Going to start a project today, and hoping to be busy for a week.

[darkpurplesecrets]

Feeling so confused, scared, not understood, and a failure. Sad and lost. Why is it so hard to understand how hard it is to be us? The struggle sometimes feels not worth it and we feel more worthless and misunderstood than anyone understands or knows.

Awwww



Nobody will get it. Everyone expects a circus trick, thanks Hollywood

OMG, Steve and Steven did a forced take over and was spewing propaganda for two days that we're just psychotic delusional.

They were just getting pumped for our new project, okAy, but to slam the rest of us? I'm so like stewing. Grrrrr

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Going to start a project today, and hoping to be busy for a week.

Good luck with your project .

[Claritytoo]

Recently I was unusually focused on the difficulties of my life. This is not something I usually do. I had to consciously turn that focus back to focusing on the positives in my life. Everyone has something to worry about or be overwhelmed about. But equally everyone has something good in their life, like a good friend, sunny day, the beach, gardening, reading a good book etc. I was in a worried state when I started to think of how beautiful the day was. The sun and the warm breeze. I than started things of things that make us happy. My grandsons, my son, my sister. friends, and my mind eased. Because in that moment it didn't matter if I owe money or my house is in foreclosure or little money. In the moment I was lucky to be alive and have the close family members and friends that I have. With that change of mind I may be starting a job next week which will help with my money woes. It is not always easy to focus on the good in our lives but I refuse to live in fear and gloom because there is so much more out there.

I hate it when the others wear out the body- but that's the way it goes my shoulders hurt! They did overhead work, I couldn't do it because it hurts. Anyhow, such is life.

[IB splitting]

So Baby Blue has been splitting with IB at night and when we lay on our partners shoulder. Well BB thinks it's time for you know feeding and this is very difficult for my partner to understand. I don't remember very much after this takes place. Have I completely lost my mind, or is it just BB trusting someone on the outside. And possibly trying to heal. This really has me in a funk. I don't know what to think

[darkpurplesecrets]

shattered and hurting. rejected and forgotten.

rough week, but then a lot of that is down to it being summer (which is when my psymptoms are worse anyway), and that sunday was really hard for us because it was fathers day... and since we've never met our father, that was rather difficult.

it always is... father's day.

we hate it

[IB splitting]

I feel like this DID has really messed up my whole life. I was talking with my T about my horrible spelling. And she replied well your trauma began when you were an infant so all through your peak learning years the only thing you were worried about was surviving. That hit me Pretty hard. I never really thought about it. What if I actually could of had a somewhat normal childhood? Wow
Where would I be today? I did graduate in 83 but barely. Need stop I'm getting very upset..

[Kiya]

DID is a tough one -knowing that the others HELPED us survive... and that we may have lived a totally different life otherwise. OR... we may have died without them. Spelling can be learned - I'm glad you survived to get here.
Remember - it's not the alters ruining life... it was our abusers who did that. Remember to put the anger and blame on the real bad "guys". learning to cope, we can forge a new life that is more than just surviving, but thriving. it can be done. it may take a LONG time, but it is worth it.

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

Recently I was unusually focused on the difficulties of my life. This is not something I usually do. I had to consciously turn that focus back to focusing on the positives in my life. Everyone has something to worry about or be overwhelmed about. But equally everyone has something good in their life, like a good friend, sunny day, the beach, gardening, reading a good book etc. I was in a worried state when I started to think of how beautiful the day was. The sun and the warm breeze. I than started things of things that make us happy. My grandsons, my son, my sister. friends, and my mind eased. Because in that moment it didn't matter if I owe money or my house is in foreclosure or little money. In the moment I was lucky to be alive and have the close family members and friends that I have. With that change of mind I may be starting a job next week which will help with my money woes. It is not always easy to focus on the good in our lives but I refuse to live in fear and gloom because there is so much more out there.

Thank you for sharing this, Claritytoo. . It's an eye opener!

I'm starting to realize the extent of our condition. It's like we really don't have a host and the others are like out when they are needed. Being aware has made this so much worse, being able to hide this for many years. At least being unaware would've got us help years ago.

[Kiya]

*agrees with Lexa*.... and hugs to you both!

Originally Posted by Lexa2526

Thank you for sharing this, Claritytoo. . It's an eye opener!

Originally Posted by Claritytoo View Post
Recently I was unusually focused on the difficulties of my life. This is not something I usually do. I had to consciously turn that focus back to focusing on the positives in my life. Everyone has something to worry about or be overwhelmed about. But equally everyone has something good in their life, like a good friend, sunny day, the beach, gardening, reading a good book etc. I was in a worried state when I started to think of how beautiful the day was. The sun and the warm breeze. I than started things of things that make us happy. My grandsons, my son, my sister. friends, and my mind eased. Because in that moment it didn't matter if I owe money or my house is in foreclosure or little money. In the moment I was lucky to be alive and have the close family members and friends that I have. With that change of mind I may be starting a job next week which will help with my money woes. It is not always easy to focus on the good in our lives but I refuse to live in fear and gloom because there is so much more out there.

I'm remembering bits and pieces of what we went through. Not a lot, but enough to have my body shivering, the system in upheavel, and my mind more unbalanced than it already is. It all started last week. I don't know what started the trip down memory lane, but I'm not liking it.

I've asked my care-giving/negotiating alter where the **** is it coming from. It turns out I have two negative alters,and they're both having a field day with sending me fragments, and screaming a child's scream that is reminscent of my own.

My Protector's doing what she can to silence them, I'm told. But they tend to take advantage when my Protector's fronting trying to protect us from the triggers on the outside.

It's tiring, and it's wreaking havoc on me, and that's affecting my friendships, my mood, my job.

