Treating DID

I've been in T about 18 months now. My T is a good bloke, but I really can't stand the process. The whole thing just makes my skin crawl, and I'm really disliking the sessions.

For various reasons, if I stopped seeing this T I would have to stop treatment altogether.

My T is person centred and obsessed with Rogers. This is turning in to a real issue for me, because I want to talk about memories, and I want a treatment plan, and I want practical tips on getting integrated. I am 100% focused on integration.

Decades ago I taught myself to cut off my feelings to a large extent, and even cut off my sense of smell. I'm ok with this, I don't want that to change. I have zero interest in rediscovering emotions, I have zero interest in reconnecting with people and the outside world. I just want to think like a singleton, that's all. But the work I do with my T ignores everything I want- all he's interested in is creating emotions in me I don't want, or need, and then he fails to offer any support or comfort in the process. I would much much prefer a CBT approach.

So - I was wondering, for those of you who have had successful therapy- what modality did your T's follow? Do you think it's possible to become integrated via CBT, or any other less emotionally focused, more intelligence based, more memory based therapy? If not, can you explain WHY it's important I can smell and feel when I have no interest in either. My T says feelings are vital, but never puts it in context of why it's important for me, my therapy, and my integration. (But then again, he hasn't even got the balls to openly acknowledge I'm not integrated, so setting integration as a goal hasn't happened. He refuses to acknowledge all of me, even when I switch in front of him. That's feels so disrespectful- but I guess that's a whole other rant!)

Rediscovering feelings from the past is basically the way to integration. You have to re-live things to be put back together and that includes painful memories/feelings that you don't particularly want to remember. I've pretty much re-created my childhood in therapy, with the same feelings, and that has started to put me back together. I'm not fully integrated, but I'm co-conscious. My parts never communicated with each other before therapy but now they do.
Cutting off your feelings is the same as dissociation and the goal is to stop dissociating; to feel again etc. so I can't really see a therapy that supports that, IMO.

Then again, this is your life. Your therapy goals can be whatever you want and if your therapist isn't following the plan you had in mind, find a new one!

(My therapy has been transference based with a combination of CBT/supportive talk therapy, as well as medications and supplements. My therapist is a psychiatrist who has practiced for 50 years, so I trust that he knows what he's doing. However, it has NOT been a smooth road at all. Some periods are quite hellish, to be honest.)

here in my location we have two different terms that frequently get confused for the other...

Disassociation....(letter a between 2 s's) is purposely stopping something....I disassociate from my job when I am off duty (I take the phone off the hook and do not answer any work related issues during my time off), I disassociate from a sports event (I quit going to sports events that do not fit my desires and needs), I disassociate from feeling angry if someone says something I dont like (I remind myself that what they are saying is about them not me and I do not need to feel angry, time to move on past that feeling).

Dissociation...(no a between the two s's) in my location is the unconscious\uncontrollable reaction to a negative or positive trigger. I dissociate when something makes me feel stressed out meaning I start feeling spaced out, numb and disconnected when I get stressed out.I cant control when and where I dissociate, it just happens but I can control making the dissociation stop by using all my treatment options like ground and breathing to get back to feeling not dissociated (not numb, not spaced out, not disconnected)

the brain is an amazing thing, whether we notice it or not its function is to take in information from all our senses, interpret that information and cause us to react appropriately, some people learn how to ....ignore/disassociate (with the a between the two s's) from their feelings but the brain is still doing its function.

if it wasnt well then you wouldnt be here posting. (the clinical term for when the brain does not take in information from our senses, interprets it is called being in a coma \vegetative state in a hospital or brain dead where hospitals ask closes relatives if they want to remove all life equipment keeping the body functioning and if the patient is an organ donor)

no one that I know has ever died or permanently on purpose stopped their feelings (disassociation with the a between the s's) the brain wins out restarting a persons connection to their feelings every time, in time just because its the way it normally functions.

my suggestion is maybe instead of using all your energy on purposely shutting off your feelings and unpleasant things you can work with a treatment provider to find out why you do not want to feel \experience those things and develop a treatment plan so that you will feel better when the brain does its job of taking in information from your senses and interpreting that information,

oh forgot to add my therapist doesnt follow any one theory or theorist. she follows what ever works for each individual client. for some she does CBT for others its DBT and others its any number of therapies based on what that clients problem areas are.

Sadly I don't think it is possible to achieve integration without experiencing emotions.
The very definition of integration is to have all experience (including emotion) available to one complete whole. A thinking conscious being without emotion is neither whole, nor integrated.

Emotions are kept at bay for a reason, in DID. The young child who experienced them was completely lacking in the support or the ability to deal with them. Adulthood and therapy gives us the opportunity to reconnect with that part of ourselves in a safe environment. That ain't to say it is easy, though.
Emotions are an integral part of human existence. Unless one is a sociopath, they will be felt and experienced by some part of self.

