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#1
Apr 11, 2016, 11:33 AM
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do any of you experience amnesia and can tell me a little about your experience...?
i have been trying to read about it but from my experience the text book definitions are nice to the ears but hardly represent an actual case..? im just worried... i cant recall most of anything, i have a few flashes that i can momentarily recall, but very very few... i remember the traumas more than anything... but the flash will come and go and its gone until it comes back again... there is no timeline in my life... i cant seem to create memories either... i feel so unreal... how can i exist if i dont have a history or a future..? i dont talk about it because no one understands the gravity of it... people laugh at simple forgetfulness and it makes me feel so bad because what im doing isnt just absentmindedness or forgetfulness.. its like i dont have a brain or something... i feel present in this moment and its the only thing i can see.. with no memories of really where im going or how i really got to this point... i cant really explain how i feel... its like the only reason i believe im alive is because everyone around me is telling me that it is real... i really dont understand whats happening with me... i try not to think about it too much because i can be very obsessive and i guess im just hoping that it goes away somehow... but ive been reading more about it lately and trying to think about it because im scared it could be something really bad... and if it is a bad thing i would like to get treated for it sooner than later... its so scary, so much that i just disconnect from it completely... and i actually forget about forgetting things... but i cant live like this... everyone around me thinks im just playing around or something.... they will start to ask me a question and stop and say things like "oh right no sense asking you, you wont remember anyway!"  i always rationalize and say things like "well i always drink coffee so yesterday i had a coffee and cig in the morning" but i dont actually remember... i can forget things so fast as well... tell me something and ask me 30 seconds later and i probably wont remember... this is no way to live.. this is not being alive  i dont know how to describe it... and im scared of trying to explain because no one will listen or believe me.. how can i explain something i cant understand... all i can say is "i cant remember anything..." but people ignore that and just shrug it off... and i just repress it and try to move on... maybe i am faking... or maybe none of this is real at all, im just sleeping and having a bad dream... i just hate this... and i hate people not understanding... making me feel like a fake... or malingering... it hurts me so bad does any one know how it feels to not know yourself... sorry about posting stupid stuff here... i just dont understand whats happening... i dunno... i guess i would just feel a little better if someone else understands...
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#2
Apr 11, 2016, 11:55 AM
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for me, the problem starts when i lose entire days/ more than 1 dayy.
i've had times when obviously i must have been alive, but i just don't remember a thing about the day... what i ate, what i did, who i spoke too.. nothing and it's strange because i know for a fact i lived through it. it's just gone the smaller memory issues don't bother me as much (they still do), but not as much as losing complete days think my record is losing an entire weekend |
 elevatedsoul
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 elevatedsoul
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#3
Apr 11, 2016, 12:33 PM
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sometimes it feel like im just really high or something if that makes sense?
even when im completely sober the only thing that confuses me about this forgetfulness is that its constant... it seems like the dissociative type is different than constant..? i just feel like im stuck in a state of mind that is resorting to drastic methods to keep me from severe distress...? i told my last pdoc about it briefly but he was a jerk and didnt listen to anything i said ever anyway... he said that marijuana causes people to forget stuff, and i just closed the case with him because im not a moron and know that you might forget stuff when smoking  the fact is though that its worse when im sober, and when i get high or buzzed i feel more normal and can remember things better... not that i remember everything but i remember a little better... or maybe because im high it doesnt bother me as much ? i dunno, its just confusing and im not really entirely sure how to talk about it because i just keep hitting like mental blocks that stop me mid-sentence in what im trying to say.. i dont like complaining or drawing attention to myself so i always hide all of my symptoms as much as i can.. maybe doing that for so long has caused my brain to do these things..? i feel so strange, its like being high i think... dont really know how to explain it other than that... its not really euphoric type of high though so dont get me wrong... i dunno, it sounds ridiculous even to me...  i just wish i knew what was happening... reading about the dissociative amnesia it seems that people will experience retrograde amnesia and anterograde amnesia.. but still have the ability to make new memories..? and have memories before the incident that brought on the episode..? i just feel like a blank slate, i try so hard to put events in place but i just have a handful of pictures that have no time relation to them besides "i know they happened in the past" but i still retain like... some learned knowledge (although sometimes i am unable to recall it and end up recalling it later), communication, how to move my body... so i dont really think its dementia or alzheimers... dont think its a tumor because my vision is fairly the same even though i am nearsighted and need a weakish glasses to see at a distance... which i hardly ever wear... i dont have many migraines or headaches... im just confused and cant remember things... my personal identity is still fairly intact i think... i mean i feel like im not sure about alot of things but i think i feel like the same person atleast... just that i forgot alot of stuff... i dunno if its mild cognitive impairment or not either... but it scares me because my mind is the most important part of me... knowledge is why i stay alive because im completely obsessed with learning everything i can... having memory problem really hurts that endeavor.. im just hoping they hurry and accept my case and give me insurance so i can figure it out before i die of some freak disease...
