help to find a way out

I used to think I just had different moods, but they have different belief systems attached to each ‘mood’. I didn’t know that wasn’t normal. Anger provokes my mind to want to kill people. Happy calms my mind and I am more altruistic and tolerant (not even a glimmer of homicidal thoughts). Sadness makes me suicidal. Fear makes me a little bit of both angry and sad and a lot paranoid – believing everyone is conspiring against me. See what I mean? It is weird. I prefer to feel nothing.

There is more, but I’m not here to post a life story. I wanted to find out how other people control those other selves when those emotions trigger a switch? (reply only if you CAN control them). I’m having problems with fear – I can’t make myself take a shower or get the mail or do anything other than sit on the couch and read and do coursework assignments. I seriously need to take a shower and get this fear monkey away, but my usual ways out of it are not working. About a week?, not sure, some time ago I shut the main water off because I thought the pipes were going to explode. Now I’m too afraid to go outside to turn it back on, can’t get my mail, can’t even leave my living room. I have sort of a hatch door I created during a good period that I can crawl through to the bathroom so I don’t have to get near the front door – it is why I can’t leave the living room. There is only one way and I have to pass the front door. I have been in this situation before (hence the creation of the hatch), but it is lasting longer and my usual methods to work my way out of it are not effective.

I quit therapy because it has never ever helped. I was committed several times as a teen and throughout my 20’s. I do have more control over my outside self (facade) now that I have reached 30. I am well educated, and don’t seek to be ‘taken care of’ – never have. That does seem to be the impression that outsiders think though. They think mental illness is a cover for wanting to be taken care of and using it as an excuse to behave badly. It is like blaming someone for getting cancer – it makes no sense. But mental illness is invisible, because there isn’t anything visibly broken to point to that says this is why I act this way in certain situations (not even every time, just sometimes). I’m terrified of heights, but there are days I can climb a ladder and clean out the gutters because a piece of me is incredibly brave. Other days my body would shake too much to be able to climb the ladder – dopamine must be flooding at that point but how can I express that or prove that to someone? I’ve never shirked responsibilities – have had to delay them but never avoided them.

Even so - I have burned all bridges to people that used to be in my life. I have had no support in years. I avoid making friends because I know they won't stick around once they know I have mental health problems.


I wish there were a chemical meter of some kind that could tell us (like a gas gauge) when we are reaching low or high levels. Living independent is a must for me, but I need to upgrade my tools to deal with it all.

I know you mentioned that you stopped therapy because is didn't help. Have you ever called a crisis hotline in you area. Sometimes they can be a great help. They have a lot of resources. Maybe there is a mental health group in your area that can assist you. Sometimes it is important to let someone help you. Sometimes it is necessary to keep moving forward.

I don't have a phone -- haven't in a long time. Talking isn't something I do well. If there were a crisis online service maybe it would be sort of ok - but it takes me a while to type, edit, and make sure I am being clear. Forum posts, this one, is really my only current option right now. Reaching out for help never has helped in the past. A resolution comes in time. I guess I'm just trying to find a way to fill the time till I can think of a way out for myself. I didn't really expect anyone here to have an answer for me. There never has been 'outside' useful input. I don't rule it out - I have read some pretty good books that have inspired ideas I can use for my life. It is bad chemistry between me and direct contact with people that prevents good interactions and helpful - anything.

Maybe this will help someone --


In My Head

(the winter watr in my pipes are scary from my feet – under my feet --- the house under the house is the pipes and (insert 30 secs) they get froze and make a big pop whoosh! It so loud and scared it will happen again so I turned the thing off from the pot hole cover.)

Simple interpretation
It is winter.
It makes me anxious.
The temp gets below freezing sometimes.
I turn the water off.
Then no breaking.

In My Head

(S one popd the back house – popd! shot with a big gun. It grounded the floor on me. then hide uner the bed a long time. then sneekd my hand up to get my blanket and pllo. a long time ago till I the big I crawld out has been a copl days. then sneedk to the big cowch with 5 blankents to rap in nice up.)