If not you,
then who?

Hey, Thanks all for your replies.

Its been a strange couple of days. Good though. I think...

I don't think I was clear enough in the OP - I am 100% on board when it comes to seeing / talking/ hearing/ tasting / smelling the horrors of my youth. It makes sense that the separations that occurred then, are the cause of the issues I have today. It makes sense to me that revisiting all of that will lead to feeling better eventually. Im actually frustrated at how little we talk about that stuff.

What I wasn't expecting, what I feel I have been manipulated in to experiencing, and what I am really pissed off that I got no heads up, and am getting no support or empathy over from T, is how this is affecting my experiences today. I just didn't expect to have to deal with the smell of pickled onion crisps, or hot sweaty evening commuter trains, or foul drains, or farmers muck spreading, or feel emotions Im not used to, do not like, and am permanently uncomfortable with, about today. That is not what I ordered. And I wish T would just explain WHY. Why this is a good thing. It sucks. Everything about this process sucks. And he acts like I should think it is positive. I just cannot see it. I can't stand all this relational stuff. I wish he was wearing a white coat and sat on the other side of a desk.

But as we was planning this reply to you guys, with your words still twirling, it hit me.

OMG. Transference. You *****.

So my mum and my sister have spent decades trying to pry reactions out of me. They get a real kick out of seeing me cry, get upset, or angry. Thats probably whats getting to me with my T - He's basically reinacting the less fun scenes from my childhood.

But I still don't want to have to deal with feelings past and present. Feelings Past is enough thank you very much!

it makes sense to me that with dealing with the past things that come up, it would end up bring things into the present that you aren't comfortable with. it's all part of healing even if it's really difficult.

i don't have a lot of trauma memories but still have reactions for them which is why the dissociation is in play and why things are so split off from my awareness. i don't know which others hold what part of what, if any do at all, though i'd guess they must given the reactions to some triggers.

for me, i am trying to focus on going through whatever at this point to try to process things so the triggers and emotional responses can lessen and hopefully bring me to a place where things will be more level again.

Right, I think I understand more what you mean, now. It sound very similar to what someone else was writing about in another thread.

It does get easier over time... once the new-ness of it all dies down a little.

Sorry - I have real problems expressing what Im thinking. It never ever comes out right. This has been a reoccurring and desperately frustrating theme throughout my life. If my T just said 'allowing more emotions in your life now, will help you express yourself more clearly' I would be a lot more amenable about doing it!

Thanks - I really do hope so! I think my biggest beef isn't that Im going through this - its that I definitely didn't want this to happen, and my T has brought it about over the months without my permission. Not being in control of my own head is bad enough, but it feels like he is in control of it. I hate that. If he'd have said 'You turned off your sense of smell? Well, lets turn it back on again. It might be a bit shocking at first, but Im here for you to talk about it, and I'll support you as you re-enter this strange and often highly disturbing new world of odour!'.

But he didn't. It was reintroduced really subtly, with little conversation, and then there it is and Im dumped in this smelly new world and it doesn't feel like theres any appreciation of the need for support whilst I go through it. And I really didn't want this to happen anyway! I've got enough on my plate without this stuff. And I know Ive concentrated on smell here, but I could give ten other examples of 'everyday' stuff he's brought about. I wish I had more control over what is, and isn't worked on.

What does 'process' involve for you? Does your therapy affect your day to day life? I'm really disliking the changes Im seeing in myself but I feel out of control to stop it. Does that reflect anything like what you have experienced?

by processing things, for me it involves realizing that things are going to come up that will not be easy for me, feeling things from the others, not having links to feelings, some new memory pieces that leave me questioning things, etc. so, i know things will come up, it will make me uncomfortable, but i know it will be helpful in the end for me.

where things do affect me (not really related to therapy) are daily triggers that are random and cause dissociation at least once a day usually for a few hours.

i can see how it would bother you going through this where it wasn't your choice. i guess i misunderstood that, sorry. it would have me very on edge and would probably cause mistrust between myself and the psychiatrist i see.

at the same time, for healing to happen, it does sometimes involve difficult times and things we don't always want to face. some things can be triggered without knowing it even if a person tries to tread lightly. so, i think trying to find ways you can cope with it as best as you are able is important until it lessens.

i have learned that not everything stays the same, so things definitely can improve for you too.

if you feel the therapist you are working with has gone too fast for you, maybe it would be best if you bring it up with him if you haven't already. it's important to be on the same page so you can be better helped and have that trust.

my psychiatrist not once pushed me to talk about any trauma or the others. she has been super patient for many years which i am thankful for in some ways. the goal with me is to stay as stable as possible while working through things. but we'll see how that goes as things haven't been so stable even in general the last while.