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| Anonymous37827
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#4
Apr 11, 2016, 12:37 PM
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Quote:
my treatment providers and I distinguish between all of this is by adjusting my medication. this takes care of that associated amnesia problems. get on a regular routine and use my relaxation tools to combat stress and anxiety. my dissociative amnesia well we distinguish this from other types of forgetfulness\inability to remember through the diagnostic criteria for dissociative amnesia.. and take it one step at a time.. example... my treatment provider pulls out the criteria...and talk about each one and how it fits in with me...you can read the actual wording in my dissociative link at the bottom of my post... short version it was my normal not to remember anything surrounding trauma and stress and personal information having to do with that trauma and stress (criterion A) that caused problems in my daily life. (criterion B) for example i have little to no memory of field trips that included my dissociative triggers of darkness, dampness, loud vehicles, coal... due to being abused in mine shafts. even now if i get triggered by something from my past I tend to not remember what ever it was associated with that trigger. example over spring break my wife and I and our children did a bit of traveling to relatives that lived in an area that was active in construction. I have no memory of that part of the trip (going through the construction zone) I also keep in mind that having dissociative memory problems is something that has been a part of my life since before I was 5, therefore its my normal. sometimes I do compare myself to others clarity of memory and it bothers me and sometimes it bothers me that I can not remember things so well during therapy but overall I handle these times by remembering this is just my normal. |
| elevatedsoul
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#5
Apr 11, 2016, 01:30 PM
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yeah when they had me on all those meds i could understand just being out of it in general.. but im only taking wellbutrin right now and i have all but quit drinking / smoking weed... i might drink 2-4 beers once or twice a month... smoke maybe once a month...
so i just cant see how it maybe being induced by any substances... i have always been forgetful too so like you said i have just thought it was normal and didnt pay attention to it till last few years where i've actually been trying to be sober and remember my past.. and unable to really remember anything... trying to get better and have a real life... and maybe able to be happy... i know that alcohol and substance abuse can cause problems but some how i just feel deep inside of me that those things arent the cause of this... i started self medicating 13 years old.. i was trying to escape alot of things... but it just seems like maybe i succeeded in escaping my sanity... only recently have i started realizing and trying to accept that im different from normal people... past few years or whatever... my time perception is horrible... i'll forget what day it is several times a day even it just seems like its getting worse ultimately though... since i have been sobering up these past few years... maybe because i dont have substances to nullify the effects of memories i have...? or maybe because im sober the memories are trying to surface and my brain is shutting down to prevent retraumatization..? it just makes me so... grrr ... angry and sad and confused and blablabla its scary because i feel like everyone will just say "its because you drank too much and smoked too much" like its not serious and its my fault and i deserve it and stuff... but i dont deserve this... i didnt decide to become an alcoholic / substance user because i wanted to get high... i did it because i needed relief and escape to try to preserve my sanity and life... i hate being confused... when i was drinking and stuff i just didnt try to think about anything... i was just trying to escape you know.. but i got to the point where depression and anxiety were making it even impossible to do that... so i tried getting help from doctors and getting sober and stuff... but its just been getting worse... its so hard to explain because i cant really... i dunno its like trying to explain a color to someone color blind... "what color is that one?" Red, "what color is this one?" Blue "but they look the same, are you sure?" of course i am.... "i dont believe you" fine whatever dont believe me i dont care anyway... how can i explain it to a doctor when i cant even explain it to myself... i feel more dead than alive i was extremely depressed at the beginning of this year... high anxiety... and now im just feeling more discconected than anything... i mean i still feel depressed but its like sitting still in the middle of a lake with no wind or paddles... stuck out here with no way to get to shore... blistering in the sun... accepting my dismal fate... im sorry im probably not making any sense, i just thought writing a little about it might help some how.. now i just wanna get drunk
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| amandalouise
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| amandalouise
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#6
Apr 11, 2016, 04:34 PM
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i am wondering if this has always been the case for you (sorry if you wrote that it was) and how long you have been on wellbutrin for?