Complex Interpretation
2 weeks ago someone shot several times to the back of the house. It scared the crap out of me and I hid under the bed. I didn’t know what to do so just stayed there. I don’t know – it may have been a day or so before I had the courage to crawl out. I went into the living room and just sat on the couch wondering why these things keep happening. People harass me all the time. What am I doing that is so bad people keep disrupting my life? No one around here knows me. They have no idea I wish them all dead, so they shouldn’t have anything against me personally. I won’t go into all the things they keep doing – it isn’t helpful and I feel like I’m just complaining. Lots of people likely have sporadic harassment and they seem to do ok with getting on with their daily life. I would like to stop being such a coward and at the very least stop letting them make me hide under the bed.

Putting it all together
2 weeks ago someone shot several rifle shots at the back of my house. I was scared but after a few days I managed to stabilize myself and get back on track. Then 1 week ago I just fell apart. Nothing specific happened. I just started getting really irrational fears that were basing themselves on real events that could happen. My pipes freeze sometimes and one time it broke open and make a really loud sound like a gun shot. So my irrational fear was that the pipes would freeze and shoot me in my feet when I walked over them (they are located under the house). I turned the water off from the main and locked myself in my house, boarded up the windows and doors. I see-saw from my scared little person to my adult (yet still irrationally scared) persons.

When I’m different, I’ve taken to writing in different color marker on my whiteboard. It has been a great plan – I can visually see the ‘moods’ I have been in. It isn’t easy to remember when I leave a mood what was happening. I kind of remember, but not with the same eyes – like trying to interpret a child’s drawing as an adult. We don’t have the same perspective. Well my perspectives change with each major mood and it is hard to understand that perspective when I am out of it.

I have had major mental health issues for over 22 years. 10 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar, and then many other options until this last year, when trauma was introduced. It made a HUGE difference. The information given to me was much more helpful and sensitive, and I was able to understand WHY I was reacting the way I did, and that it was a normal response, given my experiences. This helped me make large steps toward calming myself down, and treating myself with more compassion helped to make the anxiety last much less time.
I was diagnosed with DDNOS, similar to DID, as I had different alters that would take over depending on my mood. When I was scared I reverted to acting like a child again, when I was angry, I would think of the world in different ways, and when I was calm and zen, it was like I didn't have any issues at all. I always thought this was how other people experienced life, and that I just couldn't handle things as well. After working with a trauma therapist for a few months, i was able to understand that these different moods were controlled by alters who came out because I wouldn't let myself admit I was feeling angry, sad, scared, etc.
I am doing much better and switching much less, but it isn't because I'm controlling the alters. They would hate it, absoultely hate it, if I tried. Instead I work with them, listen to their thoughts and emotions and try and give them what they need (which is really what I need as a whole anyway), and give them the validation they need. If I start to feel the scared child become really strong, I know that I am starting to be scared, but not allowing myself to admit it. I will say, "I'm scared because [the person sitting next to me in the waiting room is much too close]" to use an example from this week. I will validate it by saying [it makes sense that I'm upset because my personal boundaries were not respected growing up, and this reminds me of some scary situations]. I can then reassure the part that [this isn't the same person, and they are not going to hurt us. Even if they wanted to, we are in a big group of people who wouldn't let that happen]. In this situation I was still feeling scared, so I listened to the part and moved seats so that she wasn't being triggered anymore. Somestimes it's as simple as acknowledging the emotions, sometimes it is a lot more complicated.
What you talk about, with the bangs reminding you of gunshots, reminds me a lot of trauma responses. This is what makes me think that if you could find someone who specializes in trauma, they might be able to help you more than a general mental health support would. Trauma creates chemical changes in the brain, which cause different throught processes, reactions, etc. It's like if you have a cold, you go to your general doctor. However, if you're having issues with something else that is causing symptoms that seem like a cold, like an autoimune disease, your general doctor would be little help, you'd be much better understood if you saw a specialist. If you have anxiety symptoms and a general anxiety approach isn't working, they could be caused by something that needs a different approach.

