[finding_my_way]

i recently brought up with my psychiatrist about internal worlds. i am not sure if i have one because all i tend to see is darkness. i do not always see it either, just sometimes when i dissociate and am taken to that place.

i was trying to explain to her what i thought might have been an inside world that was just dark, but she told me it sounded more like what i described was a bunch of parts of myself i shut off that were parts i didn't like, emotions, events, etc. but not necessarily an inside world.

sometimes when i am dissociated, like right now, i feel a little more inside myself yet am still somewhat aware of what is around me externally. i just am more out of touch than other times and sometimes find myself in a kind of fuzzy place inside. i guess it's like being half out here and half inside which is a lot of how my dissociation is depending on the type...by type i mean there are a lot of variations where sometimes it's still me or other times i'm kind of blended with another part or feeling things that i know are not 100% coming from me....and a lot of variations.

i badly want an internal world or at least be able to go there because it might feel safer than just this in between state..but i can't really 'make' it happen i guess.

i just don't understand why i am left to feel all this bad stuff. i don't think i've ever 100% been taken away inside...always is some part of me still there to go through things, just with limited memories of traumatic events and very far removed during dissociative episodes.

i just feel like a confusing mess.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

i recently brought up with my psychiatrist about internal worlds. i am not sure if i have one because all i tend to see is darkness. i do not always see it either, just sometimes when i dissociate and am taken to that place.

i was trying to explain to her what i thought might have been an inside world that was just dark, but she told me it sounded more like what i described was a bunch of parts of myself i shut off that were parts i didn't like, emotions, events, etc. but not necessarily an inside world.

sometimes when i am dissociated, like right now, i feel a little more inside myself yet am still somewhat aware of what is around me externally. i just am more out of touch than other times and sometimes find myself in a kind of fuzzy place inside. i guess it's like being half out here and half inside which is a lot of how my dissociation is depending on the type...by type i mean there are a lot of variations where sometimes it's still me or other times i'm kind of blended with another part or feeling things that i know are not 100% coming from me....and a lot of variations.

i badly want an internal world or at least be able to go there because it might feel safer than just this in between state..but i can't really 'make' it happen i guess.

i just don't understand why i am left to feel all this bad stuff. i don't think i've ever 100% been taken away inside...always is some part of me still there to go through things, just with limited memories of traumatic events and very far removed during dissociative episodes.

i just feel like a confusing mess.

not all DID people have "internal worlds" for example I didnt have an internal world. when I was being abused I would dissociate by numbing/spacing out and imagining sinking into the mattress, chair, floor as if becoming part of those things. some people that I know who do not have internal world, their dissociating was floating on the ceiling, similar to but different than out of body experience. some people who dissociate to where their alters take control that dont have internal worlds have the feeling and event of watching like being in the back seat of a vehicle, some people that I know that dont have internal world perceive their dissociating like falling asleep, one moment they are doing one thing and the next they become aware doing something different....

my point is having DID does not require someone to have an internal world. how ever your DID and system of alters is for you is whats right and enabled you to survive. if you dont have an internal world that just means you didnt need one when your alters were created and during the trauma's you went through. theres no way to create a dissociative disordered internal world, it just happens when some one becomes DID during trauma if thats what they need to survive that trauma...

that said there is a mindfulness therapy technique of meditation/relaxation\guided or self guided visualizations where a therapist or anyone can find a quiet place, close their eyes and deep breathing to relax and then imagine something/anything/anywhere that is calming and relaxing to the person using this therapy technique. this is different and does not create an internal world that comes with DID for some people. its like taking a mini vacation or mini break from what ever is making a person stressed out, anxious or what ever else is going on. there are many good books on this therapy technique. just type in the search bar ....mindfulness, meditation, relaxation visualizations, all of those words will get you information on this. your treatment provider can also help you develop your own therapeutic meditation that will work for you.

[CANDC]

Hi findingmyway. We are all stuck in the mud sometimes. That why we stick together so someone can pull us out of the mud when we got stuck.

Part of my problem is following my thoughts and getting lost in a train of thought on a siding.

This simple exercise gets me back on the main track.

Breathing exercise - in normal breath - do not force.
If you are feeling very anxious or angry or just want to calm down, you can try a breathing exercise that takes the attention away from the trigger of anxiety to a simple tool of counting breaths.

Find a comfortable position seated or laying down. Begin to relax your breathing. Silently count 1 on the inhale, and two on the exhale. Then silently count 3 on the inhale and 4 on the exhale. Continue up to 10 or until you lose the count then return to one. No judgement. I sometimes end up at 18 then smile and return to 1. The idea is to focus on the breath and the counting and not get sucked into the anxiety or anger trigger. Also works to quiet the mind.

