i feel like...

i've been thinking about giving my journal to my therapist and asking her to read it after i leave... would she read the whole 70 pages?

would it scare her?
i dont want her to be afraid of me... im a good person... i just have internal demons as they say... i dont know what all i've wrote in it and scared to read it again myself...
but i was thinking maybe it would give her insight into me... and my questions, what perplexes me, struggles...

i need her to know me... and i feel like im ready...

Well it sounds like you know what you want to do... it sounds like you know about the traumas and want to go in and begin to deal with them.
Are you able to go and do that with your T?

im going to try, its scary though
it feels like im going to have to re-live the traumas and i dont wanna do that

It might be better not to. In this round of therapy I am working on developing grounding skills before going in to any trauma stuff, and it is sooooooo much better than diving in without the ability to calm yourself!

my therapist is trying to get me to work on grounding stuff but im impatient i guess...

im just going to talk to her about this stuff and hopefully she can understand more about me by reading that crazy journal i wrote last year... its full of crazeeness... so hopefully she will read it all and explain things to me a little more or beable to understand how to help me more...

i hate this stuff, it sucks, no fun, and progress seems to be super slow (if any at all)
and on top of it i have the social security people telling me that i can work, ignoring my PTSD diagnosis and dissociative symptoms...
when im pleading and begging for understanding that i can't work due to these stupid symptoms... they are causing things to be more difficult and complicating my symptoms even more by not believing me.... like everyone else in the world... no one believes that things can be so bad for me... why? because i can wear a mask and everything seems fine to the people outside? thats not fair... sometimes i wish i could take the masks off the wall and smash them to pieces! they do nothing but get me in trouble...

Who doesn't believe you,friends?Family?Disability?Professionals?'cause you said "like everyone else in the world"...who's 'everyone'?That has to be frustrating and hurtful to not be believed.

I am sorry Social Security says you can work when you feel you can't.

What types of jobs have you tried working?What symptoms were the worst when you tried?Were they full time or part time jobs?

Maybe you just haven't found one that suits you yet.I bet I tried at least 30 different jobs before I found one that suited me,that wasn't very stressful,where I wasn't being triggered,where I actually enjoyed the work I was doing.

What types of things are you interested in?Maybe try to find something you like,something you might enjoy?

What type of working environment would suit you best?Most likely not one working with the public,right?Would you need something quiet?(maybe a library) Something without many other people?(maybe an animal shelter),maybe even something where you would be doing repetitive work that wouldn't require much focus after you learned the job?(like a factory).There's lots of options.

Do you have an insider that would be able to work?Since you don't feel you are able to,maybe someone inside would do that for you?

elevated soul... you said

im going to try, its scary though
it feels like im going to have to re-live the traumas and i dont wanna do that

....................

this is one of those times I could write two different things because of possible definition conflicting with your location...

by reliving do you mean having flashbacks (thats what my location calls reliving trauma, if so I'm confused because people cant plan on having this happen, its just something that does happen to some people. even those prone to having flashbacks do not always have them every time they talk with their treatment provider about their trauma. in my location for those that do have occasional flashbacks or flashbacks during therapy my location treats this just like having hallucinations, there are medications that can help a person not be so triggered and prone to having them, they are called anti psychotics, anti depressants, anti anxiety medications. the rest of the treatment to prevent flashbacks here where I am is having a code word, this is a word the therapist and client agrees on for when the client needs to stop or that their problems are getting worse as in being triggered or their symptoms are getting worse. maybe you and your treatment provider can have a code word that will tell them when you are having your mental disorder problems or having a flashback.

if you dont mean feeling like you have to plan on having a flashback then the other thing your post makes me think of is the question ... are you afraid of .....retelling.....(which is different than reliving the trauma in my location)

a person DID or not doesnt have to retell their trauma's though it is very helpful if they do. for one thing the retelling actually helps the brain process and heal, and the other with the retelling the treatment provider can understand better what is going on in a person....

let me show you something with out a triggering situation...

I ate an apple this morning.
I ate an apple this morning, it was nice and red , juicy, and tasted sweet and tart at the same time, it made me feel less hungry physically and it made me feel so happy mentally.

on with those two sentences which one gives you a better idea of what is going on in my body and mind.... the one with more about the situation right...

well working with mental health treatment providers is like that,. the more you hide the less they know what you are going through, the more you explain to them the more they understand. doesnt mean you have to tell everything all at once, start with something easy or easier then slowly at your own pace move into the harder stuff. that way you will be able to do it and your treatment provider will be on the same page as where ever you are mentally and physically.

my mom believes things i say...
but the rest of everyone that i encounter says there is nothing wrong with me, i seem fine, normal,(better than normal) and that i just need to apply myself (they use different words like i need to get a life and blabla)

im not allowed to have outbursts, or tell people off... so when it happens i black out and an angry one steps up and scares the **** out of who ever is around me... last time it happened i came back to and was in the middle of cursing someone out and i couldnt stop it, or control myself, and finally was able to pull myself in enough to run out the door and into the woods so i could try to figure out what was going on and what happened... i dunno how long i was blacked out for but i know i made my friend cry and he's not someone to cry easy...

imagine me being out alone in the world and that happens... its so scary...
i would end up in jail... its no wonder i have agoraphobia... you know..?

my therapist believes me i think... and my case manager probably would believe me if i felt comfortable enough to talk to her about things... but i told my therapist to explain things to her for me so that i wouldnt have to...

my pdoc is ok, i just dont know what she thinks... dont know what any of them think really, i dont even know what my recent dx is... im going to ask next time i get the chance and find out though...

social security has been so hard on me, i've been trying to get disability since 2011...

