbunnyb, thank you for responding. That is a big thing t has me working on, acceptance. It seems like a small word for such a huge concept. I sure hope at some point I can become better at riding things out. Awareness also has allowed me to see how much I was missing as far as even being aware of when I wasn't aware.

Thank you for your mention of balance. That might be the biggest want and need right now but it feels so impossible being a widow with a minor child with a dx'ed mental illness. It makes it difficult because I have to work when I feel like I can't and I'm always afraid it will crash at any time. Balance seems like an illusion right now and it makes progress very hard at this time. I do pray for a time when I can have the opportunity to achieve that balance one day.

Thank you so much for your support.

[wanttoheal]

Allthegirls6,
That's so true. Thank you for understanding. T and I hardly have time for progress, though it's coming in small doses. So much is going on in my life in the present and it is keeping fears inside activated. Thank you so much for your offer to listen and help. It really means a lot to me. It has been hard to keep on track and moving forward for sure. It's always been hard to express things outside my head due to fear but I am working on it. Thank you for recognizing that I'm taking a big leap here. Coming here and expressing has only taken me over a year. I'm very thankful to be able to now.

[wanttoheal]

Nothemama8, thank you so much. I feel the same way about you too! It's been a hard journey for me in many ways. Between my t and the support I watch go on daily here, growth was inevitable. Thank you so much for that.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((January)))))))))) Yes, when you have to try to keep yourself physically safe from others in a place where it should be safe, it takes its toll. I wish that you didn't have to relate so well to that. We have no answer for that part of things at this time, but maybe one day things will get better. Thank you for being there.

You're welcome. hang in there.

[Mahali]

((((Wanttoheal))))

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((place))))))))))))))) Thank you. You've always been so kind to so many and I appreciate the hugs.

[allthegirls6]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((wantto))))))))))))))))))))))))

[SongBirdandDaisy]

((((((((((((((((wanttoheal)))))))))))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My t has said I have come a long way from when I first started, but it often feels like a "two steps forward, one step backward" process.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I dislike the two steps forward one step back thingy - but it is true, or at least I have found it to be true. T says that's okay. It's better than letting it fester - which is what got us here in the first place. Tough stuff. Really tough stuff and it feels like session makes things worse instead of better but then one day we wake up and we do feel a little better and make a little forward progress. Then back to session and another step back and then one day we wake up and feel a little better - it's a cycle. We didn't deal with all that "stuff" before and now are dealing with it as it comes back in therapy.

Hold on. It's hard. I totally understand. But, it's better than where we were.

Hugs a billion,
Anne

[hillbunnyb]

"Safe Space" what a concept. May we all find it, more and more. May being in Safe Space become normal. Please.