Worried About Something

I'm really worried about something, and I need some input. I've been with my t for a number of years, and we've always known that I have dissociation problems, but not to the degree that I would have a DID diagnosis.

What's bothering me is this. . .I've always kept a huge effort of control over other parts of me that I feel very ashamed of, and that I would describe as very unlike my normal self. I've always been able to prevent those parts of me from acting independently of my normal self. My t has encouraged me to get to know those parts better. She says I need better internal communication. So we've been working on me noticing how I feel more often, and listening for those thoughts and feelings that usually scare me and I push away.

There are times when I definitely feel emotions that come from other parts, and at times I hear a part talking in my head - although it is usually only occasionally at night before I go to sleep, or when I wake up in the night. The part that talks does it more like a monologue, telling about it's life, feelings, and thoughts. I'm not sure if it is talking to me, or just talking in general. Sometimes it goes on for 1 hour or more. I am aware when it is happening and hear what is said. But when I wake up, I only remember small portions of it.

Well, that's not the part that worries me really. What worries me is that as my t and I work on internal communication, I seem to not have as strong of a hold on these other parts of myself as usual. Occasionally, I will send my t email messages that are written and sound like a child. Again, I know when I am doing it, but it doesn't feel like me. I struggle to prevent myself from hitting the "Send" button, and sometimes this struggle can go on for as much as 3 hours or more - with one part of me trying to write something, and the other part of me saying "No, you can't say that" and erasing it.

Usually, I can prevent myself from sending them message. But once in awhile, I send it. Almost immediately, I feel horrible guilt and shame. I feel like I should have prevented it. I feel upset that I didn't, and embarrassed about the things in the email. I always send an apology afterward to my t. It makes me feel weird that I let it happen, and I can't help feeling like I should have been able to prevent it. I tell myself I must have done it for attention, that it wasn't really a part of me, that I must have been pretending or something. Because when it happens, I say things that I just don't say in my normal life at home, work, or anywhere. The messages sound like a child. I'm an adult! I'm a technical writer to boot. It just feels weird and wrong, and it leaves me worried.

I need to understand why this is happening.

your post to me sounds like you are working what my location calls the child within therapy approach. this is the premise that everyone normal or not has parts of self...times when they feel like a child/react like a child.

listening/talking to/paying attention to those times when we feel like a child is sometimes like the reaction people have when they have a physical problem...maybe that problem is a sprained ankle. the more you pay attention to it, focus on it, the more notice able the pain and problems.

focusing on the child with in causes some people to notice more often their behaviors, moods, and because they are noticing so much they lose track of keeping their guard up, keeping such a firm hold on things.

it is actually progress when someone notices they have let down their guard to where they are noticing things seem to be getting worse before they get better. it may seem like two steps back but its actually progress because now whats being uncovered can be dealt with.

my suggestion keep working the program/following what your treatment provider is having you do, keep them in the loop of whats going on and what you are noticing now that you are aware of whats going on. this way they can help you through it and you will soon be noticing things getting better rather than focusing on how things seem to be getting worse.

Hey Hun, it's great that you are getting to know your parts

We went years in denial even though we knew when the body was a teenager that we are parts. We chose not to pursue it because we wanted to appear "normal". In retrospect, we were far from normal!

It wasn't till later in life that we came out of denial. We all shared our names, the same ones that we had when the body was a teen. The more we are recognized, the more we become, the freedom to be ourselves. Actually, we've always been switching, but we did it seamlessly and silently. I can say our voices were part of the conscience thinking process. We worked together like a clock.

So I can say, it's the others finding the freedom to express themselves. Don't let it scare you, because you are more than just you.

I find notes all the time I that I didn't write but someone else wrote. It can be confusing, but I've grown to accept it myself.