i have agoraphobia and have a lot of difficulty with leaving the house, riding in cars (i have flashbacks and panic when riding in cars so i cant drive at all)

i have never had a job due to these issues... they have been life long and are tormenting me more and more each day.... especially since im 27 years old now and im supposed to be an adult... but i feel like a little lazy brat because of the way people look at me... which im not lazy at all im just terrified... terrified of the world and blahblahblah....
yet im able to hold some sort of composure when i do go out, i call it wearing masks... but im not the masks and they are not me... i guess its just a skill i had to adopt in order to survive...

so i dont have any work experience... but i do want to work, im just not capable of it at this point in my recovery... it hurts my pride so much to not feel like a man... on top of the SA that i experienced which makes me feel less like a man, and gay... which im not gay!

my therapist says that i dissociate ALOT... or live in a dissociative state... which i dont understand dissociation so well apparently because it just confuses me...

so i dont know if i have D.I.D. or what i have...
i talked to my therapist about it once briefly and she said something like "it may or may not be, but one thing is certain, you have developmental trauma disorder"
or something like that... she's never really told me a dx but im gonna ask her too next time i see her... i would think she's seen me enough times to have an idea of whats going on...

i just have really difficult time staying here, present, focused... blahblah...
i panic easy, which causes flashbacks, which cause me to feel weird and stuff...

i hate this stuff so much... i just wanna be normal but i've never been normal... and i've known that i wasnt "normal" for ever... i just didnt realize how different i was i guess...

i really like music... and psychology... if i could work doing something like that it would be fun... but i cant even get my G.E.D. because of my focus problems... i know everyone around me says i just need to try, or try harder, so i dont expect it to make sense here either... but i try hard, very hard, as hard as i can... im not lazy... im not a fraud... im just hurting... and scared....

hell, i dont even believe myself sometimes :x

well, by reliving i mean a mix of both what you say... because my flashbacks are triggered easily...
the few things i remember, come back very vividly when i start to recall... (when im able to remember because i cant always remember them..)

so im afraid of retelling as well... growing up i was told not to tell people things... so its really difficult to talk about things... i get flustered, confused... my sentences start to not make sense and im not able to get words out... i shut down...
you know..?

im just afraid of feeling those feelings again... seeing those images, being there again having it happen again...
i dont want to remember it, i want to forget it and have a better life... i just want a good life and be happy... i dont want to be disgusting and nasty... but i am... all the things that happened to me were just disgusting... appalling...

i just want to forget... maybe thats why my memory is so messed up... i used to have phrases repeat in my head, things like "just dont think about it" and "forget it" over and over and over... i guess my mind took the command and now im programmed to not remember...

i also dont want the mental health people to think im disgusting... or to think less of me....
i also dont want to get anyone in trouble... the perpetrators... i dunno why...

edit:
i also forgot to add that the last time i tried to mention briefly a trauma i started to feel really ... dissociated... i guess...
my therapist became concerned im sure, as her reaction was that of some what like not knowing what to do... she told me after wards that i became blank, and asked how i feel... i told her something like "i dont know... very far away... its quiet..."

maybe this will help when a treatment provider says that here in my location it means a person has told them things like they feel numb all the time, or they cant think because their head is numb and quiet, or that they see their hand and kn ow its their hand but cant feel it...

in other words lots of people even normal people have times when they live their life not feeling mentally, just going about their day emotionless, and not ......feeling... but it also happens with people with PTSD (or in your treatment providers words using the ICD rather than the DSM 5 developmental trauma disorder)

a quick run through of dissociation...

its a normal response (feeling numb, spaced out and disconnected from your body type ......feelings....) to triggers (anything good or bad that makes a person feel anything) at the same time knowing the difference between what is real and what isnt and there is no alcohol involved in any way

example

a trigger (seeing something that made me feel very scared) caused me to dissociate (feel numb, emotionless and like I could not feel my hand) at the same time I knew that it was my hand and and that thing I was seeing my my hand was real, it wasnt a hallucination or delusion. it wasnt caused caused or fixed because of drinking alcohol I havent had a drink of alcohol for many many months or years.

heres another example breaking down what dissociation is.....

this winter we took our children to the North Pole NY events. I was so exited that I felt numb and foggy minded, kind of spaced out and could not always feel my fingers in my gloves. Being at the North Pole events was real, my wife and I planned well in advance all the parts of the trip in detail and The snow was real the people were real, my children sitting on santa's lap was real.... and I was not drinking any alcohol at any point for any reason.

thats what dissociation is all about. from there its just a matter of how severe. some people go through normal amounts of dissociation and others go through more. whether its normal or not its still called living in a dissociative state of mind any time it happens.

my suggestion is talk more with your treatment provider, they can show you on all your tests you took last year and what your scores were on them. and if you dont agree with what those tests last january diagnosed you with you can ask for new testing. its been a year now so its probably time for new testing anyway.

Maybe a job working in a music store or something would be a good place for you?

Is there was a way you could finish school online?

Just so you know,everything you have said makes sense to me.I am sorry you struggle so much.I believe what you say and I believe you try your best.

I understand how hard it can be,just keep pushing on.

i have plans to finish school, and to go to college asap...
i just have a lot of issues i need to work out first i guess and find the right medication...

next appointmet we talk about my adhd diagnosis and treatment for that so hopefully i will be able to focus more if they give me something for it...
its really difficult to do anything due to focus and attention issues and its really frustrating...

i enjoy working on computers too so thats something i would be looking into for school... and maybe just keep the music as a hobby...

i just really need to get the disability so that i can have good insurance to cover my treatments...


i think i need to quit drinking again... but its going to be so difficult at this point...