Hey hunny, sometimes (taking me for instance) the abuse is so prolonged that our world is dark. We are co-conscience, that is aware. We may be different others, but we are somewhat always aware. My conscience is the thoughts of the alters, so I'm always changing (I just can't get over that cliche). I always see, but I'm not the last person you see.

When I looked in, I saw darkness with each alter lined up in columns and rolls waiting, having a single light over their head casting shadows down their faces. Pretty systematic.

Recently though, upon finally accepting all this, my head has been building a house that we all live in, out of the dark shadows. Haven't seen the dark shadow existence since. I even dream about it. I see thousands of rooms down multi floors with unfamiliar familiar people milling about.

According to others suffering, your inner world is what you make of it. But if you are like me, going unaware isn't possible. I just don't remember what we did yesterday, nor the rest of my life.

I'm already past my abuse, but struggling to deal with life.

I hope that helps somewhat.

[finding_my_way]

i feel like i am just in between here (outside world) and nowhere yet a blend of somewhere inside...the last few months have been the worst in a while. it's like the past and inside colliding with the outside.

it makes no sense. i am lucky if i can get through work (at home thankfully) and focus enough on it before i can't anymore.

i am under a lot of stress so that is why this is all worse now...but things are stirring more than they have in a while including new information that i am still questioning.

i just hope i can find my way back out again...i guess like you, i am always changing too to some degree, AlwaysChanging2...it just isn't necessarily daily...sometimes not for weeks or months...

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

i feel like i am just in between here (outside world) and nowhere yet a blend of somewhere inside...the last few months have been the worst in a while. it's like the past and inside colliding with the outside.

it makes no sense. i am lucky if i can get through work (at home thankfully) and focus enough on it before i can't anymore.

i am under a lot of stress so that is why this is all worse now...but things are stirring more than they have in a while including new information that i am still questioning.

i just hope i can find my way back out again...i guess like you, i am always changing too to some degree, AlwaysChanging2...it just isn't necessarily daily...sometimes not for weeks or months...

I get Ya hun, all of us are always changing, some quicker than others. I'm too fast, but that's just how I was made.

I hope you come to grips with a sense of reality in your own time, luv!

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

not all DID people have "internal worlds" for example I didnt have an internal world. when I was being abused I would dissociate by numbing/spacing out and imagining sinking into the mattress, chair, floor as if becoming part of those things. some people that I know who do not have internal world, their dissociating was floating on the ceiling, similar to but different than out of body experience. some people who dissociate to where their alters take control that dont have internal worlds have the feeling and event of watching like being in the back seat of a vehicle, some people that I know that dont have internal world perceive their dissociating like falling asleep, one moment they are doing one thing and the next they become aware doing something different....

my point is having DID does not require someone to have an internal world. how ever your DID and system of alters is for you is whats right and enabled you to survive. if you dont have an internal world that just means you didnt need one when your alters were created and during the trauma's you went through. theres no way to create a dissociative disordered internal world, it just happens when some one becomes DID during trauma if thats what they need to survive that trauma...

that said there is a mindfulness therapy technique of meditation/relaxation\guided or self guided visualizations where a therapist or anyone can find a quiet place, close their eyes and deep breathing to relax and then imagine something/anything/anywhere that is calming and relaxing to the person using this therapy technique. this is different and does not create an internal world that comes with DID for some people. its like taking a mini vacation or mini break from what ever is making a person stressed out, anxious or what ever else is going on. there are many good books on this therapy technique. just type in the search bar ....mindfulness, meditation, relaxation visualizations, all of those words will get you information on this. your treatment provider can also help you develop your own therapeutic meditation that will work for you.

What is meant by an Internal World? What does that mean? Is it like a part being stuck in a dark space. Or having a part that only sits on a bench. Is that what you mean?

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

not all DID people have "internal worlds" for example I didnt have an internal world. when I was being abused I would dissociate by numbing/spacing out and imagining sinking into the mattress, chair, floor as if becoming part of those things. some people that I know who do not have internal world, their dissociating was floating on the ceiling, similar to but different than out of body experience. some people who dissociate to where their alters take control that dont have internal worlds have the feeling and event of watching like being in the back seat of a vehicle, some people that I know that dont have internal world perceive their dissociating like falling asleep, one moment they are doing one thing and the next they become aware doing something different....

my point is having DID does not require someone to have an internal world. how ever your DID and system of alters is for you is whats right and enabled you to survive. if you dont have an internal world that just means you didnt need one when your alters were created and during the trauma's you went through. theres no way to create a dissociative disordered internal world, it just happens when some one becomes DID during trauma if thats what they need to survive that trauma...

that said there is a mindfulness therapy technique of meditation/relaxation\guided or self guided visualizations where a therapist or anyone can find a quiet place, close their eyes and deep breathing to relax and then imagine something/anything/anywhere that is calming and relaxing to the person using this therapy technique. this is different and does not create an internal world that comes with DID for some people. its like taking a mini vacation or mini break from what ever is making a person stressed out, anxious or what ever else is going on. there are many good books on this therapy technique. just type in the search bar ....mindfulness, meditation, relaxation visualizations, all of those words will get you information on this. your treatment provider can also help you develop your own therapeutic meditation that will work for you.

