[elevatedsoul]

edit:
i meant to add a trigger warning but forgot, not sure how to add it to the thread topic now..

i am reluctant to write, but i could use (really need) some advice on how to approach this..

i've been going through a strenuous period due to some revelations (to myself) as well as some more .. (um.. i cant think of the word) when people dont understand you and put you down because of .. stuff..

i have pretty much been freaking out in a great deal many different ways.. mostly internally... and the resulting confusion is just leaving me pretty speechless because i am just unsure of what to do or say at this point...
(which i guess caused me to frantically actout? spewing many things from many ends trying to discover a solution because i cant leave things unresolved i guess because im a little obsessive... but i feel like anyone would be obsessive over some of these things if they were in my shoes at the same time you know...)
i have not been relying on substances (alcohol/drugs) for a long time now (since last year atleast...) i mean i still occasionally try to let off steam but i was an alcoholic and i kept a distorted mindset everyday all the time because of things i feel... i mean i was a 12 year old alcoholic for like 12 years... but whatever...
i came to many realizations around the age of 22..
that i was trying to .. whats the word... (im having a hard time focusing..)
well, i was just trying to run from my problems i guess... trying to hide things from the world and myself by creating many many excuses and reasons for things to be.. i struggled with the alcoholism for some time before being able to come to grips with the fact that how i was trying to drown out some of my self was not working for one.. and was killing me for two... so anyway, i would not consider myself an alcoholic now.. i would consider myself sober.. well sober in the sense of substances because i don't feel sober at all...
when i was doing the things i did, i had many reasons for the feelings i have... many excuses for things to be the way they are... but without the influences i feel so messed up... i have only tried to explain it maybe one time, if that, but have jokingly told others that i already feel messed up anyway so whats the point in doing anything... not in the depressed sense, but trying to just laugh off how messed up i feel inside... because i can't talk about myself, the things i have inside... the things i feel i have learned to try to normalize myself... normalize my thoughts and because of this i am really confused because i really thought that i was normal for a little while...
its amazing how much you can shape the world in your mind, how you can present your world to the outside world to fit in... when you know you are different but tell yourself you are fine and are convinced that you are not different at the same time...
these things aren't really what im writing this about, i guess i just ramble here because i dont say any of these things to anyone and have never really tried to tell anyone and really never wanted to tell anyone at all because it just makes me feel stupid... different... and i dont want to be...

the point is that i have been feeling things differently because i have not been using the finesse skill escapism... which in turn i have been forcing myself into revelations and to seeing these things that i desperately wanted to hide from...

even though i started seeking help years before, i didnt know why i needed help... i didnt understand what was wrong with me and for the most part i thought that i was just being a little ***** because it seemed i would just be exaggerating things because i could do other things but ... looking back i can see how much i changed myself to make those things possible, i mean everyone can make themselves do things they dont want to... but i think its hard for you to make yourself enjoy things you despise and really dont want to do... but maybe everyone can do that too, im not really sure what is normal... i guess there really isnt a normal.. but just a guideline we can try to look at and establish that is like a "mean" value that we can apply to use in contrast to ourselves and others...

what im getting at is i am very confused and seem to have much cognitive dissonance currently... i dunno how long such confusion is "normal" to last, but its just not seeming to improve so... im just trying to go with the flow... even though it seems to be flowing in both directions...

i really dont like to stand out, i dont like attention... i dont want others to treat me differently, i dont want any special attention... im afraid of those things because its like being called out on something you dont understand and cant defend yourself against...
its part of the reason i have difficulty even 'talking' here... because i can be extremely analytical even if im not that smart... and if i dont understand something, even if i know alot about it, i will standby with my mouth shut because i cannot prove or explain what or how...
i guess which also leads me to self sabotage because i would prefer to fail than to defend something i cant... which i probably could defend really well even, but i dont know because im too afraid to try - simply because i cant understand completely and fully... but then again there isn't one thing in the world that i completely understand... not one thing i can defend... i dont believe in anything apparently...

its just tiring to be pulled in so many ways... to feel one way and to not... to feel something and dont... to think what and not know how...
when you are convinced that the world is upside down, but you realize that it is completely upside right... when things seem so wrong, but you are convinced everything is as it should be.. i have a hard time trying to put into words the feelings of my "being"... because when i try i have so many conflicts that i have to confront... on the inside... and then to confront them on the outside when the listener becomes confused because what i have just said sounds so... far out there, i guess
i am just under the impression this is what cognitive dissonance is... and to me the utmost confusion...
because i cant solidify myself, i cant make concrete my feelings or thoughts... maybe because i dont know what those are... i dont know what i am... i dont know what i feel... but i do, i do know... i feel many things... i feel too much.... but i dont feel anything... and how do you tell someone this? you can't without them looking at you like you are high or just retarded... like you are just totally delusional or, well the list can go on..
i don't know... i hide from it... i hide from myself... i hide from everything... i have so much trouble trying to face the things that i know i am facing... to realize the truth behind what the lies hide... but im not a liar, and im not making things up... but i am.... these things i feel like are not possible for a "normal" person to do... sure anyone can fake stuff, people can fake anything... but i have nothing to prove... nothing to gain...
is it possible for a normal person to experience..?
i can be highly analytical ... and i dont use strange methods on people to get them to do what i want... but i observe a great deal... i want to understand human behavior, for many reasons... but mostly to understand myself...
i could use what i know to become a monster... a manipulator, with many things to gain... but i dont care about wealth... i dont care about the greed or the "evil" intentions some might would use such things for...
i am extremely generous... i give everything i can, often the last of what i have... to make others happy... and i would give my clothes, shoes, whatever i could to help someone... just a lame example, when i was in the hospital there was a guy that didnt have anything... i brought some extra clothes and offered him some if he could fit them and he could so i told him to chose what he like... i dont know if the nurses liked it but i didnt care or tell them...