Hang in there sweety, talk to them, get to know them. We talk all the time.

i can understand. i was said in 2003 to have 'probable DID' but most recently finally asked my psychiatrist. she never outright said DID, just that i am dissociative.

like you, even when i dissociate and can feel other parts, even when it is very severe for me, there is still some aspect of me mixed in...the problem for me when that happens is it is all so internal and leaves me just a mess..when it lessens, i don't remember a lot of it. this year, i actually lost two months because of severe dissociation and a lot of blending with other parts. i cannot tell you what i did during that time (but i know it wasn't anything unusual since that's just not how i all work).

my dissociation is just a lot more internal with little external things..although it used to be a bit more..but for me it also was a lot of talking inside, loudness of my head, hearing bits and pieces of words, conversations, etc. like you say you do..and other things.

i actually used to know more of mine, but they have changed over the years to being just almost completely different-maybe even new ones (or ones i knew don't seem to exist anymore) which confuses me even more.

not sure what to say about it for you though because it's just a learning process all around.

Perhaps one explanation is that "DID getting better LOOKS like getting worse". To use an analogy, if you have a glass of dirt and pour water in it, it turns to mud. but if you continue to pour water, it will stir things up and look worse and swirly and muddy and awful, but you keep pouring water and eventually it comes clear and all you have is water.
yes? When the system is finally "safe" from abuse and realizes it, it starts breaking down. and then we get stuck... and then people try to help us, but that gets messy. and scares us. but if we keep working at it, one day things will be clear again.
xox

Once a part or alter gets to talk & probably for the first time feels heard, they want to keep talking & being heard. How does your T feel about getting the emails? Some don't mind & even r happy about it. Others want to make rules. Soon u will develop your own protocal & rules. Like having a committee meeting & setting up guidelines. So that u can feel comfortable & so can they. Perhaps u all can agree to put emails u r uncomfortable with in your draft folder for awhile. But it is such a great step that the parts r being listened to cuz they each have a part of the story to tell. People can work for years to get to this point. Altho it doesn't feel like it, this is really wonderful. Hang in there ��

Amandalouise,

Thanks for your reply. You always give such thorough answers.

In reading your response, I wasn't sure if you were saying that it's a good thing to be aware of the child part(s) or not. At first, I thought you were saying that I was paying too much attention to those parts, which was why it was disturbing to me (like a person paying too much attention to an injury). But later, you said it was a good thing to be aware of them. So I'm a bit confused. Can you please clarify?

Thanks,
Peaches

AlwaysChanging2,

Thanks for the encouragement. When you said that your parts had the same name you did as a teen, do you mean that all parts had your same name? My parts don't have separate names, except the ones I give them so that my t and I know which one we are talking about or to. Also, when you said the voices were part of your conscious thinking process, were you referring to the parts? In other words, over time, did you just come to accept that the different parts were just different mental aspects of yourself?

Peaches

Findingmyway,

I can relate to some of your experiences. I think most of my dissociation is internal, and that I usually have the control to conceal it from being obvious to observers (except in severe cases of triggering). Most of the time, what casual aquaintances would notice would be me acting somewhat spacy and forgetful.

I was curious about your comment that you feel that, over time, you have discovered more parts. What made you aware of it? Do you go to therapy to deal with dissociative issues?

Kiya,

I liked the example you gave of pouring water into a dirty glass. That makes sense to me. I also relate to what you said about the system realizing it is finally safe and then breaking down. The problem for me was when I did break down, an acquaintance of mine tried to help by being a sort-of therapist to me. As it turns out, I got incredibly attached (I have serious attachment issues), and once the situation got too time-consuming and felt beyond her expertise, she wanted out of the situation and the relationship with me, and she abandoned me outright and completely. It was more devastating that I can describe. If I could go back and do it over again, I would not have let anyone "help" me in that way who was not a trained mental health professional. Being drawn in and feeling supported, loved, and understood, and then ultimately abandoned, brought back the worst of my childhood issues of rejection.

Fuzzybear,

Thank you for the hug!

Cavaliers,

I think I need to do as you suggested and have a committee meeting to make some decisions about between hours contact with my t. My t uses the words "conference room" to describe an inner place where all parts can interact together. However, to me, it feels like the parts in the conference room only interact with the spokesman or chairman of the conference (if that makes sense). What I mean is that they respond to questions posed to them, but they do not speak to one another while in the room. That makes it hard to visualize having them all come to an agreement. I have to find out individually, one at a time, whether or not they can agree to a certain thing.