oh ok. i think i once came across something that said people can create one in present time after trauma, the alters can build rooms, houses, etc. or new landscapes can come about.

i unfortunately think mine is just darkness inside, so i guess that was why i wondered about what others might experience, if anything.

one thing i do remember though as a child during a trauma was being pulled up somewhere, in my head, in the clouds maybe by someone. i did not see them but heard these two female voices talking to each other and to me. i was scared, and i wanted to go back. but they told me it was not safe yet. i never really had experiences like that before or after, but that place at least was safe compared to what i experience now as an adult when i dissociate.

i would like to have a safe place inside, but i seem more or less to get stuck in between in the dark place. sorry..i am rambling. still trying to make sense of things i still kind of deny is even real.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

What is meant by an Internal World? What does that mean? Is it like a part being stuck in a dark space. Or having a part that only sits on a bench. Is that what you mean?

you know how a person can daydream about being somewhere else. example when my wife and I plan a family trip sometimes I will run through our plans in my mind, daydream how it may be....well some people with some mental disorders have an internal world thats kind of like that only it has a sense of reality to it.

Example I know someone with schizophrenia. their internal world is a fictional planet, only to them it is a real place that they escape to.

another person I know with DID, their internal world is a room where all their alters come together to talk, play,do things together.

Another person I know that has DID their internal world is barbies dream house. when they dissociate they are mentally living a life in barbies dream while the alter is in control of the body and taking care of things outside the body (work, school what ever needs to be done)

a persons internal world can be anything that they need to survive, a place in their mind they go to while the alters are in control of the body.

[Claritytoo]

I don't have a single person who controles the body. We all take turnes depending on what is needed. I used to dream that there was a building with rooms where a bunch of people stayed. Some liked each other and some didn't but they all knew each other. But that was a dream that I would have a few time per year. Each time the dream would pick up where it had left off the last time. I used to have several dreams like that. When I started therapy the building in my dream became run down and the people in it had to move. But again this was a dream I had while I was asleep at night. I think now that might have been my system but I am not certain. Other wise I don't have a certain place were we go. Some of my parts have a place were they always stay. Like I have a dark lady who sits on a bench near a pond. The sky is over cast and the air is cool. That is what I see in my minds eye. But she don't go there, she is always there. She was at session once but even than she seemed to still be on the bench. I also had a young one who was at my old house and couldn't come out of the room because she had to go into the hallway. The hallway was very bad. My t helped her, we had the bedroom door open into my t's office. That got her out of the room without her having to go down the hall. Later on that day the young one and I decided to blow a hole through the wall at the end of the hall to let in the light and destroy the darkness and badness of the hallway. It helped. Is that an inner-world? My young one stayed in the room and didn't leave until we helped her get into session. If it is not an inner world what is that? Thanks

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I don't have a single person who controles the body. We all take turnes depending on what is needed. I used to dream that there was a building with rooms where a bunch of people stayed. Some liked each other and some didn't but they all knew each other. But that was a dream that I would have a few time per year. Each time the dream would pick up where it had left off the last time. I used to have several dreams like that. When I started therapy the building in my dream became run down and the people in it had to move. But again this was a dream I had while I was asleep at night. I think now that might have been my system but I am not certain. Other wise I don't have a certain place were we go. Some of my parts have a place were they always stay. Like I have a dark lady who sits on a bench near a pond. The sky is over cast and the air is cool. That is what I see in my minds eye. But she don't go there, she is always there. She was at session once but even than she seemed to still be on the bench. I also had a young one who was at my old house and couldn't come out of the room because she had to go into the hallway. The hallway was very bad. My t helped her, we had the bedroom door open into my t's office. That got her out of the room without her having to go down the hall. Later on that day the young one and I decided to blow a hole through the wall at the end of the hall to let in the light and destroy the darkness and badness of the hallway. It helped. Is that an inner-world? My young one stayed in the room and didn't leave until we helped her get into session. If it is not an inner world what is that? Thanks

for some people yes this would be what their internal world was and for others no. only you and your treatment providers can say how and what is your internal world.