but i digress... my point is i have nothing to gain from any of this besides people to look down on me because i am different and sick...
so why don't i just snap out of it and get my life together... i cant... they told me at the hospital that "all" i needed to do was move out from my dads and get a job, a car, a place of my own, maybe meet a girl, i would be happy and successful and everything would be fine... but they told me that while i was bawling because i couldnt contain the hurt inside... the things i said from what i remember were not even relevant to why i was there or what they wanted to hear... but they didnt care... i mean who says that they just want their family to get along and stop fighting when everything is fine... clearly i was 'time traveling' but they didnt care and i guess just said i was manic so increased all my meds and added the depakote and perphenazine and stuff...

they were kind in the hospital... but i think mainly because i became someone else that just wanted to go home and realized the easiest way to get home... how i praised them and their help, how i made them feel like they cured me... the truth is i just didnt want to be there anymore, but i believe my own illusions... when i learned their "treatment plan" and that they were not going to be assessing me or evaluating me the way i thought that would happen, because i had never been in a hospital, it clicked... i knew what i had to do... i play the role, i know how to well...
when i got in the car to go home, i knew things were off, i knew that i had changed just so they would leave me alone.. and by the time i got home i dont remember what happened... besides i know i drank some beer and stuff... freedom, atlast i thought... or felt.. whatever...

this is becoming long winded...

i am fighting the revelations that i have come to realize...
because i have told myself for so long that i am normal, that everyone feels the things i feel...
i want to just accept what i think to be true, but i feel like it would make a fool of myself to be proven wrong... and i can not allow that to happen...
i just guess i feel safer to say things here than anywhere else in my life because i have no-one i can... and talking to myself only runs me in circles...

i just want to say, maybe i have a really big problem...
maybe i have a really problem with dissociation... the depersonalization...
maybe i have normalized these feelings so much that i think its what everyone feels...
i have been like this for ever... and since i was like 4 years old i told myself that it was normal... and over the succeeding years i periodically seldom asked others about things vaguely they concluded and concurred that it is normal and everyone does feel that way and i just think about things a lot...

i am really confused about my life... because the things i feel are very different...
when i remember things changing, the way things started happening... not in the since in the begining because i cant remember the beginning... but in the sense of when i remember feeling it happen... sometimes i can remember bits and pieces of the preceding parts... other times it just goes completely blank... and the most of my life is blank... and i know how easy it is for someone to say that... they dont remember things...
but i sincerely cant remember many things... many many.... too many... everything....
it doesnt matter what i say... i have a hard time with memory... everyone knows i have some challenges with memory, even video game people because they will message me and i will talk to them like the same as everyone but then they expect me to remember who they are and i just cant remember most of the time... but i always try to pretend and play along because its easier to fake than to explain...
ill often tell people that im just brain dead because, well whatever reason suits the fit...
laugh, and then move on, and forget again... i've become accustom to people saying memory related things to me... even though it really hurts on the inside, ill just try to giggle about it... i hate this so much... but i dunno why im like this, maybe i did really mess my brain up... too much... too young... but i know others who did more than me at the same or younger age and they dont have any of the problems i have and seem perfectly fine... i say that knowing how it is putting on "masks" and hiding things underneath, i can usually tell when someone else is having those feelings... and they really doo seem fine... if that makes any sense...


i ramble alot here because i just have a lot i stuff deep inside i guess, please dont become irritated with me... i do just want a simple help answer or response / advice...

its just that since i quit going to that clinic before, last year, because they were treating me the way they were...
not listening to me or anything and then when they found out i was going to terminate services they send me a letter saying they were going to do a re-evaluation... after 4 years of begging for more attention to the problems that seem hidden... for a re-evaluation...
i never wanted to go back, i never wanted to step foot on their property again... but i am desperately in need of some form of professional help... and am left with no alternatives but to try to utilize the services they have until i can afford to get in with someone of my choosing..