My t has never really liked email. When we started working together, and for quite awhile afterwards, my t responded to all my emails without fail, and I didn't think she minded. But farther down the line, her replies got shorter and she responded less quickly to them. After having a few ruptures about it, I found out she really doesn't like getting long emails or multiple emails. So I have had to pull back and exercise self-control not to send too many. In fact, I try not to send any if I can at all help it. I may have swung too far in the other direction, though, because sometimes she offers to let me email, but I can't seem to do it now without feeling guilty because I knew she was a bit put out about them in the past.

Oh I'm sorry hun, the others that I met then all have the same name today, like Steve, Trebor, Bobbie.

It's like we're co-conscience- aware of each other, and our head chatter is that we worked/talked together as a group anonymously for years solving problems, dealing with life. I can say that we are quite the seperate entities.

We lived in a tent of denial for 30 years switching seamlessly and quietly, a body rule declared by an other to appear singularily normal as a teen- hindsight says "FAIL!". It wasn't till recent that this facade has been dispelled.

Some of us, like I, has come to terms of being a multiple. Some of the others are still in personal denial and disbelief.

It's like we have a leader that directs our day, like to get things done, a voice that directs us. He's all seeing, he sees through us. Right now he's prodding us to get to work which means my time this morning is up. I gotta let the workers go do their thing. I might get to return later today, depending on what happens. This is just how we do it.

I described switching like this in another forum. Switching is like a light switch, one moment you're on and the next you're off, alternating from one dissociated coping skill to another. After this, it's to the degree of your switches, from parts to full blown others.

I believe a singular person would handle situations gracefully. Multiples go from one coping skill to another, like light and day. When we switch, we feel like a different person before the other takes over, and (I) tend to come across as over reactiing and emotionally unstable- Lol

I understand this condition while others refute it. Understanding and relating has at least brought me into acceptance of how we are. I hope this helps hun, I gotta go!

yes it is a good thing that you are aware of your parts,

my point was there is a natural process the brain goes through with anything in life...... when you discover something new what happens...your brain focuses on that new thing.

I chose an injury for an example because thats usually what people have in common and can relate to.

in reality it can be anything... you notice a gray hair, your brain makes you focus on it. you notice a new mole\zit\blemish, your brain processes it by constantly reminding you its there, you notice a bright object what does your mind do...keeps bringing this back to your minds attention...just a fact of how the brain works.

when someone notices they have parts of self the brain naturally focuses on that. as a result of this they pay more attention to these parts. this is a good thing because now that a person knows they switch into these normal parts of self it can be controlled. example when I notice I am slipping into my parent part at work I take a step back, breath and remind myself I am at work and that co worker is not my child that I need to parent. so what they are doing something in a way I would not, they are not my child and they are not me. then I smile and breath and resume with my responsible adult mind not the parent or child mindset. another example when I notice I am slipping into my normal child part (someone has said or done something that makes me want to throw a temper tantrum for example) I breath and remind myself I am at work, I can not scream, yell and throw a temper tantrum. I need to be the responsible adult self and continue doing my work appropriately.

if I wasnt aware of these normal parts of self and didnt pay attention to them what would happen? I could get fired from my job by switching into my child part of self right.

it is a very good thing that you now know you have these inner parts of self and can now focus on them because you can now fix the problem.

when someone notices they have parts of self the brain naturally focuses on that. as a result of this they pay more attention to these parts. this is a good thing because now that a person knows they switch into these normal parts of self it can be controlled. example when I notice I am slipping into my parent part at work I take a step back, breath and remind myself I am at work and that co worker is not my child that I need to parent. so what they are doing something in a way I would not, they are not my child and they are not me. then I smile and breath and resume with my responsible adult mind not the parent or child mindset. another example when I notice I am slipping into my normal child part (someone has said or done something that makes me want to throw a temper tantrum for example) I breath and remind myself I am at work, I can not scream, yell and throw a temper tantrum. I need to be the responsible adult self and continue doing my work appropriately

AmandaLouise,

Thanks loads for your reply above. That makes sense to me!

Peaches

That does make sense, each of us fight others off to take care of our immediate unfinished business. But also, a lot doesn't get done because the persons job to do is so like AWOL.