i ask that because i was on wellbutrin years ago, and it made the dissociation SO severe that i questioned my own existence (worse than usual) to the point i was convinced i had to hurt myself just to prove i was alive. it was really scary. but once i went off that, it lessened to the normal dissociation i had. perhaps it has taken this long for the effects of drugs and alcohol and other meds combined with the dissociation you experience for your brain to recover. it might kind of still be waking up and trying to process things, and it might also be partly a result of stress and anxiety over not being able to remember much too which can create a cycle of all that and contribute to some memory loss. i had several years of very bad dissociation. i have no idea how i actually got through high school because of it and other things associated. though i DO have memories from the past few years. unlike you though, i don't recall a lot of trauma, just befores and afters. i also cannot piece together timelines that well....and i get time confused in general where i think something happened a few years ago where it was a year or so ago or the opposite. i have a daily routine, so i generally know i stick to it when i cannot fully remember..also cuz i know i stay home unless i need to go out for something..so it doesn't concern me as much..it's more the dissociation aspect than memory aspect that bothers me cuz i have no life to really have time matter 'that' much. my memory loss isn't as significant as yours, but i can relate to some of what you have said. |
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#7
Apr 11, 2016, 05:06 PM
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well, i started the wellbutrin in january...
i was taking other meds but because of the pdoc not listening i self tapered off them and stopped seeing him because he didnt seem interested in my wellbeing... i stopped all those meds last year... all of my problems have been going on atleast since the age of 5... i know i experienced a sepparation from physical reality atleast once that i can remember which was so severe that it burned an image in my mind... its not like a memory of you seeing something but its a memory of seeing myself and all of my surroundings like i was omnipresent... complete surreal feeling... like loss of all control or interpretation of what was coming in... i dont remember what happened after that moment... i always just assumed i went back to playing hide n seek with my cousin/brothers... so its really just part of who i am i guess... it also seems like everytime something distressing happens i repeat "just forget it""just forget it""just forget it" over and over... but sometimes something happens to me and i wont remember what happened... like the last time i "woke up" cursing a friend out over something trivial.. i dunno why i did it or what happened to make me do it but i just know after i woke up i felt so enraged i had to practically run away deeply breathing and just grinding my teeth horribly.. i did come back after 10 minutes or so and tried to apologize and say i dont know what happened but clearly no one would understand that... i have a few memories of things that i would consider mediocre ... like i have this image in my mind of me walking down the long driveway to the fosterhome house... but its not like i remember it as myself its like a memory of watching someone else do that... most of the things i remember are sucky though... and there is so much that i cant remember  i've just been dealt a difficult hand of cards to play since the beginning i think i just wish i could explain to people so they wouldn't joke about it... they dont know what its like not to be able to describe themselves... ill be ok some day, some day 
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#8
Apr 11, 2016, 06:24 PM
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im only 26 years old by the way... but i feel like i have lived several lifetimes in these years...