so now i return to them, i have the appointment on june 2... i guess for evaluation/intake or something...
and i am full of dread, shame... confusion.... anxiety and depression... but i also go blank and dont care at all because there isnt anything they can do to help...
its so hard for me to simply leave the house, much less see a doctor, muchless do an evaluation and try to explain what im experiencing, when i dont have a bloody clue what is going on... because im so analytical and need to be a perfectionist and say things the exact way they are when i say them... but i cant... and i dunno what to do or how to handle these people.... i dunno how to handle myself...
because things happen to me that i cant control... i will end up saying alot of things, maybe very fast, maybe very slow... maybe i wont say anything at all, but they will interpret it the way they interpret it... and from my experience they can not read me very well... maybe the first therapist i talked to... but i was an idiot and was terrified of seeing her for some reason even though i really wanted to and enjoyed talking to her... missing alot of appointments and not remembering the ones i did do...

a big problem of mine is that i cant remember any of it... i dunno what i told the psychiatrist... or the therapist... or the case manager... all i remember telling them was that i dont think i am bipolar and i dont think that i have ever had any form of mania.. or hypomania.... but they just kept telling me to stop playing doctor and that i was bipolar and manic and just take the meds and it will help stabilize me... but the notes and stuff i read from back then from myself are saying different story... the meds didnt help at all, i know thats why i kept telling them i didnt want to take the meds because they didnt help...

but im afraid they will misdiagnose me again... tell me to shut up and that i dont know what im feeling or what im talking about and to just take a bunch of drugs... im afraid of being mistreated again... im afraid of them not being able to see what my real problems are... because i have so much trouble... with my problems...

i am just wondering what am i supposed to do... no professional advice... but just what you would do... what am i supposed to tell them at this intake/evaluation appointment...
that they got me all wrong before and wouldnt listen to me? so i quit?
that i think i have a bad dissociative problem...? have depersonalization...?

can i just request them administer the DES to me...? they never tested me for it before, i know they didnt... i dont remember them doing it... but i cant remember anything so i dunno if they did or not...

im just really tired of going through all of this... just really want a few answers so that i can try to accept my problems... whatever they are...
so i can try to get to know myself and what i like or need.. what i want... what to do.... because i am clueless.. and im afraid that im just stuck in a bad dream that i cant be helped out of.... and i dont want them to label me as delusional or psychotic because i really dont think i am.... even though it feels like maybe i am sometimes.... but if they think that they will push even more drugs on me... and i know the antipsychotics dont help... the mood stabilizers dont stabilize me... i just want help ... but it seems no one can help....
and i dont want people to thing im completely crazy... because im a really nice compassionate guy... i am just really hurt and broken on the inside....

im sorry about the long winded post again... i have a habit of doing this.. maybe its the adhd... hyperfocusing and zoning out or who knows...
i do have so much more i would say... but im just not.... whats the point going further... all i want to know is how can i get them to listen to me this time... im going to straight up refuse any medications that i dont think i need this time because i know much more this time around... and i know how the meds are.... they can help some people... but when you are like me and you change a lot it just doesnt ... well... whatever... why take depakote when you are not really fluctuating but you are just changing... a stabilizer doesnt change the way your minds neurons start firing so much... it can stabilize things, but i know for a fact when i change over it doesnt stop it... maybe it helps me forget and not notice so much, but it doesnt help... the antipsychotics dont stop the thoughts... dont help the anxiety very much...
flashbacks and night terrors were at the highest when i was on those meds really... i mean i always have them, but when i was drugged they were worse and i got all the side effects to go with it... restless legs syndrome for example is really hell... try laying in bed with your mind tormenting you then your body start doing that stuff... im sick of being sick

do any of you have any experience or advice for me to tell these people...
can i just tell them that i am not normal and please dont treat me like a text book...?

i also want to apologize for being so childish and being so... well... if you saw what i said then you know... im not gonna read the last posts but i know im embarrassed about it... its just that i have really been having a hard time... but im trying so hard... i hope that i didnt do anything wrong...

i hope everyone has a good week and appreciate anyone that takes the time to read my long winded posts... i have a problem saying things in a few words hehe
guess that would make it easy to write a book though... maybe one day if i get things under control i can slap a few thousand pages together hehe....

thanks ...

[elevatedsoul]

im just not sure if i can live with myself you know what i mean...?

i think asking anyone around me they would say maybe he had it tough growing up but he's a nice kid...
but you know dont know what i know... i dunno maybe they know things i dont know too...
some of the things i did i cant forgive myself for but i feel like it wasn't my life then... but i have always be nice.... besides when i wasn't... but its so messed up... the things i can remember really mess with my head... but i dunno how to tell someone that i think i have done really bad things.... but maybe they arent so bad, or maybe they aren't my fault, i dunno... maybe they didnt really happen, but i think i know i did do some things i am not happy about... i know some things happened that i didnt want to happen, to me, that i didn't do... but i also know that i did some things that i wouldnt have normally done, for some reason...
like i just have this image of a kid i was in school with, no body liked him because he was a little different, maybe not as smart, maybe looked different, but i liked him because he understood what it was like to be different and unliked... but why would i push him into the ground/toilet in the bathroom that one time? because of other guys? i dunno... maybe it was a dream... but i just remember feeling like why did i do that to him, hes a nice kid...

he probably wasn't bothered by it as much as me, if it was real.. maybe dont even remember it... but i remember these things that haunt me because they are some things that i should of never done... maybe kids would be kids... but i did things that i should never have done... i didnt even want to do, i dunno what my problem is.. i never tried to look cool for anyone, all i wanted was to just be left alone... but i was never left alone, people loved me for some reason... and i think i loved them... but i didnt want to be there, i just wanted to escape...
im having such a hard time because i remember things... things that i dunno why i did because i wouldn't do those things but i feel like i know i did and they weren't just some stupid dreams... i mean how do you remember a dream for 20 years any way?
i dunno, maybe because my brain is so messed up right now its making these images up... but it hurts anyway... i never want to hurt anyone... never wanted to hurt anyone... god i hope no one remembers....

edit:
im really a nice guy... i just started isolating a great deal to keep things from happening... because im an idiot....

