had a tough session with T and everything went wrong. we didn't connect and she didn't hear how bad i felt inside. she jsut told me about someone that was blinded in one eye by boiling water and that i'm not maimed or dead and that i need to remember that the past is past. she didn't hear that i know that but the inside pain and the memories around holidays was more than i could handle.
grounding wasn't working---i am just hurting really bad inside.

i tried to be good, i tried to hang on. i tried to think of something else---i c*t and even tho i feel a bit better----spent the day with a friend and with H, now it is quiet and feelings are starting to stir again.

jsut need some friends right now...
naomi

[Fuzzybear]

(((((( naomi )))))) safe gentle hugs

I'm so sorry your T was unable to connect and support you. Comparing people's pain is completely invalidating and unhelpful. Maybe she was trying to help, but she missed the mark...... I hope you're able to tell her in the next session how she made you feel,
Take care hon,

Fuzzy

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((naomi))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry that you feel so bad. Maybe you can bring up your feelings from what she told you at your next session. I hope you are feeling better tonight.

[tallison]

gentle hugs naomi!!!! i can't believe that your T said anything like that!!! you have friends here and your past is part of your life.. you can lean on all of us!!! please know that you are in my thoughts!!! take good care of yourself!! this is from my little and me both!!! tallie sends a pink flower for you!!! (my little)

(((((((((( white_iris )))))))))))))

Hang in there!!! You'll find the inner strength to carry on!

[silver_queen]

(((((((((((( The Constellation )))))))))))))

Whiteiris, I feel angry that your T would invaladate you like that! I hope you find the strenght to tell her.

[biplol]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{WI/Naomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[pegasus]

I'm sorry your T didn't listen.

(((((((( naomi ))))))))))))

((( constellation )))

[January]

(((((((((((((( Naomi )))))))))))))))))

Hang in there.

Hugs,

Jan

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((white_iris))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. I hope things calm down for you soon.

[Gemstone]

((((( Naomi and all}}}}}}

I'm sorry things are tough right now.

"you have tools now"
"you've progressed so much"
"you survived and have no scars"
so why can't i get it?
why do i keep hurting?
why do i hurt others b'cuz
i keep hurting me?
i want it all to stop
i'm stuck in a
whirlpool
being dragged down
sucked under
grabbing for anything
and not able
to hang onto something
as it slops from my hand
and briefly
i can stop the rush
with new pain
and i can breath for a moment
then it starts again
and i'm drowning
and grasping
and gasping
and screaming
but all i hear is
"you've progressed so far"
"you have tools now"
"you've survived and have no scars"

[BENNY]

hi iris,

tell your 't benny told you; "she's trying to compensate for not having a "valid" response. it was inconciderate to compare you with someone that would pour boiling water in their eyes. maybe she's the one that's blind.???"
everyone gets stressed around the holidays, including her. but to some of us it can be a horrorible nightmare, that never completely heals. it wasn't your " choice" to have, whatever happened to you, happen.
we chose to dissociate. it was forced on us. we've had enough. peolple invailidate us, that's part of our abuse! that's why we see a therapy duh.... it's not because to want to pay someone a lot of money, for their company. (((((please))))) we "have to" seek help now. it wasn't there when we needed it. ( that sould have a familiar ring to it ) you have every right to feel very upset about what she said. that was absolutely the worst thing she could have done as a 't."

if you are too shy to tell her yourself, feel free to print this out
and hand it to her.

your's truly,
benny

in this place i'm in i just digress to despair. i think that all w_i cares about is how my hurting me hurts the body and hurts her. i don't think she really cares about me at all. she just doesn't want to hurt physically. no one does i suppose. they care about what i do so they don't hurt.

i don't wan to hurt anyone--esp the littles....

nothing makes any sense. i feel like i'm a "dropped call" like the advertisement on tv. dropped, lost and not heard....not saying you guys don't hear me...... please don't take it that way.....i'm mostly refering to inside and RL ppl who have been doing this to me....

i don't know how to be angry at anyone. i blame it on me. i did something wrong.....somehow i believe that i'm not good enough and don't hurt bad enough to have been cared for.....or be cared for.

its scary to accept anyone caring for me.....they'll leave or at some point just drop me. never had friends. and the ones i did liked my mother better than me. they came over to visit with her. i was always invisible.
the nobody.

i tried a couple of times to "end it all" but it didn't work......even in that i failed. failure, nobody, invisible, ignored, not good enough and not hurting bad enough......not enough----

i'm too needy. that drives ppl away. so i don't bother anyone and that makes me feel alone. can't win. it's a slippery slope into a mean unforgiving ocean with no chance of surviving. and nothing to grab onto.....

i think i'm about to hit the rocks at the bottom.......
n

[catcoon]

<font color="purple">(((((Naomi))))), First of all gentle hugs to you!

This is what we want to tell your T!





w_i doesn't hate you! I, too, hurt the body cuz I was so angry and hurting. I would c*t myself and think it was only hurting me, but it did hurt the body. I thought "Too bad, I need to feel hurt on the outside instead of hurting on the inside all the time." I tried to k*ll myself many times, took too many pills and ended up in the psych hosp. Even tried talking the others here to k*ll me off, bury me alive! But they wouldn't do it! T tried telling me if I k*lled myself, everyone would die. I didn't believe her until one time I saw what I had done through little cat's eyes! She was so scared at all that blood!

Wonderful T talked to me and helped me to see, finally, that I was 'part' of a whole. Took me almost 10 years to realize that and then I finally gave up trying to k*ll and c*t myself. I realize you don't have my T, but I hope you will be able to find hope and help soon.

Don't give up, Naomi. White_Iris will learn to understand you and even love you in her own time, when it's right for her. Keep writing here! We love you here and will listen to anything you have to say...even if it is hard to hear.
We can take it.



Mary Catherine

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((white_iris))))))))))))))
It's so hard. I'm sorry for your struggles. It's hard to believe people care for us, isn't it, when all we've known has been uncaring. Keep posting, we are listening and we do care, we really do.

feelings inside are like a big mucky mess all swirled around in a violent whirlpool dragging me downward. it stinks so much it's nauseating. it's dark and slimy and cold and penetrating. the sounds of agony are deafening but it's familiar. i try to fight my way out of it only to exhaust myself, so i close my eyes and go with it and get sucked under and then i'm drowning and in some sense thankful i don't have to fight any more......
naomi

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((naomi))))))))))))))))))) grab onto my paw and i will help you from getting sucked under.

Very gentle hugs

BB

hanging on

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

Take care,

Petunia