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I don't have a single person who controles the body. We all take turnes depending on what is needed. I used to dream that there was a building with rooms where a bunch of people stayed. Some liked each other and some didn't but they all knew each other. But that was a dream that I would have a few time per year. Each time the dream would pick up where it had left off the last time. I used to have several dreams like that. When I started therapy the building in my dream became run down and the people in it had to move. But again this was a dream I had while I was asleep at night. I think now that might have been my system but I am not certain. Other wise I don't have a certain place were we go. Some of my parts have a place were they always stay. Like I have a dark lady who sits on a bench near a pond. The sky is over cast and the air is cool. That is what I see in my minds eye. But she don't go there, she is always there. She was at session once but even than she seemed to still be on the bench. I also had a young one who was at my old house and couldn't come out of the room because she had to go into the hallway. The hallway was very bad. My t helped her, we had the bedroom door open into my t's office. That got her out of the room without her having to go down the hall. Later on that day the young one and I decided to blow a hole through the wall at the end of the hall to let in the light and destroy the darkness and badness of the hallway. It helped. Is that an inner-world? My young one stayed in the room and didn't leave until we helped her get into session. If it is not an inner world what is that? Thanks

actually, now that you say that, it made me think of a few things more that i had forgotten. i had what i know was a dream but what i also think was something related to an internal world of sorts. it was a cave with all these rooms where all these people lived. they had their own rooms.

there is also a young part who was stuck in the dark in a childhood room i had too (not in a dream) but how i could see her/feel her, etc. that was the only part i could 'see' who had a 'place' though really.

i have not felt them like i used to be able to. and now it seems like things have shifted the last while in how they work or something.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

actually, now that you say that, it made me think of a few things more that i had forgotten. i had what i know was a dream but what i also think was something related to an internal world of sorts. it was a cave with all these rooms where all these people lived. they had their own rooms.

there is also a young part who was stuck in the dark in a childhood room i had too (not in a dream) but how i could see her/feel her, etc. that was the only part i could 'see' who had a 'place' though really.

i have not felt them like i used to be able to. and now it seems like things have shifted the last while in how they work or something.

I have two little ones who look like each other. Like me when I was small. They used to be in a dark place with a guard keeping them in or keeping us out. It was hard to tell. With help from my t we moved the girls out of the cold dark into a place with heat and light. I wanted them closed but they say we are not ready. The guard just let them out when we asked him. Again all in my minds eye. We spend a lot of time looking in having cross talk in my mind. It's a perception of how we think. When I was working I had to spend a lot of time looking out and communicating with in the world. We do think it is healthier to look out. Looking in isolates.

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

I have two little ones who look like each other. Like me when I was small. They used to be in a dark place with a guard keeping them in or keeping us out. It was hard to tell. With help from my t we moved the girls out of the cold dark into a place with heat and light. I wanted them closed but they say we are not ready. The guard just let them out when we asked him. Again all in my minds eye. We spend a lot of time looking in having cross talk in my mind. It's a perception of how we think. When I was working I had to spend a lot of time looking out and communicating with in the world. We do think it is healthier to look out. Looking in isolates.

Yes. that is a good point too about looking in and out. i find the more dissociative i am, the more i get stuck inside and the less i am able to really fully be present in the external world. it isn't in my control though, so it makes it really difficult when i have things that need to be done in the external world yet there isn't as much ability mentally or physically to be able to do it or focus on it because internally things take precedence and at times it's like walking through heavy mud.

i also at times have a lot of swirling images and thoughts and things in my head. they aren't anything concrete, and sometimes they are very far away in my head so i cannot see them but feel them. it also can confuse things for me when i am trying to focus on the external world.

i have spent a lot of time inside to a degree and just the last few years have been more in the external world more, so when the dissociation happens again it really throws me off track. it's kind of like a roller coaster that i don't always know i am on.

[Fuzzybear]

[mindfullymindless]

That darkness you're taken to, for me at least, is an inner world of sorts. Don't think of making your inner world. Instead try to think about changing what is there. I started simple, every time I threw myself into the darkness I was terrified by it. (I still am scared by external darkness) So I imagined a light penetrating the darkness. This revealed my inner world to me, which was not much better than the darkness, by the way.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by mindfullymindless

That darkness you're taken to, for me at least, is an inner world of sorts. Don't think of making your inner world. Instead try to think about changing what is there. I started simple, every time I threw myself into the darkness I was terrified by it. (I still am scared by external darkness) So I imagined a light penetrating the darkness. This revealed my inner world to me, which was not much better than the darkness, by the way.

I love that you thought about using a light. I wouldn't have thought of that. I have a question. Do you think your inner world look bad because you expected it to? My t told me I created my inner world so I can change it. She was right. I made some changes with the agreement of most, Some of the others didn't care what I did but they didn't stop me. (which I thank them for). So if you want bright sun and warm sand you can put that there. You can create in your mind what your ideal warm, safe, space can be. I also listened to my parts and added what they wanted, like sun light. Oddly enough I didn't get negative requests. Just adding warmth and sunlight makes everyone feel better.

[mindfullymindless]

@claritytoo I never thought about it like that, but you may be right. Like I said when my world was total darkness it scared the **** out of me. So yeah, I guess I did expect it to be a scary place altogether. Good advice and thank you