[just2b]

So I am not the host, and I guess I am an ANP. So T had been away for 2 weeks and today was our session and her first day back. Things are unexplainable and so she asked to speak to our little one whom is about 4. While talking to T 4 said she missed T and lately there has been a " voice" that seems to be harsh and yet truthful regardless of who she talks to. Internally she pointed out to 4 that T did not acknowledge that 4 missed her. And that is what she has been trying to tell the system that T like everyone else in life can not be trusted, so this got 4 upset. So told T. Which T confirmed she can not be 4's mom. That 4 is in the mind of a much older woman and so forth. Then as a way to end the conversation, another voice step in with " if you slap yourself she will end session" within five minutes the slap happened and T ended session. I am an ANP, usually don't feel left over emotions and all but I am feeling this and see 4 extremely upset, and hurt. The older teens and toddlers now fear T feels this way about all of them. No one wants to see T anymore. Although the host may want to but hasn't been around for like 2 months or so. Suppose to see T Friday am. Sent email saying it may be our last session. I feel badly for the system, and don't really know what to do. Never been in a position like this before. If I slip away the teens will take over and I see it not being good. Supposedly there are like two or three that self harm and a few that drink ...worst case is they engage in that stuff to deal with their pain and hurt over what they think T really feels now. Like 6 months ago she gave 4 a blankie for comfort and another young part asked for her perfume so we can make the blankie smell like her of course now the blankie and perfume bottle have been put up and kinda want to give it back to T but not sure about that either. I don't have the thoughts of what these little ones are having or teenagers but I feel the pain all over the body and am uncomfortable with it.
I know T was the only support for Host now she will be most surprised if its gone. no one wants to acknowledge T or have to see her Friday.

Has anyone been through something like this where it seems now T is not being there? 4 loved T now hates her. I am at a loss as what to do. This system is mainly teens and young parts.

Please no harsh words feeling very down and unmotivated to do the adult things needed to be done. Feeling glum.

I'm so sorry...I haven't a clue, but I'm here for you. I hope that things gets better for all of you.

[finding_my_way]

i have not dealt with the same situation to that degree, but there are def. parts that do not like my psychiatrist. some think she is potentially harmful, some know she is not how we always need her to be, and some just in general don't like her for whatever reason.

i have been with her for 10 years now and have had times where i wanted to stop seeing her and did try, but what kept me going back was knowing she was the only one who really 'gets' things and has not been as harmful as a lot of other professionals i have encountered over the years. so, i try to hold on to that fact. sometimes, i have had to step back for a bit and let things calm down and then resume seeing her.

sorry i cannot be of much help.

[Claritytoo]

I stopped seeing my t because she lied about something. She said she didn't lie but we know better. I could have continued with my t if she hadn't lied. Once she did that I felt like she must think I am an idiot. I no longer trusted her. And without trust there is nothing. I wish things could be different. My little ones liked her and trusted her. Be we all have to trust her. We don't all have to like her but we all have to trust her. And we didn't. I have been thinking about finding a new therapist but I wouldn't want to tell them about our DID, so why go.

It's like...hardly any of us likes our partner so much that the one that married quit showing up. They can't please everyone all the time...especially for us multiples...this is what makes the inner struggle more than overwhelming for us....nobody gets what we all go through.

Betrayal is betrayal...this hurts everything. Shut the door...we are done.

We've been labeled sensitive. Some of us have a tough hide and can handle wars, and yet others are easily offended...wow...revelation time.

Once the trust is gone....it takes a lot of work to regain. If your T is willing to fix this...since she's learned y'all too, it might be better to stay if she says sorry?

I hope that things are misunderstood and that things get worked out. I'm sure that she has to keep your best interest in mind...or she needs to go flip burgers. Get well!

[just2b]

Thanks everybody for responding. T responded back to email saying she was very sorry for hurting 4's feelings and understands if we decide to leave therapy. But feels this a decision that should be made by adults not children only. ..think she meant as a system it should be made. We hand wrote a letter with explanations to how different things lately have been affecting us that she does and may have no idea. Told her the host isn't here to make a decision so we will continue but this has to be worked on. But 4 wants space right now. Will see how it goes.

I've almost sacked my T loads of times. I've only actually left once, and I returned within a month. Everytime something happens that upsets me, I just think - what were his intentions? If the reason he lied (or whatever) was malicious, then I would be out the door in a second. But its always he was trying to do the right thing - and messed up. And that I can deal with.

Does 4 have to keep attending just2b? Do you think you could persuade 4 not to attend any sessions until she feels ready, but to let the others continue going in the meantime?

