[TrailRunner14]

Thinking back on my counseling session last night. Some connections were realized and a part of me was taken out of a place of fear and danger. The scary one has been placed in a secure time out.

So many questions spinning in my head.

Is this real? -------

How could it not be? -------

Do I believe me? --------

Why wouldn't I? -------

There's that tight feeling in my "core"

Fearful curiosity. --------

There's that sick feeling in my stomach.

What do I do with this? -------

I don't like this cycle I seem to be replaying.

I want out of here!!

Does this make sense to anybody else??

[Luce]

I am not sure if I understand or not... you said 'some connections were realized'. So is it like you have new information and you are trying to fit it into your schema of things? Like information or connections that were previously dissociated, and you are trying to assimilate that information into what you already know?
If I have understood that correctly I can relate to that discombobulated feeling... that sense of having to adjust to a slightly different version of reality (and the questioning of it that goes along with that).

[TrailRunner14]

YES!! That sounds a lot like what I'm feeling. It's all mixed up right now with everything else going on tonight.

If it's ok, may I reply again tomorrow and talk with you more? My phone is about to go dead. What you said is real for me!!

Thank you for your reply!



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Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Thinking back on my counseling session last night. Some connections were realized and a part of me was taken out of a place of fear and danger. The scary one has been placed in a secure time out.

So many questions spinning in my head.

Is this real? -------

How could it not be? -------

Do I believe me? --------

Why wouldn't I? -------

There's that tight feeling in my "core"

Fearful curiosity. --------

There's that sick feeling in my stomach.

What do I do with this? -------

I don't like this cycle I seem to be replaying.

I want out of here!!

Does this make sense to anybody else??

i sort of understand about the time out thing.

we trialled having a dungeon in our system- just for time out reasons, but some of the more involved insiders took it too far and it caused more drama than it was worth

[Lotus57]

I understand that cycle completely

[elevatedsoul]

[kecanoe]

I sometimes have trouble believing that I am telling the truth about my system. At times it makes so much sense and at others I think"really?" So yes, I do get that.
And it does feel like two steps forward, one step back.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you all!! I've been sorting this out today and trying to journal about it. It's a really "real" frozen kind of feeling, if that makes sense.

It is so very hard to make peace with the bad things, when the tv shuts off and I'm left sitting in the silent dark. Sorry for the dramA, but that is what it feels like.

I kept seeing a visual image of a Rubic's cube today and hearing that irritating clicking that it makes when you shift it around. It's like I have images, fragments of things and reactions to them. That's where I believe I'm stuck right now.

It seems to me that the events that piece themselves together in these fragments are like those colored squares and I'm trying to calculate how to get the color together. I get half of it and then the tv shuts off. If that makes sense. It's solid color, recall, in the top and then black in the bottom.

That sounds so way out there, but it is truly how I feel.

I feel more but don't know how to put it into words.

Thank you for hearing me!!

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[elevatedsoul]

edit:
lol this is how i feel, totally

[TrailRunner14]

?

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[elevatedsoul]

sory, the link died

fixed it

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you! That makes sense.

Ya know the ones who fragmented from me should be and are thanked from what they protected me from.



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[TrailRunner14]

Sorry. My son walked in with something to say to me.....

To finish my thought -

I've had the automatic response to do just that. Get rid of it, instead of leaning into it and trying to understand and listen to it.

Don't mean to sound so psych but it is making sense to me now.

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[elevatedsoul]

i just dont know whats goin on in there because everytime i try to ask for help i screw up or something
dunno why i thought it was funny, i guess because i've done it so many times
but that shouldn't make it funny! man im so twisted

gotta put the flame thrower down, maybe i dont need something like that anymore!

im sorry about how things are goin, i guess these type of things are never easy

if humor didnt live on some where inside of me then i dunno where i would be, gotta keep from goin totally insane i guess

i gotta becareful what i post though because got scared that i said something wrong for a second, im pretty detached

I sure do say the word I alot

[TrailRunner14]

Yo said nothing wrong at all!!

You reminded me to be thankful to the parts I'm finding and bringing to a safe place. When I started this, that was my first reaction too!! Get them out of here!! Lol!! Right??

I'm learning to understand that those parts of me were created for a reason.

They loved me then to protect me and I want to love them now and thank them.

Thank you for posting that picture!! It made this real. ❤️

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[elevatedsoul]

comics are fun











hehe

[TrailRunner14]

They are funny!