[elevatedsoul]

i dont share many things about me at all, i dunno how other people would describe me really.. they probably couldnt tell you how i am but how i act or seem..
but some of the things seem so contradictory that i cant even begin to understand, my close family would probably tell you that i am quiet and reserved... i stay to myself, and avoid confrontation... i am gentle... and dont speak up much... i panic in public...

but the others less close to me would probably say i am fun... understanding... outgoing... i like to have fun and talk "too much" ... i make people happy and do anything anyone would ask of me...

the people that dont know me would probably say i look like a stoner, i dont say much but and i have trouble making eye contact... i avoid talking and seem to disappear frequently...

but then again the lawyers and doctors and judges that dont know me see mixed parts... they seem to look at me confused...
and all i want to do is run away, but at the same time scream to them HELP ME PLEASE
while thinking nothing is wrong and i shouldn't be here...
my life should be different...

what do i do?
i dont know... apparently i have personality issues...
i would say im borderline but you know, my relationships are not that chaotic... i dont even care about them.... people are better off without me anyway...
i have so many avoidant tendencies that it only makes sense to say that i am, but it doesnt explain everything else.... i am very mixed up and seem to have things from all over the place... and as an obsessive type reading too much psychology stuffs i am just really confused you know.. i have a lot of personality issues i think but i dunno how to tell people... all i usually say is "im a basket case" to the therapist or doctor... or "i am just messed up in the head" to every one else - and any other time i just say im fine or im just tired, i hate these things and if i just knew what to say i could take a handle on things and learn how to handle my life.. what to tell people... how to handle people... understand why i flip around so much and how to control it so i can use the same "good" things in the bad situations rather than just... doing what ever i do...


the reason i hate talking is because i do seem to have a lot of "perfectionistic" tendencies and i cant stand saying to someone that the cow says "Meow" when it doesnt at all... and i have to turn around and say that im not like that, i dunno why i was like that... dont know why i did or said that... this is what i really mean or am... and to keep doing it... so you learn to say nothing... do nothing... become a blank, you are a mirror and you can do what you have to to make it through what you have to... there are things inside that have the ability and know how... even if you cant explain... and it makes people confused, who cares... im more confused than them...

i just feel bad that my family probably feels bad for me... i try hard not to let them and to make them happy so that they can think that i am well and everything is fine...

i guess i am lonely, but you know how it is...
not being able to talk about things...
having people look at you, with that look... and you snapping back and trying to fix things quickly...
and they just roll their eyes and assume you just had a moment, which is probably the best thing you can hope for them to expect

are you sure i am not dreaming? i have woken up quite a few times..

well, i also keep these "creative" things i do to myself..
but here is yet another song if anyone wants...
its not that great, but neither am i at the moment...

[lucidity11]

"do any of you have any experience or advice for me to tell these people...
can i just tell them that i am not normal and please dont treat me like a text book...?"

You could let the dr's read this post but they may not get thru all of it. That might help. You would need to sent it to them before your session to enable them to read it prior to your session. I think your post is very telling. When I first read it I realized how intelligent you are but you don't embrace it. The questions you have about yourself and your treatment shows an understanding and insight into what you feel your need to stabilize yourself. I was thinking as I read your post that if you are dissociating you are not having much internal communication. Something very important to relieving some of the confusion in your mind is internal communication.
I tried for years to find a reason for my thoughts, forgetfulness, mood changes and always knowing that I had more than one me inside. When I started reading about the aspects of a diagnosis of Dissociation I could see me. It helped me feel sane. Working with my t who specializes in Dissociation I have been able to sort out my thoughts and acknowledge that this is indeed what I have developed in order to keep us safe over the years. You mentioned that you thought you might dissociate. Mention that to your therapist. Ask your therapist if they are familiar with the diagnosis. Ask the therapist if together you can look into this as a possibility for how you function in the world. If your therapist is willing, you need to keep in mind that it takes time and meds to work through the new understanding of yourself. I hope you do well this June 2. I think you are intelligent and proactive in trying to gain balance in your mind and life. You can do this with patients and communication within yourself and with your therapist. I wish you well.