Sorry this is soo long. I will stop rambling now. Hope you are feeling better. The colours on the white board sound like a brilliant plan to figure out how your system works.
xoxo
IJ

1. it is nice to know someone understands exactly what i mean. it isnt often to have that and makes me sad to realize i needed it.
...

2. yes yes yes 1000 times

...
3. this is where it gets tricky - my mind would think the person is sitting too close on purpose and everyone else in the room is in on it and wanting me to react so they can lock me up again. I was committed several times because of baiting and i dont trust anyone anymore.

4. from about 14-25 i was in and out of mental health facilities in 3 states both in and out patient. nothing ever helped. the only thing that has ever helped is learning and isolating myself. I am better alone, but when i try to interact with people everything falls apart. sometimes it is their fault and sometimes it is mine. but i just have bad chemistry with people. always have i think. the best medicine for me is online classes and having little house projects - i build some shelves, i learned to use power tools even though they are loud and scary... learned to do lots of stuff on my own and it makes me feel good. i dont even need validation from anyone because i have the stuff i built that works and is useful everyday -- but then i get this crazy streak where nothing is going right and even when it is going 'right' it isnt in my mind and people interupt my life at bad moments -- they get a bad impression and they start being mean and harassing me. the gun shots were real. people throw glass in my driveway. they blow their horns at me as they drive by to see me fall and cover my ears and sometimes i cry. they shoot pellet guns at my flower pots. they steal things off my lawn -- i had a really useful wagon and a few tools in it on my porch and it was taken when i was out back.

there is more but you get the picture. i dont seek people out, they come to me.

5. it wasnt long or rambling. i wish all my interactions with people could go so well.

One thing that helps is I have learned to separate the thoughts that are my alters' from mine. I'm able to realize that even though the thoughts from my scared little girl seem real and are convincing, she needs reassurance more than she needs someone to believe her. If I can't get myself to believe what I'm telling her I will write it down, it seems to make it easier for me.

I'm sorry you've had so many opportunities to learn to mistrust people. I'm lucky that I never lost the ability to trust, and I've met some supportive people in my life. Not all people are good, but not all are mistrustful. Try and look for those diamonds in the rough. They are there, I promise. They're willing to take a chance on you. You need to get yourself to a point where you can take a chance on yourself in social situations. You may function better alone, but that is a lonely existence.

Have you ever looked into DBT therapy? It can help you learn to manage the extreme moods, and you can get workbooks to go through on your own. It might be a start.

So, the person in that situation sits hear you on purpose to bother you. We'll go with your thinking on this one. If it were true, I wouldn't want to give them the power over me to make me lose it in public. They are not worth it, and I'm certainly worth more than letting them feel like they 'win'. So, nice and relaxed, I'd move away, maybe to use the washroom, or to pick something up off the magazine rack, or whatever else I can find. Then, when I'm in a different situation, I deal with the trauma brought up by that. Does that help at all? Because there are many situations in life where people try to mess with you, or upset you or whatever. I don't like to let them win. And imagining how angry they get when I don't react the way they wanted sometimes makes it worth it.

Talk with your alters, you seem to have communication with them, which is great. I've been able to team up with some alters, and conversing with them sometimes makes me feel less alone, and I learn really interesting and helpful things. Some people have journals, kind of like your white board idea, where they can communicate. You can do this. Any new knowledge is a success. Any communication is a success.

Also, I wasn't suggesting the gunshots were not real. I'm saying that things that sound similar to gunshots are making you go back to the moment when they were fired, like a flashback. Once you've been in a scary situation, being in another similar one can make you have a more intense reaction. Another person may assume that a bang is just a picture falling off the wall, whereas your brain not only goes to gunshots but you know what it feels like to be there. Your body reacts as if it were a real threat, even if it's the water pipes making the noise. The reaction of fear makes complete sense given your earlier experience. But it doesn't mean you aren't safe, and it doesn't mean it is gunshots every time.