my memory is just really strange for someone my age i think so it just makes me feel like something has to be going on, it has to be something, this is not normal i realized a little while ago (literally like a couple hours ago) that i tend to forget peoples names... names of movies and shows, it seems the only thing i can really remember is how to play music and think extremely deep outside of the box philosophically..? i remember theories and stuff too.. but it just seems like i dont have any memories of myself... why does psychology have to be so hard to explain? i feel like im being ripped apart by my mind... in all directions i used to read alot but now its really hard to just read a paragraph... i have to keep going back because i forgot what the other part said so its like out of context... i guess that could just be the adhd though... my mind always jumps all over the place when im trying to focus on something :/ like im reading about something that happened over seas and in the middle of a sentence i start wondering what makes the sun glow, or why we cant see in the dark - nonsense stuff and then realize that i havent been paying attention and am almost through "reading" the page but i dunno what it said... like i continue reading but my mind wanders off somewhere, i dunno how to explain that either... i feel so complicated, i feel like any doctor in the right mind would be scared to treat me because of things like false memories... i know for a fact i have done that a few times... remembering something so clearly but everyone tells me i didnt do it and later i see the proof that i really didnt do that or it didnt happen that way or whatever.. after a while it just makes you question everything ya know? im just getting to the point where i dunno how to handle it anymore... i dont want to become catatonic... dont wanna go to the hospital... i dont wanna scare anyone either... but i am scared... but i am a fighter... i've been through so much i refuse to give up... not going to let all of the bad things destroy the good things i know i have inside of me somewhere... after a while it just starts to feel like you arent really alive... it even seems hard to describe myself, my personality or whatever because i dont really have any memories to judge myself by if that makes sense..? all i know is that i try hard to be a nice guy, gentlemen... i do everything i can to not lie... im respectful... but its like i dont have proof to myself of those things and when i think about it more it feels like i have actually been other people in this life time... i mean i know i open doors for the ladies... i say thank you and sir and m'am... i dunno, the more i think about it the more confused i get and less sense im making... like the other night, or week (grr how ever long ago) i was drinking a couple beers with mom and she started talking about relationship stuff and girlfriend stuff because she wants me to get married but i remember my attitude changed and i started talking with more raspy voice which i noticed and it made me feel weird because the way i talk sometimes just doesnt seem like me, i mean i know its me... but its more like a dream where you only have control sometimes even if you try to change things in the dream it happens anyway, does that make any sense? i dunno if she noticed any changes or not... maybe i will ask her next time i talk to her... but i definitely noticed it... im so weird... my mind is always at conflict with itself, do this, no do that, no this way, no thats stupid, you're stupid, you cant do this! ectectect... i just hear my inner voice though... unlike what ive seen from others where they have different voices doing those things... only 2 times i remember i had auditory happenings... 1 time i was laying in bed and i heard a mans voice say something... i cant remember what, i think maybe it was just my name... unless thats a false memory... and the other time i heard a complete orchestra... never really hallucinated either... although 2 times i saw something... first time i saw like little mouse kangaroo thing hopping cross the floor and into a shoe.. lights were off so it was hard to see but was enough light for me to see stuff and i saw the shadow things... they werent real i dont think because they just looked like moving shadows... the second one i saw like hundreds of spiders crawlling on my desk with the light on, they were shadow too... but that time i was pretty high... so i dont think im schizophrenic you know... i just really dunno what to think anymore... feel like i have read everything i can and im just at the end of the road... maybe im just extremely introverted... or maybe my life has just gotten out of my control and im just really scared about it... i dunno grrrr it just feels so bloody weird when i think about it, i hate being confused - especially about this stuff because it makes me feel like an idiot - which is one of the reasons why i dont share anything with anyone because i am terrified of judgement from other people even though i dont really care... i care more about how i would make my family look but whatever... no one likes people to talk bad about them... i guess i do care... ive read that people describe it as being in a haze or things seeming foggy... but it just seems like... im just watching a projection...like a virtual reality i guess... i tend to write too much because i zone out or something.... sorry about that... thanks for reading...
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#9
Apr 11, 2016, 06:54 PM
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Socializer, social media, cleaners, any time bouncing doing those things there in between when one returns something can be not communicated and forgotten everyday amnesia especially if triggered out. Basically anything in the criteria those identity varying perception, cognition, sensory motor, identity, memory can prompt amnesia when the host or alter returns at it's job day to day what he was doing watching television and forgets that the television was unplugged ay activities.