[elevatedsoul]

:/ i can't believe i write so much, but i guess im just trying to collect thoughts so that i can try to understand.. try to figure things out at least enough to talk to the doc about it.. i have a really hard time talking most of the time :/
but like yesterday i rode with my dad to my uncles and ended up acting weird again, but i guess i just do it so no one knows what i feel inside - its just like dad said on the trip though that i dont seem to have too much problem talking even though i have really bad anxiety, but i do have a lot of trouble talking.. i kind of just disconnect sometimes and go on auto pilot or something.. which just makes things more confusing because im just confusing everyone around me as well as my self ?

im pretty weird :/ but im persistent so im sure ill figure things out some day..

thanks for your response, sometimes its nice just to hear someone else say anything, doesnt really prove that this is all is not just a bad dream, but it helps give a little hope that its not, dunno if that is a good thing or bad thing yet

im gonna try to just see what they say to me because they have all of the record from before and the new report from the psychologist i saw in january..
just answer questions the best i can i guess and hope that i dont get sick or pass out or anything.. im going to try really hard to remember to tell them about the memory problem and dissociation/depersonalization stuff, but my memory.. i forget alot of things especially when going in to try to talk to them
for a little while i tried to write things down so i could take it in with me but the psychiatrist / nurse or case manager didnt seem very interested in it.. the case manager would read it but wouldn't really do anything with it so i just kind of stopped.. i mean after a while of not being heard and feeling ignored and not helped you kind of lose a lot of hope and lose faith and stuff.. it was really hard for me to quit going to the clinic because i dont want to disapoint anyone, make anyone angry with me.. but i had to because there just was no way i could see that psychiatrist again... i dunno if he didnt like me or just thought i was pulling his chains or what he thought but it really messed me up because i wanted to trust him and for him to help but he didnt seem to really care... oh well, he's retired so im going to try to start over.. and im not going to rely on those people so much as to try to develop a relationship with a therapist so that T can help ... because T will listen...
i just have to figure out some kind of way to handle the fear and anxiety... and some how to keep myself grounded so that i will remember the sessions..

cant hurt to try a little bit more... im getting no where fast doing what i have been doing and the GP cant help me at all because im just "complex" so they say..
i just hope they don't hurt me again by treating me the way they did before... maybe they thought i just wasn't trying or it looked like i wasn't trying.. but i have been fighting for a long time and trying really hard for a long time.. i dunno what it looks like to other people

im gonna try to take meds if the recomend them... i just dont want anything that will make me gain weight again because i am probably back down to 150lbs or so and i dont wanna get back up to 190.. i was 130 when i started going to the clinic but they said i was borderline underweight and wouldnt hurt to gain a little weight anyway and i was just like err... ok...

but yeah, thanks again.. being stubborn i guess i will just keep trying things until something works :/ i need to get things together so i can start living a real life..

i really try not to write too much here because i dont want to cause any problems.. its really hard for me to try to open up about things...
i guess when you are really hurt you just get to where you dont want help because you just dont want to be hurt more.. but i really do want help and to get better, but its just hard... especially when your memory just doesnt work.. and you keep forgetting that its not so bad and that everything is ok.. or can be ok, or whatever

sorry about writing alot, i usually just say its the adhd stuff causes me to ramble like that, but i dunno for sure because ill disappear in my mind and do the same thing..
gotta love being weird.. hehe

[elevatedsoul]

i wanted to ask what is internal communication?
i've tried doing some searches for information but i get mixed results and it seems to be something important to D.I.D. ...
but im not sure if i can have that... although it could explain many things, i just can't say thats what im experiencing... i really dont like to be wrong about things.. i make myself feel foolish enough as it is (even though others dont see things as foolish that i do)

on my inside its really noisy, my mind is constantly running miles a second.. but at the same time its sort of quiet and empty like the noise doesn't really stick or matter or make sense most of the time and i just brush off most of the things because im "just weird" and "think too much"
i usually end up in a cursing match with myself because i wont shut up so i can focus on what im trying to do... like distracting myself by playing a video game or reading something that fascinates me.. but i just feel like everyone does it or atleast people with adhd... ?
i have a pretty bad memory though so i seem to reset alot ... like i cant tell you what was going on inside because i just forget i just know i argue with myself probably way too much - but anyone with severe depression and anxiety and self loathing and blablabla does that im sure..
i just get confused because i dont usually hear people talk about a memory issue mixed in with everything .. my aunt says i have the same problem she has and just forgetful, but she's on alot of medications and has done several ECT and stuff and is older and her memory problem doesnt seem the same as mine.. she just forgets regular stuff... my problem is constant and consistent... and really worrisome, i mean i might have a brain tumor or holes in my brain or something... and im not on any drugs besides the wellbutrin and im only 26 years and .. whatever... people tell me its because i used to drink and smoke so much but i know people that did much worse than i and they dont have these problems... and besides i believe all of this stuff was going on before i even started "self medicating" its just hard for me to remember... i do remember saying to myself "oh wow this stuff does help" when i was getting started doing it all, not to anyone else but just to myself because i never talked about anything at all back then, i was extremely reserved and quiet about myself - i would even get quite a bit frustrated when someone would try to tell me something about myself.. and got so sick of people telling me "just be yourself, dont worry about what others think" and not knowing why the hell they kept saying it to me because i was trying to be myself what a weird random thing to keep saying to someone
its like telling someone that feels perfectly normal and healthy and fine "dont worry, you're not crazy" and being like wtf? what do you mean? i didnt think i was crazy to begin with!
you know what i mean?