A trick I learned that has helped me talks about listening to all your thoughts, but not believing them without solid evidence. If I thought a certain person always said rude things to me, the one time they didn't say something rude, I would realize that it wasn't true anymore. Perhaps they're rude half the time, but they're not always rude. If a sound is like gunshots, I would want to make sure I knew whether it was or not before I would truly believe the thoughts coming up telling me I wasn't safe and that someone was trying to hurt me. Treat the thoughts as guides, to check out a situation, or to let me know how I'm feeling, etc. but don't treat them as the truth.

Again, this may make sense, but may not, as it's late. Hope you are feeling more comfortable. xoxo IJ

I will say one thing for mental health: when you find the right person, it is AMAZING. When you're stuck with people who are treating a diagnosis that doesn't fit, or treating you as a diagnosis, treating you as less than them in any way, or just someone who barely passed their classes, etc it is difficult. But there are really amazing therapists out there who could meet with you one on one, not commit you, and treat you with the respect you deserve. It's your choice to look for them, of course. But they ARE out there, and online support can only do so much.

I was told to own all thoughts and emotions even if they seemed like they were someone else’s. I own the fact I wish people dead and also wish people peace, even if I don’t have access to each of those perspectives all the time. I haven’t been able to marry the thoughts which I would think would dilute those extremes – or hope to dilute them. However if I were to suddenly be normal tomorrow I would have a whole other set of problems. Ive never been normal so wouldn’t know how to implement that. It would be all foreign. That is what I got out of the years of therapy (babysitting).

I have to play the cards I have in my hand – not the ones that are possible in the deck. My hand shows no possible way of successfully interacting with people for an extended length of time. I have no family or friends, no support of any kind – so that is a limitation I have to work with. I do have a rabbit that visits my front yard sometimes. That rabbit is a card I have in my hand – I use it to let my little ones smile when they see him/her. I have a few cheap security cameras placed around the property, and see it hopping around and eating the clover in the grass. That is a positive card.

Another positive card is when I figure out a way to tweak my routine to be more efficient or add a new layer that gives me higher functioning. My whiteboards gave me a way to have memory over more things. I was having a hard time keeping track of time, when I last took a shower, or last ate. Putting up a whiteboard in the bathroom, kitchen, and bedroom and jotting down the date of my last shower, last time I brushed my teeth, last time I cleaned the counters, whether or not I slept that night … etc – huge help. Make that 2 positive cards.

I know there are likely good people in the world, but they are not in my current circle. When you say ”You may function better alone, but that is a lonely existence” –I don’t really get lonely. Plus, I do have a very hateful side and it is better to keep that away from everyone.

It might seem like a bad way to live from your perspective, but having any independent function at all is kind a big deal for me. I never thought I would escape being locked up or watched over. It feels good to have made it 3 years on my own without the world caving in. The last 2 years have been very rocky because I made the mistake of inviting people in and shouldn’t have. I didn’t know it was a mistake then, but do now.

I have been completely alone for about a year (had to look that up). I did have one friend – sort of – but she turned on me and hurt me – even used my illness as a way to push buttons. We were not really friend-friends, just had a common class and would talk through email. I started to confide in her more than should have and it ended very badly. I let people stop and talk to me when I was outside doing yard work – they quickly learned I wasn’t normal and they started being mean and recruiting others to be mean.

I wont ever make that mistake again. I know now being alone is the best thing for me and avoiding all contact with people in person as much as possible. The only problem is when I hit a rough patch, like now, and there isn’t anyone I can ask for help … but, that help doesn’t actually exist anyway. There is no way to help me in this situation. I have to find my own way out.

“Have you ever looked into DBT therapy?” I rarely got past level 2 before I’d be (or perceived to be) baited and would get knocked back into the isolation room – no therapy ever happened in there. Only a constant bright light, a bed, and periodic meals and bathroom. I had school in a room by myself. As an adult, inpatient was more like being in a daycare. Once I was outpatient-adult, (aka the insurance stopped paying for inpatient care), therapy consisted of me sitting in a room answering questions on a computer because I have trouble thinking linearly when I talk out loud and hard for people to understand me.