One example, teen alter is on instagram posting that is his role mostly just for fun so that the older ones aren't depressed, but then the host returns and pushes the power without plugging up the television first knowing the host unplugged it just to testing her...Once you start noticing the switching and amnesia then you begin to test and be like okay, I know the teen is coming out so please remember to plug up the television first even speaking it out loud as a reminder, then still going over to hit the power button...In this instance, an teen stayed around there should be some sort of communication about alters staying around...This is an light example. Training and rules can be helpful so just stay positive, patience, practicing, and indication of why the teen alter was split for handle certain task like this not necessary a trauma teen alter got locked away now has been introduced to the host and wants time out.. |
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#10
Apr 11, 2016, 09:06 PM
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im little inebriated currently
but i just was wondering is it possible for more than 1 alter to be out? generally im calm, generous, passive, "fun" on the outside but inside im a mess... i dont really want to make assumptions here because i like facts rather than assumptions... but i remember somewhere that said DID is not really like other people inside of you but other parts of you that have been detached..? is it possible for an "alter" to dominate control..? because i feel like a robot sometimes... the person i am on the outside is really... well id do anything for you if that makes sense... but it seems like im always in conflict inside... it sort of feels like i have stripped everything in my mind, catagorized it, and i dont let any of it out besides the neutral "me"... the passive guy that just wants to survive another day... i isolate so much i dont know how i react in certain situations anymore... i just avoid anything that could trigger me... which is pretty much anything... so i just try to stay by myself in my room most of the time because its easier to survive i guess... when i go around other people it changes though, i act so weird sometimes... talking about things i would never really usually talk about.. saying things in strange ways... i remember this one time i cant remembe rwhat i was saying but i just remember my uncle saying "ive never heard J talk like this before, whats going on?!" and after he said that i realized that i really was acting weird and i dont remember after that.. i hate saying these things because i dont understand what im feeling... and i dont want to make assumptions... and i dont want to offend anyone because i know it can be offensive when someone is trying to say they have something and they dont even know what it is... the symptoms or whatever... but im just trying to figure some things out... so please dont take me the wrong way... im not a hypochondriac... im just confused ya know... if i did have DID then i would like to know.. it would explain alot of things but its just really hard for me to think that i have that... because i feel conscious most of the time its just that nothing i say or do is being recorded or something i feel like i am trapped in a box inside my head... while this body tries to navigate the world... i try to contemplate things and figure out the best ways to do things but then i just dont... i dunno... im just worried... the memory problem... my behavior changing around people... i just thought it was normal but the more i think about it and look at it .. no one i know really has these types of changes, they are fairly consistent... type of change i mean is just... like the habbits i do, drinking.. smoking... my attitude... demeanor... ME doesn't want to get high or drunk, all i want to do is study and research things because im obsessed with knowledge  but then i end up just wanting the complete opposite, get drunk and forget everything kind of, like im just trying to drown myself out of my mind... i dunno what it sounds like.. to me it sounds like something everyone does.. i mean i dunno, the people i know seem to be all together though, like they have normal reactions to things, they get happy and sad, they get angry and irritated, but its clearly just them, for me it seems like pieces of me are turned off or on and i react in really radical ways outside of my character, atleast when presented with different triggers i guess... i mean.. this is just my observation, obviously it could be completely wrong and everyone around me could tell me that i seem to be normal.. next time i talk to my mom im going to subtly ask her about it, without letting her know what im talking about because she tends to exaggerate her symptoms and says things like she deals with the stuff im dealing with too, like everytime i talk about my memory with her she says she's having the same problem.. but i know she cant be experiencing the same thing... and then other people joke about it and pretend like they forget stuff.. in a way that is kind of like making fun of me you know... i guess thats part of the reason i just try to isolate, i dont wanna be around anyone because im just ... i just dont fit in and dont enjoy myself so much around others... it might be different if i knew people like me, but i dont... sometimes i just feel empty... like no one is home... alot of times i feel like im on autopilot.. and pretty much all the time now i feel like this is all just some weird dream or simulation... maybe a punishment for something i did in the real qworld, where ever that is.. im just crazy i guess... i can talk to myself just fine ya know.. i like talking to myself... i just wish i could see another person when im talking, i am still human i guess and desire some form of contact.. im getting way off topic is it normal to feel one way on the outside and a different way on the inside(multiple ways at the same time)? because if the inside came out i probably would beat everyone up if they irritated me.. or start crying about different things that no one would understand... but on the outside im just always this guy that has been hardened over the years... gentle and passive but with a "short fuse" where i can flip if something triggers me... or ill just get up and walk away in a heartbeat if confrontation initiates.. i try to stay away from everything anymore...i dunno, i just dunno... i hate talking about this because what if i do have DID and i just dunno... or what if i don't and im sitting here talking about disociation and stuff in ways that could offend real sufferers... why cant it be easy to understand oneself..? well, ive wrote a completely garbled post... gonna finish this wine and try to breathe... atleast the intoxication is changing the way i feel a little... i feel pretty pathetic... intoxication helps me justify it...
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