hmm, i put alot of this stuff off as adhd because i just have a hard time focusing.. even writing this i keep forgetting what i was trying to get at it sucks not being able to focus..

um..
i think im just having a problem being really detached.. when i do try to say things to people like you all i often end up .. i dunno what to call it.. spacing out and drifting off and staring down at the keyboard or my hands and just not able to think or really pay attention to remembering what im trying to say and i just lose my point and end up rambling about stuff or beating around the bush because i cant exactly remember what i was trying to say .. i fight this really hard all the time.. its hard to look normal when you just start looking through things or zoning out / forgetting whats going on all the time - please be patient with me.. my head is a mess

um.. anyway, i have tried to do some of those things i read about internal communication for DID just incase and i just end up getting annoyed, i really cant work with myself it seems - i just wish i could understand so that i could make things better.. wake up from this dream and fix things so i can maybe even enjoy life a little.. well, more consistently...
i dont really enjoy anything currently because i dunno what i enjoy... all i do is try to sleep enough to not be completely sleep deprived... and distract myself enough to not be completely driven mad... i really am in a sort of limbo currently...

i seem to have a lot of anger inside that never presents itself to anyone but me until i get so triggered that i black out and wake up in the middle of some wacky .. well more insane ranting, well mostly cursing .. which i never curse so it really makes me feel .. bad .. thankfully i isolate and withdraw enough to stay out of those situations most of the time because im afraid that i might accidentally hurt someone if they trigger me enough.. the last time i was horrified when i realized what was going on because i could of really hurt myself by smashing my hand through the glass table which it didnt break thankfully or could of woke up choking him out but i came to before .. i just ended up throwing my cigs across the room and then some how forced myself to run out the door and into the woods to get far away to try to collect myself :/ - mom said i just snapped or something but i dunno why.. because it was such a trivial thing i was talking to him about i dunno what caused me to get annoyed or what he said to really trigger me.. i just woke up saying "your F*ng messing with me, stop F*ng messing with me GdDmT" ect ect ..
i guess i have 'repressed' quite alot of things that i dont express at all .. i dont think this is relevant, not sure why im saying anything about it .. i just worry myself and scare myself sometimes i guess and im kind of desperate for answers/help because i wanna get things together and have a more complete and full life that i can enjoy..
without going to jail for some crazy thing because i end up being triggered by some idiot that just wants to act like a "bigshot"
its no wonder i isolate and dont want to be around anyone.. i dont really have an anger problem, i mean i remember when i was a teenager i had a period where i had a lot of rage.. but some how i turned it off one day and i just figured i learned that its good not to act that way, when i say rage.. i dont just mean attitude problem.. i was dangerous and just glad i didnt kill my brothers.. wish we didnt fight so much though..
whatever anyway, im rambling about nonsense again - can't seem to just keep it simple, derailing myself

i am so complicated its stupid.. i dont think im human most of the time, i feel like just some type of recorder or an observer that just watches whats going on with little interaction or control over things.. but thats just silly.. even though it doesnt seem like i control the body, it has to be my commands and control typing here, i just dont get to do the same thing in "real life" so i dont really get to talk about these kind of things.. in real life im too busy trying to control everything else and there is no time for any of the nonsense because everyone is full of problems and im no special... i dont like hurting people or making people sad, i like to make people happy and feel good.. its just hard to do sometimes when your mind is not working properly..
and the last thing you want is a problem on your hand so you isolate..
i just feel so ashamed and bad about not spending more time with my parents and family... making friends and creating memorable memories..
its just that i can't at the moment because of how things are inside... its hard to be myself consistently and i dont wanna give anyone any kind of reason to think that im insane... because i already feel crazy/insane enough...
everytime i try i end up being so weird that i cant stand it and i just want to stop acting like that - i mean its nothing bad but its just not how i am at all.. and it really embarrasses me when those close to me see because they really really know that something is off.. but luckily only my couple of brothers, sister, and mother know how i really am.. so when i end up acting weird to my cousins or something it just looks like im having a good time and a good conversation really annoys me.. makes me want to get drunk :/ because i can be such a dork, but everyone seems to enjoy it so i dunno why i dont

does weed re-enforce dissociative barriers?
been thinking that might be why i like to smoke so much because it helps to turn things off, or atleast make it more controllable .. i really dont like the inside so much... seem to be triggered by everything, just when im smoking i dont care so much - still get triggered but its easier to brush things off it seems.. or maybe not easier to but just seems like it doesnt hurt as much or something, i dunno i really have a difficult time trying to explain stuff because i've read too much and feel like what i say is just stuff that i've read and influenced me or convinced me thats what i feel when it just something that i can apply to something i dont understand.. so i usually dont say anything..
sorry if i sound vague alot of the times..
im really trying to be better about things...

anyway, im gonna stop writing, i've probably been writing for 40 minutes but im kind of outside of time anyway so its hard to tell..
i really am sorry about rambling, its difficult for me to condense what i want to say - maybe because i dont really want to say anything but i do so i end up having to stretch it all out..

i appreciate you all..