...
It's been a long few days.

[Willowtrees]

You ever get that feeling when you dont know if something or someone is genuinely abusive or not...

On top of that, my protector, ironically, lost my ID. I have a feeling permanently lost, not misplaced. I might not be able to get my meds without it. I have 1 week of meds. Without continuing the meds i will get terrible withdrawal. And i probably wont be able to see my new therapist (tomorrow) or go into eating disorder treatment (the 2nd) either. Feels like a bunch of planning for nothing. And I feel scared about the meds. If you have a refill ready to be picked up, but just cant get it, and you cant see a dr on time, can you go to hospital for that sort of thing? Does anyone know? Its a benzo, but they have my picture on file, and it would truly be an emergency i feel... Its very dangerous to stop those meds suddenly.

I think im going to cut it off with that girl. It hurts so so much to think of, but i dont think its going to work out. (Not abuse thing i brought up earlier).

Im starting to hate DID. Im starting to wish i was just one person. Im starting to wonder if this is a fantasy that has gone on for too long that i can simply just stop.

Getting nightmares, panic attacks, realized I have OCD which explains a lot (undiagnosed, but when i asked friends who are educated on ocd, i kinda got "well, duh", but in a nice way). Everything sucked today

Joshua

Originally Posted by Willowtrees

You ever get that feeling when you dont know if something or someone is genuinely abusive or not...

On top of that, my protector, ironically, lost my ID. I have a feeling permanently lost, not misplaced. I might not be able to get my meds without it. I have 1 week of meds. Without continuing the meds i will get terrible withdrawal. And i probably wont be able to see my new therapist (tomorrow) or go into eating disorder treatment (the 2nd) either. Feels like a bunch of planning for nothing. And I feel scared about the meds. If you have a refill ready to be picked up, but just cant get it, and you cant see a dr on time, can you go to hospital for that sort of thing? Does anyone know? Its a benzo, but they have my picture on file, and it would truly be an emergency i feel... Its very dangerous to stop those meds suddenly.

I think im going to cut it off with that girl. It hurts so so much to think of, but i dont think its going to work out. (Not abuse thing i brought up earlier).

Im starting to hate DID. Im starting to wish i was just one person. Im starting to wonder if this is a fantasy that has gone on for too long that i can simply just stop.

Getting nightmares, panic attacks, realized I have OCD which explains a lot (undiagnosed, but when i asked friends who are educated on ocd, i kinda got "well, duh", but in a nice way). Everything sucked today

Joshua

Hey, Joshua
Is it possible to use your birth certificate to obtain a temporary ID, or as proof to pick up your medication? Perhaps, that might help.

I'm very sorry you had such a terrible day, and hope things get better. Hang in there,my friend.

Lexa.

[Ellahmae]

T says I should start naming them. I don't know how. I'm scared to. Advice?

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

T says I should start naming them. I don't know how. I'm scared to. Advice?

I'd let them pick their own names, after all, they are others, like you are.

We've got so many, we decided to go by job name, makes it easier instead of trying to cross reference or trying to remember.

Welcome!

[Willowtrees]

CW: the "I" word
.
.
.
.
.
.

I think I have started to partially integrate or something, without initially realizing it or aiming for it. The lines are beginning to blur. What used to be only something nana or merry did, i now do and enjoy and its *mine*. Memories that used to be notme are now *mine*. Some alters are starting to feel less and less like notme, over time. Even with the alters that still have the firm line, I have started to phase in when they come out, rather than popping back out jarringly. I feel scared at the idea of integrating completely. But as long as I can work through the anxiety and ptsd... I think im okay with this development.

[Kiya]

Willowtrees -sounds like you're getting more co-conscious with your selves which could be the road toward "The I". Or you all may like co-conscious for a while and hang out there. It's good that you're noticing these changes are assessing your comfort level.

Or were you already co-conscious? I just thought through your post again and am comparing it to my own experience... Yeah I think I understand notme vs co-conscious... I think former selves might have merged with "I", even while I still have several selves.

It's great when we all can clarify our thinking- helps us all understand ourselves better IMO.
Thanks

[Kiya]

(((((Lexa, Joshua ))))))

[Willowtrees]

Originally Posted by Kiya

Willowtrees -sounds like you're getting more co-conscious with your selves which could be the road toward "The I". Or you all may like co-conscious for a while and hang out there. It's good that you're noticing these changes are assessing your comfort level.

Or were you already co-conscious? I just thought through your post again and am comparing it to my own experience... Yeah I think I understand notme vs co-conscious... I think former selves might have merged with "I", even while I still have several selves.

It's great when we all can clarify our thinking- helps us all understand ourselves better IMO.
Thanks

We were already somewhat coconscious, but i could also see this being a temporary merging, especially with my recent sentiments of wishing i were one. Though that frustration was more about interacting with others than about myself, it could have still caused parts to go dormant. Time will tell I suppose. I was opposed to the big I for a long time until now, but now im kind of hoping this sticks. At least some of it. I like the mindset i have now a lot better vs the old one, if that makes sense. More balanced.

[Willowtrees]

Update on the ID: I still dont have it, but someone with ID can pick me up my medication, and I called IOP and they said its fine. So that crisis is averted.

Update on breaking it off with them: i havent done it yet. Im stalling, trying to figure out what to say. I like her so much. I dont want to do this but I need to. There are some important double standards of how she wants to be treated vs how she treats me, and the gap of what i feel ive put into this relationship emotionally vs what i feel i get back is too big. I have a gut feeling that that isnt good and a gut feeling that talking through it, in this case, would make things worse. So im listening to my gut instead of my heart.

"I can feel it.... In my belly." - Santa Claus, Rise of the Guardians