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[Luce]

Your Rubik's cube analogy resonated with me. I was reading some research articles about traumatic memory recall last night and they pretty much said that is how it happens... when dissociated memories resurface they usually first come back as flashes of sensory impressions... a flash of sound, a smell, an emotion, a visual impression etc. Over time these flashes coalesce to become a fuller memory (click into place like a Rubik's cube?) and eventually a narrative ('sense') can be made out of it.
Our brains are remarkable things. They feed us traumatic memory in bite sized chunks, then wait for us to absorb and adapt to it before giving us more.

[TrailRunner14]

Yes. I agree. Bits and pieces. It's heart wrenching to want to know the truth but it's also very scary to really know it. It could shatter who I think I am or who I have been.

That makes no sense. In some way it does.

Ignorance is bliss?

That's no way to live. Right?

It's had an effect on every decision I've made in my life. That. Is. Why. I'm. At. The. Place. I. Am. Now.

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[Luce]

Yeah, ignorance is not bliss.
Ignorance is nothing good to live by.
That's why I'm at the place I am now at, too.

[TrailRunner14]

Pondering on a question today.

If in a traumatic situation, someone dissociates/splits and the "tv is clicked off" the memory (video and audio) stops abruptly right there. Does the emotion and body memory continue in that blank place?

Does that make sense?

[TrailRunner14]

Ok - I think I've pondered the answer to my earlier question.

Maybe I'm experiencing the feeling of being in 2 "places" at one time.

There is a feeling that this isn't "real" - right now there is a very detached feeling. Maybe I'm experiencing the memory of the moment "cutting off" - going away.

Then -

There is an undercurrent of anxiousness and something else there that I can't put a word to. Could that be the rest of the memory that I can't see, but my body/emotions remember?

They don't feel like they are "together" but separate. It's like they are independent of each other.

Does that make any sense? I know it sounds "out there" but in my mind right now, it seems quite logical.

Thoughts?

[elevatedsoul]

it hurts my head to try to think about that... its too confusing

i dunno i dont think i really know ..

my impression has been that everything is there... just in different places..

have you read about body memories?

i try not to think about those things too much...

:
maybe if i wasnt so confuddled and could think in a coherent manner i could think deeper about it

::
maybe if i wasnt so disconnected i would understand lol, this really sucks, memory and i don't get along.. but i know there is somatization..

[TrailRunner14]

I'm sorry it is so "out there" it is so hard to try and explain what I'm trying to describe.

My counselor and I have talked at some point about different "parts" overlaying each other.

Maybe that's what's going on here. Really trying to sort it out.

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[1976kitchenfloor]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Thank you all!! I've been sorting this out today and trying to journal about it. It's a really "real" frozen kind of feeling, if that makes sense.

It is so very hard to make peace with the bad things, when the tv shuts off and I'm left sitting in the silent dark. Sorry for the dramA, but that is what it feels like.

I kept seeing a visual image of a Rubic's cube today and hearing that irritating clicking that it makes when you shift it around. It's like I have images, fragments of things and reactions to them. That's where I believe I'm stuck right now.

It seems to me that the events that piece themselves together in these fragments are like those colored squares and I'm trying to calculate how to get the color together. I get half of it and then the tv shuts off. If that makes sense. It's solid color, recall, in the top and then black in the bottom.

That sounds so way out there, but it is truly how I feel.

I feel more but don't know how to put it into words.

Thank you for hearing me!!

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hello. The really real frozen feeling reminds me of shock. After I got back my connection to a truly bad expereince with my mom from when I was little and it was all coming out in pieces and flashes but with terrible terrible feelings in my dreams-- afterwards during my waking hours That how I felt: 'frozen'. I think it was the shock of realizing just how evil things had been and that this was my own mother being so evil. that I just froze with such a all consuming undeniable sensation. IT was so much to take in and process. I was like that walking around for almost two weeks. I was wiped out and only with the passing of time did my feelings settle down. It was just that awful.

Then after that I was stronger. This was my life and my expereinces and my feelings and having them as my own actually made me stronger and clearer in who I was and what I had come from. This was during the last years of my therapy and this process would replay tiself each time I had what I referred to as a 'memory dump' which usually connected in my dreams.

What it is you are expereincing-people are different so I cant say that what I expereinced is exactly like what you are experiencing but I can tell you that I truly do beleive that we get things back - we touch our msot basic connections to where we come from and what we ahve come through only when we are ready and strong enough to work through and process/accept these feelings and experiences.

Take care, and dont be afraid. The brain is incredible and you are stronger than you likely know. Add your faith and big heart to this mix and I beleive you are going to come through this with flying colors. Even when the bumps and hurts hit you it will still be good for you to reconnect and process your original feelings and expereinces. I know this is scary, but it is all part of you becoming and embracing you as you.