Hey hi, I just want to let you know that I was checking out what you are writing and that my afternoon break is over and I need to get back to work.

[elevatedsoul]

thanks..
i dunno if anything i say makes any sense because im just kind of confused about what is happening with me.. but im really trying!
im just going to try to becareful and talk with them at the clinic hopefully not acting too crazy..
i dunno what im going to do if they tell me im fine... i cant live like this anymore

it just makes me feel angry because i want to understand because i feel like really stupid and that im wasting everyones time because im just ... lazy or something...
but i really do feel so depressed i cant stand it sometimes.. and i have panic attacks sometimes... and i cant focus and have trouble with my memory... and blablabla...

but sometimes i just feel really...
well, it just doesnt make sense.. and it makes me feel like people around me may be starting to think im just making things up because sometimes its hard to see the things i struggle with because sometimes things are different - its just messin with my head pretty good, and im getting really tired
but i have scars that really do remind me that something is really wrong... i just will never show them to anyone if i can help it... i guess if they did see my body then it wouldn't look like faking... but who knows, probably just say i want attention...
i just wanna be left alone... why cant i just be left alone...

they have started telling me that i need to just act like i have those problems because it doesnt seem like i do.. sometimes, you know..
but i hide a lot, isolate and withdraw and i dont know how to show things..
i dont want people to think im just acting... i dont want people to think anything about me, i just wanna get better..
this stuff scares me, and then it feels like whatever, it doesnt matter anyway.. im in a dream, what difference does it make?
but i think im really unhappy... lol... i dont know what i feel anymore, besides just lost and confused about everything


but everything will be fine.. i dunno why i would be faking major depression and severe anxiety.. agoraphobia and social phobia and stuff.. its just frustrating.. and it makes it difficult for me to talk about because i just cant handle the negative judgements..
what if i really am just lazy or something and just dont want to do anything so i act like this? i just want a normal life...

i just dont really know what to do with myself anymore...
i think really that this is my prison... my hell... the torment that i deserve... i just dunno why i deserve... i just want out, i dont think i ever did anything so bad to be locked up in such a torturous prison..
what a nice way to let someone live in hell, surrounded by others that cant see your excruciating torment... trapped on the inside your death awaits because the outside is just a dream... but to die is just to wake up tomorow and realize that its not over, that things wont get better and cant just die that easily...
sorry.. i try not to say things like this... im so alone... i cant handle this...

Usually when I'm like totally this messed up (in my younger days), I'd go smoke a joint in the woods and instant relief from self. I don't do it anymore but I sure can use a dose...but my job won't let me.

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Usually when I'm like totally this messed up (in my younger days), I'd go smoke a joint in the woods and instant relief from self. I don't do it anymore but I sure can use a dose...but my job won't let me.

I did that for ages. Weed was like having a tap to turn off feelings.

[elevatedsoul]

it is definitely the love of my life, dunno where i would be without it .. as i started using it around 12/13 years old ..

just sucks running out and not having it to calm things down

Good luck sweet hunny..I wish you the best

[Lost_in_the_woods]

(((HUGS))) ES.

[elevatedsoul]

well, i met with the therapist.. i guess it was ok, she engaged with me inquiring more than what im used to.. i mean i think the first therapist was like that too but its hard to really remember..
since my mom was there for a few minutes in the beginning and talked about a couple things and started crying herself and i was just feeling ... "normal" disconnected as usual.. started to think maybe its easier to notice something is going on with me than i thought, to talk about some things and maybe present my self the way i do..
but i guess some people would have a difficult time believing my past, it's not something anyone would want to hear or know about so even if they thought it could be true dont want to believe it.. i think it must be much worse than what i allow myself to feel... even though i feel many things...
but dont really feel anything or really remember anything too... i dunno, im fairly confused..

i don't remember exactly what she talked to me about and what she asked, just a few things that made me grit my teeth because i have frequent flashbacks but never acknowledge or talk/discuss or share or anything with anyone and i really don't know how to talk to someone about my inside..
i tried to talk to her the best i could, without saying too much.. without putting thoughts into her head... without trying to cause anything to happen, because i seem to dissociate a lot more than i thought was possible..
its just bad for me to say too much...