[just2b]

T had asked for 4. 4 is generally the most knowledgeable about things going on. But having been away on vacation and all made 4 flat out say she missed T. Then everything happened. But now seems 4 is gone. Weird experience and she and her friends ( their like a little gang ) have gone to an island with no adults. I decided to continue to go since it wasn't my decision to start. The host has been gone for 2 months.

[peaches100]

Just2be,

I am not going to criticize you. I have felt this exact same way many times during my therapy. It's a very awful, painful place to be. It is at these exact moments that I give serious thought to giving up and quitting therapy.

Like you, I have child parts. From what I've learned, I assume they were formed as I was growing up, during those many times that I felt emotionally or physically in danger and needed comfort and protection from my mom -- and did not receive it. This repeated experience of being in so much pain with nobody to help or rescue me was so unbearable that I managed to banish those traumatized parts of myself. For decades, I coped as a responsible adult who did not need to rely, nor want to rely, on others for support. I did not realize that I still had parts of myself that were childlike, in pain, and in need of rescuing. Not until I had my breakdown.

Since then, these needy, hurting parts of me dog my days and fill my nights. They make it hard for me to think and act like an adult. They make it hard for me to carry out my daily responsibilities. They make me feel hurt and ashamed. I try to hide them, but it no longer works. When something triggers me or reminds me of the past when I needed so much, and didn't get the help I need, these child parts of me come rushing out. They scream and cry for rescue, for a mother, to protect and comfort and love them. They know my parents can't provide it. It is my job to learn to love and rescue those hurting parts of me, but I feel incapable. I don't feel loving enough toward them. They embarrass me.

So they cry out to my t to rescue them, to be their mom. And just as your t cannot be your mom, my t cannot be mine either. The sheer pain of knowing this - of facing the reality that my parents never gave me the love and protection I needed - and that nobody will ever be able to fill up that hole now - sometimes feels like dying. Maybe this is how it feels for you also.

I don't have the answer. At times when I am feeling more in my adult state of mind, I would say hang in there, let your t help you, be patient, be good to yourself, and know that you will come out on the other side of this much happier, stronger, and healthy.

Unfortunately, right now, I am in the same state of mind that you are. I also am going through the same feeling of disappointment with my t because of a situation once again where I felt like I truly needed more from her, and she did not provide it. Maybe didn't even realize I needed it. Even though we've been through this before many times. It leaves me feeling alone and hurting, and yet I feel it is my fault for being so needy and not having learned by now how to take better care of my own child selves. I feel disappointed with my t, and disappointed with myself. At those times, I want to give up and not go back to t also.

I wish I could give you the perfect advice. But all I can do is say that I think I understand where you are coming from. I understand that feeling of need, and need denied, and the pain that results. I know the fear of feeling like you are all alone with your pain and need someone to be like a mom and rescue you. But it can't happen because you are actually an adult, who has aspects that feel like a scared and needy child.

Please know that I am 100% right there with you on this. I DO understand.

Be gentle with yourself. Give it time. It's going to be OK.

Peaches

[just2b]

Ok..been having a really hard time. I am not the one that posted this rather one that is now extremely hurt by T. She said a few things. ..one being yes she choices to ignore some texts and emails that maybe sent. Happens to be ones I send...they are venting usually...and she says she had to filter stuff. Also has to....I am to hurt to say any more. Just feel rejected once again by a T ...I guess it's me...my fault. So anyone know how to disconnect from T when other parts still see her ?? Told her no one in system would email or text again.f**** Hate her!!! Just like everyone else!!!

Hey just2b, I don't really have any advice - you seem a lot more knowledgeable about your system than I am of mine! But it sounds like you are so hurt right now, and I so feel for you ((((just2b)))). My T has really really hurt me in the past too. I am glad Ive stuck with him though. If it was me going through this, I would have two completely opposing thoughts on how to react next...

1) In the next session with your T, the hurt bit of you goes in to a sound proof room in your head, puts up a dart board with a picture of your T on it, and spend the next hour practicing your shot

2) In the next session with your T, try and get only the hurt bit of you to talk. Explain to the T that the texts/ emails she ignores all happen to be from you, and see if the two of you can work out why the T chooses to deal with your feelings in this way. It may be that she feels threatened when you vent and subconsciously protects herself by ignoring the more 'scary' messages? Or it may be that she is very consciously trying to get bits of you (angry/ hurt bits) to come to the session to talk about this stuff, rather than rely on outside of session communications? It would be interesting to know if she realises she is singling you out for this treatment? Its important she understands just how deeply she has hurt you.

Hope things start to improve soon x

[just2b]

This part seems to be very hurt and trying to proceed carefully and talk with T. Sent email that she replied to and sent back more thoughts. She is very happy we have a discussion about this going on and I am too. She would be the first we have had the opportunity to process with. She is truly awesome! !!