I had art therapy sometimes and occupational therapy which just seemed like another kind of art therapy or similar to day camp stuff. Medication was the major part of their treatments. I was ward of the sate (in 2 states) for a few years, which means I was in state facilities. As an adult, I didn’t have any money, so they gave me a disability. I can go to state facilities for treatment, but nothing better.

“I wouldn't want to give them the power over me to make me lose it in public. They are not worth it, and I'm certainly worth more than letting them feel like they 'win'. So, nice and relaxed, I'd move away, maybe to use the washroom, or to pick something up off the magazine rack, or whatever else I can find. Then, when I'm in a different situation, I deal with the trauma brought up by that. Does that help at all?”

As a calm person now it makes sense, but when in crazy mode - not always able to control what I do and think. Since I have been on my own I have gained a little more foresight and can see when trouble might happen and can get my selves away from it before I get bad. Or can create work-arounds after a bad incident – like I once got trapped in my kitchen…too afraid to get out from under the meal counter. Once that passed I decided to look around the house and create tunnels to each room so I never get trapped in one room again. The hall way is problematic because it is along an outside wall. When I perceive outside to be dangerous I don’t want to get near any outside walls, doors, or windows. It is irrational but I cant convince myself to do it. Like now I cant turn the water back on because I will have to go outside … but cant now anyway cuz the temp dropped way below freezing again so cant turn it back on till it gets over freezing for a few days.

I can talk with some of these characters in me - but not all of em; can hear their thoughts sometimes but not always. Cant usually see from their perspective though. That is why I want them to write on the whiteboards to know when they have been out. Some wont though. Sometimes I just wish they’d disappear. I hate them sometimes. I hate when I cant just have quiet in my mind. I want them to shut up. I go into sort of a daze when I cant take it anymore – time passes but I don’t notice. I lay on the couch and stare and sleep stare and sleep ignoring life.

My official dx is ptsd, did + disassociation fugue … I don’t completely blackout anymore, but do have just a vague recollection when a different part takes the wheel … , and anorexia – in the classic sense that I don’t get hungry, but has nothing to do with body image. It is because I have a hard time paying attention to my body and realizing the cues it is giving me. I’m psychologically disconnected with my physical body.

“A trick I learned that has helped me talks about listening to all your thoughts, but not believing them without solid evidence. “ – many of my thoughts are irrational and stem from past experiences that don’t apply to right now. Some do though. There is too much of a mix to have one rule… and timing of it is not easy to apply. When I feel scared I wont be able to rationalize with myself in that moment – I just hide and talk to my selves when it passes.

“there are really amazing therapists out there who could meet with you one on one, not commit you, and treat you with the respect you deserve. “ – it circles back around to playing the cards in my hand and not the possible ones in the deck (which is not in my control to deal out). State mental health doesn’t have great people – there are some nice ones, some who are burnt out, some who mean well but just are not very educated beyond the basics --- it is just too risky to find that needle in the haystack. I’ll stick to my independence, and try to work with the tools I was given during those years I was in treatment and create some new ones of my own that work for me. Thanks for helping me fill some time while I try and find a way back on track. My post manages to swat down all your hard work at constructing your communication. Im sorry.

just realized in protection mode – im protecting im protector person the crossing guard the safety patrol with a stop sign and orange vest and orange cones no don’t go it isn’t safe im locked in it and don’t know how to get out

good now defined can find a fix

It can be very difficult feeling trapped, especially when your thinking is black/white and all/nothing.

I wish you the best of luck with it. When you're willing to start takign chances more than likely you will find opportunities waiting for you. I dont' want to overwhelm you when you're not ready to make big changes. None of the suggestions I made would be immediate fast fixes, as I feel like you were hoping for. None of the good ones ever are. They are changes that you work up to, bit by bit. You can't make big changes unless you are willing to let yourself be a beginner at something. Being a beginner means that things don't work well right away, they are difficult, and you just keep trying. If you think of a baby learning to walk, it takes a long time before they can do it without falling, but they pick themselves up each time. It's like that when you're learning healthy coping skills. You try, it's difficult. It slowly become easier and one day you're up and walking without looking back. It's a process, as everything in life is.

Again, good luck with things.
IJ