i know she asked about suicide attempts and abuse questions, then sexual abuse in which i know i said i cant talk about it, but i think i went on to tell her something... i dont think i really ever tried suicide though, but maybe i did... i mean if you take a bunch of pills after drinking a bunch of alcohol im not sure what your intentions were?
but im an idiot sometimes.. maybe ill learn more about myself than i really want to doing this

im not sure how long we talked but it probably was an hour or so.. and i guess being an evaluation and not really a 'session' she was trying to get the gist of me rather than anything else...
but she did tell me a few things, that there is hope... and that i can recover, and get better and feel better, that i can eventually remember... that my reactions are quite common in traumatic lifes... cumulative traumas... compartmentalization...
its miracle that i remember those few things she said to me, but i think it was because at that time i was staring into her eyes :/

i sometimes accidentally say things that i dont mean to say though, and i dont know if she noticed because i try so hard to fix everything that i mess up because when i do start talking and let "guards" down things get wacky...
sometimes i say things that are irrelevant, sometimes it seems like im just saying something completely untrue... like im just making something up out of the middle of no where for no reason at all, but its something so bizarre that its like what are you doing?? you cant just say shocking things that probably dont even exist, i dont think my dad ever said he was going to kill me so i dunno... but maybe just having that thought is enough to form a belief as a child... or maybe im just mixing different memories... but they're not really memories, i hope she knows that im not trying to play games.. its really confusing inside of my head thats why i dont say many things pertaining to those things...
also i let some other things slip out about psychology which probably hinted that i know too much about stuff which i was trying to keep secret because i dont want her to join the others that would just keep telling me to stop playing doctor...

not my fault that i've been desperate for so long that i grew to allow myself to become obsessive over something as complex as the human mind... but the more you know, the more confused you can get... especially when your mind is so... shattered... and i just dont want her to think that im playing games like all the others...
but she was more interested in the traumatic experiences than anyone else has ever been it seem so maybe she doesnt care if i am exaggerating but cares how she can help me more...

its so hard trying to keep yourself from falling into a million pieces on a therapist floor because you're not able to hold it together any more... because you get "too far"away from whats happening in the room...

i just hope that i didnt scare her... i know im different..
she was a nice girl and i hate contaminating others minds with such horrid experiences... i think that i behaved though and didnt say very much or go into details really.. im not hostile and dont use dirty words and am really easy for anyone to talk to for some reason...
i tend to generalize as much as i can and avoid details as much as possible because i dont even want to talk about things, whichi i think i told her.. but told her that i have no choice, i have to do something .. though i dont want to at all and i want to hide, there always is a choice... but i have no other option because the alternative would cause pain and more prolonged difficulties for the ones around me ... while i hide from myself and issues instead of trying to resolve things, letting them deal with the effects of someone being like me...

im just so afraid of opening pandoras box...
i am so afraid of her not being able to handle me, of getting worse and then her not being able to help or leaving or whatever...

it is terrifying for me to leave here and go to the clinic, much less know why im going there, that i have to think about some things, and even talk about some things, see someone that i know nothing about... that is going to look at me in ways that no one has ever looked at me before in my life...
that i usually get extremely defensive about because i have to protect my secrets..

it is no wonder that i become so cold...

is there a way that i can try to make her feel better..? because it seem that she went through a few stages with me from seeing me and making the first impression, to noticing something is amiss, to hearing my mom make some rather disturbing proclamations, and then to have me say maybe some things that really complicated things in a presentation that made me seem really detached, compartmentalized, whatever you want to call it...
i felt bad because at one point she had to stop and turned around i thought she was going to cry..
i hate hurting people

i have problem with eye contact normally, but when im talking to them i often find myself staring through their eyes.. and i would realize that im listening maybe too deeply and it was making her feel uncomfortable.. or looking around the room at everything but her...
i am hypervigilant anyway... so i just feel bad about it and dont want her to think i am a bad person...

im a nice guy... i just feel really dark and evil and contaminated... everything is internalized, it is very seldom that i allow a trigger to hit me deep enough to let an extreme reaction take over... and i just dont want her to be afraid of that if she is to talk with me, i like being direct.. as long as its not too confrontational, and i know what her intentions are.. its something i prefer, rather than beating around the bush alllll the time like they usually try to do... because when i finally figure out what they are getting at i get frustrated thinking i've wasted a bunch of time trying to say something because i didnt know what you wanted to know.. and end up having to fight myself because i end up saying just anything because i have to say something for some reason even if i seem to just blurt out some random thing that may not even be relative to me... because if i say i dont know, or im not sure.. you want to explore more, why dont you know..
i guess sometimes i disconnect a little much and end up making 'false connections' thinking that what im doing is right but its actually just weird... atleast i didnt just zone out and stare at the wall without saying anything, i dont think

just not comfortable saying what i've been through to anyone because i dont want them making assumptions... things were bad... but things are ok now, they should be ok now... i dont blame anyone and dont want anyone else to think that the others are bad people... everyone makes mistakes...
think i made a lot of mistakes allowing things to happen...

sucky thing is that there is no psychiatrist active on the board now and so i will not have any medication type... um... whats the word... just no medication, plus she said that medicine probably wont really help... but i really really want klonopin or valium to help me deal with this therapy stuff because if i dont have something im probably going to relapse and start relying on... other substances....

its really hard...
oh the joy when you have no choice...

i cant seem to get myself to come back...
and im supposed to go see her again on the 14th to do a treatment plan thing..
i hate being sober, and people wanting you to be sober because its "bad for you"
i think if those ones could feel the way i do then sometimes maybe they would understand...
whether sober or not, it's miserable, but seems one way your threshold is raised...

well, i guess thats it...
dont know what else to say...

hope every one is surviving..